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(I-Mockery)   I-Mockery shows you how to *really* survive a horror movie   (i-mockery.com) divider line 72
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13452 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Sep 2008 at 5:57 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-09-11 02:34:04 PM
I disagree with a few of these.

6. Don't have sex. Early enough in the movie, sex is acceptable if you're married (and it's with your spouse). Generally once you've got a second corpse (or the first, if you were emotionally close), no more nookie.

7. Running Up the Stairs: Not quite. The reason the people who run for the door die is because they don't check outside the door--the unknown is always worse than the known. Up the stairs is bad--always run to ground level, and then to bright lights/population centers. Outside is fine if you are SURE the killer is in your house, and you've got your keys. If you don't have the keys, don't look for them, just run along the road (NOT INTO THE WOODS).

8. Be in the military. Doesn't work if the rest of the cast is also in the military (well, it's not a guarantee). And it just means you're likely to die second or third to last so the spunky heroine can survive.

13. Observe companion's behaviors. Addendum: if you do get bit, tell your friends and then go out taking as many bad guys as possible with you. Don't be an ass and take a friend with you.

22. Avoid dolls. Bad advice--giving it to another child breaks the "don't be an ass" rule, and you're toast. Generally speaking, if your kid has the doll, you and they will survive. This goes double if you're a single parent, but loses some impact if your kid is a teenager.

23. No drinking. If you're of legal age, drinking early in the movie isn't a problem (see #6). And if you're facing some unnameable Cthulhuian horror, feel free to get incredibly drunk. Most scary monsters won't go for you when you're completely passed out. You've just got to get really really drunk really fast.
 
2008-09-11 03:09:07 PM
Never, ever solve any puzzles, translate any books, or play any old board games you find lying around.

Don't go looking for your pet. They are more likely to survive than you are and will probably just stand around barking/hissing/ooking/whatever while something or someone eats you.

Do not, under any circumstances, thaw out anything you find in a glacier. It is not a friendly cave man.
 
2008-09-11 03:30:05 PM
Sybarite: thaw out anything you find in a glacier. It is not a friendly cave man.

I beg to differ.

img176.imageshack.us
 
2008-09-11 03:39:57 PM
dgc360: Sybarite: thaw out anything you find in a glacier. It is not a friendly cave man.

I beg to differ.


The cheese is old and moldy. Where is the bathroom?
 
2008-09-11 03:56:51 PM
dgc360: Sybarite: thaw out anything you find in a glacier. It is not a friendly cave man.

I beg to differ.



Okay, okay...I should add that you have to ask yourself three questions:

1) Am I in high school, yet appear to be thirty?

2) Do I have two or more frequently repeated catch phrases?

3) Is my best friend a fat hobbit?


If you answer 'no' to any of these, then see above rule.
 
2008-09-11 06:02:02 PM
Don't be black.
 
2008-09-11 06:03:11 PM
The survivalist bad ass that knows what to do and has the weapons always ends up getting killed trying to save one of the Noobs. If you are the badass don't save the noobs, fark them.
 
2008-09-11 06:05:03 PM
14. Don't be a virgin.


I thought it was the opposite
 
2008-09-11 06:12:06 PM
New rule:

Know how to properly use firearms....especially shotguns. I've seen enough movies where a guy fumbles around with a 12 gauge and is completely clueless. They always end up dead.
 
2008-09-11 06:12:21 PM
17. Do not allow your band of survivors to split up.

But what if the problem is killer plants (maybe just greenery in general) decides to kill you if you're in too large a group? Maybe then it's best to split up.
 
2008-09-11 06:13:58 PM
26. Absolutely never stay at a hotel or motel that is off the beaten path. In fact, it's best not to leave the Interstate at all.
 
2008-09-11 06:16:03 PM
leave the movie theater? It always works for me.
 
2008-09-11 06:17:25 PM
Don't be the "new" guy, or be the only red shirt, on a party to beam down to an alien planet.

Kirk, Spock, McCoy and "Dave" all materialize on Planet X.

Guess who's dead before the opening credits roll?
 
2008-09-11 06:19:08 PM
Don't have sex
Don't be a virgin

Confused much?

Also, don't go into a forest, in the rain, in high heels and prom dress.
 
2008-09-11 06:22:16 PM
"new guy" + red shirt = death.

upload.wikimedia.org

Do not be this guy.
 
2008-09-11 06:22:27 PM
i22.photobucket.com

"This thread has a death curse. You're all doomed."
 
2008-09-11 06:23:15 PM
aproposofnothing.files.wordpress.com
 
2008-09-11 06:24:18 PM
Do not go on a canoe trip. Especially if you are the fat one.
 
2008-09-11 06:24:45 PM
Um...how about never, ever bring a harpoon and a hockey mask to fool your friends while a disfigured maniac is hiding in the woods?
 
2008-09-11 06:26:12 PM
Heroic Poser: Um...how about never, ever bring a harpoon and a hockey mask to fool your friends while a disfigured maniac is hiding in the woods?


That actor won some money on 1 vs. 100 not too long ago. IIRC, he's a laywer in L.A.
 
2008-09-11 06:28:06 PM
1) If you think a vampire has moved in next door, leave him alone.

2) If you play a high school kid who gets seduced by a vampire in an alley, you might end up doing ghey prOn later in your career.

/Search IMDB if you don't believe me.
 
2008-09-11 06:33:19 PM
Wasn't this list just a rehash of that one movie?

However, it was worth it for this picture:

i-mockery.com

Not sure what movie it's from but I think I'll 'shop it into an animated GIF that does nothing for 30 second then it jumps at the screen. Or maybe just blinks.
 
2008-09-11 06:35:50 PM
The_Sponge: Know how to properly use firearms....especially shotguns. I've seen enough movies where a guy fumbles around with a 12 gauge and is completely clueless. They always end up dead.

When pumping rounds into a bad guy fails to stop his advance, do not freeze in disbelief or fire wildly while fleeing, maintain separation while pausing occasionally to calmly continue fire. Complete the Mozambique drill if the first two COM shots are ineffective.

The only effective handguns are the 1911 in .45 ACP, long barrel revolvers in .44 Mag, and the Desert Eagle .50AE. Discard any "pussy 9MM".
 
2008-09-11 06:43:07 PM
The_Sponge:
That actor won some money on 1 vs. 100 not too long ago. IIRC, he's a laywer in L.A.


LOL!!
 
2008-09-11 06:45:11 PM
choice and consequence: The_Sponge: Know how to properly use firearms....especially shotguns. I've seen enough movies where a guy fumbles around with a 12 gauge and is completely clueless. They always end up dead.

When pumping rounds into a bad guy fails to stop his advance, do not freeze in disbelief or fire wildly while fleeing, maintain separation while pausing occasionally to calmly continue fire. Complete the Mozambique drill if the first two COM shots are ineffective.

The only effective handguns are the 1911 in .45 ACP, long barrel revolvers in .44 Mag, and the Desert Eagle .50AE. Discard any "pussy 9MM".

On the contrary: don't get rid of any weapon because it's too "pussy" for your bad ass style. You'll have finished all the bad guys except for one, when your .45 ACP runs out.

Plus, you get more shots out of a 9mm before reload.
 
2008-09-11 06:45:14 PM
Don't be the bimbo in the super-short shorts who chomps her gum and speaks in an east Jersey accent. Do not under any circumstances tease your hair or wear a half-shirt.

Do know how to build a bow, crossbow, harpoon gun, tank, blowgun, and how to fashion a lawnmower blade into a machete. Smoke a cigar at all times. Be handy with a whip, lasso, pistol, and soldering iron.

Do be the guy who knows how stuff works, the guy with the keys, the guy with the GPS, and the guy who can tie excellent knots.

Don't be the girl who can't take seventeen steps at a full run without falling on her tits and sloooowly crawling away from impending doom. While crying.


Do be the guy who can get that old farm truck running.


Do
be the girl with toned muscles who doesn't take crap from anyone, but doesn't have a chip on her shoulder. The runner, the former gymnast, the hot girl in spandex that we see at Tae Bo.


Don't
be the guy who's always laughing hysterically. DEFINITELY do not continue to joke around 10 minutes after finding a mangled corpse. Do not be the guy who says the dead girl was "so hot".

Don't be the scientist who accidentally created a monster.

Do Be over 30 and helpful but oblivious to the situation. Be far away, in a lighthouse or a concrete bunker full of semiautomatic weapons, completely unavailable to the protagonists. Show up at the end of the film and shoot the bad guy. Smile, FREEZE FRAME! (music, roll credits)

Don't be the nasty, judgmental, shriveled up old crone from town who's just a tad nosy.

Do own a modified, overpowered spinning reel type lawnmower. With a chrome plated exhaust and a supercharger. Paint a black widow on the air cleaner and the word "Widowmaker" on the clippings collector. Attach chrome spikes and chains as necessary. You can get them at Hot Topic, but avoid the iron ons.

Do be the smart geek girl who's actually a total hottie under her glasses, but has been dressed in a ridiculously large flannel dress and penny loafers. At the right moment, remove the glasses, miraculously gain confidence, and shoot the stripper stare at the camera. Learn a major growing life lesson during the film. You live, but your nerdy boyfriend is totally farking dead. Sorry about that. You're better off by the end of the film, trust me.

Don't read aloud any magical incantations or any unfamiliar text from old books, scrolls, or timeshare leaflets you may encounter.
 
2008-09-11 06:48:45 PM
Heroic Poser: The_Sponge:
That actor won some money on 1 vs. 100 not too long ago. IIRC, he's a laywer in L.A.

LOL!!



I felt like such a dork for recognizing him. My SO rolled her eyes when I mentioned his important role in the Friday the 13th movie series.
 
2008-09-11 06:50:26 PM
Tawnos: choice and consequence: The_Sponge: Know how to properly use firearms....especially shotguns. I've seen enough movies where a guy fumbles around with a 12 gauge and is completely clueless. They always end up dead.

When pumping rounds into a bad guy fails to stop his advance, do not freeze in disbelief or fire wildly while fleeing, maintain separation while pausing occasionally to calmly continue fire. Complete the Mozambique drill if the first two COM shots are ineffective.

The only effective handguns are the 1911 in .45 ACP, long barrel revolvers in .44 Mag, and the Desert Eagle .50AE. Discard any "pussy 9MM".
On the contrary: don't get rid of any weapon because it's too "pussy" for your bad ass style. You'll have finished all the bad guys except for one, when your .45 ACP runs out.

Plus, you get more shots out of a 9mm before reload.



Uncle Sponge is ready for the zombie invasion:

i22.photobucket.com
 
2008-09-11 06:52:40 PM
Oh, I thought it was meant to be how to survive going to see a horror film.

I was wondering why it didn't mention "Don't go to an ethnic neighborhood to see a horror film unless you like listening to the audience give advice to the screen."
 
2008-09-11 06:53:20 PM
Never take a shower in slow motion
 
2008-09-11 06:55:33 PM
Never wear a scary costume. Examples:

Halloween (The dork wearing the sheet.)
Friday the 13th Part III (Shelly and his hockey mask.)
 
2008-09-11 06:56:46 PM
Never return to the diner full of cannibals to retrieve your purse.
 
2008-09-11 06:58:11 PM
Do not be a frat boy in a Trans-Am full of other frat boys.

Commit no date-rapes during the course of the film. There will be plenty of time after the homicidal maniac has been dispatched.
 
2008-09-11 07:03:30 PM
As funny as it might seem to you and your friends, it is actually a bad idea to dump pig's blood on any awkward students you may encounter at the Prom. This auspicious event is actually a good time to apologize for the behavior your clique has been showing lately. Turn over a new leaf. Comment on how nice she looks in the dress she made. Be sincere.
 
2008-09-11 07:06:53 PM
Do not under any circumstance allow yourself to become the captain of the football team. Quit the team immediately and focus on your studies should you find yourself team captain. Wear a t-shirt with some kind of sleeves. Sleeves tend to repel psychotic murderers. Glasses work quite well too.

Don't smoke anything your new friends offer you, even if you are the new kid and need the social interaction.
 
2008-09-11 07:09:39 PM
grizzlyjohnson: Wasn't this list just a rehash of that one movie?

However, it was worth it for this picture:



Not sure what movie it's from but I think I'll 'shop it into an animated GIF that does nothing for 30 second then it jumps at the screen. Or maybe just blinks.


LOL! Do it and post it here! I love those GIFs they get me every time. One that just blinks is a fine idea. I'm freaked out just imagining it.
 
2008-09-11 07:13:10 PM
If you do drugs, make sure they're stored in bic pens that can conveniently be used as weapons to kill the aliens invading your teachers.
 
2008-09-11 07:14:58 PM
22. Avoid any creepy dolls or toys.

If your child just found a creepy-looking doll in the attic or basement of the house you just moved into, you need to get rid of it. But don't burn it! That will only make it angry. Give it to some other neighborhood child, and now it's their farking problem.


Me and my pediophobia live by this.
 
2008-09-11 07:16:19 PM
Do not use a pickup truck or Camaro's awesome rear-wheel-drive to spray gravel at any of the other characters in the film.

Do not pick up any unusual items at yard sales you may encounter. Yard sales are commonly used to offload cursed or haunted household objects or family heirlooms. If you find any handmade ornament with strange markings, immediately put it down and get on the nearest Greyhound bus out of town before the chaos starts. Do not rotate any mechanism that the object may have. Do not assemble or repair any item which is left to you by a relative.

Do not wear any item of jewelry that has a bat, scorpion, or spider motif. Leave it in the box.

Do not drive fast at night in a van full of teenagers. Do not stop if you hit something. You're better off pretending you didn't notice.

Do not have one last beach bonfire with your high school friends before leaving for college forever.

If ANYTHING bites or stings one of your friends, do not put him/her in a back room and carry on your business. Get him/her to the hospital or GTFO right now.

Do not have a miscarriage in a high school lavatory.

Do not smoke in the ladies' room.
 
2008-09-11 07:16:38 PM
ChaoticLimbs: Glasses work quite well too.


It didn't work for the guy in "Halloween".

*Adjusting my nerd glasses*
 
2008-09-11 07:23:27 PM
Don't forget some of the real goodies:
Never allow yourself to end up in the hospital, under any circumstances.
Don't get drunk, ever. Especially if you're outdoors/near a body of water.
Don't leave the party - either alone, or with one other person.
Don't let your car break down. Don't even think about going to the middle of nowhere, no matter how much fun it sounds like or how sunny it is. Your car will crap out and you will get stuck creeping around abandoned old houses and die.
Don't be a punk, or a preppie, or a lone nerd.
 
2008-09-11 07:24:57 PM
ChaoticLimbs: Do be the girl with toned muscles who doesn't take crap from anyone, but doesn't have a chip on her shoulder. The runner, the former gymnast, the hot girl in spandex that we see at Tae Bo.

Nightmare on Elm Street 4 disagrees with this. If you're that toned chick, you'll probably be turned into a giant cockroach.

Don't be the scientist who accidentally created a monster.

The entirety of the "Reanimator" series disagrees with you here. Jeffrey Combs will reanimate you then dispatch of you later. You may even come across a cute battle between a rat and a reanimated penis. That will be the highlight of the movie, though...
 
2008-09-11 07:27:48 PM
What ever happened to "Don't be that crippled guy"...

And why the hell is it that the cripple ALWAYS gets picked off? Shouldn't sympathy save this person?
 
2008-09-11 07:29:52 PM
I love this time of year...
::sigh::
 
2008-09-11 07:31:06 PM
ChaoticLimbs:
Do be the smart geek girl who's actually a total hottie under her glasses, but has been dressed in a ridiculously large flannel dress and penny loafers. At the right moment, remove the glasses, miraculously gain confidence, and shoot the stripper stare at the camera. Learn a major growing life lesson during the film. You live, but your nerdy boyfriend is totally farking dead. Sorry about that. You're better off by the end of the film, trust me.



Note -- this does not apply to alien invasion horror movies. In this scenario, you either become possessed or are the alien.
 
2008-09-11 07:33:31 PM
ignorantalmond:
Nightmare on Elm Street 4 disagrees with this. If you're that toned chick, you'll probably be turned into a giant cockroach.


I wonder if anyone in that audience had ever read Kafka.
 
2008-09-11 07:36:18 PM
This text is now purple: ignorantalmond:
Nightmare on Elm Street 4 disagrees with this. If you're that toned chick, you'll probably be turned into a giant cockroach.


I wonder if anyone in that audience had ever read Kafka.


We're talking about the Nightmare on Elm Street audience. Granted when I watched it I was about 8, so the reference went right over my head... But NOW I get it...;)
 
2008-09-11 07:41:23 PM
ignorantalmond: What ever happened to "Don't be that crippled guy"...

And why the hell is it that the cripple ALWAYS gets picked off? Shouldn't sympathy save this person?


Doesn't Vriess survive in Alien Resurrection?
 
2008-09-11 07:43:33 PM
This text is now purple: ignorantalmond: What ever happened to "Don't be that crippled guy"...

And why the hell is it that the cripple ALWAYS gets picked off? Shouldn't sympathy save this person?

Doesn't Vriess survive in Alien Resurrection?


That movie doesn't count as anything but a mistake.

But yes... Shiat. The little French bastard survives.
 
2008-09-11 07:46:06 PM
If the dog is barking wildly and will not shut up, listen to him. Get the hell out of the area.

If the caged animals suddenly go berserk for some unexplained reason, get the hell out of the lab.

If the mousy girl suddenly turns into some sort of supervixen, do not have carnal relations with her.

Don't stay out after the shark has shown how big he is. Get a bigger boat. Preferably one that's armor plated and has anti-aircraft guns. Better yet, go back to shore and stay there.

If the possessed child's head does a 360, leave. If the kid starts projectile vomiting, leave.

If a disembodied voice tells you to "Get out," do so. Screw the equity.

If the volcano starts to smoke and the official government response is "don't worry, everything's fine;" leave now.

Weapons should only be used if you're up against the wall with no other way out. It tends to piss off the monster if you shoot it.

Red shirts are not always an indicator that you're going to die first. Being in a "Security" position does, unless you're the top ranking person. Then a few of your troops will die before you do. But you will die eventually. Don't take a "Security" job.

If some crazed maniac with a multi-colored mohawk and leathers shows up, go the other way, preferably before he sees you.
 
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