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(Wall Street Journal)   One determined writer takes on one of life's most interesting questions: "Could a morbidly obese goalie shut out an NHL team?"   (online.wsj.com) divider line 207
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30116 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Dec 2007 at 1:18 PM (7 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-12-17 11:05:18 AM  
William Pene DuBois knows the answer.

/loved that book as a kid
//Beat the Queen!
 
2007-12-17 12:30:55 PM  
as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


/ok, i still wonder
 
2007-12-17 12:34:27 PM  
Also, would a baseball team full of midgets be the best team ever? The strike zone would be so close to the ground, it's almost impossible to get a strike.
 
2007-12-17 12:38:15 PM  
I'm sure that there is a rule somewhere that a player has to go onto the ice under his own power. Towing a huge lump of humanity out behind the Zamboni & dumping it all over the crease probably is frowned upon.

Besides, you couldn't possibly cover that blob with pads everywhere. Aim for the exposed spots & make him leave because of injury.

It's good to have these things to ponder rather than actually doing any work today....

/me too GoGoGo, me too...
 
2007-12-17 01:21:53 PM  

Chaos Theory


Also, would a baseball team full of midgets be the best team ever? The strike zone would be so close to the ground, it's almost impossible to get a strike.


But if anyone got a hit, he would need to take three to four times as many steps to reach each base.
 
2007-12-17 01:22:37 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


/ok, i still wonder


You would need to hire a guy good at the hammer throw also.
 
2007-12-17 01:24:10 PM  
Sonds like an Adam and his Package song.
 
2007-12-17 01:24:18 PM  
TFA: Once everything was set, I threw the suit in a rented white molester van

A rented white what?!

/don't get out much
 
2007-12-17 01:24:32 PM  
Chaos Theory: Also, would a baseball team full of midgets be the best team ever? The strike zone would be so close to the ground, it's almost impossible to get a strike.

It's against the rules now after this stunt happened:

espn.go.com
 
2007-12-17 01:24:42 PM  
Chaos Theory: Also, would a baseball team full of midgets be the best team ever? The strike zone would be so close to the ground, it's almost impossible to get a strike.

someone tried that back in the day.
images.dawgsports.com
 
2007-12-17 01:24:55 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone

IIRC, it's illegal.

As for the question in the headline- West Wing staffer Sam Seaborn wondered the same thing.
 
2007-12-17 01:25:47 PM  
shakes midget fist at Craig341
 
2007-12-17 01:25:57 PM  
It could work!

videodetective.com
 
2007-12-17 01:26:06 PM  
Wondered the same thing myself many times. Just have the rest of the team push his fata$$ out there and you win!


As for the baseball/midget thing, it would be fun to see because baseball (at least the AL) passsed a rule barring midgets after the Eddie Gaddell (spelling?) incident. The lawsuits alone would be worth it!
 
2007-12-17 01:26:26 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


/ok, i still wonder


There are rules in football against launching your teammates.
 
2007-12-17 01:26:29 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


/ok, i still wonder


I think it's actually an illegal use of hands or generic unsportsmanlike conduct penalty to assist the runner in a way other than blocking. I'd think dwarf tossing would qualify.

But I could be wrong.
 
2007-12-17 01:26:57 PM  
Cowboy Spencer
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone

IIRC, it's illegal.


Illegal how? Is there actually a rule against throwing another player in possession of the ball?
 
2007-12-17 01:27:35 PM  
that article is pretty damm funny
 
2007-12-17 01:28:10 PM  
I'm just here to say I was amused by the phrase "white molester van" in the article.
 
2007-12-17 01:28:16 PM  
Ah, but what about a midget goalie?
 
2007-12-17 01:29:00 PM  
Gump Worsley answers that question with an empathic "Yes!"

/not a beer belly
//only drank scotch
 
2007-12-17 01:29:00 PM  
superoogie: Is there actually a rule against throwing another player in possession of the ball?

I think there is ... I'll check. (I think it's carrying, or lifting off the ground)
 
2007-12-17 01:29:18 PM  
submitter: "Could a morbidly obese goalie shut out an NHL team?"

DNRTFA, but the answer is no, of course not.

I am always amused by the "why no sumo goalies?" question from non-hockey fans. The answer is that no matter how fat someone is, they do not cover a 24 square foot rectangular area. It's just not physically possible. And considering that said fatso would probably be slow as hell and have horrible reaction time, he would not be able to cover the holes that would still be there.

There are some large goalies, but it's worth noting that some of the best goalies in the game are thin wiry guys who are really quick and have lightning reflexes.
 
2007-12-17 01:29:51 PM  
upload.wikimedia.org

My Pick For a NHL Goalie, once you pad him up he'll be unstoppable.
 
2007-12-17 01:31:03 PM  
Very funny article, everyone who hasn't read it yet really should, even if you don't like hockey. In fact, especially if you don't like hockey.
 
2007-12-17 01:32:59 PM  
Big Show? How about Big Daddy V?

i166.photobucket.com
 
2007-12-17 01:33:32 PM  
Really what you need is a huge guy who is also a above-the-knee double amputee because then you don't even have to worry about the puck going between his legs. He could still wear skates on his stumps. At least that is the conclusion I reached with my friends a week or two ago while watching a hockey game.
 
2007-12-17 01:33:52 PM  
I can't watch baseball... you know what baseball needs? Trees. I'll watch if they add some trees.
 
2007-12-17 01:34:02 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


This is specifically forbidden by NFL rules under "Use of Hands, Arms, and Body (new window)", otherwise, football would have developed into some form of midget-tossing with helmets and pads.

/the more you know...
 
2007-12-17 01:35:29 PM  
Caps winger Matt Bradley seemed bothered as a particularly good wrister was easily stopped, while Trevor kept complaining about his inability to lift his arms or breathe.

The mental image of this damn near sent my soup nasal-ward...
 
2007-12-17 01:35:31 PM  
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone...

It works in Blood Bowl.

/My nerdiness. Let me show it to you!
 
2007-12-17 01:37:28 PM  
Wow, that was actually a pretty funny article.

FARK must be broken or something.
 
2007-12-17 01:37:44 PM  
Why does the thought of morbidly obese man being pounded over and over again by pucks as he screams in slow moving pain make me laugh so hard?
 
2007-12-17 01:38:05 PM  
you may want to avoid googling 'midget tossing'.


i216.photobucket.com
...desires a shot with your local NFL team.
 
2007-12-17 01:38:19 PM  
FTA: "...And if that was my skin instead of padding I would be in the emergency room or dead right now." Pussy.

i like how they use the word "pussy" in a news article
 
2007-12-17 01:39:03 PM  
The author sounds a lot like Dave Barry.
 
2007-12-17 01:39:20 PM  
Here's my question (slightly) related.

When time is ticking down, and there's like 10-20 seconds on the clock, why don't they stack all/most of the players in front of the goal, including the goalie? Almost every square inch would be taken up. Why hasn't that been tried? Sortof like the soccer goofballs who line up in front of free kicks, cupping their balls. I mean, if it's a playoff game and you're ahead by a goal, and the faceoff is in your end, wouldn't this make sense? I can't even count the number of goals I've seen where there's under a minute, there's a faceoff in their end, and they wind up scoring. If everyone (maybe minus the faceoff guy) is stacked in front of the goal, there's no way there's enough room for the puck to go in.

/back to pondering
 
2007-12-17 01:40:11 PM  
i bet they could if they got to use one piece of furniture once a week.
 
2007-12-17 01:40:19 PM  
That article is genius!

I'm chuckling at my desk while filing paper work to OSHA, people really have concerns about my mental well being.
 
2007-12-17 01:41:06 PM  
He misspelled Zdeno Chara and I stopped reading.
 
2007-12-17 01:42:36 PM  
FTFA: "You're kind of a sitting duck in net like that. And if that was my skin instead of padding I would be in the emergency room or dead right now." Pussy.


The word "pu$$y" (not sure if the FarkFilter cares) appears in the Wall Street Journal?

 
2007-12-17 01:42:39 PM  
superoogie: Illegal how? Is there actually a rule against throwing another player in possession of the ball?

Illegal use of hands covers this one, as it would also technically make the person doing the catching an illegal receiver as well.
 
2007-12-17 01:42:49 PM  
...Kris Beech had an even more depressing comment for our new star: "You might spear him and see if chocolate came out."

Had this been an actual 1,000-pound man instead of an athletic goalie in a fat suit, the game would have been called on account of fatness.


Awesome.
 
2007-12-17 01:43:24 PM  
jck_strw: why don't they stack all/most of the players in front of the goal, including the goalie?

There are rules for who can and cannot enter the goal zone.
 
2007-12-17 01:44:09 PM  
superoogie: Illegal how? Is there actually a rule against throwing another player in possession of the ball?

I believe that's covered by the "leverage" rule. It's the same rule that states you can't jump off a lineman's back to block a kick. Fifteen yard penalty.
 
2007-12-17 01:44:16 PM  
superoogie: Cowboy Spencer
GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone

IIRC, it's illegal.

Illegal how? Is there actually a rule against throwing another player in possession of the ball?


Remember the USC/Notre Dame game a couple years ago when people were biatching about Leinart shoving his teammate into the end zone for the winning score? That's because throwing/shoving/tossing/etc. your teammate forward is illegal in football.
 
2007-12-17 01:44:22 PM  
Doc Daneeka: submitter: "Could a morbidly obese goalie shut out an NHL team?"

DNRTFA, but the answer is no, of course not.

I am always amused by the "why no sumo goalies?" question from non-hockey fans. The answer is that no matter how fat someone is, they do not cover a 24 square foot rectangular area. It's just not physically possible. And considering that said fatso would probably be slow as hell and have horrible reaction time, he would not be able to cover the holes that would still be there.

There are some large goalies, but it's worth noting that some of the best goalies in the game are thin wiry guys who are really quick and have lightning reflexes.


This is what I was thinking initially, but in reading the article I realized he meant massively fat guys who would actually fill the entire net. I think in the end he determined that it would take a 2000 lbs man to completely fill a net with no holes.
 
2007-12-17 01:44:29 PM  
Chaos Theory: Also, would a baseball team full of midgets be the best team ever?

Related true story:
Sometimes I select my pr0n based on the fact it is full of chicks with tig ol' biddies.
 
2007-12-17 01:44:33 PM  
Alex Chilton: GoGoGo: as a kid, i always wondered why the NFL teams didnt just hire a midget to hold onto the ball while a few other players tossed him into the endzone....


/ok, i still wonder

There are rules in football against launching your teammates.


Is that under "giving them the business?"
 
2007-12-17 01:45:49 PM  
Read the article, y'all. It's a good one, for once.
 
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