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(   New cows make knives obsolete   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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165 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Nov 2002 at 8:52 AM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

38 Comments     (+0 »)
2002-11-29 03:53:12 AM  
because we all know that cows are the only use anyone has for a knife
2002-11-29 05:32:05 AM  
New cows make knives obsolete

Before I read the article the tagline made me wonder how a cow could replace a knife. I had images of gang members having cow fights. Is Roman Polanski going to make a film called "Cow in the Water". Will "like a cow through butter", "trust him to bring a cow to a gunfight", "a cow in the back" and "going under the cow" become common phrases?
2002-11-29 08:56:01 AM  
This is good, now we can be even lazier.
2002-11-29 09:00:27 AM  
Yr right on there mate. Giving cows tenderness genes would only turn them into field dwelling hippies with nothing better to do than stand in fields thinking things like "Wow - this grass is fantastic man!", and "Why don't u go on top tonite baby?".
2002-11-29 09:02:40 AM  
MMMMM beefy
2002-11-29 09:03:11 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size

Leave my red meat alone.
2002-11-29 09:03:34 AM  
In other news, Knives are needed even more, to operate on the hundreds of thousands dying from heart disease from eating beef in the first place.

And Fark Genetically engineered food too.
2002-11-29 09:04:33 AM  
Great! This frees up my right hand while enjoying my beef .... hey ... waitaminute ......
2002-11-29 09:06:55 AM  
Netcub:- It's not genetically engineered. The DNA is tested to find out the tenderest cows, and then these are used to breed. No genes are tampered with.
2002-11-29 09:15:56 AM  
Does this mean I can eat steak with a spork?
2002-11-29 09:16:07 AM  
It's only a matter of time before Gary Larson's prediction comes true.
[image from too old to be available]
2002-11-29 09:18:59 AM  
I've been using a chainsaw to cut my cows and have never looked back
2002-11-29 09:19:08 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-11-29 09:20:59 AM  
Boneless Cows=Groundbeef
2002-11-29 09:21:47 AM  
It's Spam's new marketing technique.
2002-11-29 09:32:12 AM  
mmmmmm, meat.

Nice !
2002-11-29 09:36:53 AM  
"Walk it to the table baby!" Yum!
2002-11-29 09:48:40 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-11-29 09:53:01 AM  
uh oh...
2002-11-29 10:20:00 AM  
2002-11-29 11:01:22 AM  
Shiat. Now when I go cowtipping, the cow will just fall apart when it hits the ground.

Hey wait... that could be kinda cool!
2002-11-29 11:09:33 AM  
New cows make knives obsolete

What will O.J. do?
2002-11-29 11:11:54 AM  
I'm sure you still need to cut the meat somehow. How tender is it? Surely you don't just eat it with a spoon?
2002-11-29 11:15:41 AM  
"Research showed tenderness was more important to meat eaters than juiciness and flavour factors, he said."

Fark that! Glad I'm not in .au
Me likey juiciness and flavour!
2002-11-29 11:18:12 AM  
So chunky you could eat it with a fork, but you'll want to use a spoon to get every last drop of beefy goodness.

[/Campbell's Chunky soup commercial]
2002-11-29 11:44:58 AM  
not endorsed by the PETA
2002-11-29 01:35:02 PM  
"The improvement made possible by using this technology is predicted to more than halve the number of carcasses rated unacceptably tough by consumers."

I'd rather eat meat than a carcass.
Presentation is everything.
2002-11-29 02:19:36 PM  
Looks like we've struck the "delicious" gene!

*tooth sparkles*
2002-11-29 02:41:49 PM  
So it's sort of the opposite of the gene that gives the sheep really tough and muscular buttocks? Maybe you could splice the cow gene into the sheep to ensure they won't get this gene and will remain commercially viable...

And LONG LIVE GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOOD! As long as it's noted on the packaging what comes from where so people with allergies to random things won't get screwed (i.e. as long as there's truth in labeling), I'll take a little beef with my mutton any day.

-- 2DS
2002-11-29 02:56:02 PM  
Anyone remember the bit in one of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker books about the cow who walks up, introduces himself, and offers bits of himself for dinner? That's what I'm waiting for. That's service!
2002-11-29 03:08:20 PM  
Here it is. From "The Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy":

A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.

"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body?" It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters into a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them.

Its gaze was met by looks of startled bewilderment from Arthur and Trillian, a resigned shrug from Ford Prefect and naked hunger from Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"Something off the shoulder perhaps?" suggested the animal, "Braised in a white wine sauce?"

"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.

"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody else's is mine to offer."

Zaphod leapt to his feet and started prodding and feeling the animal's shoulder appreciatively.

"Or the rump is very good," murmured the animal. "I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there." It gave a mellow grunt, gurgled again and started to chew the cud. It swallowed the cud again.

"Or a casserole of me perhaps?" it added.

"You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?" whispered Trillian to Ford.

"Me?" said Ford, with a glazed look in his eyes, "I don't mean anything."

"That's absolutely horrible," exclaimed Arthur, "the most revolting thing I've ever heard."

"What's the problem Earthman?" said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal's enormous rump.

"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing here inviting me to," said Arthur, "it's heartless."

"Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten," said Zaphod.

"That's not the point," Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. "Alright," he said, "maybe it is the point. I don't care, I'm not going to think about it now. I'll just... er..."

The Universe raged about him in its death throes. "I think I'll just have a green salad," he muttered.

"May I urge you to consider my liver?" asked the animal, "it must be very rich and tender by now, I've been force-feeding myself for months."

"A green salad," said Arthur emphatically.

"A green salad?" said the animal, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at Arthur.

"Are you going to tell me," said Arthur, "that I shouldn't have green salad?"

"Well," said the animal, "I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am."

It managed a very slight bow.

"Glass of water please," said Arthur.

"Look," said Zaphod, "we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues. Four rare steaks please, and hurry. We haven't eaten in five hundred and seventy-six thousand million years."

The animal staggered to its feet. It gave a mellow gurgle. "A very wise choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good," it said, "I'll just nip off and shoot myself."

He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur.

"Don't worry, sir," he said, "I'll be very humane."

It waddled unhurriedly off into the kitchen.
2002-11-29 04:14:08 PM  
Xane: LOL! That miniseries is dumb-funny. Great pic, tho.


"da da da"
2002-11-29 04:55:26 PM  
You mean to tell me that Xane's post is from the HHG TV show? He beat me to the reference by a good 5 hours and I didn't even get it??? AAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!

[Hangs head in shame...]
2002-11-29 05:04:52 PM  
That's ok, Inaditch. I was about to make the reference if no one else had. So I'm even more late than you.
2002-11-29 07:45:24 PM  
when are they gonna find the big cack gene? sign me up when the do!
2002-11-29 09:17:17 PM  
Natural flavor is officially obsolete -- in maybe five years. Do a Google for "umami" if you haven't already heard about it. (That news is about seven or eight years old.)

Meanwhile . . . bah. Lazy scientists, I say. Best cuts of meat I ever ate in my life, by a good margin, were electrically-tenderized buffalo I had in Colorado (I'm pretty sure it was Colorado) almost twenty years ago. You can do as well with hydroshock tenderization, but it's more expensive.

That buffalo -- which I had as steaks and burgers -- was better than $50 a serving steak I've had, or any other steak, cutlet, you name it. By a hell of a margin, in most cases. Meanwhile, it cost about as much as pot roast, was extremely low in bad fats, and was very high in Omega-3's (because it was grass-fed, although they didn't know that back then). Better for you than salmon.

Plus, the buffalo (well, bison, technically, but . . . ) are easier and cheaper to raise, don't need potentially dangerous growth supplements, are resistant to BSE-like prion diseases (like Mad Cow), are less of an environmental problem and hassle (they graze better and aren't bothered by prairie dogs, frex), produce useful wool . . . .

Market resistance is a biatch. Get over it, people! I want my damned buffalo. Where I live now, there isn't much of a market for it, and that drives up its price. Plus, you can't seem to get the electrically-tenderized stuff here.

And that sucks. Meanwhile, pass me the wheatloaf with added umami -- it'll be better steak than you can get from tender-bred cows.
2002-11-30 02:24:06 AM  
Every place around here sells "Beefalo" burgers. 2/3 buffalo, 1/3 beef. And it seems to be doing fine.
2002-11-30 02:49:29 AM  
yummm i'm sold! when sunup comes i should be just about drunk enough to get in my truck and drive to the supermarket and get me some buffalo steaks. they actually have it there, frozen. then i'm gonna pass out till sunday.
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