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(Cracked)   Lobsters are people, too: The five most retarded causes people are actually fighting for   (cracked.com) divider line 206
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36998 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Nov 2008 at 3:11 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-11-16 01:03:39 PM
a lobster is a big bug too dumb to know it's dead, you section it in 4 pieces and it still moves.

I wonder if you cut Paris Hilton in sections, would the parts move independently?
 
2008-11-16 01:16:11 PM
HappyHarryHardOn

I wonder if you cut Paris Hilton in sections, would the parts move independently?

If so, I know which section I want.
 
2008-11-16 01:17:47 PM
I knew that somewhere they would take a pop at mental illness,
 
Bek
2008-11-16 01:35:02 PM
canijah.files.wordpress.com
 
2008-11-16 02:04:55 PM
Plants? People actually think that plants have any sort of rights? I want to find the people who support this and beat them with a switch and tell them "It's OK. I asked the tree if I could take this and beat you with it, and the tree consented"
 
2008-11-16 03:18:14 PM
Just FIVE?!?

// Hell, I could write probably 3 books on all the time-wasting retarded social-causes that are currently in play.
 
2008-11-16 03:18:35 PM
Pinchy no!!!!! (Sobs)
 
2008-11-16 03:20:04 PM
Whatever the Phelps family is supposed to be fighting for should be on the list. Does anybody know? Anyone?
 
2008-11-16 03:20:10 PM
About the only animal humans regularly eat that's smart enough we shouldn't and they should have rights is pigs. Pigs are smarter than dogs and up in the Chimpanzee/dolphin territory.

But since they are FUGLY that isn't gonna happen. Also bacon is too delicious.
 
2008-11-16 03:20:11 PM
To you, tomorrow is harvest day, but to the vegetables, it is... THE HOLOCAUST!

Damn you all, let the rabbits wear glasses.
 
2008-11-16 03:20:25 PM
This has inspired me to start an air protection movement.

Stop breathing...stop the slaughter!!

/a message from P.E.T.A.I.R.
 
2008-11-16 03:20:44 PM
Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.

Wow, I actually laughed at a cracked.com article.
 
2008-11-16 03:20:49 PM
img147.imageshack.us
Vegetable rights and peace!

By the way, is it just me or does the Asperger's picture on the list look like a pair of Y-fronts?

img147.imageshack.us
 
2008-11-16 03:20:54 PM
I had roasted human last night. Thanks PETA.

Does PETA know that humans are animals too?
 
2008-11-16 03:21:55 PM
Fano: Pinchy no!!!!! (Sobs)

More butter.
 
2008-11-16 03:22:13 PM
I can't believe I'm the first:

#3: you'll get over it.
 
2008-11-16 03:22:18 PM
Balls.

CRACKED lists suck them.
 
2008-11-16 03:22:33 PM
Most of the people who claim to have aspergers are just too lazy for social interaction.

I'm not saying it's not a real condition. I'm just saying that internet basement dwellers use it as an excuse to continue surfing 4chan and playing World of Warcraft and getting a government check for it.
 
2008-11-16 03:22:48 PM
Lobsters aren't people, but I still think it's really horrible and sick to boil any living creature alive. I know there's still research being done on whether they can be said to feel pain the way we do, but they sure as hell don't like it, and if there's any chance they feel pain or something similar, we have no right to boil them alive.

/PETA member
//yeah, I think some of their campaigns are kind of silly
///but overall they've got the right idea

(Flame away, I won't be here, I'm off to eat some delicious vegan lentil soup. :-)
 
2008-11-16 03:23:25 PM
Has anyone mentioned PETA's "Sea Kittens" campaign yet?
 
2008-11-16 03:24:20 PM
If you think that veggies have rights, just go ahead and stick a loaded gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.
 
2008-11-16 03:25:46 PM
i398.photobucket.com
 
2008-11-16 03:27:05 PM
meekychuppet: I knew that somewhere they would take a pop at mental illness,

The problem with Aspergers is that 99% of the people who claim to have it are self-diagnosed. Which reminds me about the SA article about it

Zeph Mercurial and the Tragic Epidemic of Asperger's Syndrome (new window)
 
2008-11-16 03:27:05 PM
PunkRockLawyer: Lobsters aren't people, but I still think it's really horrible and sick to boil any living creature alive. I know there's still research being done on whether they can be said to feel pain the way we do, but they sure as hell don't like it, and if there's any chance they feel pain or something similar, we have no right to boil them alive.

/PETA member
//yeah, I think some of their campaigns are kind of silly
///but overall they've got the right idea

(Flame away, I won't be here, I'm off to eat some delicious vegan lentil soup. :-)


You know who was a vegetarian and liked to boil PEOPLE alive?

Godwined...
 
2008-11-16 03:27:11 PM
Fano: To you, tomorrow is harvest day, but to the vegetables, it is... THE HOLOCAUST!

Damn you all, let the rabbits wear glasses.


/Reverend Maynard
 
2008-11-16 03:28:45 PM
Isn't there, maybe, kind of a gap between "no one should eat animals" and "let's take the time to kill our food humanely before eating it"

I don't buy lobster because there apparently isn't an easy way to kill it before boiling. And crabs are worse. Usually the place will clean them first, which means just pulling off the top shell and scooping out the gills, where they twitch all the way home.

As far as I know, cows get a bold through the head and then it's over.
 
2008-11-16 03:29:16 PM
www.motherjones.com

Snake Doctor
 
2008-11-16 03:32:04 PM
We have had a couple of pet lobsters in our saltwater aquarium. They are very social and nice, although so vulnerable to fish (who are mostly mean and cruel, in my view).

I can't/don't eat lobster, because they are so cute and nice.
 
2008-11-16 03:34:04 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8OYvHPpGDY

on this WWII anti war cartoon(that was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize)the war between the Vegetarians and the Meat Eaters (with a suckling pig on their flag) was a reference to Hitler being a vegetarian and basically calling Winston Churchill a war pig(and making fun of him being fat)
 
2008-11-16 03:34:29 PM
Fano: To you, tomorrow is harvest day, but to the vegetables, it is... THE HOLOCAUST!

Damn you all, let the rabbits wear glasses.


Nice.

HappyHarryHardOn: a lobster is a big bug too dumb to know it's dead, you section it in 4 pieces and it still moves.

What do post-mortem muscle twitches have to do with an animal's intelligence?

/ cooks lobster alive
 
2008-11-16 03:36:19 PM
JesterGirl: Snake Doctor

You are officially cool. It's such an incredibly well-done show, but I don't know anyone who watches it.
 
2008-11-16 03:36:50 PM
Atypical Person Reading Fark: We have had a couple of pet lobsters in our saltwater aquarium. They are very social and nice, although so vulnerable to fish (who are mostly mean and cruel, in my view).

I can't/don't eat lobster, because they are so cute and nice.


Baby calves are cute and nice and yet...


yum.
 
2008-11-16 03:36:52 PM
img511.imageshack.us

?


img123.imageshack.us

1 down, 4 to go.
 
2008-11-16 03:37:34 PM
i75.photobucket.comfoodgoat.blogspot.com

Lobster rights activist
 
2008-11-16 03:38:52 PM
Remember a few years back, when ol' Ronny Reagan bit the big one? Remember the group that wanted to put him on the penny? That was a good one...

/or was it the dime
//the Big Bedtime
 
2008-11-16 03:40:00 PM
oldebayer: I wonder if you cut Paris Hilton in sections, would the parts move independently?

If so, I know which section I want.


Boil it! Boil it in WATER!!!


Sorry, couldn't resist
 
2008-11-16 03:42:19 PM
mantidor: meekychuppet: I knew that somewhere they would take a pop at mental illness,

The problem with Aspergers is that 99% of the people who claim to have it are self-diagnosed. Which reminds me about the SA article about it

Zeph Mercurial and the Tragic Epidemic of Asperger's Syndrome (new window)


Good lord. That was the saddest shait I've ever seen. Possibly because I recognize some of that self-indulgent insanity in my teenage self. I get the douche-chills just thinking about it.
 
2008-11-16 03:43:44 PM
Loverboy586: Most of the people who claim to have aspergers are just too lazy for social interaction.

I'm not saying it's not a real condition. I'm just saying that internet basement dwellers use it as an excuse to continue surfing 4chan and playing World of Warcraft and getting a government check for it.


I had a roommate who had it in college. He didn't mention it at first, but you could tell there was something off right away. His social skills were worse than anyone I've ever known. And he always had this awkwardness to him.

One of the weirdest was when I would joke around with my suitemates in the typical guy fashion ( i.e "you're gay", "fark you", "you're a flaming pile of runny cow shiat", etc.). He would always get uncomfortable and never laugh or get involved. Other times he would laugh or make jokes at very inappropriate times or when people were obviously upset. Later, he mentioned the reason he never got involved was because he was unable to tell if we were joking. He lacked the ability to read or interpret people's emotions. It was very, very strange.

He ended up moving out after one semester. There were many other odd quirks, but there's just too many to mention.

Anyone who has actually known someone with Aspergers would never want to be labeled as one.
 
2008-11-16 03:44:02 PM
PunkRockLawyer:
/PETA member
//yeah, I think some of their campaigns are kind of silly
///but overall they've got the right idea



"Kind of silly" is all you've got to cover this? (new window)


For the lazy: PETA workers went to a no-kill shelter and got a bunch of dogs under pretense of finding them homes. Later that same day, they were caught tossing the bodies of those dogs in a dumpster. Not the first time, either. Worthless human slime, those people, and that's what all of you "they do SOME stuff right" people are supporting.

 
2008-11-16 03:44:53 PM
Lobsters are people too.

Yes they are. Tender and delicious people.

/humans is omnivores.
 
2008-11-16 03:46:21 PM
Atypical Person Reading Fark: I can't/don't eat lobster, because they are so cute and nice.

I don't eat lobster because I don't like the way they taste. Alaskan King crab? Pile them legs on my plate!
 
2008-11-16 03:49:57 PM
You know the "Lobsters should get driver's licenses" and "why can't an asparagus be an opthamologist?" crowds are irritating, but the asspipes who think being lazy and shoving Cheetos into their maws while watching "Match Game" reruns is a DISABILITY are the ones who really suck a bucket of rotten homeless taints.

Any of these self-couch-imprisoned "victims" scamming the system and stealing dollars intended for the truly disabled are the deserve to be boiled alive and served with drawn butter -- even though they'd be very high in bad cholesterol.
 
2008-11-16 03:50:48 PM
hmmm assburgers, no dealing with people or work and a free check. I will keep that in min oh a shiney!
 
2008-11-16 03:51:30 PM
PunkRockLawyer: I still think it's really horrible and sick to boil any living creature alive.

I'm sure it's much more pleasant to have an octopus rip its carapace open with its beak and suck the lobsters inside out while the little guy is still alive.

People complain about how humans slaughter animals and pay no attention to how other animals do it. Most prey animals are still alive when the predator starts eating it.
 
2008-11-16 03:51:50 PM
ttc2301: Wahh! Wahh! II'm so edgy because I use crappy syntax to insult Cracked!!
 
2008-11-16 03:53:45 PM
weatherwax: mantidor: meekychuppet: I knew that somewhere they would take a pop at mental illness,

The problem with Aspergers is that 99% of the people who claim to have it are self-diagnosed. Which reminds me about the SA article about it

Zeph Mercurial and the Tragic Epidemic of Asperger's Syndrome (new window)

Good lord. That was the saddest shait I've ever seen. Possibly because I recognize some of that self-indulgent insanity in my teenage self. I get the douche-chills just thinking about it.




heh, I felt the same, although since this is SA they might be exaggerating a little bit, but I'm sure is not hard to find someone like that on the internet.

It takes a sad person to feel that autism is somehow cool and a reason to be proud of, thankfully I'm way over that, but it is still very shameful and disturbing, however is even sadder that there's an actual movement behind it.

/also, an orange band? really?
 
2008-11-16 03:54:09 PM
vgss: As far as I know, cows get a bold through the head and then it's over.

I presume you meant to say "bullet" instead of "bold".

My friend's dad used to work at a slaughter house. He was the guy who killed the cattle (or hogs depending on the day). Anyways, he would shoot them with a .22 which didn't serve to kill them, but more just to stun them. Then, they slit their throats so that the blood pressure helps to drain the blood faster. If they were still alive after a certain amount of time they raise them up by one of their legs and cut 'em straight down their belly.

It's gruesome, but it's hard to kill cattle quickly (thick skulls) and they taste delicious. Mmmmmm....
 
2008-11-16 03:54:13 PM
When I was a kid my mom was kind of a hippy. She had us hug a tree in our front yard because it was sick, and hugging it showed it that we wanted it to get better. She also had an aloe plant in the kitchen, and we were taught to thank the plant when we broke off a piece to treat a burn. I still do the thanking part; hugging trees is awkward and scratchy.

That being said, looking for government acknowledgement of plants' rights is about as smart as Sarah Palin. Plants have no nerve cells or frontal lobes or any way of perceiving the world outside of what goes in their roots and leaves. I think it's safe to say they have no cognitive abilities beyond "hey, food!" Besides, suddenly declaring plants have a right to live will cripple our economy. Tobacco will have to cease sales, herbs and seasonings will halt production (you don't NEED oregano), and what will you do when vines over-run your house and start compromising your foundation? God damn, that's a stupid idea.

And don't get me started on lobsters. Ugly little delicious farks.

I've never heard of Asperger's, but it may explain the minds of many people *cough*Samsaran*cough*.

/end rant
//not to mention no more pot smoking
///or D'Angelo's lobster rolls
////slashies
 
2008-11-16 03:55:59 PM
bonehead800:

Peta is a huge organization with many branches and many different leaders. What a few nutcases do does not speak for the whole. In fact, the vast majority of members are down-to-Earth, respectful people completely unaffiliated with the kinds of members the media reports on.
 
2008-11-16 03:57:18 PM
I think it's funny that lobsters used to be prison food, because people thought, "Well the animal looks disgusting, so it's gotta BE disgusting, right?"
 
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