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(Defamer)   If you ever dreamed of having an Oscar-winning screenwriter take a Sharpie to your scrotum get to L.A. tonight   (defamer.com) divider line 44
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3987 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 11 Jul 2008 at 8:54 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-07-11 09:10:36 PM  
"Diablo" Cody is the George Bush of the movie world. It doesn't matter how little qualifications, ability, or skill you have, you too can be successful if you have the right contacts.

Juno winning a screenwriting award is the last bit of proof anyone will ever need about the Oscars awarding who has the best marketing plan, although it's been obvious for decades.
 
2008-07-11 09:13:05 PM  
She could pen a whole new screenplay on these boys' boys:

img337.imageshack.us
 
2008-07-11 09:13:49 PM  
The story hangs together really well, and the timing is great, but Honest to Blog I really hated that phony, sucky dialogue.

Take your shirt off, baby.
 
2008-07-11 09:26:25 PM  
Oooh, look children, the all too common jealousy monster is rearing it's ugly head. Take a picture for your keepsake and let's move on.
 
2008-07-11 09:28:59 PM  
Hold my calls, Fark. I'll be out all night.
 
2008-07-11 09:55:38 PM  
Oooh, look children, it's known pederast and urine enthusiast AgentONeal here to read our minds and penises!
 
2008-07-11 10:08:26 PM  
What the hell does "scrotum get to L.A. tonight" mean?
 
2008-07-11 10:09:38 PM  
Abridged Juno

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.

MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voice over narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voice over narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.


Link
 
2008-07-11 10:16:01 PM  
AgentONeal:Oooh, look children, the all too common jealousy monster is rearing it's ugly head. Take a picture for your keepsake and let's move on.

Everyone wants to be a former stripper who slept her way into contacts and then is responsible for some of the worst dialogue and characters I've ever seen in a movie.
 
2008-07-11 10:18:51 PM  
No matter your opinion on cody the new beverly is a great theater and should be supported.
/got to watch american werwolf in london with john landis sitting right in front of me there.
 
2008-07-11 10:22:48 PM  
Please be Charlie Kaufman... Please be Charlie Kaufman...

*RTFA*

Damn.

Critch:"Diablo" Cody is the George Bush of the movie world. It doesn't matter how little qualifications, ability, or skill you have, you too can be successful if you have the right contacts.

This.
 
2008-07-11 10:26:32 PM  
And for the record, Kimya Dawson, Jason Reitman, J.K. Simmons and the male leads of Arrested Development are awesome. Juno would have been a great movie if someone else had written it.
 
2008-07-11 10:30:39 PM  
demands that she scrawl, "Your balls are the cheese to my macaroni. Love, Diablo" with a fine-point Sharpie across one's low-hanging nether-regions will most likely not be obliged.

Bad idea.

Trust me.

It's a much better idea to use a new regular sharpie, with a good point, than the fine-point sharpies. It's far too easy to stab yourself.

/i don't wanna talk about it
 
2008-07-11 10:37:31 PM  
I haven't seen this movie but I knew it would be shiat, because so many people were talking about it, telling me that I "have to see it" I kept thinking Napolean Dynomite, a movie that I turned off after 90 minutes rather than suffer through the rest.
 
2008-07-11 10:40:46 PM  
GonzoNihilist:Napolean Dynomite, a movie that I turned off after 90 minutes rather than suffer through the rest

you gave it about 85 more minutes than I did...
 
2008-07-11 10:46:34 PM  
Careful. It's a trap. Cody and Jesse Jackson are working together to de-male anyone who still respects them.
 
2008-07-11 10:47:08 PM  
Dumb-Ass-Monkey
GonzoNihilist:Napolean Dynomite, a movie that I turned off after 90 minutes rather than suffer through the rest

you gave it about 85 more minutes than I did...


Ya, it was an akward night with family. I otherwise wouldn't have seen it at all.
 
2008-07-11 10:50:35 PM  
Bah, haters.
She makes me laugh. She has a clever turn of phrase, and her pieces in EW are terrific.

/And she's teh cute.
 
2008-07-11 10:54:49 PM  
GonzoNihilist:Ya, it was an akward night with family. I otherwise wouldn't have seen it at all.

A girlfriend made me sit thru "Glitter" with her.

she LOVED it

I dumped her.
 
2008-07-11 11:04:13 PM  
Note to Cody: If Jesse Jackson shows up, that's not his nutsack he wants you to sign.
 
2008-07-11 11:14:39 PM  
GonzoNihilist:Napolean Dynomite, a movie that I turned off after 90 minutes rather than suffer through the rest.

That was the one with Jimmie Walker?
 
2008-07-11 11:15:10 PM  
Critch:"Diablo" Cody is the George Bush of the movie world. It doesn't matter how little qualifications, ability, or skill you have, you too can be successful if you have the right contacts.

Juno winning a screenwriting award is the last bit of proof anyone will ever need about the Oscars awarding who has the best marketing plan, although it's been obvious for decades.


Balls. Titanic proved that to be true years ago. Twelve or thirteen oscars never meant so little.
 
2008-07-11 11:22:19 PM  
beoswulf:Abridged Juno

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.

MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voice over narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voice over narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.

Link


Thank you for that. That scene NEVER HAPPENS! I love it.
 
2008-07-11 11:34:12 PM  
Reverend Otis:Critch:"Diablo" Cody is the George Bush of the movie world. It doesn't matter how little qualifications, ability, or skill you have, you too can be successful if you have the right contacts.

Juno winning a screenwriting award is the last bit of proof anyone will ever need about the Oscars awarding who has the best marketing plan, although it's been obvious for decades.

Balls. Titanic proved that to be true years ago. Twelve or thirteen oscars never meant so little.


Oh I agree, I thought Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan was a perfect example of this sort of thing earlier, and if you wanna go way back...c'mon, Annie Hall over Star Wars?
 
2008-07-11 11:49:04 PM  
My Juno rant, in bullet form:

1. If you ever hear any teenager say "honest to blog", shoot them. Nobody says that.
2. Diablo Cody finished watching Little Miss Sunshine and then wrote Juno. NOT EVERY CHARACTER NEEDS TO BE INSANELY QUIRKY
3. Jason Bateman was useless to that movie
4. Page and Bateman had the worst movie chemistry I've ever seen. It was some of the worst writing and plot I'd ever seen. Regardless of quirkiness, no characters connect like that.
5. We get it, you like indie music that nobody has heard of. You don't need to blare it over the entire movie.
6. UNNATURAL FORCED WITTY DIALOGUE
7. How many sixteen year olds have heard of Thundercats?
8. MORE UNNATURAL FORCED WITTY DIALOGUE

I watched it and it wasn't a bad movie. I would recommend that others watch it. But in no way would I have nominated it for best picture, and especially not Ellen Page for best actress.

I can only hope that we don't see a plethora of dysfunctional uber-witty movies.
 
2008-07-12 12:16:26 AM  
GavinTheAlmighty:3. Jason Bateman was useless to that movie

Are you kidding? Jason Bateman was the best thing about that movie! (Until the forced, stupid uncomfortable-come-on scene.)

GavinTheAlmighty:5. We get it, you like indie music that nobody has heard of. You don't need to blare it over the entire movie.

I think Kimya Dawson's pretty well-known... Unless you're talking about Sonic Youth, and who the hell has heard of them?
 
2008-07-12 12:50:29 AM  
Movie wasn't bad, but really nothing special. Still would turn Ellen's Pagina though, even without the half bottle of Wild Turkey in me right now.
 
2008-07-12 01:02:08 AM  
I think that Diablo Cody is ok, but I don't really see why everyone fawns all over Juno. It was cute, but it wasn't anything exceptional. I don't mind that she made a movie. I don't mind that it won an award. If she wants to make a zillion more, that's her business. The only thing I don't like is how pop culture likes to latch onto someone & cram it down our throats that we should like them. If we do say that we dislike them, then we are accused of being jealous haters rather than people with a valid opinion.

That's half the reason I hated Napoleon Dynamite so much. The movie was ok enough, but then everyone went off on this HUGE Napoleon Dynamite kick. I told one or two people that I really didn't like the movie and they responded that I must be insane, jealous, not cool enough, ect. You name it, I heard it.

By the way... is Diablo Cody or any of the teen actors from the movie ever going to do anything else or are they just going to try to cash in on the success of this one good movie?
 
2008-07-12 01:18:10 AM  
tokyogirl79:The only thing I don't like is how pop culture likes to latch onto someone & cram it down our throats that we should like them. If we do say that we dislike them, then we are accused of being jealous haters rather than people with a valid opinion.

farkin' a, I know exactly what you mean.

I'm looking at YOU, Shia LeBeouf.

If Tom Hanks was the new Jimmy Stewart, and Shia LeBeouf is the new Tom Hanks, we have all seriously underestimated the law of diminishing returns.
 
2008-07-12 01:35:36 AM  
peachpicker:tokyogirl79:The only thing I don't like is how pop culture likes to latch onto someone & cram it down our throats that we should like them. If we do say that we dislike them, then we are accused of being jealous haters rather than people with a valid opinion.

farkin' a, I know exactly what you mean.

I'm looking at YOU, Shia LeBeouf.

If Tom Hanks was the new Jimmy Stewart, and Shia LeBeouf is the new Tom Hanks, we have all seriously underestimated the law of diminishing returns.


Oh man... I don't know what anyone sees in Shia Lebeouf. He's one of the worst actors I've ever seen and I think that he was the one thing that dragged down IJ4 the most. He must be farking someone in Hollywood or sold his soul to be a big star. Other than his good looks, he has nothing to offer.

I'm so tired of all these pretty boy actors getting a free ride in Hollywood. I want ugly (or at least what Hollywood thinks is ugly, I'm willing to negotiate) guys in the movies! I want guys with a bit of body hair or a bit of a gut to be in a movie as something other than the douchebag comic relief! Fark having a new Tom Hanks if he's going to be like Shia Lebeouf. Give me a new Steve Buscemi any day.
 
2008-07-12 01:58:33 AM  
destitute college kid

Are you kidding? Jason Bateman was the best thing about that movie! (Until the forced, stupid uncomfortable-come-on scene.)

Just because he was in Arrested Development, doesn't make him good. Zero emotion whatsoever, no facial expressions, basically he was a mannequin.

I think Kimya Dawson's pretty well-known... Unless you're talking about Sonic Youth, and who the hell has heard of them?

If you asked 100 people on the street (and not on a college campus, where at least one person knows the most random podunk piece of shiat music), I think you would find that she is nowhere near as well known as one might think. Sonic Youth yes, the rest of the blaring crap, probably not so much.
 
2008-07-12 02:08:40 AM  
Wow, this is impressive.

Another "JUNO sucks" thread somehow managed to veer into "Titanic" backlash (only 11 years late!), the old "Saving Private Ryan"-was-robbed argument (anyone with a brain knows "Shakespeare in Love" was better...and I'm a HUGE Spielberg fan), and find room for the "Star Wars"-lost-to-"Annie Hall" crapola.

What's next? "Chicago" shouldn't have beat "The Two Towers"? Bill Murray was robbed in '98? Shia LaBeouf sucks?
 
2008-07-12 02:11:32 AM  
Wait a galldurn minute...

This thread already has Shia bashing in it. Whew! Glad to see all the bases are covered!
 
2008-07-12 03:07:15 AM  
quizkid8279: Bill Murray was robbed in '98?

Well since you brought it up, yeah, Bill Murray was robbed in '98.
 
2008-07-12 04:11:42 AM  
GavinTheAlmighty:1. If you ever hear any teenager say "honest to blog", shoot them. Nobody says that.

5. We get it, you like indie music that nobody has heard of. You don't need to blare it over the entire movie.

7. How many sixteen year olds have heard of Thundercats?


You... don't really get teenagers, do you?

Not saying that's a bad thing. But intentional fark-ups of phrases? Obsessing over music? Farking Thundercats? All of those are the bee's knees with the kiddies.
 
2008-07-12 05:59:56 AM  
Critch:AgentONeal:

Everyone wants to be a former stripper who slept her way into contacts and then is responsible for some of the worst dialogue and characters I've ever seen in a movie.


She stripped for year so she could write a book about it. If you were a full-time stripper that could write like that, nevermind how cute and pretentious, it'd be impressive. "Former Stripper" should be a badge of pride to anyone who left the club and made something of their lives and she cheapens it. If that's possible.
 
2008-07-12 12:19:35 PM  
Never understood all the bashing about Juno. The movie rocked...and sure was a lot funnier than the usual crap Hollywood puts out.

The scary thing is...all those who bash Juno...what kind of crap do they really like? Scary.

Diablo wrote a killer script. Get over it. And, who talks like that in all those other movies that come out?
 
2008-07-12 02:57:18 PM  
drkdstryer

You... don't really get teenagers, do you?

Not saying that's a bad thing. But intentional fark-ups of phrases? Obsessing over music? Farking Thundercats? All of those are the bee's knees with the kiddies.


- Sixteen-year-olds aren't really up on their 1980s cartoons.
- I wasn't talking about obsessing over music the way Juno did in the movie, I was talking about the blaring indie music that cut in every ten seconds when there wasn't dialogue.
- "Honest to blog", again, is a stupid turn of phrase that nobody uses.

I contend that Juno would have been a much better book than movie.
 
2008-07-12 03:39:00 PM  
GavinTheAlmighty:drkdstryer

You... don't really get teenagers, do you?

Not saying that's a bad thing. But intentional fark-ups of phrases? Obsessing over music? Farking Thundercats? All of those are the bee's knees with the kiddies.

- Sixteen-year-olds aren't really up on their 1980s cartoons.
- I wasn't talking about obsessing over music the way Juno did in the movie, I was talking about the blaring indie music that cut in every ten seconds when there wasn't dialogue.
- "Honest to blog", again, is a stupid turn of phrase that nobody uses.

I contend that Juno would have been a much better book than movie.


Huh?

16 yr olds are definitely up to date with older cartoons....with all the cable channels, internet, and DVD...its easy to know about the older stuff. I know when I was 16 I couldnt just look up some old TV show on the net...now you can

Indie music wasnt blaring in the movie...in fact most of the music in between scenes and dialogue was classic rock and older alternative.

And nobody said "Here's Johnny" until after The Shining came out in 1980...even though Ed McMahon said it every nite on the Tonight Show. Nobody said "Show Me The Money" until after Jerry Maguire came out.....(this list can go on forever).
 
2008-07-12 06:01:49 PM  
The only things I want Diablo Cody to take to my nutsack are her lips and her tongue.
 
2008-07-12 06:09:59 PM  
YAWWWNNN

Could you let me know when she has a second movie released?
 
2008-07-13 01:15:02 AM  

UCFRoadWarrior:
Diablo wrote a killer script a weak knockoff of Knocked Up with awful dialog. Get over it.


FTFY
 
2008-07-13 03:06:03 AM  
GavinTheAlmighty:- Sixteen-year-olds aren't really up on their 1980s cartoons.

Absolutely wrong. Go directly to jail, do not pass go.

- I wasn't talking about obsessing over music the way Juno did in the movie, I was talking about the blaring indie music that cut in every ten seconds when there wasn't dialogue.

So you don't like the music in the movie. That's... that's pretty subjective, and it's weird you chose that as one of you bulwark criticisms of the movie. When you typed that, I thought you were referring to the character of Juno.

- "Honest to blog", again, is a stupid turn of phrase that nobody uses.

Ah, so if yno one you know uses it, no one uses it?

"Honest to blog" is stunningly similar to "honest to god". Guess what? Stereotypically, most teenagers don't believe in god. Also stereotypically, they love blogs. Wow, couldn't be a convenient replacement in the colloquial speech, could it?
 
2008-07-14 10:58:13 AM  
But will she sign your johnson?
 
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