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(Holy Taco)   Ten items that you think make you look cool but really don't. Bluetooth headsets suspiciously ab- oh wait, there it is at #8   (holytaco.com ) divider line
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58946 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 May 2008 at 7:40 PM (8 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-05-15 06:17:04 PM  
I'm sorry but the theme songs for Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Denver: The Last Dinosaur are awesome and perfectly acceptable cell phone ringtones and I will not be dissuaded from that opinion.
 
2008-05-15 06:18:23 PM  
More like a douchebag checklist...

/guilty of #10 tho
//hangs head in shame, checks stocks and weather
 
2008-05-15 06:19:53 PM  
People thought bluetooth headsets looked cool? I use them because they are handy, but damn if I don't take it out when the call ends.
 
2008-05-15 06:21:34 PM  
Recap? Work has this site blocked for some reason.
 
2008-05-15 06:23:21 PM  
I'm not schizophrenic, I'm trendy
 
2008-05-15 06:26:43 PM  
That guy's a dumbass. I only use my iPhone at home and I'm hella cool there! Too cool for school, even!
 
2008-05-15 06:36:48 PM  
cousin-merle: Recap?

Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We're not saying we're cool, we're just saying if you own any of these items, you're not.

10. iPhone

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so f*&king boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I've done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means "something that's not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it." This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they're not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from "An Inconvenient Truth" in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.

9.Ironic Belt Buckles

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a "Rodeo Champion" or a "Pac Man" or a "Truck Driver" or a "Jack Daniels." And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you're being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You're the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shiatty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.

8. Blue Tooth Headset

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they're only driving the speed limit. It's Tuesday, doesn't this asshole know you have your jujitsu class at 24 hour fitness to go to?

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I don't give a shiat if you're talking to someone on the other end, when you're in a Subway Sandwiches and they're trying to take your order while you say "Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Johnson account by tomorrow or it's your ass. No mayo. I said no Mayo! Yeah, that's right, Johnson account on my desk! No pepperoncinis!" it's pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.

7. Quoting Austin Powers/Borat/Old School

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Put on your earmuffs because that woman has a vageen that hangs like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, baby! Those movies are HILARIOUS, thus if you can quote them, by default you're hilarious too!

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: We all enjoy quoting our favorite movies, but let's put these three to bed. Not only did I have every last bit of dialogue to the Borat movie screamed in my face three months before it came out, but let's face it, Austin Powers wasn't funny 10 years ago. And I still have to hear people telling me that "circus folk smell vaguely of cabbage." On top of it, everyone murders the accents. Whenever I hear some asshole in a bar trying doing his version of Borat, somehow he sounds like a tongueless Canadian with a sock in his mouth. This has to stop or I am going to skip the earmuffs and go directly to cutting my ears off.

6. PT Cruiser

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: It's like a car from back in the thirties! It's sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot at the Dave Matthews concert know that you're a free spirit who is all about having good times!

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: If you've ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.

5. Tricked Out Bicycles

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: I honestly have no idea.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 8th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly-bent handlebars and wacky forks, your "cruiser" looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laid back and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could've gotten a friggin' car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.

4. Fidel Castro Hats

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let's the world know that you're different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camoflauged coloring make you look like a retarded son of a army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father's closet. I realize you want to tell the world you're a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you're conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one's heard of that you're pretending to like.

3. Guitar Hero

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you're playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn't even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK'" but actually mean "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK' on Guitar Hero," I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.

2. Longboard Skateboards

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You're just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets and board walks but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You're basically one step away from being the little kid at Costco who jumps on the big grocery cart when his mother isn't looking. Whereas if a normal skateboarder falls he injures himself, you're traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you'll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you're basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It'd be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.

1. Funny Ringtones

WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You're pretty sure that having a silly quote from Monty Python or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.

WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it "ring" 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.
 
2008-05-15 06:41:18 PM  
Cellar-dwellers are funny.

\jealous much?
\\posted from an iPhone.
 
2008-05-15 06:47:49 PM  
I'm going to make sure to use/do all of these things once a week to repel the sad, insecure people who actually care about this stuff.
 
2008-05-15 06:50:55 PM  
I really don't have or do any of the things on that list (by law will need Bluetooth for the car in July, have played Guitar Hero and enjoyed it), but, seriously, whoever wrote that probably used to get beat up. A lot even.
 
2008-05-15 06:59:55 PM  
I play and enjoy Rock Band/Guitar Hero and have never once confused my enjoying a video game with any sort of musical talent whatsoever.
 
2008-05-15 07:04:30 PM  
Solid State Vittles: whoever wrote that probably used to get beat up. A lot even.

And rightly so.
 
2008-05-15 07:06:44 PM  
You know what makes me so cool? I don't give a shiat about your list of "uncool" items. I'll make the choices I wanna make and not worry about how I look to you.
 
2008-05-15 07:13:42 PM  
Watchman: You know what makes me so cool? I don't give a shiat about your list of "uncool" items. I'll make the choices I wanna make and not worry about how I look to you.

Bluetool spotted.
 
2008-05-15 07:15:45 PM  
I participate in two of those things--I have an iPhone, and I have a Bluetooth headset for it (which I only use in the car). However, in no way do I think they make me look "cool," and that's not why I use them.

I use them because they're functional--I like the iPhone for the obvious reasons and don't give a shiat what anybody else thinks about it. Though I would prefer to not use the bluetooth headset, at the end of next month my state will legally require using a hands-free device when using the cell phone in the car, and that's the most efficient one--you might just as well think I put on my seatbelt because I think it makes me look cool.
 
2008-05-15 07:25:52 PM  
2 things about longboards:
1) farkers are actually really fast.
2) As someone who used to skate I can attest to the fact that long boards are hella gay. Hella.

And what the hell is this guy talking about trendy "ironic" bullshiat when the site is called "holy taco". I think thats a big 'shove this list up your ass' from me there, good buddy.
 
2008-05-15 07:26:29 PM  
I still love the website that asks people to donate their old broken bluetooth headsets so they can give them to crazy homeless people to wear so that when they walk down the street talking to themselves it looks like they're having a cell phone conversation.

/run on sentence.
 
2008-05-15 07:46:54 PM  
I agree with every item on that list.
 
2008-05-15 07:47:43 PM  
i216.photobucket.com
 
2008-05-15 07:48:21 PM  
This link:

Exactly the opposite of funny.

Nearly the opposite of original.

An exact duplicate of dated.
 
2008-05-15 07:48:25 PM  
It's not news, it's digg.com
 
2008-05-15 07:49:13 PM  
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2008-05-15 07:49:24 PM  
Great Metal Jesus: I play and enjoy Rock Band/Guitar Hero and have never once confused my enjoying a video game with any sort of musical talent whatsoever.

THIS.

I enjoyed Baldur's Gate II and Neverwinter Nights. I don't have a bunch of douchebags reminding me that OMG, U KNOW U CAN'T REALLY SNEAK UP ON A HALF-DEMON SORCERER AND BACK-STAB HIM IN REAL LIFE, RIGHT??? so why do assholes tell me this shiat about Guitar Hero or Rock Band?

/I also suck at most FPS games, but I'm a pretty good machine-gunner in real life.
 
2008-05-15 07:50:20 PM  
Bluetooth headsets: Wear them in your car. Handsfree when using a cell phone. It's the law. But take it the hell off when you leave the vehicle.

/ has one
// the only time it leaves the car is when it needs a recharge
 
2008-05-15 07:50:31 PM  
CyberludditeI use them because they're functional--I like the iPhone for the obvious reasons and don't give a shiat what anybody else thinks about it. Though I would prefer to not use the bluetooth headset, at the end of next month my state will legally require using a hands-free device when using the cell phone in the car, and that's the most efficient one--you might just as well think I put on my seatbelt because I think it makes me look cool.

Anything else before the Excuse Train leaves the station?
 
2008-05-15 07:50:42 PM  
I never understood why people who aren't even busy use headsets for their cellphones. If you can put your hands in your pockets you don't need a headset.
 
2008-05-15 07:51:29 PM  
11. My penis

At least, that's the impression I got from the police
 
2008-05-15 07:51:47 PM  
I don't understand the pic in #8. Obviously the guy's speaking with someone else - why is the woman smiling? I'd be pissed if I were her.

#4 applies to any hat ever. I'm surprised baseball caps are missing.
 
2008-05-15 07:52:39 PM  
Take the time to read the comments to the article. It is just like being here....but less sophisticated.
 
2008-05-15 07:52:40 PM  
Kyosuke: Cellar-dwellers are funny.

\jealous much?
\\posted from an iPhone.


This is pretty much my favorite part of the iphone smugness. No matter what you do, you must mention you did it with an iphone. No need for apple to pay for advertising or anything.
 
2008-05-15 07:52:56 PM  
Needs more iPhone.
 
2008-05-15 07:54:23 PM  
it's awesome that the guy in the iPhone picture is holding it upside-down.
 
2008-05-15 07:55:01 PM  
11. Lists
 
2008-05-15 07:55:10 PM  
Came here to read lame excuses from people who engage in the listed activities.

/leaves feeling satisfied.
 
2008-05-15 07:55:39 PM  
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: If you've ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.


HOT BOT
cache.gizmodo.com
GAY BOT
media.techeblog.com

 
2008-05-15 07:56:04 PM  
Bluetooth headsets do have a habit of making people look like they're talking to themselves, but frankly if people get things with the intention of "looking cool" in the eyes of others then it seems like even when you get out of High School you're still in it.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
 
2008-05-15 07:56:31 PM  
Well, this June in CA it will be illegal to talk on a cellphone while driving without a hands-free device. I will use a bluetooth earpiece while driving. I sure hope the writer of this article will not think poorly of me.

Also, for the record, I think the one about Castro hats was "borrowed" from Maddox: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion (pops)
 
2008-05-15 07:56:47 PM  
I use my Bluetooth because it's functional, especially when driving and trying to shift gears. I also got used to using it around the house because I can do other things, like fold laundry or whatever while on the phone. But I hate the way it looks and never even walk into the gas station with it.

/driving a stick - now that makes me cool, right?
 
2008-05-15 07:57:19 PM  
Missing from list... TotalFark.

/ducks
 
2008-05-15 07:57:29 PM  
Whamdangler: I use them because they are handy, but damn if I don't take it out when the call ends.

That's the only thing that makes bluetooth headsets idiotic: the ordinary slobs that leave their borg implant crammed in their brain hole when they AREN'T EVEN USING IT.

As though they expect to have to tell someone whether to cut the red or the blue wire with only 6 seconds left on the LED countdown clock, and precious ticks wasted while getting their phone toy from their pocket to their ear will doom the whole city.
 
2008-05-15 07:57:35 PM  
foil helmet guy: 11. Lists

12. Lists with each number on a separate page, aka the slide show.
 
2008-05-15 07:58:03 PM  
Bluetooth headset haters? I see no one here tries to conduct phone business or pleasure while holding an eight-month old child down to change her diaper or throw dirty baby laundry in the washer while she's in the sling. When YOU figure out a way to grow another two to four arms, Mr. Vishnu, then let me know. Until then, STFU and GBTW. Mine's not only functional, but necessary.

Mine is on ALL the time, unless I'm teaching class. It's another tool in the arsenal of the parentally-involved father.
 
2008-05-15 07:58:13 PM  
How did this not make the list?

images.art.com
 
2008-05-15 07:58:16 PM  
img145.imageshack.us

Stoner Jimmy doesn't have any farking idea what you people are talking about.
 
2008-05-15 07:58:32 PM  
Sgt Otter: /I also suck at most FPS games, but I'm a pretty good machine-gunner in real life.

Oh ya! Well I'm a ninja.
 
2008-05-15 07:58:42 PM  
11. Condoms.

Ooh, look at me, I'm having sex and care whether or not I get an STD, la la!!

Farking idiots.
 
2008-05-15 07:58:44 PM  
Wanna impress me?

Step off your skateboard, out that phone down, take that farking, silly-ass hat off and pick up a shovel and help clean up this mess.
 
2008-05-15 07:59:28 PM  
forgot tattoos, body piercings and stupid gigantic earrings

all three at once
is so fuhking desperate

it's funny
 
2008-05-15 07:59:30 PM  
I wear my bluetooth cause I'm a businessman.

/Actually...
//I'm a business, maaan!
 
2008-05-15 07:59:37 PM  
Wow, if friggin PT Cruisers and Guitar Hero are pissing you off that much, maybe the problem lies somewhere with you?

And while the bike pictured isn't terribly impressive, I will (almost) never talk shiat about something even vaguely cool/interesting/whatever that someone was able to build themselves.
 
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