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(Something Awful)   The SA goons fark with Jehovah's Witnesses. What would you do to fark with Jehovah's Witnesses? (voting enabled)   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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168 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Nov 2002 at 4:57 PM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

205 Comments     (+0 »)

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2002-11-19 02:02:53 PM  
One of them interrupted me at work two weeks ago to witness. I listened then because I was bored, imagining people adding "Jehovah" 7000 times with a pencil (into the King James Bible).

Next time she witnesses to me (old lady), I'm recruiting for the Communist Party
2002-11-19 03:03:34 PM  
my grandfather used to chase them off with a machete... that was pretty effective.

I personally just tell them to piss off & close the door on them - farkers wasting my time piss me off.

oh and just saying "voting enabled" doesn't make it so
2002-11-19 05:14:52 PM  
Invite them to a free "Bible Class". Lock the door. Reveal that "Bible Class" = "blood transfusion clinic".
2002-11-19 05:14:58 PM  
Just answer the door naked. That's it.
2002-11-19 05:15:02 PM  
"Hey, great! You're just in time for the ritual sacrifice of the virgin and the goat. We're still looking for a volunteer to the bowl for the blood, ya want to help?"
2002-11-19 05:15:51 PM  
I just whip a giant log of my own shiat in their direction while babbeling incoherantly. Never fails...WOOP!
2002-11-19 05:16:26 PM  
When they knock on the door answer it and wit for them to start talking. Then grab their nose and scream "Got your god!"
2002-11-19 05:17:03 PM  
Shoot one in the face. The other in the testicles.
2002-11-19 05:17:57 PM  
Enable voting.
2002-11-19 05:17:59 PM  
Well they showed up at my house one day, and my grandfather, who was visiting from California answered the door. One of them asked him, "Do you know how you got here?" and he said,"Yeah the farkin' Amtrack". They left.
2002-11-19 05:18:02 PM  
"I know I'm human. And if you were all these things, then you'd just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn't want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It'll fight if it has to, but it's vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it's won."

And yeah... I used to live in an apartment complex and one of my neighbors called to warn me of the 10-speed preachers... so I answered the door naked. Nuff said.
2002-11-19 05:19:10 PM  
I still like the way my mom handled them years ago.

Two showed up, and when she opened the door, they forced their way into the house (back in those days, they were even pushier). She grabbed the first guy by the belt and collar and threw him right through the screen door, knocking it off its hinges.

She looked at the second guy and said "Do you want to leave the same way, or would you rather walk out?". He wisely chose to walk out under his own power.
2002-11-19 05:21:49 PM  
I have a friend that puts in a porno, wheels the TV in sight of the front door and cranks the volume to full.
2002-11-19 05:23:55 PM  
I can't believe they haven't taken the high tech route of automated phone calls and spam email. That's probably right around the corner for them though.

Isn't Michael Jackson one of 'em? Or is he a Mormon? Or a space creature?
2002-11-19 05:23:55 PM  
I poop huge!
2002-11-19 05:25:27 PM  
I ask them the following:

Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that even he couldn't eat it?

While they ponder that I kick them in the nuts.
2002-11-19 05:25:31 PM  
That's the reason I always answer the door with the hilt of a 16 inch hunting knife sticking visibly out of my belt. I call her Sheila.
2002-11-19 05:26:07 PM  
Knock on their door on Christmas and sing carols. If they give you a hassle tell their kids santa hates them and that is why they are not allowed to celebrate
2002-11-19 05:26:38 PM  
Pull their heads out of their asses long enough to make them actually listen to the crap they spew.

Failing that, I like to find out where *they* live, then go pound on their door at 8 am on a Saturday morning and tell them all about the giant fleshing eating creature of Antor that is going to come down and smite us all.

G'damnit, I wasted all that wit b4 checkin to see if voting was enabled. WHO WILL PRAISE ME NOW I ASK? Oh the humanity.
2002-11-19 05:26:41 PM  
One time they visited, and I told them that I practice a baseball religion. They left, probably thinking that I needed to be locked up.
2002-11-19 05:27:08 PM  
wow, your mom rules.
2002-11-19 05:27:46 PM  
Answering the door with a hard-on and a butter dish usually gets a reaction.
2002-11-19 05:30:08 PM  
Repeat the following words: "I'm disenfranchised, and I never intend to repent."

Trust me, they keep lists, and they'll never be back.
2002-11-19 05:30:08 PM  
A buddy of mine always got them to go away by doing this:

They knock on the door. He feigns interest. He informes them that he and the wife and kids were just fixing to get into the tub, and inquires as to whether or not they'd like to join in.

Never failed to get them to leave.
2002-11-19 05:30:14 PM  
it pisses me off when they send the cute little kids to the door, then quickly run up once you open the door.
Once my dog stuck his nose up under the womans dress, to have a whiff. She got flustered, and said "he must be smelling my cat on my clothes" I said Uh no, I think he's smelling your pussy, lady.
2002-11-19 05:30:19 PM  
Vetbridge--i believe Prince is.
2002-11-19 05:30:24 PM  
Show them a calendar, try to convince them that it's not Saturday morning yet, they should come back tomorrow. When they leave, I then burn my apartment down, then move to another state.
2002-11-19 05:33:01 PM  
"pushed their way into the house"
WTF? I would LOVE for them to pust their way into my house. Lying on my stoop clutching body parts and begging their god for the pain to stop is probably pretty intructive for us new converts.
2002-11-19 05:33:16 PM  
I didn't know that Jehovah was on trial.
2002-11-19 05:33:17 PM  
Davellis: That was so funny I spit out my Dr. Pepper.
2002-11-19 05:33:44 PM  
The problem with forcing them away is they still get "points," the disenfranchised method denies them points and helps slow down the progress of more elders being nominated into their hall.
2002-11-19 05:34:07 PM  
You are all full of crap.

You know you all hide behind the door when they come!!
2002-11-19 05:35:18 PM  
The best story I ever heard, unfortunately, isn't one most people could do, given the large amount of equipment involved. But it's still good to hear.

OK, so one of my friends has a martial arts instructor who worships household gods. And the instructor is in the basement one day, practicing kendo with his brother. Meanwhile, his son is up watching cartoons, when the doorbell rings. The kid opens the door, and there's two evangelists standing there (we think they were Mormons, actually, but I guess it's not really relevant.)

Evangelists: Hi. We're here to talk to you about God.
Kid: Which one?
Um... err... the Christian God, the One God.
Kid: Oh. Just a sec... [turns to the basement, shouts] DAD, THERE'S CHRISTIANS AT THE DOOR!
Instructor: [Shouting from basement]Oh, really? What do they want?
Kid: They want to talk to you about their god.

Well, so the instructor and his brother come from the basement, sweaty, smelly, and wearing full ceremonial armor. They bring with them their pet Irish wolfhounds, who had been with them in the basement at the time. They invite the evangelists in, and the evangelists proceed with a short prayer. The instructor tells them this is fine, but they'd like to say a prayer of their own too. The evangelists agree.

So the kid goes and breaks out the candles and incense. And they decide to have some fun here, so they start saying the sacrifice prayer from Conan the Barbarian. They get through the first four words...

"O Serpent of Darkness..."

...and the rest, I will leave up to your imagination. Suffice it to say, it resulted in two screaming evangelists fleeing for their lives, and some very angry Irish wolfhounds.

Seriously, though, if you want to get rid of them, be polite about it. That generally works better than anything else. Or if they're really annoying, you can actually file a complaint against the people, though you'll want to get their names if you take that route.
2002-11-19 05:35:18 PM  
Stubblyhead...Prince Charles?
2002-11-19 05:35:41 PM  
JWs are a rough cult, they is be whacked.

I normally just go over their head w/ why thier doctrine is incorrect an show them the errors in their NW Translation.
2002-11-19 05:35:45 PM  
Bitterman - I must attribute that to my good man Homer Simpson. It was in the episode where he gets stoned for medicinal purposes.
2002-11-19 05:43:08 PM  
a bit off-topic, but what the hell's up with the Comedy goldmine the past month or so? It started out as a mini-photoshop phriday (which was fine enough), but then 4 weeks ago it completely reused all the images from the last PP and now it's been nothing but random blurbs about god knows what.... Kind of a waste of bandwidth, no....?
2002-11-19 05:43:52 PM  
The last time I answered the door to a Jehovah's Witness, they had a cute little girl in front handing out the literature. Now, I really hate that. It's bad enough proselytizing, but to put their kid in front so you won't scream at the kid--that's just wrong. Then, they started in immediately with their pitch about how 'scientists' were turning everyone away from God by teaching 'eeeevolution' and other Satanic evil concepts. I stopped her in mid-pitch, and pointed out that as I was working on my PhD in chemistry, I wasn't likely to be swayed by the power of her arguments to give up rational thought and join the fold.

Hate 'em. I don't see why passion = right for those folks. I'm passionate about my musical tastes, but you don't see me going door-to-door trying to convince people that Big Country was an underappreciated band...
2002-11-19 05:45:42 PM  
Invite them in.
Then pull out your 6' Graphix and tell them that you need a couple of minutes to "get in the right frame" of mind to discuss deep philosophical shiat like God and stuff.
2002-11-19 05:49:20 PM  

This is really pathetic. If this person had actually ever spoken to a jehovah's witness they would know that they don't believe in people going to heaven or hell. I can't believe people have to stoop so low as to pretend to hate jehovah's witnesses.

Most of the responses reflect the same ignorance.
Jehovah's witnesses don't believe in a "soul" like other christians. Also, you're not likely going to get rid of them by asking complex questions. These people go to church like 5 times a week.

It's kind ammusing to see how many pathetic people want to fit in so bad that they will fabricate a religious bias.

2002-11-19 05:51:39 PM  
Vertbridge--no, prince rogers nelson.
[image from too old to be available]
2002-11-19 05:51:48 PM  
Somebody hit a soft spot Fuque?
2002-11-19 05:52:03 PM  
Fuque: Nothing aginst jehovas witnesses per say, i just cant stand christians in general. Pushy ones trying to convert me annoy me even more.
2002-11-19 05:54:32 PM  
It's kind ammusing to see how many pathetic people want to fit in so bad that they will fabricate a religious bias.

I see your point, and it's valid in lots of areas, but not here. I think here we have a case where this group has pissed off so many ppl that, ignorant of their beliefs or not, ppl want to voice their complaints.
2002-11-19 05:55:55 PM  

I usually try to counter-convert them to whatever religion I feel like pretending to be that day.

I got a mormon to take a copy of the Satanic Bible in exchange for whatever crap he wanted to leave. He was pretty scared.
2002-11-19 05:56:51 PM  

I'm not pretending. I hate everyone that disturbs my life by coming to my door uninvited - whether it be to sell me aluminum siding or to save my soul.

The fact that they're passionate about their faith is great. Just keep it off my farking front step, slappy.
2002-11-19 05:57:14 PM  
I listen to them politely.
They don't stay long, and it's nice to have some company.
Each visit, we talk less about religeon, and more about silviculture, a hobby we both share.
2002-11-19 06:02:01 PM  
Ok, first of all, the Jehovah's Witnesses have their own Bible, just as the Catholics have their version and the new Christians have their own, etc.

Secondly, I was a Jehovah's Witness until I was 14 years old. In that time, I did door-to-door because I thought I was serving God in my own, small way. It wasn't very fun to hear people cocking their shotguns behind doors or having my dad pick me up and run down the street after some ignorant, Godless, slobbering yokel sicced his dawg on us.

Yeah, that's hilarious. It's a shame that people will tolerate people trying to sell them something but will think of ways to hurt, humiliate and degrade someone who is trying to save them (in their mind, at least) from DYING IN ARMAGEDDON

So, all of you "it's cool to be atheists" hipsters, maybe you should think about what might happen to you if everytime you tried to convince someone you were right, they humiliated you. Well, I guess that happens here everyday, doesn't it?

As for the JW religion, they have different beliefs, that's all. If you don't want to talk, be polite, not ignorant.

My suggestion for the next religion-bashing threads: "If this was the inquisition, how would you torture people into being Catholic?" OR "You're a Roman dictator. You're about to punish Jesus Christ, you're fresh out of crosses, what do you do?"

Talk about irresponsible.
2002-11-19 06:04:02 PM  
11-19-02 05:51:39 PM Stubblyhead

Ohhh...I though he was formerly known as prince. Sorry.
2002-11-19 06:04:57 PM  
Nice to see so many racist are left in the world. You guys should be proud. Last time I read the farking fark forums. (except for photoshops)
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