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(Daily Star)   The best Christmas jokes of all time. And some of them are actually funny. Such as Ozzy Osbourne's "Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f***ed"   (dailystar.co.uk) divider line 72
    More: Amusing  
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25150 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Dec 2008 at 8:15 AM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-12-09 07:48:57 AM  
Cute. My favorite:

"I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included."

Bernard Manning


/// This has to have been done for real at least one time. Ho, ho, ho.
 
2008-12-09 08:11:29 AM  
How many elves does it take to give Santa a blowjob?

... it's not a joke, I'm just curious.

/... 3 maybe?
 
2008-12-09 08:26:11 AM  
We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.
 
2008-12-09 08:26:41 AM  
Funny, this line FTFA applies to most male Farkers to this day:

"I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day."
Rodney Dangerfield
 
2008-12-09 08:32:06 AM  
LordJiro: One.

And I fail. I forgot to quote OlafTheBent.

And yes, Fark, that WAS a stupid post.
 
2008-12-09 08:33:34 AM  
Quite often I get a thinking
How as kids we got by
Like at Christmas time in our house
We couldn't even afford a fire

But we made do in our house
Back then when I was young
Dad used to suck a peppermint
And we'd all sit round his tongue

We couldn't afford no tinsel
On our christmas tree
So we'd just wheel old grandad in
And make the old coont sneeze

/The song is here: NSFW language (new window)
 
2008-12-09 08:35:35 AM  
Best ever?
Nope.
 
2008-12-09 08:39:40 AM  
My company blocks the Star so I hope some jokes get posted here


or do we have some originals
 
2008-12-09 08:43:00 AM  
Wow, those were terrifically unfunny.
 
2008-12-09 08:43:40 AM  
"The Night Santa Went Crazy"

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain
 
2008-12-09 08:45:18 AM  
This one made me chuckle:

"My sister got a set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny. Even I could see where dad scraped off the S..."
Stephen K Amos
 
2008-12-09 08:45:20 AM  
HappyFarker: My company blocks the Star so I hope some jokes get posted here


or do we have some originals


"A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the office Christmas party."
Jimmy Carr

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers

"If your pudding is loaded with coins and thimbles then be sure to tell your guests. One year I forgot to mention it and our Vera ended up in casualty. They found a watch, two holy medals and £2.10s.6d in used change in her stomach."
Lily Savage

"I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning

"I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day."
Rodney Dangerfield

"If God had meant Christmas to be a family occasion He wouldn't have invented TV, would He?"
Rory McGrath

"Do you do this with Christmas tree lights? You have a string of them and one bulb is dead and you flick the bulb with your finger to get it to light up? They do the same thing with George Bush before a debate."
Jay Leno

"I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: 'Getting ready for Christmas?' He said: 'No, teaching the wife how to drive.'"
Bob Hope

"The Three Wise Men sound very generous, but you've got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents."
Jimmy Carr

"The wife of a man who never learned the difference between a brassiere and a brazier was granted a divorce today on two counts. First because when she wanted underwear for Christmas he gave her two big rusty tins with holes in and second because of the way he kept trying to roast his chestnuts."
Ronnie Barker

"We couldn't afford a turkey for Christmas. We gave the budgie chest expanders."
Les Dawson

"My sister got a set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny. Even I could see where dad scraped off the S..."
Stephen K Amos

"At the office party you're supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder."
David Letterman

"We're approaching the moment when Grandad's had too much to drink. We don't call him Grandad, we call him Alcopops."
Jimmy Carr

"Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."
Benny Hill

"Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f***ed."
Ozzy Osbourne

... so not worth it, but there you go.
 
2008-12-09 08:51:21 AM  
tothekor: "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

The gorier version is better. (Yes little Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead. Some guy from the SWAT team put a hole through his head...)
 
2008-12-09 08:52:26 AM  
Why doesn't Santa have any kids of his own?

He only comes once a year and thats down a chimney
 
2008-12-09 08:59:38 AM  
LordJiro: tothekor: "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

The gorier version is better. (Yes little Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead. Some guy from the SWAT team put a hole through his head...)


Yes little friend now, that's his brains on the floor. Guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around any more!
 
2008-12-09 09:00:14 AM  
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?

Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
 
2008-12-09 09:04:08 AM  
The dangerfield joke was funny, that's about it. Since when do we post articles with any connection to Jay Leno? That man should be dragged out into the street and shot.
 
2008-12-09 09:05:44 AM  
"I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day."
Rodney Dangerfield

The Master. I do so miss him.
 
2008-12-09 09:11:32 AM  
Most of those jokes sucked. I think subby diserves a fail tag for this one. Amusing this was not.

Did anyone else notice the missed part of Leno's joke?

"Do you do this with Christmas tree lights? You have a string of them and one bulb is dead and you flick the bulb with your finger to get it to light up? They do the same thing with George Bush before a debate."
Jay Leno
[...heh heh heh heh. Because Dubya ain't too bright!]
 
2008-12-09 09:13:43 AM  
Has anybody posted the Dangerfield joke yet? You know, the one about how he got his own dick for Christmas and he gets no respect?

Why does Santa wear a red suit?

To remind the elves.
 
2008-12-09 09:17:00 AM  
Well, if we're posting bad Christmas jokes...

Why is Mrs. Claus filing for a divorce?

Because Santa only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.
 
2008-12-09 09:24:39 AM  
HappyFarker: My company blocks the Star

You lucky, lucky people.
 
2008-12-09 09:25:37 AM  
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?

Their balls are only for decoration.
 
2008-12-09 09:26:33 AM  
"Christmas is not a time for heavy drinking, over eating, and casual sex with farm animals...so be warned David Pegg"

-Ian Anderson at a Jethro Tull concert, looking at one of the other band members
 
2008-12-09 09:28:22 AM  
Podge and Rodge do it best

Dead man up the chimney
 
2008-12-09 09:28:49 AM  
I liked the Bob Hope one and the Dangerfield one, all the rest were just awful.
 
2008-12-09 09:31:09 AM  
Isn't it funny how people in Britain use most of the same words we do, but it's still a totally different language. Even to the point where sometimes the same words have completely opposite meanings.

Like, apparently, "best".
 
2008-12-09 09:41:05 AM  
This is why I'm learning to hate Christmas. Every year, we're subjected to the same shiatty music, movies and jokes - all because they make mention of Christmas.

Honestly, if it weren't for Christmas, I wouldn't listen to Bing Crosby. As is, I've had to hear his syrup over and over and over again.

Jay Leno? Jay God Damned Leno?

It's enough.
 
2008-12-09 09:41:30 AM  
HappyFarker: My company blocks the Star so I hope some jokes get posted here

That makes you the lucky one.
 
2008-12-09 09:45:44 AM  
rodeofrog: This is why I'm learning to hate Christmas. Every year, we're subjected to the same shiatty music, movies and jokes - all because they make mention of Christmas.



I play reggae and Hawaiian music at Christmas. To me it's more festive than the same old Christmas songs they're playing down at the mall over and over and over that make all the store employees want to gouge their brain out with a spoon.
 
2008-12-09 09:49:43 AM  
My favorite: anytime somebody uses the phrase "spirit of Christmas"
 
2008-12-09 09:57:34 AM  
Skleenar: Isn't it funny how people in Britain use most of the same words we do, but it's still a totally different language. Even to the point where sometimes the same words have completely opposite meanings.

Like, apparently, "best".


No trust me on this one...they were unbelievably shiat...every single one of them. I've had funnier jokes come out of a cracker.
 
2008-12-09 09:57:36 AM  
Most of these are pretty lame, but the Ozzy one has me totally confused. I just don't get it.
 
2008-12-09 10:03:30 AM  
FunkOut: I play reggae and Hawaiian music at Christmas. To me it's more festive than the same old Christmas songs they're playing down at the mall over and over and over that make all the store employees want to gouge their brain out with a spoon.

Then you have never heard "A Reggae Christmas" by Hawaii's own Willie K.

Ear-gouging.
 
2008-12-09 10:05:38 AM  
My Third Testicle: Most of these are pretty lame, but the Ozzy one has me totally confused. I just don't get it.

See...he's done so many drugs that he won't be able to share the memories with his family. It's funny, in a sad, sad, sad way.
 
2008-12-09 10:08:16 AM  
Does anyone remember when that Osbornes show started to be cool enough to merit Fark references? Did it come out on DVD recently or something?
 
2008-12-09 10:09:59 AM  
PizzaJedi81: My Third Testicle: Most of these are pretty lame, but the Ozzy one has me totally confused. I just don't get it.

See...he's done so many drugs that he won't be able to share the memories with his family. It's funny, in a sad, sad, sad way.


Ok, so presumably he's looking at old holiday photos and says (paraphrased) "look, there I am again, all farked up." Jokes kinda lose something when they have to be explained.
 
2008-12-09 10:13:35 AM  
To all of you complaining about the "painfully unfunny" jokes ... post something funnier or STFU.

Also, if your wife/girlfriend/university girl you are currently stalking is way hotter than (insert actress name here), post a pic or STFU.

Ho, ho, ho.
 
2008-12-09 10:16:21 AM  
My Third Testicle: Most of these are pretty lame, but the Ozzy one has me totally confused. I just don't get it.

it's funny because he can't remember things...

and that's probably the best one on the list!
 
2008-12-09 10:17:18 AM  
img1.fark.net? I think submitter doesn't understand the meaning of the word.
 
2008-12-09 10:18:47 AM  
Jimmy Carr is one of the funniest comedians alive.

Unfortunately, all his standup DVDs are Region 2, so, check out the torrents of his stuff.
 
2008-12-09 10:26:58 AM  
My favorite from my dad: "All I got for Christmas was a shirt and a piece of P*ssy, and they were both too big."
 
GCD
2008-12-09 10:29:38 AM  
Osbourne experienced tremors for some years and linked them to his continuous drug abuse. In May 2005 he found out it was actually Parkin Syndrome (new window), a genetic condition, the symptoms of which are very similar to Parkinson's disease. Osbourne will have to take daily medication for the rest of his life to combat the involuntary shudders associated with the condition
 
2008-12-09 10:32:01 AM  
OlafTheBent: How many elves does it take to give Santa a blowjob?

... it's not a joke, I'm just curious.

/... 3 maybe?


This is in such poor taste, I'm sincerely offended. Santa is a wonderful and warm icon of this time of year, the embodiment the feeling of joy and giving we get during this festive season. How dare you mock that!

And yes, it's 3.

/2 to ring his sleigh bells
//1 to polish his north pole
 
2008-12-09 10:32:54 AM  
My all-time favourite is still

www.t-shirthumor.com

Link hotter than an open fire with chestnuts 'n' all...
 
2008-12-09 10:33:21 AM  
RagingLeonard: Wow, those were terrifically unfunny.

Well, since you know funny, make us laugh comedy-boy. We'll wait.
 
2008-12-09 10:35:05 AM  
eraser8: ? I think submitter doesn't understand the meaning of the word.


agileproductdesign.com

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
 
2008-12-09 10:36:26 AM  
Rodney's joke the way I've always heard it:
"I was so poor when I was a boy, if I didn't wake up in the morning with an erection, I didn't have anything to play with all day."
 
2008-12-09 10:36:32 AM  
HappyFarker: My company blocks the Star so I hope some jokes get posted here


or do we have some originals


Q. Why does Santa have the worst job of all time?

A. He only gets to come once a year, and then it's down a fuggin' chimney.
 
2008-12-09 10:53:26 AM  
My favorite Christmas joke growing up (because it was a little dirty and my dad taught it to me):

Why is there an angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Well, one Christmas Santa was having a terrible terrible year. Mrs. Claus was divorcing him, the reindeer got eaten by polar bears, the elves were on strike, and everything else was going wrong.

Then this cheerful angel comes in with a tree and says "Merry Christmas, Santa! Where should I put this glorious Christmas tree?"

"Where?!?" growled Santa, "I'll show you where...."
 
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