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(Chicago Breaking News)   New system at airport funnels passengers into three aisles: green for beginners, blue for intermediate travelers and black for advanced passengers   (chicagotribune.com) divider line 291
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12060 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 May 2008 at 1:01 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-05-08 01:44:58 PM
Millennium: This is an interesting concept. The implementation could use a little work. Here's how I'd do it.

GREEN CIRCLE: Special needs. Children under 10, people requiring assistance from other people or devices, and anyone traveling with someone who qualifies for this line.

BLUE SQUARE: Self-identified "casual travelers," as the article.

BLACK DIAMOND: Self-identified "expert travelers," as the article.

TWO BLACK DIAMONDS: Certified "expert" travelers. Certification requires completing a written test, not unlike a drivers' license exam, where you must demonstrate basic knowledge of airport security techniques and etiquette: enough to get through the checkpoint quickly.

Green trumps double-black: for example, if a certified traveler has a broken leg and needs to use crutches, the traveler has to go to the green line.

As people enter the lines, and again at the halfway mark, a "sorting officer" is stationed. The main purpose of this officer is to check for people with young children and assistive technologies (to funnel them to the green line) and ensure that anyone going into the double-black line can present their certification. The second officer is there to double-check; everyone, including the first officer, can be expected to miss someone from time to time.


I would go even further. For a smallish fee, say, $500 particular people can register, get a biometric scan of finger prints, retinas, and hand bone density. They are allowed to skip the line and xrays after proving their identity. This option would be solely availible to low-risk groups -- say elderly, or people with fake hips, etc. They also have to be in good legal standing, veteran travelers, etc.

Bruce Williams brought this up.
 
2008-05-08 01:45:01 PM
MugzyBrown: nirwana: Yer thinking Public Enemy.

Still was a good joke!

/damn it


Well, I got it.

+1 effort
 
2008-05-08 01:45:34 PM
miracledirt

The you are not doing it right

loser
 
2008-05-08 01:45:36 PM
nirwana: MugzyBrown: TMBGfreak: Fly NWA almost exclusively.

9/11's a joke?

Yer thinking Public Enemy.


They are all the enemy. And untill you learn to fly high-class you will never understand.
 
2008-05-08 01:45:45 PM
MugzyBrown: nirwana: Yer thinking Public Enemy.

Still was a good joke!

/damn it


I did think it was quite clever, if inaccurate.
 
2008-05-08 01:46:35 PM
fredklein: New Moon Rabbit: My dad and one of my sisters live in Seattle. I live in Houston.

I'm so tired of flying that I went online to check out taking Amtrack from Houston to Seattle.

The only route I found was Houston to Los Angeles, then Los Angeles to Seattle.

The trip would take a week one way.


I call BS.

Houston to LA: 38h 20m
LA to Bakersfield: 2h 45m
Bakersfield to Sacremento: 5h 15m
Sacremento to Seatlle: 20h 46m

Total: 67hours, 6 minutes. Less than 3 days. Which is less than HALF a week.

/Still too damn long.


Wow, thanks for calling BS. I had checked it last year about this time and what I listed is the only thing I found.

I could handle less than three days there and same back.

Thanks for checking that out!
 
2008-05-08 01:46:42 PM
idrow: What color is the line for terrorists? That would make identifying them so much easier.

That's what I was thinking when I read their "easier to identify terrorist and criminals." Just throw a burning plane sign up or something and you can trick all those pesky terrorists and high jackers right out of the line.

twoody: All that happens, is mom and her 12 rowdy kids, who should be in the green line, end up looking at the "experienced" line and go there because it's shorter, thereby completely eliminating any benefits of that line.

For the same reason why they choose the extra security line that includes the air puffing chamber and a complementary bag search. That line is short for a reason people!
 
2008-05-08 01:46:48 PM
Thorny4Pie: God help if the person in front reclines.

Another thing that should be banned in planes.

Seriously, everyone is already packed in like sardines, its just rude to the person behind you.

Perducci: The other problem is that everybody has different interpretations. Using the ski resort analogy: if you're a snowboarder, wide and steep runs are easy, but if you're a beginner skier, you definitely want less steep runs.

You're thinking about this way too much.
 
2008-05-08 01:46:58 PM
Crazymuthafarker:

Did we really just have a simulpost about rectal exams? I'm not sure how I feel about this...
 
2008-05-08 01:47:19 PM
wax_on: My first genuine laugh all day... Thanks mrtron.

Reminded me of that scene from Spinal Tap. You know the one.


No problem. I actually destroy airport lineups with my common sense approach of not being retarded. A few of my transfers in Asia had 30 minute transfers and I made it even with my plane being 15 minutes late, going through the security check and even hit up the duty free.

I actually enjoy flying and am in a good enough mood by the travel that I ignore the fools causing massive holdups.
 
GCD
2008-05-08 01:47:58 PM
ExJerseyGirl: And bring in Australian cattle dogs to nip at the heels of those who go the wrong way or aren't moving fast enough.

The whole process of airport security is dehumanizing with many ridiculous policies.


I'll supply the dogs.

Seriously. It's COMMON SENSE as to how to move through the line at security. You see people taking off their jackets, it MIGHT be a good idea to assume that this applies to you too. You know, as opposed to waiting until you're TOLD to.

The instant that you walk into the airport, you are bombarded with instructions as how to proceed through the lines and yet there are complete farkwits who somehow manage (see: choose) to be completely oblivious to these messages and think that it doesn't apply to them.

Fark them. Fark them all and sic the dogs on them.
 
2008-05-08 01:48:20 PM
MugzyBrown: Thorny4Pie: 1) You can carry water (or any other liquid) on board the plane that you can buy in the terminal past the security line, you just can't bring it through security. It's really not all that much more pricey to buy it in the airport than it is a convenience store.


Not necessarily true.

I had to throw out 2 full, unopened bottles of water at the gate as I was boarding a plane once.


Yes. They did that to me, also, and I bought the $5 20 oz. bottle of water after the security check.

I've also been felt up by so many people I should start charging. If one more person gropes my chest, trying to figure out of they're real (oh, they are), I'm going to start going braless. I can get needing to check a few things, but jeebus... do you have to do it while guys (and gals) look on? I mean, honestly.
 
2008-05-08 01:48:24 PM
New Moon Rabbit: fredklein: New Moon Rabbit: My dad and one of my sisters live in Seattle. I live in Houston.

I'm so tired of flying that I went online to check out taking Amtrack from Houston to Seattle.

The only route I found was Houston to Los Angeles, then Los Angeles to Seattle.

The trip would take a week one way.


I call BS.

Houston to LA: 38h 20m
LA to Bakersfield: 2h 45m
Bakersfield to Sacremento: 5h 15m
Sacremento to Seatlle: 20h 46m

Total: 67hours, 6 minutes. Less than 3 days. Which is less than HALF a week.

/Still too damn long.

Wow, thanks for calling BS. I had checked it last year about this time and what I listed is the only thing I found.

I could handle less than three days there and same back.

Thanks for checking that out!


Don't forget the delays from having to but the train back on the tracks every few hundred miles.
 
2008-05-08 01:48:35 PM
amanogowa: I would go even further. For a smallish fee, say, $500 particular people can register, get a biometric scan of finger prints, retinas, and hand bone density. They are allowed to skip the line and xrays after proving their identity. This option would be solely availible to low-risk groups -- say elderly, or people with fake hips, etc. They also have to be in good legal standing, veteran travelers, etc.

Fly Clear
 
2008-05-08 01:49:05 PM
Somehow, turning American domestic security into a farking twister game doesn't give me that sense of "all is well".
 
2008-05-08 01:49:19 PM
Seven Mason: Crazymuthafarker: if she is in SW VA, I doubt she is traveling to Richmond for a flight- At least I hope not.

RIC is the best airport I've been in since they finished the remodel; which is a good thing since it is my home airport.

/If only they hadn't banned smoking in the bars
//Just clogs up security even more
///3 hour layover + 1 smoke per hour x 100 extra people going through security = 5 more people per min....100 is probably a VERY conservative number for O'Hare


They were still doing the remodel the last time I was there. It was still an enjoyable experience. I may be passing through again soon. Tell me they finally got the Starbucks up and running!!!

/Cheeburger Cheeburger FTW!
 
2008-05-08 01:49:22 PM
The Dogs of War: you know who else seperated people into different lines when they arrived at a new place?

WINNAH!
img201.imageshack.us
 
2008-05-08 01:49:42 PM
pizen: FTA: "If you are a terrorist, you probably are not going to go into the family line."

The battle of wits has begun.

This thinking is exactly why you'll find the terrorists in the family line. Or maybe they think you think they know this and so they'll go in the expert line. Or maybe they think you think they've gone in the expert line because they think you think they're really in the family line so they go in the family line.


This!
 
2008-05-08 01:50:31 PM
I got to use an 'advanced' lane in Dallas on Monday.

It has a grey bin conveyor that delivers them back to the next person, and you don't have to take anything out. Not your laptop, not your toiletries, not anything. You still have to take off your shoes, but it's a breeze.

Man, it's so nice not to pack/unpack/pack every Monday.
 
2008-05-08 01:51:05 PM
1) You can carry water (or any other liquid) on board the plane that you can buy in the terminal past the security line, you just can't bring it through security. It's really not all that much more pricey to buy it in the airport than it is a convenience store.

Ahem. 750 ml bottle of water at Trader Joe's: 29 cents. 750 ml bottle of water at the airport: $3.50.
 
2008-05-08 01:51:14 PM
bobug: Yes. They did that to me, also, and I bought the $5 20 oz. bottle of water after the security check

Yup.

Was yours on an international flight?
I went through security, purchased water, had to throw out water and then had everybody's bags searched again before going onto the plane.
 
2008-05-08 01:51:43 PM
For maximum pro performance, I suggest arriving in line with your ID and ticket, wearing only a speedo if male or bikini bottom and pasties if female. Disposable flip-flops should be discarded before entering the line. Everything else should be mailed or fed-exed to your destination separately. Doing it this way places the least stress on the TSA employees who have enough to worry about as it is.

Plus, the NSA has considered a scenario of speedo wearing terrorists hijacking a planeload of nearly naked passengers to be highly unlikely, so you improve the odds of survival too. This is pretty simple. The terrorists wore clothes so if you do too, it's no wonder you get screened or slow the line down.
 
2008-05-08 01:52:45 PM
ExJerseyGirl: Crazymuthafarker:

Did we really just have a simulpost about rectal exams? I'm not sure how I feel about this...


Now that is funny.
 
2008-05-08 01:53:35 PM
Why did my farking family have to move so far away? And then expect ME to be the one travelling to THEM?

I raise a stink about it every year and get the same response from my sister and her family, "bbbbbut it's TOO HOT in Texas!" (say it in a whining voice)...

But they spent a week in Disney World last year... didn't seem to be "too hot" for them then.
 
2008-05-08 01:53:55 PM
New Moon Rabbit:

Amtrak.com shows leaving Houston at 9:50 pm on 09-MAY-08 and arriving Seattle at 8:45 pm on 12-MAY-08.
 
2008-05-08 01:54:12 PM
Henry Rollins' "Airport Hell" (new window) sums up this situation perfectly
 
2008-05-08 01:54:13 PM
MugzyBrown: bobug: Yes. They did that to me, also, and I bought the $5 20 oz. bottle of water after the security check

Yup.

Was yours on an international flight?
I went through security, purchased water, had to throw out water and then had everybody's bags searched again before going onto the plane.


Nope. I was flying from ABQ -> TX -> Puerto Rico -> St. Croix

Interesting side note? After landing / arriving at the hotel, I realized I hadn't removed my dive knife from my dive gear, and had gone through security with it (it was truly NOT intentional)
 
2008-05-08 01:54:23 PM
MugzyBrown: bobug: Yes. They did that to me, also, and I bought the $5 20 oz. bottle of water after the security check

Yup.

Was yours on an international flight?
I went through security, purchased water, had to throw out water and then had everybody's bags searched again before going onto the plane.


I was going to ask the same thing. I've never had that done on a domestic flight, and haven't flown int'l in years.
 
2008-05-08 01:54:48 PM
And people wonder why we've got so many gas guzzling cars on the road.

Soon I'm going to have to consider making a trip from NYC to Clarion, PA (about an hour NE of Pittsburgh) on a regular basis. Now, my options for this are:

A) Pay $400 to spend 2 hours getting through security, 2 hours in flight, an hour getting out of the airport, and either rent a car for the hour drive or get picked up.

B) Pay $250 and spend 7 hours on a train from NYC to Washington DC followed by 9 hours to Pittsburgh, and same car issue.

C) Just rent a car for 2 extra days ($100? $150?) and drive 4 hours, ~$40 @25mpg assuming $4/gal.


When driving is not only the cheapest but also the fastest and least pain in the ass way to travel, public transit is doing it wrong. It's a joke.
 
2008-05-08 01:54:48 PM
HAHA GREN ISL 4 TEH NOOBZ BLACK 4 TEH PWNZERZ!!!1!1!
 
2008-05-08 01:55:03 PM
ArcadianRefugee: New Moon Rabbit:

Amtrak.com shows leaving Houston at 9:50 pm on 09-MAY-08 and arriving Seattle at 8:45 pm on 12-MAY-08.


THANK YOU THANK YOU! I'm checking it out...
 
2008-05-08 01:55:18 PM
scarr1128: idrow: What color is the line for terrorists? That would make identifying them so much easier.

Wait, we already know all the terrorists by name, right? Otherwise the double checking of id and matching to boarding passes would be, well, complete and obvious bullshiat. My only question is if we know who all the terrorist are, why the fark are we waiting until they show up in the tightly packed, please don't bomb us, confines created by airport security lines to hassle them?
 
2008-05-08 01:55:31 PM
img59.imageshack.us
 
2008-05-08 01:55:43 PM
MugzyBrown: TMBGfreak: Fly NWA almost exclusively.

9/11's a joke?


You just made me laugh-snort for the first time in my life! Thank you!
 
2008-05-08 01:57:41 PM
Even if I put every image from "stupid" Google Image Search, I couldn't even begin to express my feelings of how mindbogglingly stupid this is...
 
2008-05-08 01:57:58 PM
amanogowa: I would go even further. For a smallish fee, say, $500 particular people can register, get a biometric scan of finger prints, retinas, and hand bone density. They are allowed to skip the line and xrays after proving their identity. This option would be solely availible to low-risk groups -- say elderly, or people with fake hips, etc. They also have to be in good legal standing, veteran travelers, etc.

Bruce Williams brought this up.


Someone beat you to it. It's called the Clear Pass. Fly Clear (new window)
 
2008-05-08 01:57:59 PM
What's silly about that? I farking hate being in line behind farking flyover state airport noobs.
 
2008-05-08 01:58:18 PM
Obligatory (new window) (not a rickroll, NSFW language)
 
2008-05-08 01:58:40 PM
Gldm: And people wonder why we've got so many gas guzzling cars on the road.

Soon I'm going to have to consider making a trip from NYC to Clarion, PA (about an hour NE of Pittsburgh) on a regular basis. Now, my options for this are:

A) Pay $400 to spend 2 hours getting through security, 2 hours in flight, an hour getting out of the airport, and either rent a car for the hour drive or get picked up.

B) Pay $250 and spend 7 hours on a train from NYC to Washington DC followed by 9 hours to Pittsburgh, and same car issue.

C) Just rent a car for 2 extra days ($100? $150?) and drive 4 hours, ~$40 @25mpg assuming $4/gal.


When driving is not only the cheapest but also the fastest and least pain in the ass way to travel, public transit is doing it wrong. It's a joke.


Why would you even bother to fly when it is 4 hour drive? Why even rent a car?
 
2008-05-08 01:59:12 PM
Sammy Jenkins: What's silly about that? I farking hate being in line behind farking flyover state airport noobs.

Thissity thisthisTHIS
 
2008-05-08 01:59:53 PM
While this appears to be a brilliant idea, I sufferred through it flying out of MCO in Orlando last week. Despite my spouse and myself flying at least once per week on business for the last 5 years,we were 'forced' into the Family line by virtue of the fact that we had an 8 year old and a three year old flying with us. Despite all four of us being capable of undressing and taking out laptops in under ten seconds we had to wait twenty minutes to get to the x-ray machine. Trying to classify people based on appearance has never worked, will never work and shouldn't even be tried. I will say that there should be a businessclass/first class lane at every airport. Those passengers are generally faster than any of the others.
 
2008-05-08 02:00:06 PM
Thorny4Pie: I was going to ask the same thing. I've never had that done on a domestic flight, and haven't flown int'l in years.

It's happened to me twice on international flights.

As we're boarding the plane, it's suddenly a whole new check point where everybody gets searched again.
 
2008-05-08 02:00:13 PM
vitalogygirl: amanogowa: I would go even further. For a smallish fee, say, $500 particular people can register, get a biometric scan of finger prints, retinas, and hand bone density. They are allowed to skip the line and xrays after proving their identity. This option would be solely availible to low-risk groups -- say elderly, or people with fake hips, etc. They also have to be in good legal standing, veteran travelers, etc.

Bruce Williams brought this up.

Someone beat you to it. It's called the Clear Pass. Fly Clear (new window)


Eh, Bruce talked about it years ago, and I still think it would be great.
 
B A [TotalFark]
2008-05-08 02:00:42 PM
adognamedcat: In order to go through the double black diamond lane you will have to just have your ticket, ID, no carry on luggage, and show up only wearing underwear and no shoes.
at which time you will be treated to a full cavity search and fed through the baggage xray machine three times before being told you've missed your flight and will have to arrange alternate transportation.
 
2008-05-08 02:00:45 PM
This is great news for buisness travelers, bad news for the noob TSA guys that'll get stuck dealing with 'em.
 
2008-05-08 02:00:51 PM
Gldm: And people wonder why we've got so many gas guzzling cars on the road.

Soon I'm going to have to consider making a trip from NYC to Clarion, PA (about an hour NE of Pittsburgh) on a regular basis. Now, my options for this are:

...

When driving is not only the cheapest but also the fastest and least pain in the ass way to travel, public transit is doing it wrong. It's a joke.


Public transit is for commuting, where the vast majority of miles driven occur. If you're commuting from NYC to PA, you're doing it wrong. If it's just a one shot trip, or even a few dozen trips over the next year, yeah renting a car is the way to do it. Certainly wouldn't justify the embodied energy and cost associated with putting together a good public transit solution. Check the 'neighborhood' rental locations and you may save the airport fee and dodge some B&T traffic (although if you're near Jamaica or Howard Beach stations it's hard to beat the convenience of popping over to JFK for a pickup).
 
2008-05-08 02:04:09 PM
Holy crap! Has the writer not heard of paragraphs?!
 
2008-05-08 02:04:15 PM
ExJerseyGirl: Well, we already have our shoes off, let's use those to beat them.

You have to beat them to death with their own shoes.

But that's another story alltogether.
 
2008-05-08 02:04:24 PM
"While several travelers initially looked baffled by the color-coded lines, it didn't take long to catch on."

Please step over here to the green line, sir.
 
2008-05-08 02:04:29 PM
jshine: ...interesting that your rage is directed not towards the Security Theater of TSA, but at perfectly normal human activities. My, how quickly our minds become conditioned...

it is no different than being mad at someone who goes to the boarding line and doesn't have their ticket out. There is a process there that isn;t that complicated it may be stupid or asinine, and I encourage people to write their senators about it, but don;t be an asshat and slow everybody else down.
 
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