As we mentioned last week, the lame ass "How Much Do The 12 Days of Christmas Cost This Year" advertisement/article ran today. "How fast Santa needs to move to hit all the houses in the world" hasn't appeared yet, though... So look out for that one. Interestingly the "European Condom Sizes" article showed up again out of the blue. That particular article has been popping up every so often for years now, I haven't figured out what schedule it's on. Easy media fodder because it talks about penises (peni?).

It's not Fark it's News: last week the Mumbai terrorist attacks were obviously the biggest thing going on. Two things of interest there so far:

1) no one knows yet what the motives were in the attacks.

2) Pakistan says it may move troops to the Indian border in response to any (likely forthcoming) moves by India to do the same.

The only troops available are busy not looking for bin Laden on the western border with Afghanistan. Theoretically this means a tougher time for US operations over there, personally I think it'd help to move Pakistan's troops out of the way so they don't get hit by unilateral strikes into Pakistani territory. Anyhow it's a giant clusterf*ck, especially when both India and Pakistan have nukes.

Ok, enough of that, on to our headlines:

Headlines of the Week, November 24 - November 30, 2008

One armed girl swims circles around competition

2 charged in stabbing of 3. In related news, 6 in hiding over fears that 7 8 9

Autopsy reveals that Chicago-area college student died from nitrous oxide; police warn students that when a problem comes along, you must not whippet

First known set of conjoined American Indian twins to be separated, and how

Riot at Nerf factory: Thank God no one was hurt

Two 'Я' Dead

World's second oldest person gets bumped to the head of the line

First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, now Rachel Ray is having vocal chord surgery. Sorry atheists, the argument's over and you lose

British Santa fired for violating elf and safety rules

More Britons believe in aliens than in God. Considering they also believe they'll win another World Cup, this is not all that surprising

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Olympic officials reduce modern pentathlon to four events by combining running and shooting portions. Geez, my mom won't even let me run with scissors

Browns running back says he's confused with the team's playcalling. Specifically the part where the team is calling plays to throw to a guy with hands harder than Chinese algebra

Patriots Special Teams Ace, Je'rod Cherry, is auctioning off his first super bowl ring in order to raise money for charity. Part of the proceeds will go toward teaching New England sports fans the meaning of the word "humble"

Geek:
Blueberries shown to help reduce memory loss; as opposed to blackberries, which are a leading cause of mental retardation

The Japanese say that they have the first robot that can act on stage. America disagrees, unveils Keanu Reeves

Astronomers discover adolescent galaxies, characterized by a high number of moons

Showbiz:
Man at Coldplay concert dies of something besides embarrassment

Horatio, Sans 100 Lbs

In most stunning comics twist since Lucy pulled that football away from Charlie Brown, DC Comics editor announces Bruce Wayne is not dead

Politics:
Iran claims it has successfully Photoshopped another rocket into space

Obama introduces new seating chart for reporters at press conference. One section is "Cubs", the other is "White Sox". Reporters in Cubs section have to wait 100 years to ask a question

Barack HUSSEIN Obama announces creation of Economic Recovery Advisory Board, or as he likes to call it, "E-RAB"


Business:
As Woolworths closes its doors for the last time, a nation reminisces. Mainly about Saturday Girls in tight uniforms

♫ There was a peaceful town called Rockridge, where people shopped in harmony. They never had no kind of Wal-Mart, there was no hint of misery ♪

Panasonic cuts annual profit forecast by 39% on news that 98% of consumers thought they went out of business in the late '80s


(Music and Video headlines are not included)
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