It's Not Fark It's News: I'm happy to say that, for two weeks in a row now, pretty much nothing is going on. You can expect all of MSM's available bandwidth to get eaten up by "9/11 but with Shoes" through at least Wednesday, maybe til the end of the week. Everyone's just biding time until xmas break starts and we can go straight to nonstop canned articles.

Speaking of which, today's seasonal canned article would like to remind us that it is the USPS Busiest Day of the Year. I can't imagine many people even read it, pretty much all the content exists in the tagline. It's the Post Office, it's busy. The rest of the article has to just be on-the-spot interviews and a quick look at the article confirms this.

Last week, you may have noticed a huge uptick in two types of articles: articles about sex, and unnecessary slide shows without thumbnails. Most media outlets have end of year traffic quotas on their sites. Normally the quotas are used to determine end of year bonuses. However in a layoff-happy business climate (coupled with an endless downturn in media income), end of year traffic quotas quickly become an excuse to eliminate positions if the quota isn't hit.

The solution: run articles that people click the hell out of -- and nothing drives the clicks quite like sex and slideshows. If you can combine the two, even better. I started compiling a list of sex articles Friday afternoon and within an hour found the following examples:

New Scientist: Fertile women easier to hit on AND are daughters in law to blame for menopause

Fox News: Firstborns more likely to be virgins longer AND 4 common drugs that sabotage your sex life

IndyStar: Meet the woman who works at the Indy Sex Institute

Everyone: teens share cellphone sex photos AND Jennifer Aniston poses in nothing but a tie (slideshow) (Google for your own links)

There are a ton more today, including such gems as Former pornstar quits job as lunch lady AND Teenager sends 20 nude photos to friends

One final note: were also starting to see the first "TOP [ARBITRARILY CHOSEN X] OF 2008" articles rolling in. Expect a ton of those mixed in with articles about sex, slideshows, and canned seasonal pieces.


Headlines of the Week, December 8 - December 14, 2008

New study finds magnet-swallowing is linked to autism. Was previously considered a bipolar disorder

Baker trapped in lift for 13 hours -- for anyone else it would've only been 12

Cardboard warehouse on fire. Perhaps not the best choice in building materials

Truman man wanted for soliciting boy for sex. The only question is when we find him, Dewey beat him?

Giant garlic cloud engulfs the south of England: Things haven't been this bad since the French invaded in 1066

Boston parking offenders can now pay their tickets with toys... NO LITE-BRITES

Teacher tells children the truth about Santa Claus. (Warning: spoiler in article)

China introduces "pyjama police" to crack down on people wearing nightgowns on the street. That's laceist

Riots, arson continues in Athens. Doesn't anybody know how to put out a Greece fire?

One-fifth of the world's coral is already dead. That's quite atoll

Report: Cancer to be world's top killer by 2010. Subby happy he's a Leo

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
C.C. Sabathia agrees to deal with Yankees as there is no way he could turn down a team with over 140 million years of tradition

Titans DT Albert Haynesworth received 30 days of probation and paid a $1,000 fine for a speeding ticket he received in March for going 103 mph. In other news, there is a car that has enough power to go 103 mph with Albert Haynesworth in it

Playing tailback for the Denver Broncos is a lot like playing drums for Spinal tap

Geek:
Dimmest twin stars ever discovered. Surprisingly, not an article about Mary-Kate and Ashley

Much like a middle-aged businessman on a Tokyo train, happiness rubs off on others

The first cow says, "Artificial insemination? I don't believe it." The second cow says, "It's true. Straight up. No bull."

Showbiz:
Company to auction off the boat that inspired "Jaws." You're gonna need a bigger bid

Festivus pole to be displayed at Washington capitol. Let the airing of the grievances begin

Michael Jackson dissappointed to learn baby shower doesn't mean what he thinks it means

Politics:
Israel wants to snip the tip off of the West Bank in peace deal

Kucinich: It's "unfair and insane" that Obama hasn't put him in the cabinet. Fark: It's "unfair and insane" that Kucinich ended up with Mrs. Kucinich

Illinoje Gojevernor Rod Blagojevich arrestjevid jon federlag corruptigojn chlargesich

Business:
3M sends 1800 employees pink post-it notes

Krispy Kreme loss widens in 3rd quarter, hindquarter

Sony makes 8000 walk, man
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