dahmers love zombie: I don't really have any major problem with my co-workers, but I really feel hurt when there's someone in my office, and she's really, really cute, but pretends to be terribly distant, like she's saying "I don't date people in the workplace", when I know full well that she does, at least she did the other week when I asked her out, and even offered her a piece of my gourmet 75% cacao Scharffen Berger bar, and she was all "I have to groom my cat" but when I happened to be outside her apartment building later on that day she came out and got into a car and I looked and it was Burnside, that asshole from Accounting who keeps talking about me to the boss, saying that I'm not doing my job, but he won't do THAT again, but I'm getting ahead of myself -- anyway, she went with him to the Crab Shack, which is where I told her that I wanted to take her, and she showed up with him and stayed for an hour and twelve minutes and had the appetizer that I always order and she had three Crabby Slammers so I knew the little harlot was planning on getting lucky with Burnside, but boy was she in for a surprise because I'd been loading his coffee with saltpeter for about a month, just a little bit at a time but working up to a pretty big load for a pretty big toad -- but when they went back to his place I couldn't see what they were doing right away because he's got a doorman who was all "Get away from here, you creep stalker", so I called 911 from a pay phone and said he was smoking pot and molesting a little girl in the lobby so they came and while they were talking to him I came in and when I got out on the balcony they had already failed to do whatever the strumpet and her prey were intending to do because they just sat and talked, just talked, for like three hours and forty seven minutes and then he took her home, probably going down Lake to Shoreline Drive because by the time I was able to sneak downstairs and get back to my Vespa and get back to her building she was already home and if he had driven her by any other route it would have taken him longer than nineteen minutes and seventeen seconds, which was how long it took me, so I just grabbed a chili dog with onions and that greenish-yellow relish from 7/11 and went back to my tree stand and watched her sleep but I don't really like it when I have co-workers like that.

that post is so full of win ..

I want to apologize on behalf of popcorn burners everywhere. I could stand at the microwave and count the seconds between pops, but no matter what, the shiatty old microwave would either leave me with 3/4 a bag of unpopped kernels, or burnt. I love snacking on popcorn because an entire bag of SmartPop--the big bag, not the snack sized ones--has a calorie count = or less than a candy bar (regular candy bar, not king size) and it lasts me the whole day. I don't have enough restraint to make a candy bar last all day. So then, I had a 'DUH!' moment, and started popping my popcorn at home before heading out to work. Popped perfectly, and on the very rare occasion, if it was slightly burnt, the smell would air out before I got into the office.

So yeah; if you love the microwavables folks, just do it at home and save face (and noses!) at the office. :D

Heamer: The One-Upsman.

If you had to wake up at 6:00 AM, guess what? He woke up at 5:30.
Remember that seven-pound fish you caught last weekend? Oh, he caught one just like it that was nine pounds.
Your commute took 45 minutes? Well, his took an hour and a half.
The family barbecue had five obnoxious cousins at it? You better believe that his from a month ago had nine.

I f*cking hate that guy. No matter what the topic, the anecdote, or the argument, he always has seen, experienced, or done something that's better, faster, stronger, cooler, more difficult, stranger, etc.

Yep. Or worse (I swear I'm not trying to one-up you), when it's Daddy/Mommy/Brother/Sister who had the experience. So they don't even have the knowledge for themselves.

How about this one: when something happens to them (car accident, health problem, etc.) they chomp at the bit to tell everyone about it. But they run out of the people they are comfortable just bringing it up with and find other ways to bring it out in conversation, "Oh, you went to see that movie this weekend? I couldn't because I was busy calling around getting quotes for some body work I need done on my car. Tee hee hee. Oh, why do I need body work? Well,...."

Want to put them through the wall every time.

If I hear "Is the juice worth the squeeze?", "Grab the low-hanging fruit.", or my coworker sneeze the sneeze that can be heard round the world and that scares the crap out of me every single time because my back is to her, or the Luddites who come ask me how to fix their computer because the IT guy is busy and since I maintain the website, I must know how to fix their hardware problems...

I could go on.

/works in a newsroom. Open plan.
//is stuck next to the main copier where everyone congregates.
///is also stuck seated between the copy desk and the salespeople. Ugh.
////I love what I do, I just hate where I sit.

I can't believe no one has yet mentioned the smokers who get a dozen breaks a day and never, ever miss one. While we alcoholics have to sit at our desk and work away, unable to partake of our drug of choice without breaking the rules. I've lobbied for tequila breaks at my office but no one seems to think it's a good idea.

Heamer: The One-Upsman.

If you had to wake up at 6:00 AM, guess what? He woke up at 5:30.
Remember that seven-pound fish you caught last weekend? Oh, he caught one just like it that was nine pounds.
Your commute took 45 minutes? Well, his took an hour and a half.
The family barbecue had five obnoxious cousins at it? You better believe that his from a month ago had nine.

I f*cking hate that guy. No matter what the topic, the anecdote, or the argument, he always has seen, experienced, or done something that's better, faster, stronger, cooler, more difficult, stranger, etc.

Oh man I hate that guy. A longtime friend of mine did that, which was fine back in high school because everyone in high school is a bullsh**er, but he was still doing it 10 years later. I stopped being his friend because it was so bad. Aggravating beyond words.

TonnageVT: greenapple2step: I have a problem with what I will call" the sh*t house terrorist"
It is common to find massive craps left unflushed and this person also seems to bomb from altitude. I have observed foot prints on the seat.

The artist has taken to finger painting slogans and pictures in poo on the stall walls.

Some are quite good actually,but still quite disturbing.

He actually managed to get some on the celling.

Dude, where the hell do you work???

/Heard two guys conversating in the bathroom earlier today. Just not right, it's my peaceful zone, please don't disturb it.

Reminds me of these two videos on men's room etiquette.
Link (new window)
Link (new window)

They left out The Toenail Clipper...

/seriously
//gross

bigpappy_1526: We have a lady in our office who e-mails everyone a lame "thought for the day" to "cheer everyone up". Things like "when the going gets tough just take things one step at a time" complete with clip art grapics of someone taking a step on the stairs. She's trying to help but everyone is laughing AT her behind her back - mostly because the "thoughts" are mostly targeted towards women - travails of shopping, dieting, good hair/bad hair etc. Not funny or thoughtful

I think I might work with her very religious sister. This woman I work with sends out those sorts of emails and hers usually has some sort of religious reference. I am not a Christian and told her once that I appreciate her thoughtfulness, and told her not to worry about sending any more of the Jesus emails to me since I am Jewishiathought this would take me off her daily email list, which was never actually work related.

She kept sending me stuff. I figured it was not worth going to HR, she never said anything hateful, it was just an annoyance. So I would just delete everything she sent to me. This went on for around a year when one day, she sent me a drawing of Jesus and the subject line read, "I know one day you will find him".

I was annoyed and opened the drawing in paint and added a tallit, kippah, and ear-locks to Jesus before sending it back to her with a thank you.

Twenty minutes later I was called to HR; she had sent my email to them as a complaint.

Oh shiat, I'm a popcorn burner. It never occured to me that that smell would bother anyone. I do it in my office but I bet it escapes into the halls.

Heamer: The Floor-pisser.

Seriously, how hard is it to aim your dick at a urinal? Judging by the splatter-patterns on the floor around the damn thing, you'd think someone was trying to shoot a firehose at a Dixie cup from a half-mile away. Just eyeballing it, I'd say that the top of the urinal in the bathroom is roughly one foot square. More than enough room to drain your proverbial lizard and not leave a steaming mess on the floor. And yet, every day that I go in there to take a whizz, there's piss on the f*cking floor. I don't want to take the next fifty steps back to my desk leaving piss-prints on the linoleum. I just don't get it.

That irratates the crap out of me too. When I go in the stall I have to swab down the entire toilet, seat and all because I guess some idiot held it so long when he finally pissed he couldn't control it, like a loose fire hose or something. How much of a slob do you have to be to not only piss all over the toilet, not even raise the seat, and then walk away from it like that's okay? Do they do this at home? I'm not the neatest guy in the world but jesus!

I worked in a brewery and with all the 12-hour shifts, we were filled with those chain smoker types. Production stalls for a minute? Go outside lit a cig. even if it was for like barely half a minute.

and apparently there was somebody who kept stealing lunches. but I always kept mine in my locker.

dahmers love zombie: [rant]

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

EsteeFlwrPot 2008-06-22 06:54:52 PM

I think the #1 most annoying coworker is the one that has a thing for you and makes it so farking obvious. He never leaves you alone, always tries to trap you in conversation when you're obviously busy working, wont stop asking you out to lunch when you've told him no several times and makes you feel overall very uncomfortable. I'm glad I dont work with him directly because if I did I would have quit by now.

Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

DaCaptain19: Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

Shove it. This thread is about annoying work shiat and I posted some annoying work shiat. If you dont like it, shove your face a little farther up your ass so you wont be able to look at my posts. Asshat.

EsteeFlwrPot 2008-06-23 02:00:53 PM

DaCaptain19: Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

Shove it. This thread is about annoying work shiat and I posted some annoying work shiat. If you dont like it, shove your face a little farther up your ass so you wont be able to look at my posts. Asshat.

I think I'm feeling sorry for your co-worker.

DaCaptain19: I think I'm feeling sorry for your co-worker.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

My favorite is the woman who does nothing, but makes twice what I do (even tho I'm in a higher position), and no one wants to fire her because if they do, she'll file a sexual harassment lawsuit (she's actively seeking this so she can retire).

TonnageVT: What about the people who use proverbs all the time? Or stupid sayings like "well, we've gotta break a few eggs to make omelettes". Ugh, I can't stand them.

/IT guy for investment bankers
//Some of the biggest douchenozzles you'll ever have the displeasure of knowing.

At first I read that as "gotta break a few legs to make omelettes". Oddly my brain ran with that thought for a couple beats -- I concluded that means they're #6 Taking their breakfast stuff wayyyy too seriously.

/apparently I need to get back to work
//not a mafioso
///but I got this uncle..see...
//one-up
/slashies for Jesus

EsteeFlwrPot: DaCaptain19: Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

Shove it. This thread is about annoying work shiat and I posted some annoying work shiat. If you dont like it, shove your face a little farther up your ass so you wont be able to look at my posts. Asshat.

I agree with you. And I hope it's because I actually agree with you, and not because I checked your profile and you're hot.

God it's confusing being male sometimes.

WoWgirl: 3. The PTO-ers - I swear, every week I'm stuck covering for someone else because little "Johnny/Susie/whatever has had something come up and I need to take a day of leave."

See, now I now you're just making shiat up. "Johnny"? "Susie"? Puh-leese. If you actually /had/ a job, you'd know it's Tyler and Madison these days.

Nescio quid dicas: My favorite is the woman who does nothing, but makes twice what I do (even tho I'm in a higher position), and no one wants to fire her because if they do, she'll file a sexual harassment lawsuit (she's actively seeking this so she can retire).

See that's farked up. I dont like ruining anyones records or getting lawyers involved or anything like that. That's why if it ever got to that point at my job i'd rather leave than get all involved in that type of mess.

EsteeFlwrPot: Nescio quid dicas: My favorite is the woman who does nothing, but makes twice what I do (even tho I'm in a higher position), and no one wants to fire her because if they do, she'll file a sexual harassment lawsuit (she's actively seeking this so she can retire).

See that's farked up. I dont like ruining anyones records or getting lawyers involved or anything like that. That's why if it ever got to that point at my job i'd rather leave than get all involved in that type of mess.

I think that "sexual harassment" gets thrown around these days. I'd think that originally it was meant to be a guard against "Either you sleep with me or you're fired / not hired" but now it's "I think he looked at my ass. Did he? He looked in this direction for a second and I think I caught him looking downard. I think. He did, right? Sexual harrassment!"

Even if a guy (or girl) does make a comment that can be construed as lewd, you're a grown up, deal with it. Why tattle to the boss like you're in 5th grade?

EsteeFlwrPot: See that's farked up. I dont like ruining anyones records or getting lawyers involved or anything like that. That's why if it ever got to that point at my job i'd rather leave than get all involved in that type of mess.

They even gave her a raise recently. All she does is play mahjong and solitaire all day, and everyone knows she's useless. I wish her boss would grow a pair and get rid of her.

/I would, she works for a different company, so I can't.

Fact Man:Even if a guy (or girl) does make a comment that can be construed as lewd, you're a grown up, deal with it. Why tattle to the boss like you're in 5th grade?

Well that's easy: money. Lawsuits can be lucrative, even if the "harassment" is only a pretext for a legal fishing expedition.

Nescio quid dicas: They even gave her a raise recently. All she does is play mahjong and solitaire all day, and everyone knows she's useless. I wish her boss would grow a pair and get rid of her.

/I would, she works for a different company, so I can't.

Can't they just tell her shes not doing shiat and fire her because of that? Just make sure everything is well documented just in case.

Fact Man: I think that "sexual harassment" gets thrown around these days. I'd think that originally it was meant to be a guard against "Either you sleep with me or you're fired / not hired" but now it's "I think he looked at my ass. Did he? He looked in this direction for a second and I think I caught him looking downard. I think. He did, right? Sexual harrassment!"

Even if a guy (or girl) does make a comment that can be construed as lewd, you're a grown up, deal with it. Why tattle to the boss like you're in 5th grade?

I agree.

bel4sucks: Fact Man: Hal Jalykakik: 97) The Non-handwasher
I'm talking about the guy who NEVER washes his hands after using the bathroom. He does his business, zips up and leaves the washroom without even getting his hands wet.

/ uses the handicapped door-opening button to avoid touching the washroom door handle at work.

Oh, don't get me started on bathroom etiquette. How about the guys who walk in and sit in a stall and start a full-volume tuba symphony? At least courtesy flush to mask the sound or something.

See, now this is an example of an oversensitive person. You're biatching about someone farting in a bathroom. That kinda shiat happens in bathrooms. Be glad it's not going off next to your desk.

THIS
Bathroom sounds are for the bathroom!

EsteeFlwrPot: Can't they just tell her shes not doing shiat and fire her because of that? Just make sure everything is well documented just in case.

They can, but they don't. Its apparently next to impossible to fire someone in Boeing. So, if you can get a job there, its pretty secure, lol.

Nescio quid dicas: They can, but they don't. Its apparently next to impossible to fire someone in Boeing. So, if you can get a job there, its pretty secure, lol.

Interesting....

Are they looking for Account Coordinators?

Nescio quid dicas: EsteeFlwrPot: Can't they just tell her shes not doing shiat and fire her because of that? Just make sure everything is well documented just in case.

They can, but they don't. Its apparently next to impossible to fire someone in Boeing. So, if you can get a job there, its pretty secure, lol.

Where is Boeing now?

EsteeFlwrPot: Are they looking for Account Coordinators?
TonnageVT: Do they need any Network/System Engineers?
Fact Man: Where is Boeing now?

have no idea. And tHaha, I don't work for them. This is High Desert Boeing (Palmdale, CA) and Long Beach, CA Boeing that I'm referring to.

PlNG
8 - The Attention whore: They deal/interact with everyone, and set themselves up so that everything goes through them whenever possible. When they get a good compliment, lets everyone know. Give them special treatment or they become #11. Extremely difficult to dislodge. Typically gunning for a job there.

So, does anybody know ways to deal with a #8 while maintaining job security? I used to be able to manipulate #8 into looking bad until #8 stopped coming before I came on duty.

I have someone like that and she somewhat officially is allowed to. I just wait until they are drowning in emails and then say "oh can I send so-in-so this or that? I know I should send it via you but I know how busy you are"

Then they say yes and I send it and make it look really good and copy her in. Of course all the one liner emails go by her.. wouldn't want to cut her out of the process. Normally she ends up getting to busy and sends up back to me saying "fine, you do it".

Oh and the person I have a problem with is the person who can play about for ten minites whispering and flirting with someone in the corner disturbing everyone but then when you do something like answer a personal call at your desk as you are reviewing paperwork will have a go at you.... you are actually still working and distracting the rest of the office less than the whispers they are making (which have nothing to do with work) and mean every one is trying to work out what they are talking about. Gah

Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays

/obvious

I have already experienced so many things today that were mentioned in this thread!! some I did not notice until after reading this thread!!! DAMMIT!!

EsteeFlwrPot: I think the #1 most annoying coworker is the one that has a thing for you and makes it so farking obvious. He never leaves you alone, always tries to trap you in conversation when you're obviously busy working, wont stop asking you out to lunch when you've told him no several times and makes you feel overall very uncomfortable. I'm glad I dont work with him directly because if I did I would have quit by now.

I don't know. Maybe "woman up" and let him know without reservation that you aren't interested.

Not that I care anymore but I usually find when a woman tells a guy she isn't interested she either does it so soft he (and everyone else listening) doesn't get the message.

A lot of times I think women are trying to play it safe and not burn any bridges with the guy in case she has a dry spell and needs a date.

Just let him know you aren't interested, will never be interested and we just need to be work colleagues. None of this "Let's be friends" bullshiate.

The other side there is no need to be unbelievable cruel.

Gimli_Gloin: I don't know. Maybe "woman up" and let him know without reservation that you aren't interested.

Not that I care anymore but I usually find when a woman tells a guy she isn't interested she either does it so soft he (and everyone else listening) doesn't get the message.

A lot of times I think women are trying to play it safe and not burn any bridges with the guy in case she has a dry spell and needs a date.

Just let him know you aren't interested, will never be interested and we just need to be work colleagues. None of this "Let's be friends" bullshiate.

The other side there is no need to be unbelievable cruel.

Noo i'm never cruel in those situations because i've been rejected a ton of times and I know it sucks. I guess I might be a little too soft but I dont want to have an awkward situation with a coworker. I dont want to hurt his feelings or embarass him. I do get pissed off sometimes but I don't really show it, I just vent about it on here. :)

The guy who thinks a one-time favor institutes a new set of rules.

I cut through the red tape, let a guy jump the line in front of people whose problems were already in the pipeline and fixed his sh.t on the fly. There was bone fide deadline issues and I didn't want him to get in trouble. I even made it clear this was an exception and spent the requisite time afterwards making sure all the formalities were taken care of after the fact. A nice thing to do, right? I deeply regret it.

Every time since then, when he's had a request, or problem, or question, he has contacted me directly and expected things to be fixed on the fly. Apparently, he's above the plebs who have to go through channels. He has an inside buddy, see? He'll even forward other people's requests, because he can fix them up with this guy who can work wonders. (I can. Sometimes.)

And every time, he acts hurt and surprised (and lately, annoyed to the point of anger) that because I bent the rules once, I'm not willing to do so again. Piss of, jerk. I'm busy doing stuff for people who went through channels, so don't expect me to clear decks because you couldn't be bothered.

DaCaptain19: EsteeFlwrPot 2008-06-23 02:00:53 PM

DaCaptain19: Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

Shove it. This thread is about annoying work shiat and I posted some annoying work shiat. If you dont like it, shove your face a little farther up your ass so you wont be able to look at my posts. Asshat.

I think I'm feeling sorry for your co-worker.

Just put her on ignore - it made my life much better once I didn't have to deal with her AW.

Tsukue: Just put her on ignore - it made my life much better once I didn't have to deal with her AW.

You're missing the line between being opinionated and AWing.

Tsukue: DaCaptain19: EsteeFlwrPot 2008-06-23 02:00:53 PM

DaCaptain19: Somebody's proud of herself! Look, not to sound mean, but if it's the case that the behavior is so eggregious that you'd actually quit if you reported to this person? Well, then, it's still harrassment - direct report or not. In that case, make the written complaint or, frankly, STFU. Seriously.

Shove it. This thread is about annoying work shiat and I posted some annoying work shiat. If you dont like it, shove your face a little farther up your ass so you wont be able to look at my posts. Asshat.

I think I'm feeling sorry for your co-worker.

Just put her on ignore - it made my life much better once I didn't have to deal with her AW.

I don't see why that's an "ignorable" offence. How is being annoyed by a guy hitting on you any less valid than being annoyed by somebody clipping their nails in the cube next to you? It's probably more annoying, because you're staring him in the face and can't just put on headphones or something to make it go away.

Fact Man:
I don't see why that's an "ignorable" offence.

I meant offense*. I swear sometimes the British Farkers' posts seep into my vocabulary without me knowing.

Paedophile_Deluxe: Much worse than any of these is the overly chatty douchebag who has no clue how loud his or her voice is. Shut. The. F*ck. Up.

I have one who is the bane of my existence. His voice has two settings: booming buffoon and yammering moron. He never shuts up. He will tell you a story about a business trip and include every detail of which gate he had at which airport, every conversation with every flight attendant, the minutia of every one of his meals and the contents of the seat pocket of the cab he took to the hotel. He tells all these these stories with intermittent guffaws in an effort to get you to smile along with him and share in his humorous anecdotes. If you don't smile along with him, the story just gets longer and more detailed.

We have a door that leads to the breakroom and a regular scene is a hapless employee with their hand on the doorknob, trying desperately to escape, but forced to stand and smile and nod their heads while STFU-boy goes on and on and on about the quality of fruit at the local market and his interpretation of national politics.

I have shut his ass down. His yammering no longer works with me. I just walk away. I don't stand at the door while he finishes his 25-minute homily on humorous dog names. I just walk off. He hates me now. Good.

bikerdiva: I used to work with a guy who fought with his wife on the phone - LOUDLY - several times a day. That is really awkward in cube city.

If it's the company phone line just break into their call and start offering your opinions/advice. If he's on his cell have you and the other cube dwellers call him on his office line w/mundane questions. Sooner or later he'll figure it out.

/Have you seen my stapler?