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(Daily Mail)   Reworked Bible stories feature Goliath as a drunk and Eve as sex mad, dogs playing poker and dinosaurs as yet unexplained   (dailymail.co.uk) divider line 102
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11752 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Mar 2008 at 9:52 AM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2008-03-27 08:46:55 AM  
photos.imageevent.com
 
2008-03-27 08:50:11 AM  
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. And his wife lay back and began to explore her own body with her fingers, pressing and probing as Adam became excited and his member did rise to peer longingly with its Cyclopean eye toward the heavens. And Eve saw this, and was frightened, but consumed with lust at the sight of his magnificent appendage and did leap forward to taste the very flesh from which she had came. And Adam was frightened as he watched her lips bob up and down over his holiness, and he prayed for guidance and realized that the animals of the garden had gathered around to watch. The baboon approached Eve from behind and grabbed her hips gently with his oversized paws, eased her back against him as she continued to orally worship Adam, and Adam heard her moan, gasp, wail a dizzying cry of pain and delight. And the heavens opened, and warm rain fell, drenching her skin in a golden shower as a duo of pigs scampered beneath her to suckle at her swaying bosoms. And the angels alighted in the burning bush and rubbed their sexless mounds and the horse mounted the rhinocerous and the elephant gave the hippo a trunk job. And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.
 
2008-03-27 08:54:51 AM  
Pocket Ninja: ...and it was good.

AMEN!
 
2008-03-27 09:02:37 AM  
Pocket Ninja: And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.

with sexy results!
 
2008-03-27 09:17:59 AM  
Pocket Ninja: from which she had came

She sure did!

/this is why I don't follow the bible - it was re-written so many times
 
2008-03-27 09:23:25 AM  
submitter: dinosaurs as yet unexplained

i23.photobucket.com

/Obligatory
 
2008-03-27 09:34:07 AM  
Pocket Ninja: and it was good.

LOL you win the internets!
 
2008-03-27 09:44:22 AM  
Pocket Ninja: and it was good.

Well, that was disturbing.

The fact I LOL'd that is

+1
 
2008-03-27 09:57:55 AM  
Hmmm....

Actually, in Revelation, the Scripture warns of going straight to hell if you change any of the words in the Bible. It's why so many translations are considered "not canon".

Seems strange to me that a reverend, who should know this, is changing the stories so drastically. Something is fishy here.
 
2008-03-27 09:58:28 AM  
Pocket Ninja,

I got a few tears in my eyes laughing at that one. Well played, sir.
 
2008-03-27 09:59:05 AM  
Adam was a black man (dominant gene)
and eve was a white woman. (white rib)
 
2008-03-27 09:59:47 AM  
meepozoid: Seems strange to me that a reverend, who should know this, is changing the stories so drastically. Something is fishy here.

Well, he's Anglican. Everyone knows they're not real Christians ;)
 
2008-03-27 10:00:04 AM  
Pocket Ninja: ...and it was good.

What's your literotica handle?
 
2008-03-27 10:00:32 AM  
Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:

www.houstondragon.com
"I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

/Whoa
//Good Bible
 
2008-03-27 10:01:24 AM  
Pocket Ninja: And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.

Okay, was anyone else aroused by this? Anyone?

Thanks PN for the first laugh of the day.
 
2008-03-27 10:02:08 AM  
Will this thread warrant a visit from Bevets?

If so, I may need to restructure my afternoon...
 
2008-03-27 10:02:40 AM  
FTFA: ""After all, who knows what the point is?"

When your priest/minister/holy figure says this, its time to get a new one.
 
2008-03-27 10:02:50 AM  
When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout to the dynamite monkeys, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and they took the city.

Joshua 6:20.1
 
2008-03-27 10:04:22 AM  
tortilla burger: meepozoid: Seems strange to me that a reverend, who should know this, is changing the stories so drastically. Something is fishy here.

Well, he's Anglican. Everyone knows they're not real Christians ;)


I strenuously, yet politely, disagree with you.
 
2008-03-27 10:04:28 AM  
meepozoid: Actually, in Revelation, the Scripture warns of going straight to hell if you change any of the words in the Bible. It's why so many translations are considered "not canon".

Whoever wrote those words had no concept of the Bible, so it's doubtful that it applied to the whole thing rather than Revelation specifically.
 
2008-03-27 10:05:53 AM  
So wait...what's the difference?
 
2008-03-27 10:07:19 AM  
houstondragon: Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:

Read this as "swimming in convents."

Coupled with the pic it was like, well, you know.
 
2008-03-27 10:09:02 AM  
HulkHands: Pocket Ninja: from which she had came

She sure did!

/this is why I don't follow the bible - it was re-written so many times


Not so much, no.
 
2008-03-27 10:10:59 AM  
mathmonkey:
/this is why I don't follow the bible - it was re-written so many times

Not so much, no.


...aaaaaand we're off.
 
2008-03-27 10:12:39 AM  
Pocket Ninja: So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. And his wife lay back and began to explore her own body with her fingers, pressing and probing as Adam became excited and his member did rise to peer longingly with its Cyclopean eye toward the heavens. And Eve saw this, and was frightened, but consumed with lust at the sight of his magnificent appendage and did leap forward to taste the very flesh from which she had came. And Adam was frightened as he watched her lips bob up and down over his holiness, and he prayed for guidance and realized that the animals of the garden had gathered around to watch. The baboon approached Eve from behind and grabbed her hips gently with his oversized paws, eased her back against him as she continued to orally worship Adam, and Adam heard her moan, gasp, wail a dizzying cry of pain and delight. And the heavens opened, and warm rain fell, drenching her skin in a golden shower as a duo of pigs scampered beneath her to suckle at her swaying bosoms. And the angels alighted in the burning bush and rubbed their sexless mounds and the horse mounted the rhinocerous and the elephant gave the hippo a trunk job. And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.

Rule 34 in action
 
2008-03-27 10:13:34 AM  
Pocket Ninja: ...and it was good.

Why is it that Baboons ALWAYS cums first?

/Nicely done Pocket Ninja
 
2008-03-27 10:13:42 AM  
Every woman I "know" is in a biblical sense.
 
2008-03-27 10:15:20 AM  
There is much potential in this thread, thanks to the magnificent postings of Pocket Ninja and houstondragon.

Let those who come after, recognize this and use it wisely.
 
2008-03-27 10:17:54 AM  
FTFA " and some notable christians disagreed"
 
2008-03-27 10:18:39 AM  
bp3.blogger.com

THAT is how you update the Bible, Sir.
 
2008-03-27 10:19:24 AM  
houstondragon: Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:


"I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

/Whoa
//Good Bible


So it's the "special hell" for me, then...

/to your bunks!
 
2008-03-27 10:20:00 AM  
"After all, who knows what the point is? What is more important to me is that people are getting to know the stories."

This has so many levels of FAIL, I know not where to begin...
 
2008-03-27 10:20:25 AM  
PN that was farking amazing!

icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com

//Window seat plz
 
2008-03-27 10:22:45 AM  
Pocket Ninja: So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. And his wife lay back and began to explore her own body with her fingers, pressing and probing as Adam became excited and his member did rise to peer longingly with its Cyclopean eye toward the heavens. And Eve saw this, and was frightened, but consumed with lust at the sight of his magnificent appendage and did leap forward to taste the very flesh from which she had came. And Adam was frightened as he watched her lips bob up and down over his holiness, and he prayed for guidance and realized that the animals of the garden had gathered around to watch. The baboon approached Eve from behind and grabbed her hips gently with his oversized paws, eased her back against him as she continued to orally worship Adam, and Adam heard her moan, gasp, wail a dizzying cry of pain and delight. And the heavens opened, and warm rain fell, drenching her skin in a golden shower as a duo of pigs scampered beneath her to suckle at her swaying bosoms. And the angels alighted in the burning bush and rubbed their sexless mounds and the horse mounted the rhinocerous and the elephant gave the hippo a trunk job. And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.

wow
 
2008-03-27 10:23:07 AM  
FTFA: "After all, who knows what the point is?

I can agree with this. It seems to me that much of today's Christianity* is based on little things which we (the readers) emphasize and attribute to the intentions of the author. Then we press that belief onto others.

We go in with some bias -- if only a little -- and carelessly take for granted that it is an essential part of reality's foundation. When a passage doesn't fit with our bias, we tend to either start assigning varying levels of significance or (if you have a leaning toward disbelief) dismiss it entirely. This is easier than it is to test our bias -- our foundation... if we can even identify it.


As for updating the Bible: Why doesn't this guy just write "original stories" based on biblical premises? If I re-wrote "Animal Farm" to where Boxer was a racehorse and Snowball was an expert juggler, that might make a good story, but it wouldn't make sense to insist that it was updated. It would just be a different book.


/*I say "today's Christianity", but I'm pretty sure it's not a new quality.
 
2008-03-27 10:23:58 AM  
Pocket Ninja:

It started out so promising, but the bestiality was yuck.
 
2008-03-27 10:25:15 AM  
Nutsac_Jim: Adam was a black man (dominant gene)
and eve was a white woman. (white rib)


this is one of the dumbest things I have seen on the internet...

way to go.
 
2008-03-27 10:27:52 AM  
Wait, a bible that is written to attract the attention of a younger generation? YAWN! LOLCat Bible is waaaay ahead of those guys.

lolcatbible.com


"Genesis 1 - Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem."
 
2008-03-27 10:28:14 AM  
Pocket Ninja: So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. And his wife lay back and began to explore her own body with her fingers, pressing and probing as Adam became excited and his member did rise to peer longingly with its Cyclopean eye toward the heavens. And Eve saw this, and was frightened, but consumed with lust at the sight of his magnificent appendage and did leap forward to taste the very flesh from which she had came. And Adam was frightened as he watched her lips bob up and down over his holiness, and he prayed for guidance and realized that the animals of the garden had gathered around to watch. The baboon approached Eve from behind and grabbed her hips gently with his oversized paws, eased her back against him as she continued to orally worship Adam, and Adam heard her moan, gasp, wail a dizzying cry of pain and delight. And the heavens opened, and warm rain fell, drenching her skin in a golden shower as a duo of pigs scampered beneath her to suckle at her swaying bosoms. And the angels alighted in the burning bush and rubbed their sexless mounds and the horse mounted the rhinocerous and the elephant gave the hippo a trunk job. And so it continued, day after day, and it was good.my mom got scared, she said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in bel air"
 
2008-03-27 10:29:26 AM  
houstondragon: Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:


"I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

/Whoa
//Good Bible


I like where this is going... but I am unfamiliar with the work. WHat movie is this from?
 
2008-03-27 10:32:02 AM  
Pocket Ninja, you're my hero.
 
2008-03-27 10:33:59 AM  
hard2bnice: Pocket Ninja:

It started out so promising, but the bestiality was yuck.


Oh, come on... Trunk job? If you can read about an elephant giving a hippo a trunk job without at least giggling quietly to yourself, you're... you're just made of stone, man!
 
2008-03-27 10:35:22 AM  
bglove25: houstondragon: Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:


"I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

/Whoa
//Good Bible

I like where this is going... but I am unfamiliar with the work. WHat movie is this from?


Robocop
 
2008-03-27 10:36:49 AM  
bglove25: houstondragon: Ya know, if more sermons were like this, they'd probably be swimming in converts:


"I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

/Whoa
//Good Bible

I like where this is going... but I am unfamiliar with the work. WHat movie is this from?


THORNBIRDS
 
2008-03-27 10:36:55 AM  
"Trunk Job"?

Ha!
 
2008-03-27 10:38:33 AM  
huuu: "Trunk Job"?

Ha!


Adds item to list of things todo (or receive) before I'm 50.
 
2008-03-27 10:43:12 AM  
So who's going to submit "trunk job" to Urban Dictionary?

/Pocket Ninja, your genius frightens me.
 
2008-03-27 10:43:42 AM  
REWORKED?
How can that be?
The Bible is by God!

You mean....there are different versions according to how the individual revisionist SPINS it?

GASP!!

What will all those True Believers do now?

/Thank God that never happened with teh Gospels!
 
2008-03-27 10:46:28 AM  
tortilla burger: meepozoid: Seems strange to me that a reverend, who should know this, is changing the stories so drastically. Something is fishy here.

Well, he's Anglican. Everyone knows they're not real Christians ;)


You're right, Anglicans aren't authentic card carrying loonies.
 
2008-03-27 10:49:25 AM  
Goliath was drunk??

www.bakedziti.net

"I don't know Daaavvvey."
 
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