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(First Coast News)   Man caught having sex with a picnic table (with mugshot goodness)   (firstcoastnews.com) divider line 425
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36832 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Mar 2008 at 3:05 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-03-28 03:10:33 PM  
FTFA: The investigation began when a tipster gave police three DVDs showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck.

Wow, did I misread that last word at first.
 
2008-03-28 03:10:47 PM  
I would hate to see what he does with his bbq tools.
 
2008-03-28 03:11:12 PM  
You know you've been jerking it for too long when you can only get off by including lawn furniture.

The only really foolish (if not really f'n weird) thing this guy did was, that he did it outside. If he has stuck to the one in the house (like he had before, he'd have been okay.


I'll tell you what's really sick... His neighbor filmed it!!!
 
2008-03-28 03:11:15 PM  
It could have been worse... it could have been a woman with a fire hydrant...
 
2008-03-28 03:11:28 PM  
tetanus shots soon followed....
 
2008-03-28 03:11:37 PM  
I like this little throwaway line in the article:

Police say Price lives near an elementary school.

Because we all know furniture sex is a gateway behavior to becoming a pedophile.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:18 PM  
$20,000 bond for sex with a table?! Damn.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:20 PM  
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

/The more you know.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:25 PM  
kingMountain: the worst part is that he makes the chairs watch.

And those poor innocent chairs are only 3ys old! Pedobarcaloungephile!
 
2008-03-28 03:12:33 PM  
Sharp knees?

/would not hit.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:38 PM  
I came to the thread to get a chuckle, and I am certainly not leaving disappointed.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:48 PM  
SherKhan: unremarkable asterisk:

If he succeeds in breeding little tables (like an end table or a nightstand), then he can't win a Darwin.

One nightstand is all it takes.


One Night Stand! ha.
 
2008-03-28 03:12:49 PM  
I'm kinda curious as to how the 'tipster' got the DVDs in the first place.

Creepy Guy: "Hey dude, check out this porn I made"
 
2008-03-28 03:12:54 PM  
Diogenes: Worst.Gloryhole.Evar.

He was definitely doing it wrong
 
2008-03-28 03:13:34 PM  
Embarrassed to admit that I have family in that town.

/and I used to sell patio furniture
//could have made millions
///slashies
 
2008-03-28 03:13:46 PM  
ElegantGoose: sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck.

Wow, did I misread that last word at first.


Came here to say this.
 
2008-03-28 03:14:14 PM  
At least he wasn't trying to teabag his chair...like somebody..
 
2008-03-28 03:15:19 PM  
I cannot find for my life the best link I ever saw regarding porch furniture and sex. It was an entire website dedicated to chairs having sex. It was amazing. If someone else knows what I'm talking about, feel free to link it up.
 
2008-03-28 03:15:27 PM  
Danger Avoid Death: Arthur Price: "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend Patty. Patty O'Furniture."

Nice one
 
2008-03-28 03:15:30 PM  
Picnic tables are whores. There, I said it.
 
2008-03-28 03:15:52 PM  
Is there a fetish community on the internet somewhere for this guy?
 
2008-03-28 03:16:11 PM  
Thrillho34: You are making my day w/ your comments. Too funny!!!

thanks!
 
2008-03-28 03:16:13 PM  
Best piece of ash he ever had
 
2008-03-28 03:16:38 PM  
He looks like a patiophile.
 
2008-03-28 03:16:38 PM  
Years ago my friend's wife forgot to remove the umbrella, even left it open. A storm passed through, and shattered the 1/2" thick glass top. What was an amusing story just became very, very scary.
 
2008-03-28 03:16:47 PM  
Oh baby, is that Krylon you're wearing?
 
2008-03-28 03:16:56 PM  
Link to the video or it didn't happen....
 
2008-03-28 03:16:58 PM  
thats a man, baby

the table was obviously sportin' wood
 
2008-03-28 03:17:10 PM  
Tallgordon: Is there a fetish community on the internet somewhere for this guy?

http://www.la-z-boy.com/
 
2008-03-28 03:17:12 PM  
i147.photobucket.com
 
2008-03-28 03:17:24 PM  
i laughed three times getting to the bottom of this thread.

herewith i declare:

i149.photobucket.com
 
2008-03-28 03:17:37 PM  
Tallgordon: Is there a fetish community on the internet somewhere for this guy?

alt.furniture.patio.penisgoeswhere
 
2008-03-28 03:17:47 PM  
So many poor jokes about this.

I respect this man's choice in partners. Why deal with a wife when a picnic table can solve all your needs?
 
2008-03-28 03:18:01 PM  
I wonder if this is going to be the pinnacle of Arthur Price's life or is he somehow going to be able to top this at some point in the future?
 
2008-03-28 03:18:04 PM  
durbnpoisn: You know you've been jerking it for too long when you can only get off by including lawn furniture.

The only really foolish (if not really f'n weird) thing this guy did was, that he did it outside. If he has stuck to the one in the house (like he had before, he'd have been okay.


I'll tell you what's really sick... His neighbor filmed it!!!


Not only that, but the neighbor filmed enough of it to fill up THREE frikkin DVD's. That's like 3 full length feature films there.
 
2008-03-28 03:18:07 PM  
img98.imageshack.us
 
2008-03-28 03:18:07 PM  
Not on but WITH.

Guess when you rub wood together a fire is bound to start.
 
2008-03-28 03:18:20 PM  
Meh, the neighbor just wanted the owner out of the picture so he could sneak over and fark the table.
 
2008-03-28 03:18:34 PM  
Heineken Skywalker: He looks like a patiophile.

OMG win.
 
2008-03-28 03:18:41 PM  
He had wood?
 
2008-03-28 03:18:51 PM  
I was going to say something about a woody in the wood but I see the table in question was made of iron.
/nothin'
 
2008-03-28 03:18:57 PM  
kingMountain: Tallgordon: Is there a fetish community on the internet somewhere for this guy?

alt.furniture.patio.penisgoeswhere


OMG

ROFL LMAO

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAA


this thread is killing me
 
2008-03-28 03:19:01 PM  
i180.photobucket.com
 
2008-03-28 03:19:06 PM  
"though the man was quite energetic, the table's acting was described as WOODEN."
 
2008-03-28 03:19:07 PM  
In all seriousness, how utterly humiliating. A guy who must obviously be desperate to the point of madness does something (and i admit it is a pretty strange choice for finding relief) in what he hopefully assumed was the privacy of his own back yard and bedroom, and gets caught on FILM. At first I wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, but my God, how horrifyingly sad. I'm dead serious, this just depressed me and my heart goes out.
 
2008-03-28 03:19:11 PM  
That's sick and all, but I think the freak neighbor that filmed this shiat is more deserving of prison.
 
2008-03-28 03:19:20 PM  
Hobbit Mob: sparky1013: GAH... how did he not get splinters?

Foreplay


win
 
2008-03-28 03:19:22 PM  
If having sex with your picnic table is wrong i don't wanna be right.
 
2008-03-28 03:19:35 PM  
dr_iacovone: Not only that, but the neighbor filmed enough of it to fill up THREE frikkin DVD's. That's like 3 full length feature films there.

Grills Gone Wild
Grills Gone Wild 2
Grills Gone Wild: Spring Break
 
2008-03-28 03:19:46 PM  
Arthur Jumbles: You mean it's illegal to masturbate with lawn furniture in your own backyard?

I googled "public indecency". According to CO statute:

Any person who performs any of the following in a public place or where the conduct may reasonably be expected to be viewed by members of the public commits public indecency:
...
(c) A lewd exposure of the body done with intent to arouse or to satisfy the sexual desire of any person; or
...


So I guess if your backyard has a high, solid fence, you can do whatever you like. Noise is apparently not an issue, at least not in CO.
 
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