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(Some Guy)   Farker Drjacabo's sister is getting married on Saturday, and he's been asked to give a toast, but he's got a block. So help the kid out. Voting enabled. Link goes nowhere   ( divider line
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91 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Oct 2002 at 1:32 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

170 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all

2002-10-22 01:59:40 PM  
To the Groom: She's one great piece of arse huh......

um, um..sorry mom.
2002-10-22 02:00:41 PM  
FeBolas you forgot cockring.
2002-10-22 02:01:02 PM  
My sister, ask for thyself another kingdom, for that which I leave is too small for thee.
2002-10-22 02:01:53 PM  
She offered her honor,He honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her
2002-10-22 02:01:55 PM  
Well, you know what old Jack Burton says when he has to make a toast:

Here's to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors, the colors that never run.
May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather.
2002-10-22 02:02:00 PM  
"Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember when we were in Puerto Rico and we picked up those 2, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying"
2002-10-22 02:02:09 PM  
"To show my love for you, I've done many things. I've 'fixed' the bathroom door lock. I've done your laundry for you. I've done your mammary check-up while you were too drunk to do it yourself. I installed the x10 camera in your shower to make sure you never slipped in the tub and were left for dead. But the hardest thing I've done is collect stories from you ex-boyfriends on your disregard for protection during sexual rendevous. Here are some of their stories...."
2002-10-22 02:02:49 PM  
"I'm sure you've all heard that urban legend about the groom who caught his best man sleeping with the bride, and instead of calling it off went through with the wedding, up to a point? He took pictures of the bride and bestman whilst in the act, put them in envelopes, and taped them to the bottom of everyone's chairs. Have you heard of this legend? Well I've got a revelation for you all."

Now at this point you can proceed in several directions, depending on your relation with both your sister and the groom:

#1) tell them you've been sleeping with the groom. Pictures are on the bottom of her chair. Tell her to ask for the shepherder position.

#2) shock everyone by telling them the bride and groom have been sleeping together before the wedding, and you have proof. have an envelope taped to a bottom of a chair.

#3) make any other stupid or obvious statement. "sis has been eating breakfast". Sis has been tormenting me for years. Especially if you can find pictures to go with it.

In any case, a nice addition to the gag is to have a envelope with pictures of her in it. The more embarassing the better, but don't go too far. Cute baby / young girl pictures would be good too.

good luck.
2002-10-22 02:04:09 PM  
May you both live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
(For when money goes out the window,
Love goes out the door.)
2002-10-22 02:04:46 PM  

Link goes nowhere - not TO Nowhere. You know, the town Courage the Cowardly Dog lives in. I think I'd get along well with his family.

From the awful movie Dragnet:
May you live as long as you want; but never want as long as you live.
2002-10-22 02:05:10 PM  
"May the happy couple live just as happily as well all know they did back at the Uni".

Best way to get kicked out of a relative's or friend's wedding. Ever.
2002-10-22 02:05:42 PM  
Here's to (his name), He was my cousin and now he is also my bro inlaw. All I want to say is take good care of my sister and our kids. Cheers.
2002-10-22 02:05:42 PM  
May all your ups and downs
come only in the bedroom.

2002-10-22 02:05:50 PM  
This is a day of both great happiness and great sadness. Happiness for my sister and her new husband, sadness for the (insert name of local sports team here.)
2002-10-22 02:06:07 PM  
Why do people come to FARK of all places for advice on stuff like this?
2002-10-22 02:06:10 PM  
Drjacabo ... seriously , just say whats in your heart . ( unless your NOT happy for your sis , then you have to lie )
it's HER DAY so be sweet , wish them a life time of happiness , tell your sis you love her then take a drink . ( fake a small sob and the crowd will all say Ahhhh )

/so says neeky
2002-10-22 02:06:16 PM  
Women! What could you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a farkin' genius. They say the hair is everything. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls, just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips. And when they touched yours were like the first swallow of wine after you just crossed the desert. Tits! Hoo-ahh! Big ones, little ones. Nipples, starin' right out at you. Like secret searchlights. Legs. I don't care if they're greek columns or secondhand Steinways, what's between 'em -- passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr. Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing -- pussy. Are you listening to me, son, I'm giving you pearls here!
[image from too old to be available]
Worked for me. Try it!
2002-10-22 02:06:18 PM  
I heard this one at an actual wedding a short time ago:

Hopefully all the ups and downs this marriage will have are in bed.
2002-10-22 02:06:57 PM  
Drjacabo: I coulda told you that it was a bad idea. Weddings and don't go together well.
2002-10-22 02:07:06 PM  
Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours
2002-10-22 02:07:38 PM  
Here's what one of my best men did to me at the reception:

1) Before wedding, purchase a large quantity of blank house keys from a hardware store.

2) Hand out said keys to various females of varying ages and degrees of attractiveness. It'd be a very good idea to verify that none of said females are related by blood to the groom. Bonus funny points for giving keys to large burly men. Don't tell recipients of keys what they are for; just tell them they'll know what to do with them when the time comes.

3) Get all sentimental during speech. Tell groom, "now that you're marrying my sister, you better not misbehave, and I don't want anyone cheating on her. So I'm going to have to ask anyone out there that has a key to [groom]'s house to give it back to him now."

4) Hilarity ensues.

The funniest moment of my life was when my cousin's husband, a large burly black man, handed me (scrawny pale white guy) a "key" to my "house."
2002-10-22 02:08:03 PM  
"Like all the greatest love songs, this toast will be short and sweet: To the bride and groom, cheers!"

It's easy, it's true, and it's by me. I used it with some embellishments just last year. I prefaced it with threats of bad poetry, dirty limericks, and embarrassing anecdotes and then let them off the hook. It went over well enough.

(Damn, if anyone I know sees this post, my cover will be blown!)
2002-10-22 02:09:32 PM  
my first reaction was "RUN!" but the toast occurs after the wedding, when it's far too late, so:

May Joy and Peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And Happiness be with you now
And bless you evermore.

May your troubles be less, And your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness come through your door.
2002-10-22 02:09:36 PM  
Sockmonkeyhead - yours takes the cake, IMHO.

I got nothing to add. :-(
2002-10-22 02:09:36 PM  
Here's to women, fair creature devine.
Blossoms once a month, bears fruit in nine.
The only creature this side of Hell,
that can extract juice from nuts
without cracking the shell
2002-10-22 02:11:58 PM  
god I'm so drunk... did I tell you about the time my sister was having a bath...
2002-10-22 02:12:22 PM  
"Wow, I never thought this day would come - growing up with her, I always thought she was a dyke. Well, shiat... here ya go"
2002-10-22 02:12:24 PM  
"Wow, I never thought this day would come - growing up with her, I always thought she was a dyke. Well, shiat... here ya go"
2002-10-22 02:12:27 PM  
Um, when my new brother-in-law Harold asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I was like "Of course, man, 'cause
you've always been there for me."

Like when I was in rehab and uh, like the time I couldn't find my car...

'cause Harold, you know, he's always been
the dependable one and I've always been the screwed-up one,
right, Dad?

Why can't you be more like your new brother-in-law? Uh, Harold would never beat up his landlord!

But, uh, little news flash, Pop. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those
two, Uh, well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember payin'

They'll be divorced in a year.
2002-10-22 02:12:38 PM  
Rub-a-dub dub
Thanks fer the grub.
2002-10-22 02:12:38 PM  
Dr .Love - Greatest Toast ever, man.
2002-10-22 02:13:26 PM  
I Just made it so the website in my kazaa lite is fark when it loads up. it r00lz j00!11 @;^O
2002-10-22 02:13:37 PM  
Congratulations farker, now you get the ultimate prize--the Third Input! right honey?
2002-10-22 02:15:48 PM  
search google for "wedding toasts", or wedding toast generators.
2002-10-22 02:16:20 PM  
oh, and i will also post what i eventually end up saying.
2002-10-22 02:16:54 PM  
If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything, because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways to can't possibly imagine!
2002-10-22 02:17:40 PM  

OK, I heard this one at a wedding...

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And, until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Feel free to change that to "allah" or "satan" depending on your circumstances.

And my father in law told me this (at my rehearsal dinner)

"There are two words that are the secret to a long and happy marriage. Yes Dear."
2002-10-22 02:17:58 PM  
If I could say few words...I would be a better public speaker!

Abraham Lincoln: It's not the amount of years in your life but the amount of life in your years
2002-10-22 02:18:35 PM  
/italian poem

Aqua fresca

Vina puro

Fica shtretta

Katse duro !

Chin Chin !

/atrocious Italian spelling

Translation :

Cool water
Pure wine
Tight coont
Hard dick
Cheers !

Hmmm...sounds a lot better in Italian.
2002-10-22 02:19:00 PM  
An oldie
"Here's champagne to our true friends,
and True pain to our sham friends"

courtesy Spider Robinson,
"Callahan's Series"
2002-10-22 02:19:38 PM  
An oldie
"Here's champagne to our true friends,
and True pain to our sham friends"

courtesy Spider Robinson,
"Callahan's Series"

Now with more Voting!!
2002-10-22 02:20:05 PM  
This guy is such a class act, he even gave her a pearl necklace on the first date! what a catch.
2002-10-22 02:20:30 PM  
I found this on a web site. Enjoy!

Good evening everyone and welcome to the celebration of (xx years) of marriage of (Partners' name). My name is (insert name) and it is with great pleasure that I have accepted this invitation to address you at this ********* ******* *** ***** ** *** *** **** *** ** ********** ******* ******* *** ******** **** * ** **** ** ***** *** **** ** *** ** **** ** ******* **** ****** **** *** **** ***** ** * **** ** ** ****** ** ********** ***** ******* **** * *********** ** *** **** *** ***** **** *** ** *** ******* ********* ** *** **** **** **** ** ****** ********* ****** ** ***** ************ ************ **** ****** ********* **** ******* **** ** *** ****** *** ******** *** **** **** ************ ***** ********* ***** *** ***** **** *** *********** ******** ** **** ************************* ****** * * ** * ******************************************* **

In the early days, if I can use that phrase, when the rest of us were ***** ************ *** ***** *********** ** *********** ***** **** ** **** ** *** **** **** *** ********** **** *** ********* ***** **** **** ***** **** ******* ********* ** * ***** ************ **** *********** **** ******* ********* ***** ********* ********* *** ******* ******* *** ***** **** *** ******** ****** ******* **** ******** ******** ** ******** ** ******* *** ************** *** **** **** **** **** **** *** ***** ** ** *************** **** ** ***** *******

In preparing for this toast I began reflecting on the successful life that (Partner's names) have ****** ***************** *** ***** **** ************* *** ******** *** ************* ********* **** *** **** ********* *********** ***** * ***** **** ** ***** ********** ***** ******** ***** *** ********* ******* ******* * **** **** *** * *** ** ** **** ***** ******* ** * *******

In their relationship, (Partner's names) have used this energy to their advantage. At times when they **** ****** ** ***** ** ***** ************ ** **** ** ********* ** ***** ***** ** **** ** ***** **** **** ********* ** **** ****** ************** ** ** *** *** **** ** *** ***** ******* ***** **** *** **** ******** ** ******** ************* **** ***** ***** *** ** ************* ********** **** *** ********* ***** **** ******* ** **** ******** *** ** *** **** ******* ******** *********** ********** **** *** *** ** **** *************** **** **** *** ********** **** *** * ****** ** *************

It is not a trendy word "commitment". In modern society "commitment" is not a catch-phrase ** ** ***** ** ******** *** **** *** *** ******** ** * ************ *************** ** ** ******* **** *** ******** **** ** *** *********** ************ ***** *** ****** ***** ** ***** ***** ******* ********* *** **** ** *** **** **** *********** **** **** **** *************** **** ****** **** **** ******* **** ********** **** **** ********* *** *** *** **** *** *** **** *** *** ******** ** ****** **** **** *********** ***************************

Your union has been and will continue to be a happy one. You have shared **** **** *********** **** **** *** *** *** **** **** ****** ****** *** **** **** **** ******* *** ****** *** ****** **** ******* ** ******** **** **** *** **** ***************** **** ****** ** ***** **** *** ***** * **************** ******* ** *** **** **** **** ********** ****** *** ********* ****** ****** ** ** * ***** *** *********** ******* ** ********** **** *** ********* *****
2002-10-22 02:20:41 PM  
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
2002-10-22 02:20:45 PM  
I really do appreciate
the fact that you're sitting here.
Your voice sounds so wonderful,
but your face don't look too clear
So barmaid bring another pitcher,
another round of brew,
Honey, why don't we get drunk, and screw?

Barring that:

May you be poor in misfortune
Rich in blessings
Slow to make enemies
Quick to make friends
But rich or poor, quick or slow,
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
2002-10-22 02:21:37 PM  
I like this passage from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. His work is always so serene:

On Marriage
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
2002-10-22 02:21:54 PM  
voting enabled

This guy is such a class act, he even gave her a pearl necklace on the first date! what a catch.
2002-10-22 02:22:53 PM  
Seventeen allowed,
but five sum it up just fine:
2002-10-22 02:23:50 PM  
You should close with this:

"Oh yeah and if you ever hit her I will farking kill you with my bare hands. But before that I'cut off yourr dick and feed it to you"

That should go over well don't you think?
2002-10-22 02:26:49 PM  
And you can always pepper it up with some Latin phrases to make you sound more sophisticated:

Non serus matrimonium fugias.

Translation: It's not too late to back out.
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