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(NYPost)   Is your marriage sexless? Then you're not alone, so to speak   (nypost.com) divider line 303
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29477 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Dec 2007 at 1:56 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-12-16 04:25:50 PM  
coloclone: So... As a younger guy is it true that young women [When they're hot] have no/little sex drive and when they're older [Not as hot] is when they're the horniest?

Unfair?


Can't speak for anyone else, but it has been true for me. In my teens and twenties I was doing it because it's the expected thing to do. It's much different now.

Unfair? I don't know. My husband is ten years older than I, and he doesn't appear to be slowing down. So don't fret about that too much.
 
2007-12-16 04:27:48 PM  
It is really sad how couples go sexless. Wife and I are the same way and I had several friends where their marriage is also sexless.

Sad part is now at in my uppers 30's it is easiler to get laid than when I was younger. Why lots of woman where the husband will not have sex. Got busted once and thought the marriage was over, we worked out or so I thought. Now back in same situation as before and YES, I did everything she asked me to do to encourge her to have sex. Nothing. One would think that if your guy cheated once before, you would note that going 2 years of giving only excauses would only make him start cheating again.

The worst part is like most comments here, I have a great sex life as long as wife does not know.
 
2007-12-16 04:29:55 PM  
ciocia:

No, women are harsh on individual women, or groups of women

and taken at a macro level, in real world terms, it amounts to pretty much the same thing , ymmv, but to me it really isnt a far stretch



But you are right about the threads. Fark has a higher concentration of bitter folks with gripes



dont take everything you see on these boards as a statistical sample for actual research, especially of nerd who turn down women who rate 8's & 9's in real life as being subhuman biological mistakes :-p

TheWrongTrousers: if anyone has an experience with a bf or husband that eventually regained his sex drive, let me know

personally, these issues are discussed from time to time on TotalFark, and some really great folks chime in to help. if youre up for it, try dropping a fiver & sign up & post an advice thread - many will help. if not , good luck either way :-)
 
2007-12-16 04:33:17 PM  
guys, hint hint, with a few exceptions, women feel sexy when they feel special. it's not all about you.
 
2007-12-16 04:33:25 PM  
ARGH it took away my pic

here's what i was trying to add ciocia

img152.imageshack.us
 
2007-12-16 04:36:56 PM  
itdood: guys, hint hint, with a few exceptions, women feel sexy when they feel special. it's not all about you.

itdood I think you're special (as long as you're a hot chick)
 
2007-12-16 04:40:11 PM  
at80eighty:

A truer cartoon was never printed.

Reminds me of the Youtube re: computer thread business meetings:
(NSFW)
Link (new window)
 
2007-12-16 04:43:16 PM  
BCP = low female libido
depression = low female libido
TMJ = no beej

BCP + depression + TMJ = sexless
 
2007-12-16 04:44:27 PM  
Divorce is a beautiful thing.
 
2007-12-16 04:46:16 PM  
WhatTheFoobies: d you marry someone you didn't really know all that well or did you marry someone you thought you knew and turned out entirely different? Did the person actively work to fool you prior to marriage, or were you just making far-reaching assumptions without really stopping to think about what the other person was really like?


In my case I thought I knew him, then as soon as we were married his insecurities really came out and he became possessive, defensive, and angry. He thought I was "bought and paid for", so he didn't have to put any effort into the relationship. Hey, maybe I changed, too, but if I changed I only became more confident and less willing to settle for unhappiness just for a bullshiat idea of "stability" that he couldn't really even offer.

/happily single.. friends with benefits ftw!
 
2007-12-16 04:47:22 PM  
vincentpriceisdead: I'm a girl who still has libido or something

How YOU doin? ;)
 
2007-12-16 04:50:36 PM  
My experience after 11 years of marriage and three kids? Married sex waxes and wanes in frequency and quality.

Sometimes you're getting it on four or five times a week, but the quality is only so-so. Sometimes you hit new heights of ecstacy when you get down and dirty after three months of going without. Sometimes you hit a rhythm for a few months of once or twice a week and both of you are smiling and satisfied.

I think any study worth a damn would have to cover at least five years of marriage to have anything worthwhile to report.

/Marry a friend
//who likes sex
 
2007-12-16 04:57:09 PM  
Somacandra: /I gotta go take a nap, since sleep is the interest payment of life towards death.

I like it and couldn't agree more.
 
2007-12-16 04:58:11 PM  
ciocia: Link (new window

good stuff :-)

off to bed - friggin 2am
 
2007-12-16 05:00:46 PM  
at80eighty: give me doughnuts: 2) A sense of humor

its true. she makes my 'funny people list' in my own profile & the people in that are some of Fark's finest. she's incredibly sharp & quick witted & believe me , she can charm your pants off with her words alone

/that'll be $5 & a reverse cowgirl , Gladgirl


Oh HUSH, you. You're making me blush. And a little aroused. I'm afraid I can only give you tree-fitty and a doggystyle, though. I done gone and hurt my back.
 
2007-12-16 05:04:06 PM  
cheshirecatsmileyface: hell, the idea that our sex life might get less frequent when we have kids is actually a pretty compelling reason for me to not have kids.

Taught school for a while between other jobs & after dating women with kids & seeing the demon spawn some of these "parents" are having...was the best $45 I ever spent with my medical insurance to get myself fixed.

Wedding vows should be changed to...even if you can have kids...doesn't mean you should. Look at how farked up you are by even thinking you would make a good parent & you're thinking of breeding.
 
2007-12-16 05:07:12 PM  
Is your marriage sexless? Then you're not alone, so to speak your wife is getting it from someone else.

FTFY
 
2007-12-16 05:13:13 PM  
coloclone: So... As a younger guy is it true that young women [When they're hot] have no/little sex drive and when they're older [Not as hot] is when they're the horniest?

Unfair?


My wife and I have pretty much been together for 20 years. Other than when we were horny, early-20-somethings, her libido has been on the increase over the last several years (now 40). Can't complain.

/Loves my MILF.
 
2007-12-16 05:15:56 PM  
Been married for eleven years. Sex has been widely variable in frequency from year-to-year, and essentially stopped about four years ago (grad school, etc.). She just completely lost interest. She kept saying that it wasn't anything to do with me, but even when she wasn't tired from full-time school and a full-time teaching job, sex was the last thing she was interested in.

She went off of Depo-Provera earlier this year, and in the last few months-- after the Depo cleared out of her system-- things have become good again, except for the fact that we're limited by the lack of birth control (pill messes her up, too). Her doctor had told her about the side effects, but the difference in her level of interest post-Depo is pretty amazing.

Guys, if your lady starts seriously losing interest, look at the birth control she's on. That might be part of the problem.
 
2007-12-16 05:17:08 PM  
What happened to choice..

Last time... she got a little too carried away
with that strap-on..?


DRT
 
2007-12-16 05:26:10 PM  
for the first time in 8 months of dating this girl yesterday we did not have sex, and it wasnt because she was on her period.

it was because i was too tired. im so worried now!

/not really
//once exams are over im investing in a little blue pill, some handcuffs, and a big ole bottle of ky
///maybe some barry manilo too, for variety's sake
////cant wait
 
2007-12-16 05:30:17 PM  
Married guy here, 4 years. Sex isn't as frequent as it was before the marriage, but I still get some at least twice a week.

Also, my wife likes giving blowjobs. She really does. Sometimes during foreplay I'll be going down on her, or using my fingers, and I'll sense that she's close to the "big O" and I'll just stick it in her mouth. 9 times out of 10, this pushes her over the edge into orgasm territory.

/now if only I could get her to feel the same way about buttsecks
 
2007-12-16 05:30:18 PM  
You don't want to end up in a sexless marriage? Then don't get married!

Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to be legally bound to another person for any reason? Once the deed is done, most people will simply elect to tolerate the unpleasantries of their contractual obligations to one another because the trouble of affording and coordinating a divorce is more trouble than its worth. Once either of you starts using sex as a bargaining chip, you're both screwed.

Instead, stay single and enjoy. If you manage to land a keeper, you can keep them in "keeper" condition by leaving the possibility of one day "going away" on them open. If you really matter that much, they won't dare try upsetting the balance.

And if all else fails, the consequences of the relationship ending are minor short of a stalking and a restraining order...
 
2007-12-16 05:33:04 PM  
The_Gallant_Gallstone: derekdoubleut: Look, I'm all for people choosing to do what they want. However, I'm getting sick of people saying marriage is "artificial", and "unnatural."
How can we substantiate this when all of human history has some form of marriage?

That's simple. All of human history has been recorded under the auspices of civilization. ... We are at an age now where the framework of traditional marriage is no longer needed to maintain civilized society. ...


You've obviously never taken care of a group of preschoolers. No society, my friend, is ever more than 20 years away from total extinction.

There are many natural instincts in humans. There is no such thing as a "civilization" instinct.
 
2007-12-16 05:34:22 PM  
The_Gallant_Gallstone: We question the motives, dedication and intelligence of the people who enter marriages that fail, but we never question the institution itself.

Marriage, a life-time bond between two people, flies in the face of human nature. It's an artifical institution and inimical to the evolution of most people.


95% of what we do every day is because of our commitment to "society" and is inimical to our primal urges. Why don't we all just defecate on the ground? That's what we'd be doing in the wild. We don't we just kill and steal? That's the animal way of doing things and it would speed up our evolution. Why have government, jobs, anything modern?

I'm sorry, but that's such a stupid argument. Marriage helps raise kids properly and therefore helps stabilize society.
 
2007-12-16 05:39:39 PM  
Sexless
/at least I'm not alone
... wait what?
 
2007-12-16 05:43:24 PM  
Sexless relationships FTL. I've been with a guy for a little more than two years. Up until about four months ago (when we moved in together, coincidentally), our sex life was fairly regular. We would get it on 4-6 times a month and we were both cool with that.

Now it's nothing. If I try to initiate, he has a stomach ache. He never tries to initiate sex.

I guess moving in together is pretty much gay marriage, such as it is. We're supposed to have the kink built right in, but it doesn't always work out that way.
 
2007-12-16 05:44:51 PM  
mmagdalene: Newsflash: women can't be your mommies and your sex goddesses at the same time - it's farking creepy. How 'bout you load the dishwasher and pick up your socks and send your own mother a birthday card without being asked? This kind of second shift resentment is what kills women's sex drive.

And men are too farking stupid to realize that.....
 
2007-12-16 05:46:42 PM  
Bones3D_mac: You don't want to end up in a sexless marriage? Then don't get married!

Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to be legally bound to another person for any reason? Once the deed is done, most people will simply elect to tolerate the unpleasantries of their contractual obligations to one another because the trouble of affording and coordinating a divorce is more trouble than its worth. Once either of you starts using sex as a bargaining chip, you're both screwed.

Instead, stay single and enjoy. If you manage to land a keeper, you can keep them in "keeper" condition by leaving the possibility of one day "going away" on them open. If you really matter that much, they won't dare try upsetting the balance.

And if all else fails, the consequences of the relationship ending are minor short of a stalking and a restraining order...


I agree with you 99%. The 1% reservation is if you want to raise kids, in which case marriage is the only way to do it properly.
 
2007-12-16 06:04:45 PM  
Burt Scursey: There are many natural instincts in humans. There is no such thing as a "civilization" instinct.

I don't argue that we are inherently civilized. All I'm saying is that it doesn't take the traditional, nuclear family to bring up civilized children anymore.

Can'tLetYouDoThatStarFox: Marriage helps raise kids properly and therefore helps stabilize society.

I disagree. A happy, single parent is better for an child than being exposed to a marriage in which both parents are miserable and hateful. Besides, what is the "proper" way to raise a child anyway?
 
2007-12-16 06:05:38 PM  
jaldor: Married guy here, 4 years. Sex isn't as frequent as it was before the marriage, but I still get some at least twice a week.

Also, my wife likes giving blowjobs. She really does. Sometimes during foreplay I'll be going down on her, or using my fingers, and I'll sense that she's close to the "big O" and I'll just stick it in her mouth. 9 times out of 10, this pushes her over the edge into orgasm territory.


Well, if you are going down on her and using foreplay, no wonder she likes BJs. You're a giver as well as a taker. Beer4breakfast, are you taking notes?
 
2007-12-16 06:08:50 PM  
Bones3d_Mac:
If you manage to land a keeper, you can keep them in "keeper" condition by leaving the possibility of one day "going away" on them open. If you really matter that much, they won't dare try upsetting the balance.


Yeah, and if they are very insecure and have zero self-esteem they will tolerate the threat of abandonment well.
 
2007-12-16 06:13:04 PM  
Fluff Girl: cheshirecatsmileyface:

hell, the idea that our sex life might get less frequent when we have kids is actually a pretty compelling reason for me to not have kids.

I used to worry about that. Now, since it appears that I am unable to have kids, I don't guess I'll ever have to find out. I've seen it happen to a couple of my friends. Ugh.


WHATEVER. Can you not weigh in every so often? k thx bye
 
2007-12-16 06:15:10 PM  
Rose Red: WHATEVER. Can you not weigh in every so often? k thx bye

I can haz katfite?
 
2007-12-16 06:15:15 PM  
Ima4nic8or: Sad to say I can somewhat relate. The wife just doesnt do it for me the way she used to. I blame marriage and children. Prior to that crap it was exciting. Seeing multiple women, figuring out how schedule things so that they never saw each other, etc.. The wife was always a bit plump and not particularly gorgeous but I had other women that were, so no biggie. Now that it is just her and I, and there is no adventure/game to it, its just boring. I wank it to porn more often than I bother getting any stink from her.

Problem.
 
2007-12-16 06:16:31 PM  
The_Gallant_Gallstone:I disagree. A happy, single parent is better for an child than being exposed to a marriage in which both parents are miserable and hateful. Besides, what is the "proper" way to raise a child anyway?

That doesn't address my point. Abolishing marriage as an institution would get rid of all of the happy marriages as well, which are statistically the best setup for raising happy and healthy kids. Marriage serves an important purpose in society which is raising kids in a proper environment. Proper means many things, some subjective, but many of them objective like happy and successful. You can successfully raise kids as a single parent too, but it's a heck of a lot harder and your chances of success go down.
 
2007-12-16 06:17:22 PM  
beer4breakfast: Ok, married guys, I need some honest advice. This whole 'doesn't give BJs' after marriage thing is starting to scare me... Can I please hear a sound off from married guys on this?

I'm not a married man, but a woman who has been married 10+ years, and I really enjoy giving BJs. It makes me feel sexy and in charge. My antidepressants have really squelched my libido, but it's something I can do for my husband so he's satisfied and I don't have to try to get "in the mood." It puts me there.
 
2007-12-16 06:22:10 PM  
TheWrongTrousers: Boy, this is timely.

I'm not married but I've been with someone for 8 years now. We've gone through brief periods where his or my sex drive dropped significantly, but it always managed to bounce back.
But now...since last winter, we've had sex maybe 5-7 times. He's still extremely affectionate, always wanting to hug and kiss, but zero activity downstairs.
In the spring I began to get alarmed, in the summer, I started to really question him on what was going on, and in the fall I started to get extremely bitter and depressed. He kept claiming that he thought I was sexy and beautiful and things would change "soon".
His job stress has been high this year, so I was willingly to let him take some time and ease back into things. Now this excuse isn't holding water anymore. Shouldn't he want to relieve some stress with sex instead of avoiding it?
We share a computer and I found his porn stash in July or August. Porn is fine, EXCEPT when you totally deny your gf any sex and use it instead of her. I told him he couldn't use my computer anymore.
Last week was the breaking point and I told him he needed to get help or we needed to end this. A few days later, I asked him if he'd made a dr's appointment. Nope. It's been a week and so far, no effort.
It looks like this is going to end soon, and it's really sad. We get along spectacularly and we're very close and affectionate. However, a sexless relationship makes me sexually frustrated and is damaging my self esteem.
I would love to save this relationship..if anyone has an experience with a bf or husband that eventually regained his sex drive, let me know.


I don't want to further depress you, but my gut tells me your guy is being entertained elsewhere. Unless there's a physical reason he is no longer interested in sex. Either way, you're feeling hurt and rejected, and if things don't improve, then your resentment will only build. If you live together, then I'd suggest one of you move out so you can get some distance between you to think about what's going on. Maybe he doesn't know how to end it?
 
2007-12-16 06:22:25 PM  
Can'tLetYouDoThatStarFox: The_Gallant_Gallstone:I disagree. A happy, single parent is better for an child than being exposed to a marriage in which both parents are miserable and hateful. Besides, what is the "proper" way to raise a child anyway?

That doesn't address my point. Abolishing marriage as an institution would get rid of all of the happy marriages as well, which are statistically the best setup for raising happy and healthy kids. Marriage serves an important purpose in society which is raising kids in a proper environment. Proper means many things, some subjective, but many of them objective like happy and successful. You can successfully raise kids as a single parent too, but it's a heck of a lot harder and your chances of success go down.


That's because it takes a lot of energy to have one person do what 2 can do. All alone, your kids can gang up on you in matters of discipline and creation of rules and order. If you have a united front, you can muster the energy and will to raise them. Also, two parents are a good economic unit, as opposed to one parent who does both the child care and wage earning. But it does drain energy from the nookie.
 
2007-12-16 06:33:59 PM  
mmagdalene: Newsflash: women can't be your mommies and your sex goddesses at the same time - it's farking creepy. How 'bout you load the dishwasher and pick up your socks and send your own mother a birthday card without being asked? This kind of second shift resentment is what kills women's sex drive.

Yep.
 
2007-12-16 06:36:51 PM  
TheWrongTrousers: Boy, this is timely.

I'm not married but I've been with someone for 8 years now. We've gone through brief periods where his or my sex drive dropped significantly, but it always managed to bounce back.
But now...since last winter, we've had sex maybe 5-7 times. He's still extremely affectionate, always wanting to hug and kiss, but zero activity downstairs.
In the spring I began to get alarmed, in the summer, I started to really question him on what was going on, and in the fall I started to get extremely bitter and depressed. He kept claiming that he thought I was sexy and beautiful and things would change "soon".
His job stress has been high this year, so I was willingly to let him take some time and ease back into things. Now this excuse isn't holding water anymore. Shouldn't he want to relieve some stress with sex instead of avoiding it?
We share a computer and I found his porn stash in July or August. Porn is fine, EXCEPT when you totally deny your gf any sex and use it instead of her. I told him he couldn't use my computer anymore.
Last week was the breaking point and I told him he needed to get help or we needed to end this. A few days later, I asked him if he'd made a dr's appointment. Nope. It's been a week and so far, no effort.
It looks like this is going to end soon, and it's really sad. We get along spectacularly and we're very close and affectionate. However, a sexless relationship makes me sexually frustrated and is damaging my self esteem.
I would love to save this relationship..if anyone has an experience with a bf or husband that eventually regained his sex drive, let me know.


Sorry, hon. Sincerely.
 
2007-12-16 06:38:01 PM  
Five Frozen Fish Fingers: I haven't had sex in 15 to 20 years. Maybe longer.

Amateurs.


Username????
 
2007-12-16 06:45:33 PM  
Can'tLetYouDoThatStarFox: Ok, to summarize the facts:

Susan Yager-Berkowitz (I'll ignore the hyphen) is a "scientist" who decides to "get the other side of the story" on sexless marriages. She says that women are too often blamed for being frigid and dispassionate and causing their husbands to stop trying. She sets out to prove this assumption wrong.

She conducts her survey and most of the men tell her that their wives:
Are frigid
Are dispassionate
Are unwilling to do anything adventurous
Do not give them any emotional reinforcement

She then ignores this, blames the husbands, says it's because they watch porn online, and writes an article called, "It's not you, it's HIM."

Fark this pseudo-scientific biatch.


THIS.

More misandry, move along.
 
2007-12-16 06:46:16 PM  
TheWrongTrousers: Boy, this is timely.

I'm not married but I've been with someone for 8 years now. We've gone through brief periods where his or my sex drive dropped significantly, but it always managed to bounce back.
But now...since last winter, we've had sex maybe 5-7 times. He's still extremely affectionate, always wanting to hug and kiss, but zero activity downstairs.
In the spring I began to get alarmed, in the summer, I started to really question him on what was going on, and in the fall I started to get extremely bitter and depressed. He kept claiming that he thought I was sexy and beautiful and things would change "soon".
His job stress has been high this year, so I was willingly to let him take some time and ease back into things. Now this excuse isn't holding water anymore. Shouldn't he want to relieve some stress with sex instead of avoiding it?
We share a computer and I found his porn stash in July or August. Porn is fine, EXCEPT when you totally deny your gf any sex and use it instead of her. I told him he couldn't use my computer anymore.
Last week was the breaking point and I told him he needed to get help or we needed to end this. A few days later, I asked him if he'd made a dr's appointment. Nope. It's been a week and so far, no effort.
It looks like this is going to end soon, and it's really sad. We get along spectacularly and we're very close and affectionate. However, a sexless relationship makes me sexually frustrated and is damaging my self esteem.
I would love to save this relationship..if anyone has an experience with a bf or husband that eventually regained his sex drive, let me know.


Been married for over 25 years, so this is not necessarily comparing apples to oranges. My wife does not enjoy sex, so I've been relegated to handle things myself. She sleeps downstairs because the new mattress we got is not comfortable. I don't believe this. Long story short, we are staying together for the kids. Do I love her? Yeah, I believe I do.
Not one to give advice, but I suggest you are near an ultimatum in your relationship. Demand that the both of you seek counseling. Go out on a date or arrange a weekend getaway as a surprise. If you love each other, you will be able to work things out. In most instances, couples are too afraid to confront the issue head on, afraid of being alone and eventually going on websites like Fa...uh, seek counseling.
 
2007-12-16 06:51:21 PM  
Reason number 9173514372635143909715 to never get married.
 
2007-12-16 06:59:48 PM  
a couple I know are both fooling around because they arn't getting it with each other, because they are pissed that each other is fooling around on the side... Each one, man and woman is doing it on the side with a half of a couple that won't do it with each other because the other is fooling around on the side... This extends quite a distance, and for some reason all of the women are hot and will only Fark married men. Single men being too dangerous.

It confuses me.
 
2007-12-16 07:13:25 PM  
Any woman with an IQ higher than that of a jar of mayonnaise knows that men express love through sex, and a marriage with no sex ain't a marriage. If that's your attitude, divorce the poor bastard and at least allow him guilt-free sex with someone else.

Some women are truly exhausted (and some men are terrible in the sack), but if you love him, you work on that part. Men are not complicated creatures. It takes little to keep them happy. And there's nothing more pathetic than a woman who ignores her husband for years and then cries about what dogs men are when she gets tossed out on her ear.
 
2007-12-16 07:14:23 PM  
Last month I figured out that pretty much the only time the GF is in the mood is the week in her cycle where the hormone levels peak. Aside from that...nothing. When we first started going out, we did it all the time, but that was the only time she initiated anything. Now that is the only time she is receptive to anything. It started making me wonder if that is what marriage will be like.

This thread has not helped to dissuade that feeling.
 
2007-12-16 07:25:28 PM  
Into my 3rd decade with my wife - the first decade was good, the second was fair, but now the 3rd has waned to less than 10 this year. Granted, I'm slowing down too, but when I still try to initiate I usually get nowhere. I'm in fair shape, and so is she, although she's on her prozac meds, which probably has alot to do with it. I've never cheated on her, probably won't either - it's just not worth it. Life and Marriage can never be perfect - on the contrary, my life and marriage has been good - It could have been alot worse...

Even though sex is part of life, all of life is not sex.

/resigned myself.
 
2007-12-16 07:37:23 PM  
GypsyJoker: Been married for eleven years. Sex has been widely variable in frequency from year-to-year, and essentially stopped about four years ago (grad school, etc.). She just completely lost interest. She kept saying that it wasn't anything to do with me, but even when she wasn't tired from full-time school and a full-time teaching job, sex was the last thing she was interested in.

She went off of Depo-Provera earlier this year, and in the last few months-- after the Depo cleared out of her system-- things have become good again, except for the fact that we're limited by the lack of birth control (pill messes her up, too). Her doctor had told her about the side effects, but the difference in her level of interest post-Depo is pretty amazing.

Guys, if your lady starts seriously losing interest, look at the birth control she's on. That might be part of the problem.



Awesome point, when my wife was on the pill = 2 weeks of constant sex every night and then psycho ice princess for a month.

With the Depo shot, she's pretty much 4X a week steady and normal.

Those hormones really hit each woman in profoundly different ways.

//plus my wife is damn skilled in the sack. Ha ha to you jaded ///folks who married a bad one.
 
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