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(Some Assembly Required)   The worst manuals of 2002: "Do not resolve and refit the product optionally due to safe reason."   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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8022 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Dec 2002 at 3:42 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

62 Comments     (+0 »)

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2002-12-27 03:42:33 PM  
2002-12-27 03:46:27 PM  
"Do not operate this hair dryer in the tub or shower"
2002-12-27 03:48:21 PM  
Besides personal injury lawyers, who the fark reads manuals?
2002-12-27 03:48:22 PM  
"To read articles, click the icon left of the entry. Rinse. Repeat. Wipe hands on pants."

'nuff said.
2002-12-27 03:49:39 PM  
2002-12-27 03:51:04 PM  
"It is advisable to be two people during assembly."
2002-12-27 03:51:09 PM  
Yeah, the whole farking distributed database system where I work is documented the same damn way.
2002-12-27 03:52:12 PM  
I_Can't_Believe_It's_Not_Smegma: I had a better one on a hair dryer I bought --

"Do not use while sleeping."

How exactly would one do that?
2002-12-27 03:55:09 PM  
I installed some software on managers' laptops that would help them write employee appraisals. In the instruction manual it had guidance on words to avoid when writing evaluations. "Bimbo" was on the list. Do you really need someone to tell you that explicitly? If so, you deserve to be sued.
2002-12-27 03:55:26 PM  
This gets my vote for worst link of the week. View the details for everything in Adobe Acrobat? No thanks.
2002-12-27 03:55:35 PM  
I bought a ball joint for a car and it came with the prophetic line: "Always keep balls greased to prevent premature wear."
2002-12-27 03:56:26 PM  
Damn, I wish I would have known about this. I bought an electric sander from one of those "back of the truck" sales that go around to rural communities once a year. ( They set up shop, usually in a community center, and sell junk for a few days.)
It was only a few bucks, so I figured what the hell. The instructions were in English, but...well, let's just say I'm glad I know how to operate a sander. My favorite instruction was this-( I memorized it , it was that funny)

"Please not sand off hand while taking bath. Death may occur immediately. Always protect you while holding tool. If not so, you may lose step and fall to death."

The damn thing works great though. Even in the bathtub.
2002-12-27 03:56:42 PM  
Diogenes: I must have the same freakin hair dryer as you. I was about to mention that line and you went and posted it first!
2002-12-27 03:58:04 PM  
"The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'... you know what it is... I had the book translated in to Japanese then back in again into English. Macho Business Donkey Wrestler... well there you go... it's got kind of a ring to it don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three... which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence... I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut... my hut... but Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no. I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung.

2002-12-27 03:58:24 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Nice warning label, except that it came on my sneakers...
2002-12-27 03:59:21 PM  
"The image from a remainder page manager is deleted from the location of a form piece, in the case that it is shorter than it is long the form that was designated with this command although it is long a physics form."

2002-12-27 03:59:27 PM  
My beers dont come with instructions. That sucks.
2002-12-27 04:01:07 PM  
More from the same NewsRadio skit (English --> Japanese --> English):

...Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.

Question: Mr. James, what did you mean when you wrote bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, War War?

Answer: Well, you know... it's LIKE when a clown is making like a car... racer... it's sorta... like... the FCC. The CLOWN... the clown is like the FCC... and I was opposed to the FCC at the time, right? So it was like I was declaring War. WARRRR!.

Question: So then did the American yum yum clown monkey also represent the FCC?

Answer: Yeah, it did. Thanks a LOT!

Question: What did you mean when you said, "feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey?

Answer: (Sigh)
2002-12-27 04:01:49 PM  
Anti_Freak_Machine -

Much like shampoo: Drink, repeat
2002-12-27 04:04:51 PM  
I think the employee handbook is for a contracting firm or mechanic's shop, that would explain the soapboxy verbosity; I have worked with contractor's on MANY occasions and some of em are pretty dim, you do need to spell every thing out for them. (the supervisors are no exception, just promoted handymen with a napolean complex.)
2002-12-27 04:08:03 PM  
The winning entry was an employee manual. This manual looked like any standard industrial workers manual I've ever seen. Funny how you can read the thing and right away tell that this is a crummy ass job.
2002-12-27 04:08:30 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-12-27 04:09:08 PM  
That is definitely an auto shop. There was reference at one point about smoking near the customers' cars.

That is also one micro-managed shop.
2002-12-27 04:09:16 PM  
I bought a small welder, that could be used with 110 or 220. But, the wires had to be hooked up for your choice of power. Would have been easier had the booklet been written in a language I could read! The book had instructions in french, german, and italian. No English.
Farking European tools...
2002-12-27 04:09:45 PM  
I had one of those sunshades you stuff in your windshield to keep your hands from melting to the steering wheel after an hour in the sun, and it was labeled "Remove before driving." AHH, that's better...
2002-12-27 04:11:10 PM  
Zammaster: I've been a computer programmer for a living for about eleven years, and five years of that was spent working on software to manage printers. I'm used to horrible Japanglish manuals. And I don't have the vaguest farkin' clue what that sentence is trying to say.

"WTF!?" doesn't even begin to cover it.
2002-12-27 04:11:41 PM  
My favorite pages on manuals: "This Page Intentionally Left Blank"
2002-12-27 04:15:22 PM  
For those who have not been there yet, or in a long time.
2002-12-27 04:15:45 PM  
Hogans: That was one of the best episodes of News Radio ever!
2002-12-27 04:16:54 PM
2002-12-27 04:18:46 PM  
I too (as I would guess many farkers are) am a developer, and I would have to say that the most cryptic shiat is printer related.

This like gets me too:
"[Range of Definition]
    nL=04H, nH=00H
    0 <= ( w4*1000000H + w3*10000H + w2*100H + w1 )*1440/(defined unit) <= 7FFFFFFFH
    0 <= ( l4*1000000H + l3*10000H + l2*100H + l1 )*1440/(defined unit) <= 7FFFFFFFH"

who the fark is gonna read that?
2002-12-27 04:19:07 PM  
Dattaway, I had one of those intentionally left blank pages in some bid documents that said "This page intentionally left blank" and underneath it, parenthetically, it said "Except for that statement above about the page being left blank" and then a smaller print line underneath that one that said, parenthetically, "And the above line too about the above line, and this line too."

Paraphrased of course, but you get my drift.
2002-12-27 04:22:05 PM  
all your base are belong to us
2002-12-27 04:23:39 PM  
What strikes me is that I've become so accustomed to poorly written manuals and instructions that these entries just look standard to me. I loved the warnings on the gas log.
2002-12-27 04:24:46 PM  
AbbyNormal: That label didn't happen to come from a DDR pad, did it?
2002-12-27 04:24:53 PM  
"This page intentionally left blank" ...

Hee hee. Used to get that all the time in the scorebooks for musicals I would play in high school. Never failed to crack me up. Ah, good times, good times!
2002-12-27 04:25:26 PM  
Fishrockcarving: Reductio ad absurdum
2002-12-27 04:26:18 PM  

What the hell is that from?
2002-12-27 04:33:35 PM  
My favorite is the runner up, the "sliding bicycle."

"Do not ride the product when you are in poor health or bad spirit." and of course
"Insert the grip into the handle pole. When it clicks, it's ok."
- it sure is O.K. guys. It sure is.
2002-12-27 04:36:10 PM  

you calling me a liar? I'll meet YOU at the flagpole after school.
2002-12-27 04:38:38 PM  
Zamster ... those look like hard-stop margins.
2002-12-27 04:42:29 PM  
Fishrock - not at all, I was characterizing what you described. But if you want, I'll share a joint with you at the flagpole later.


I had a consulting gig at the National Cancer Institute where I was designing a system for online data entry of clinical trial data. So I had to start with the examining the existing paper forms. One of them had the following line item:

"Was a stool sample taken? If so, please attach."
2002-12-27 04:44:54 PM  
All hail Chinglish!
2002-12-27 04:46:07 PM  
"One point in fact, of which I spoke to you of which, I can't talk to you about it here."
2002-12-27 04:46:18 PM  
My two all time favorites that I had:
"You will have hour of fun with your Panasonic intercom"
(I had a stopwatch - I timed each usage of the intercom. After an hour, total time, indeed, it was no fun anymore)
Some salad bowls we bought:
"do not wash in soggy water"
2002-12-27 04:49:40 PM  
My favorite has got to be the Apex DVD player manual. It is sooo bad. Not as bad as the manual to a friend's Mulata though.

But, still, to this day, nothing beats a thing I saw in Consumer Reports on the "Selling It" page at the back. They mentioned the instructions were really poorly translated for a Yamaha musical keyboard stand. The proper translation was supposed to read "Screw the parts together." Unfortunately, CR did not feel like saying what it really said, but I think we know.
2002-12-27 04:51:49 PM  
Diogenes, well then, okay. Debate training kicked in.
1. Establish contention by attempting to draw out a ludicrous counter contention,
2. Meet at the flagpole after school to fight.

Or blow a doobie.
2002-12-27 04:55:47 PM  
Diogenes: I've slept with a hairdryer before...couldn't get
past that screen thingie where the air comes out... seriously- I lived in northern cal, no heat in the house,
so used the hair dryer to avoid thermal shock when getting
between the sheets- worked great!

and don't lick the flagpole in the winter...
2002-12-27 05:41:12 PM  
12-27-02 04:33:35 PM Kannok
My favorite is the runner up, the "sliding bicycle."

Caught my eye too. Was particularly amused by:

"Be careful not to let your fingers got [sic] squeezed, when installation and discharge."

Sounds like some cryptic warning about possible damage to your fingers when using your hand to insert your peckler...oh, you know....

Kittens got squeezed......fingers maintained safe distance...bicycle slid wildly out of control.
2002-12-27 05:50:18 PM  
Oh thank God, this really hits me where I live.

I mean, I hardly ever read manuals anyway...but when I do I'm left wondering "What in the Hell are they thinking?" I just want to walk up to whoever wrote this, smack them in the back of the head with their own work and yell "WAKE UP!!! You're writing something someone else is supposed to be able to read!"

Unintelligible, grammatically-tangled and twisted statements of irreverence ought to be reserved for FARK.
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