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Headlines of the Week, 12/1 - 12/7, with a weather report thrown in by Drew for good measure 
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-08 3:00:18 PM, edited 2009-01-19 3:55:22 AM (34 comments) | Permalink
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6822 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Dec 2008 at 3:00 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



It's Not Fark It's News: geopolitically, we're in a holding pattern as India continues to build its case for invading Pakistan by making demands that the Pakistanis can't possibly make good on. Of course this gives India the excuse it's looking for to invade. Case in point: Stratfor reports that all major Indian military officials have canceled all activities in January. Perhaps they have something else to do that month?

So while we wait for that subcontinent to go to hell, I'd like to take a moment to talk about the weather. First off, I highly recommend everyone watch the video submitted by farker El Dangeroso (who is Ben Bowman himself) today. His commentary on local news weather coverage is hilariously dead on. Saturday morning, central Kentucky was hit by nearly a quarter inch of snow. Over 100 accidents were reported in the next couple hours. Canadians no doubt find that hilarious. It did remind me though to make a quick point about how Fark does weather coverage, in particular our gags regarding Global Warming. I've always found it amusing that people will use recent weather occurrences to either prove or disprove global warming. "See it was cold last week, global warming is a myth!" "See it was hot last week, global warming will kill us all!" I'm no climatologist so I don't know one way or the other if global warming is happening or not. I am however a fan of Pascal's Wager, and I've made my decision based on that. At any rate, I'm a huge fan of the snap-judgment global warming call, so expect to see that one recur pretty much from now til forever.

Also, Duke sucks.

Headlines of the Week, December 1 - December 7, 2008

Pollution causes smaller penises. Vicious cycle for Hummer drivers img.fark.net

Man shot dead in Grapevine, at least that's what I heard img.fark.net

Conservative members of Episcopal Church try to beat off pro-gay faction, end up with schism on their hands img.fark.net

Man arranges to meet 15-year-old girl for sex :-( But the "girl" was a police officer. :-O Man claims he was entrapped by officer's use of emoticons in email. :- | Man now has to guard his (_|_) img.fark.net

Fire damages famous Hollywood strip club. Engines still responding from as far away as Maine img.fark.net

Six people arrested for smuggling ivory, now facing up to 99.44 years in prison img.fark.net

You are what your mother eats. So, if you turn out to be a bit of a dick, you know why img.fark.net

Indian authorities had warnings of Mumbai terrorist operations nine days prior to attacks but "it got lost in the computer system". If only there was a country that offered tech support img.fark.net

White teacher binds two black students to teach the class about slavery. Jewish students seen changing classes before the Holocaust chapter img.fark.net

Man accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger. I hope he fries img.fark.net

Titusville man gets four years for sexually assaulting dog. He thanks the judge, but says he really only needs 20 minutes, tops img.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Barber a game-time decision for Dallas Cowboys. Manicurist doubtful, gynecologist probable img.fark.net

The "new" formation that's all the rage in the NFL was actually invented 102 years ago by Pop Warner, that's right, Kurt Warner's dad img.fark.net

Jets DE Shaun Ellis says he's ready to "face the music" after his pot arrest, as long as it's something mellow, like maybe some Marley or Mingus img.fark.net

Geek:
Car maker unveils a vehicle powered by household garbage. However, it can only reach 88 mph img.fark.net

US military's megawatt-class airborne laser passes another test, will soon demonstrate its destructive powers against Alderaan img.fark.net

Robotic device could help stroke patients. Giggity img.fark.net

Showbiz:
Guitarist suing Coldplay for plagiarism. Authorities baffled as to why he'd want credit img.fark.net

Jessica Simpson watches a Discovery Channel special on the Da Vinci Code and is now interested in Theology. Which is like watching Schoolhouse Rock and wanting to become a Senator img.fark.net

Bond's underwater Lotus sold at auction. New owner struggling to get the smell of fish from back seat img.fark.net

Politics:
Minnesota recount still in progress, officially surpassing Stuart Saves His Family as the longest, most tedious thing Al Franken is responsible for img.fark.net

Iraqi officials have finished debating what to do with Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali", and the solution is they're going to barium img.fark.net

"India demands action from Pakistan." Pakistan hints that maybe India should try to be a bit more romantic from time to time. A shower couldn't hurt either img.fark.net

Business:
Ryanair boss circles and swirls, pokes and probes, contemplates taking another lick at Aer Lingus img.fark.net

Danish CEO wanted for fraud turns self in to Los Angeles police, escapes death when officers figure out he doesn't have a cream cheese center img.fark.net

While North America is shedding jobs, more people than ever required in the Yukon. Canadian government recommends you bring your driver's license so you can remember what sex you are when stuff freezes off img.fark.net
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34 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2008-12-08 03:02:22 PM  
can you un-italicize that for better readability? my eyes almost melted
 
2008-12-08 03:03:12 PM  
Drew overuses italics.
 
2008-12-08 03:04:24 PM  
Some of the headlines don't lead to their respective threads...
 
2008-12-08 03:07:10 PM  
also, Drew, I must have missed something in the past week. Where did the t-shirt icons go? Are they only available now for HOTW?
 
2008-12-08 03:08:53 PM  
Drew commented on my status on Facebook over the weekend, so I'm getting a kick...

/wtf do I care? I'm showing off!!!
 
2008-12-08 03:09:41 PM  
Woohoo, I made a top headline!

*gloats*

Robotic device could help stroke patients. Giggity
 
2008-12-08 03:12:16 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Woohoo, I made a top headline!

*gloats*


ganz toll!
 
2008-12-08 03:16:08 PM  
albo: ganz toll!

Vielen Dank!

I'm hoping one of my good ones from November make it into the headline of the year semi-finals or something. I think one definitely has a shot, but I don't know how offensive they can be and still make it into the running.
 
2008-12-08 03:16:57 PM  
Damn, I really thought i'd have one of these this week.


Ah well, congrats all :D
 
2008-12-08 03:17:02 PM  
YOU DONT SPEAK FOR ME, DREW; please don't speak for all farkers. Local media's decisions to embellish dumb-ass weather to get views is no different than your site's decision to embellish dumb-ass weather reports; both are markets, and both make scrilla from ass-hattery.

To the original queen producer who posted that video: Ploy for ratings.

Thread over.

/ PS: Drew when we gonna go on a date?
 
2008-12-08 03:19:27 PM  
It did remind me though to make a quick point about how Fark does weather coverage, in particular our gags regarding Global Warming. I've always found it amusing that people will use recent weather occurrences to either prove or disprove global warming.

Ummmm I thought that was a fark cliche like "still no cure", "dog wants", etc...?

Or are you talking about the media?
 
2008-12-08 03:20:15 PM  
O fiery orb in the sky
That mysteriously rises in the East and sets in the West...

Ben rocks.
 
2008-12-08 03:22:20 PM  
cyclebiff: / PS: Drew when we gonna go on a date?

Do it Drew. From the looks of that rambling post she's probably crazy, and as we all know crazy = good in bed.
 
2008-12-08 03:23:14 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: she's probably crazy a dood
 
2008-12-08 03:23:15 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: I don't know how offensive they can be and still make it into the running

I assume there's a word in German for "extremely."

/ congrats on breaking your HOTW cherry
 
2008-12-08 03:23:21 PM  
"I'm no climatologist so I don't know one way or the other if global warming is happening or not."

These people do.

farm3.static.flickr.com
 
2008-12-08 03:23:39 PM  
canaDn: O fiery orb in the sky
That mysteriously rises in the East and sets in the West...

Ben rocks.


Yea that had me lol'ing pretty hard. Then the moron anchors ruin the funny by bringing up ratings. What clowns
 
2008-12-08 03:24:08 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: cyclebiff: / PS: Drew when we gonna go on a date?

Do it Drew. From the looks of that rambling post she's probably crazy, and as we all know crazy = good in bed.
 
2008-12-08 03:24:56 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: good in bed.

I'm a man, baby.
 
2008-12-08 03:26:09 PM  
40below: Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: I don't know how offensive they can be and still make it into the running

I assume there's a word in German for "extremely."

/ congrats on breaking your HOTW cherry


Coming from someone who has been labeled "self-aware" due to your ridiculous greenlight count, I am humbled by your congratulations.

And the headline I'm referring to is this one (new window)

Not sure if that offended too many to make it into the running.
 
2008-12-08 03:35:10 PM  
There is nothing worse than living in the rustbelt, except to listen to other people biatching about the people that live in the rustbelt biatch about living in the rustbelt.

/brb, gotta go shovel out front
 
2008-12-08 03:42:55 PM  
Oh wait, I guess I had a HOTW before, but never paid attention to that thread. Heh. Nevermind then 40Below.
 
2008-12-08 03:47:15 PM  
EKU Colonel: Some of the headlines don't lead to their respective threads...

Which ones? We do this manually, so it's easy to make a mistake a couple of places.
 
2008-12-08 03:48:18 PM  
ultraholland: also, Drew, I must have missed something in the past week. Where did the t-shirt icons go? Are they only available now for HOTW?

They're just not on the main page anymore. They're still available if you look next to the headline at the top of the thread. People were annoyed by them, so now they're not on main anymore.
 
2008-12-08 03:48:24 PM  
Drew, Applying Pascal's Wager to climate change is ingenious. Can I give you credit for that idea or did you borrow it?
 
2008-12-08 03:53:24 PM  
Unfreakable

Well then, it appears you have won pistols at dawn. Kudos, sir.
 
2008-12-08 03:57:52 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude: Unfreakable

Well then, it appears you have won pistols at dawn. Kudos, sir.


Not at all, merely directed him to the correct field of battle without prejudice.
 
2008-12-08 04:13:44 PM  
Unfreakable: They're just not on the main page anymore.

Thanks, but I wanted to hear from Drew!

*holds breath, stamps feet*
 
2008-12-08 04:17:39 PM  
making demands that the Pakistanis can't possibly make good on

They can't? You were saying?


Otter Stupidity: Drew commented on my status on Facebook over the weekend, so I'm getting a kick...
/wtf do I care? I'm showing off!!!


Wow, getting a comment or reply from Drew or Wil is almost like having a beer with God. *rolls eyes*
 
2008-12-08 04:18:22 PM  
albo: can you un-italicize that for better readability? my eyes almost melted

www.billymeade.com

Italicise your head in the opposite direction. It works.
 
2008-12-08 04:22:20 PM  
ultraholland: Thanks, but I wanted to hear from Drew!

Use the special batphone. It's the red one next to the bust of Henry Earl.
 
2008-12-08 04:52:31 PM  
Drew never comments on my facebook :(
 
2008-12-08 05:14:03 PM  
DammitIForgotMyLogin: Damn, I really thought i'd have one of these this week.


Ah well, congrats all :D


I know... my Bill-o and Falafel headline didn't make it either...

Congrats all
 
2008-12-09 12:11:09 PM  
robbiex0r (deleted: Referenced deleted comment) Quote 2008-12-08 03:20:00 PM


well of course, wasn't that the point?
 
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