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(Local6)   Man fined for keeping cougar in apartment   ( ) divider line 47
    More: Dumbass  
•       •       •

3326 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2002 at 9:05 AM (13 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

47 Comments   (+0 »)

Archived thread
2002-09-27 09:00:53 AM  
Game Commission spokesman Jerry Feaser said it is not illegal to keep a cougar, "but you have to follow the rules and regulations for caging and proper care."

2002-09-27 09:08:03 AM  
Game Commission spokesman Jerry Feaser said it is not illegal to keep a cougar, "but you have to follow the rules and regulations for caging and proper care."

1. Don't get them wet.
2. Don't expose them to sunlight.
3. Never, ever feed them after midnight.
2002-09-27 09:09:52 AM  
Wow...which apartment complex? I always wondered why there were no chipmunks around here... (Note: I'll try to watch the local news, since this clown lives around here somewhere)
2002-09-27 09:12:41 AM  
4. Never call him Cougar. He prefers Mellencamp.
2002-09-27 09:14:34 AM  
Ain't that America?

[image from too old to be available]
2002-09-27 09:16:25 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-09-27 09:17:52 AM  
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.

Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.

Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?

Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.

Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..

Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.

Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..

Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..

Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!

Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.

Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?

Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.

Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?

Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.

Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.

Census-Taker: You mean your wife?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.

Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?

Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.

Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?

Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.

Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.

Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.

Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?

Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.

Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.

Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.

Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!

Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.

Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!

Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?

Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!

Census-Taker: Just take your time.

Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?

Census-Taker: That's not important!

Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!

Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?

Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.

Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.

Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!

Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?

Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] know.. the ol' ball and chain..

Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.

Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
2002-09-27 09:20:48 AM  
Sorry about the length of that.
2002-09-27 09:21:21 AM  
The problem with cougars are they get too big to keep in an apartment and then people release them in the sewers, where the feed on C.H.U.Ds.
2002-09-27 09:21:48 AM  
Wi99um: Yeah, I couldn't find a good picture of it either.
2002-09-27 09:23:17 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

did he take it apart first?
2002-09-27 09:24:01 AM  
Wi9um That's great. What is that from?
2002-09-27 09:24:54 AM  
Wi99um - I was totally thinking the same thing. A little Walken never hurt anyone!
2002-09-27 09:25:50 AM  
It's from an SNL sketch with Christopher Walken in it, which inherently makes it 10x funnier than it already is. You can get the mp3 off kazaa, maybe the video. It's called the Census.
2002-09-27 09:30:17 AM  
Wi99um: That is hands down the funniest farking thing i have ever seen on fark. Did you write that yourself, or get it from somewhere? Either way, im going to send that to all my friends labeled how to handle nosey governmet people. I will of course, cite my references. ;)
2002-09-27 09:35:55 AM  
Thank your for the precognitive answer to my question.
2002-09-27 09:43:21 AM  
Sorry to interrupt this SNL love-in, but I found that about as funny as frying babies. Maybe it works better with a laugh track or something.
2002-09-27 09:46:16 AM  
Captain obvious please come here
2002-09-27 09:46:55 AM  
dumbass is right. you can't keep a wild animal like that confined to such a tiny space.
2002-09-27 09:53:07 AM  
Better than the Cougar story was another link on that page. Florida story follows:

Woman Wanted Son Out Of Tree

September 27, 2002

PORT RICHEY, Fla. -- A woman tried to force her 10-year-old son out of a magnolia tree by shooting the boy with a BB gun, police said.

Tanya Collins was charged Wednesday with child abuse for the incident, which left a mark on her son's forearm, according to a Pasco County sheriff's report.


My mother used to say I wouldn't be happy until I put someone's eye out. She was right, I never put anyone's eye out and I've never been completely happy. ROFL.
2002-09-27 09:53:59 AM  
frying babies. bah ha ha. good one. i'm using that today.
2002-09-27 09:57:40 AM  
Try keeping Jack Russell Terrier in an apartment. It's the reason I drink so heavily.
2002-09-27 10:01:31 AM  
Mvswart: Try keeping Jack Russell Terrier in an apartment. It's the reason I drink so heavily.

* Wanda heads for the animal shelter *
2002-09-27 10:01:39 AM  
Sure it ate the couch last week, but she's one of the family. She never mauls the kids anymore.

I feel very sorry for the cat bc there is no way this idiot could have taken care fo her properly.
2002-09-27 10:03:43 AM  
*Follows Wanda to the shelter* ;)
2002-09-27 10:07:16 AM  
mmmm. fried babies. too bad lunch is still 2 hours away.
2002-09-27 10:07:59 AM  
40 lb. cat = big farking litter box
2002-09-27 10:13:22 AM  
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Japanese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Japanese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

"Are there ANY QUESTIONS?"

The Italian and the Scotsman say no... but the Japanese fella, he looks puzzled. The foreman, hands on hips, firmly says, "Look, they dig and sweep, but it is your job to make sure they get supplies. You understand?"

The Japanese guy looks doubtful. He says he never do this before, but he will do his best to give supplies. So the foreman nods, says to get started and goes away for a couple of hours.

When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Japanese fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I coulda find him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I told you to shovel the pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel. Ye left th' Japanese in chairge of supplies, boot ahcould nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Japanese guy. Just then, the Japanese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
2002-09-27 10:13:39 AM  
jay_vee: Why i was laughing is is that i can see my elf giving those answers. I hate people asking me useless farking questions.
2002-09-27 10:15:38 AM  
Unknown_Poltroon - You have an elf? How cool!
2002-09-27 10:16:51 AM  
That's hopelessly racist and the punchline was telegraphed, but still I smiled.
2002-09-27 10:21:48 AM  
Emily you sick dawg.
You can't have fried babies without ranch dressing to dip them in. Pff. Duh.
2002-09-27 10:29:20 AM  
Fla Chickie & Ironbar,
I believe these are the guys we were talking about just the other day. The asshats (I finally used "asshat" in a sentence!) who keep exotics just to impress family & friends. What a shame.
2002-09-27 10:38:17 AM  
I have an old cat that is damn near as big as a cougar. My two dogs think they're the boss of the house.... until the cat comes in. Get back, Jojo.
2002-09-27 10:53:15 AM  
Hmm...and all of this BSL/Bias crap comes down on folks like me...and this guy has a wild animal...hmmm...

maybe i should go get a bear as a companion to my dog
2002-09-27 12:07:19 PM  
I wouldn't wanna be the cat burglar that breaks into THAT
apartment, Nosiree...

Wanda: I think there are even fewer kid skeletons found in
trees than cat skeletons...leave 'em alone and they'll get

I remember one where the fire dept came out to get the cat
outa the tree. tree was too tall to climb up, so they decided to knock the cat out of the tree with the fire hose.
it worked, but the cat hit the power line on its way down...
2002-09-27 01:00:37 PM  
LOL Wi99um

I was thinking of the exact same thing when I saw this headline. I dont suppose anyone has a link to the video? It is one of my favorites.
2002-09-27 01:09:03 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
"Ok, who brought the dog?"
2002-09-27 01:19:54 PM  
I believe that there should be a law that any ass-hat that wants to keep an exotic animal like this must prove that they have wnough room. Like 50 to 60 miles worth of room.

I do not believe that anyone (zoos included) should keep animals like this in a small place.

I worked at the Houston zoo for a while. When those cats are in their cages at night, they just pace back and forth. There is bsolutely no doubt that they dont want to be there.
2002-09-27 01:21:43 PM  
Dllsgrlz: Yes, once again an irresponsible exotic pet owner story...
2002-09-27 01:59:54 PM  
Me no havie Kazza.

Could somebody post a link to this "Walken SNL Census" mpeg?

2002-09-27 02:33:55 PM  
Actually Sheepish, there IS such a law. I cannot quote it verbatim, but it basically covers the captivity of an exotic animal within city limits. I think it's about as enforecable as the gun laws. If folks don't know ya got it, they can't do anything to stop it.
2002-09-27 03:02:45 PM  
Falconerga Oh man, I'm probably going to PC hell for laughing at that, but I laughed like a madman at that. The sad thing is, I'm reading a book about racial hatred against the Japanese for my history class. ;)
2002-09-27 03:43:02 PM  
I feel compelled to point out that this is not me. "My" mountain lion is in fact borrowed, moreover it is stuffed. So I wouldn't be fined. Really.
2002-09-27 04:02:44 PM  
The problem is that it is city by city. I live in an area where it is perfectly legal to have anything. I'm only about 15 miles south of Houston, too.

What a world!
2002-09-27 07:21:13 PM  
Thanks for the clarification Zorgon. I wondered.
2002-09-28 09:10:09 PM  
Oh a car Cougar? Or the animal cougar? Now I'm confused. ?!
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