lurksquid
Frozen shrimp down the middle of the cube dividers works great.

That's a good one!

Here's a few more I remembered:

-It never really started stinking, but my friend had a window sube and I taped a big piece of sandwich meat to the window and closed the blinds. It turned into jerky.
-I accidentally "got" myself by leaving a bunch of bananas in a desk drawer. They basically liquified over the course of a couple of weeks.

While we're on the subject here is one of my favorite non-food-related pranks I pulled:

We had just gotten all new carpet on the floor. It is a huge cubefarm and all the carpet is in about 16 inch squares. They are glued down with some glue that takes several days to set. Well, all of the major intersections of aisles had these big red patterns on them. Basically, 95% of the carpet was the same puke color, but the intersections had solid red squares. One night I was working really late and was the only one around. While waiting for a build to finish, I started pulling up the carpet tiles. They came up really easily. I moved all of the red carpet to make a big arrow from the doorway all the way to a friend's cube. Instead of having these red designs at the intersection, there is just one red stripe winding through cube-land and terminating in my friend's cube. It was pretty damn funny to watch everyone's face the next morning. I felt kinda bad for the carpet guy who had to come back and fix it though. :-(

I read this whole thing at work. I bet that's my boss' pet peeve.

danlpoon: I wonder if the other lesbians agree with this?

Why is this? Hmmmm? Why is it when a woman doesn't want children, then she's a lesbian? Can you explain this to me Mr. P?

mmneme:
I agree no body wants a stinky guy.. I had two at my last job, the women in my area went out and bought scented candles, and air fresheners put them all over his cube.. He didnt get the hint, I was not suprised


Oh, that reminds me...

156. Scented candles
157. Air fresheners

danlpoon: if I wanted to carry around 15 lbs of drooly, stinky, squealy-ness, I'd either get one myself, ask to borrow theirs, or adopt a piglet.

I wonder if the other lesbians agree with this?

Probably not, those lesbos are quite fond of adopting kids or getting David Crosby to donate sperm.

Cecilia Ann: Since this is now become a place for workplace rantings and (some of us were) speaking of coworkers' ill-begotten crotchfruit, why is it that, just because I possess ovaries and a uterus, women who bring their babies to work assume I want to hold them? And then get offended when I tell them no, I don't want to hold their spawn, if I wanted to carry around 15 lbs of drooly, stinky, squealy-ness, I'd either get one myself, ask to borrow theirs, or adopt a piglet.

This is one thing that, as a dude, I am SO glad I won't have to go through.

IdBeCrazyIf-...but really... did you honestly expect my album to be entirely safe for work....?

was looking for a face shot, but I should have known better...and yeah, I mean no...

Cecilia Ann: Since this is now become a place for workplace rantings and (some of us were) speaking of coworkers' ill-begotten crotchfruit, why is it that, just because I possess ovaries and a uterus, women who bring their babies to work assume I want to hold them? And then get offended when I tell them no, I don't want to hold their spawn, if I wanted to carry around 15 lbs of drooly, stinky, squealy-ness, I'd either get one myself, ask to borrow theirs, or adopt a piglet.

I'm a guy, but whenever people bring their fresh whelps in to work like that, I make sure to grumble something about it being a snack as walk by. Just loud enough that they aren't entirely sure if I've said it or not...

dave420: Doing anything that you don't need to do, or allowing something unnecessary to happen, which adversley affects those around you and prevents or impedes them doing the actual work they're paid to do.

That is one in many major reasons why tomorrow is my last day at my current job. All my colleagues would rather just cover their ass rather then help me out for 45 farking seconds to help save me from an additional 1hr of unnecessary work.

Cecilia Ann:
women who bring their babies to work assume I want to hold them? And then get offended when I tell them no, I don't want to hold their spawn, if I wanted to carry around 15 lbs of drooly, stinky, squealy-ness, I'd either get one myself, ask to borrow theirs, or adopt a piglet.

that's comedy gold right there

How about the people who keep the ringers turned ALL THE WAY up on their cell phones and then let it ring 8 million times before they answer it?

Eville: You'd think people who work at Microsoft would understand not to do that huh? Someone sent out a welcome to a newhire to five seperate departments. (None of which were even remotely similar) That each have roughly six hundred plus people in them. EVERYONE of the people in each department replied to EVERYONE ELSE. And when it finally stopped it just picked back up when our Euro folks came into work.

I would have thought someone would have stopped and said

"You know.. perhaps we could put some sorta throttling on the queue just in case someone replys to all in a larger organization?"

But I'm convinced that they code using baboons.

11. Paying for time, instead of productivity, so those of us who can actually *manage* our time and leave at a reasonable hour are stuck helping those milking the system and taking their sweet-ass time doing a miniscule amount of work. Fark you. I ain't helpin' anymore.

/not bitter
//okay maybe a little.

techmom: Thurg: techmom: I am extremely allergic to tobacco smoke, and I'd like to continue breathing.

I was under that there is no such thing as a tobacco allergy.
But I only took two A&P classes in college so what do I know.

Yeah, I copped to that earlier... it's actually a chemical sensitivity. I also react to gasoline fumes, oil paint, even the off-gassing from vinyl & carpet - that new-car smell? I just don't usually get ambushed by anything else as I try to enter my workplace.

It still triggers an asthma attack. I'd like to be able to explain to smokers why I hurry away - I get glared at - but they often feel belligerent, and I simply can't stand there & debate. I've even reacted to the fumes clinging to some folks' jackets, and when I explained my difficulty they were kind enough to voluntarily move away a bit.

Like I said: I'm not a drama queen. Being deliberately rude to an 'overreaction' might garner more drama than you want to deal with, however.

Well, if I knew you, you would never need to explain this to me or justify yourself. You have an actual reason to react like you do.
Sorry to hear you react that way, sounds horrible.

lurksquid: My work pet-peeve phrase:
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Apparently so, ogle, apparently so.

I work in IT and get 20 people saying that to me a day. So I bought one of these.

Why is this? Hmmmm? Why is it when a woman doesn't want children, then she's a lesbian? Can you explain this to me Mr. P?

Because if a woman doesn't want children she exhibits the characteristics of a man. Men don't want children. Children are just the necessary by product of steady p*ssy.

IdBeCrazyIf:

Case in point, this is my dress for work.




158. Guys who take cell phone pictures of themselves in the men's room

Going to relay one message to an attorney and getting a 20 (yes, really 20) minute ramble-a-thon with the last line always being "So the answer to your question. . . " I didn't ask a question and now I'm gonna get yelled at for being away from my desk and not using my time wisely. Yay. Or. . . . people that have been in the business waaaaaay too long and like to talk down to you like you're 3. Yes that simple proceedure makes sense. No I don't need any more of you advice. I could have had this done by now. The rat-pack thing is possibly the worst. It's worse than high school. I don't need you to be my best friend, and I don't need you making up stories and telling the higher ups your made up stories to get me in trouble when I don't end up being on the top of your speed dial list. Oh, I could go on about this all day.

i don't understand why people are so loud when talking on the phone. talking to a person face to face, fine but once the phone rings HI! OH WOW IT'S YOU! WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN AGES! HAHAHAHAHA! CAN YOU HEAR ME CUZ THAT GUY 8 BLOCKS DOWN CAN!

mrdctaylor: my friend had a window sube

Those are legal in your state?

tweekster: Pocket Ninja:

How about burning the microwave out on a hot pocket.

That is really painful, the smell of lead and burnt electronics lasted for days.

/hot pocket thread

Was it a meaty hot pocket? You know, "they make a vegetarian hot pocket, for those of us who don't eat meat, but still would like diarreah."

IdBeCrazyIf: I would have thought someone would have stopped and said
"You know.. perhaps we could put some sorta throttling on the queue just in case someone replys to all in a larger organization?"

But I'm convinced that they code using baboons.

Oh no, people just started chatting via email at one point. I remember several haiku competitions starting and some random ani gifs being thrown about. It literally crippled a portion of Microsoft internal email which sucked. My entire job at that point was done via email.

So i just left for a few hours and got drunk.

Badafuco: kingzeke: Pocket Ninja:
2) burning popcorn.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Burnt popcorn

/actually like burned popcorn

You know who else liked burned popcorn...

/got nothin'
========================================

Not Bob Johnson (former CEO of BET).

It was against company policy to cook popcorn in ANY of the microwaves in the corporate building because old Bob hated the smell.

danlpoon: Because if a woman doesn't want children she exhibits the characteristics of a man. Men don't want children. Children are just the necessary by product of steady p*ssy.

Thanks for the explanation. It all makes sense to me now. You so totally rock.

uppitychick250: danlpoon: I wonder if the other lesbians agree with this?

Why is this? Hmmmm? Why is it when a woman doesn't want children, then she's a lesbian? Can you explain this to me Mr. P?

Hook line sinker....

Not A Hippie: How about the people who keep the ringers turned ALL THE WAY up on their cell phones and then let it ring 8 million times before they answer it?

No.. people who call me from their cell phone. While they are farking sitting at their desk.

Your farking desk phone is RIGHT THERE! Stop burning up our minute pool!

Daffydil: IdBeCrazyIf-...but really... did you honestly expect my album to be entirely safe for work....?

was looking for a face shot, but I should have known better...and yeah, I mean no...

Only way I give out face shots is if we're planning on meeting for something.

feckingmorons: ...
8. Misuse of handicapped privileges. Being a cripple is a privlige?

9. Smoking in non-smoking places or smoking in front of non-smokers without asking. Lighten up


It really pisses me off when some asshat parks in the disabled spot AND ISN'T DISABLED! Leave it open, people! [Same goes for the bathroom stalls!]

HunterNIU:
...
4) asking "Hey! Are you going to lunch?" as you're exiting the building at lunch time. Here's your sign???

10) wearing too much cologne or perfume. Actually, wearing any at all.

These. Definitely these. Unless it's patchouly.

signine: As a smoker, I can say that #9 should be higher on the list. "Smoking in non-smoking areas" should be a big deal. However, "smoking in front of non-smokers without asking" shouldn't. I smoke, you don't, DIAF if you have a problem with that.


::snicker:: Depends on what you're smoking, man. In any case, if ya don't like it, go away.


Conveniently, as a smoker, I always carry a lighter. You get the gasoline and we'll go in halfsies.

Only one lighter? I usually carry a backup, just in case.

2wolves: Microwaving fish or fish byproducts.

For the love of God, THIS!

/Even my cat wouldn't touch microwaved fish.

ArkyBeagle: Mine? "FBI took 'im. They were asking about you, too.".

At Enron, This is not funny.

farkin_noob

Talking at me when I am in the middle of typing. Fark you I'm busy.

Ummm, you mean when you're busy typing witticisms on Fark?

Thurg

Glad I could be of assistance! The worst part about the who tuna napkin episode was that I was working very closely with this lady in the office on some debugging stuff. She was sitting with me and we were both at my desk looking at the screen for several hours. So I kept thinking it was HER! And she probably thought it was my breath or something. After she left and I still smelled it, I practically tore my cube apart until my buddy walked over and lifted up my keyboard. Yeh, payback can be a beyatch.

In my new work environment we all have offices. A few weeks ago I came in on a Monday and couldn't finish my leftovers (nasty Tuna Helper Alfredo crap). A friend down the hall wasn't there so I unlocked his office (we all share a common key) and dumped it in his trashcan. I had forgotten he was out all week at a conference. Whoooooaaaa. It was pretty disgusting when he got back a week later.

The more I think about it the more #9 pisses me off. I can understand not smoking in non-smoking areas, but I'll be damned if I'm going to ask the non-smoker who is standing in the smoking area if it's OK for me to smoke IN THE SMOKING AREA!

When I on the crapper getting ready to let a big one rip, and two people strike up a long conversation in the bathroom. I believe it is common courtesy to do your business and get out. I'll hold it in for a few minutes, but after that you are on your own.

Same situation, both stalls are taken and I finish my business. Somebody is waiting to use the stall and walks right into my stink after I'm done. We have 14 floors of bathrooms in this building, use another floor (14 floors, two small bathrooms on each floor for each sex).

Probably not, those lesbos are quite fond of adopting kids or getting David Crosby to donate sperm.

Each of David Crosby's individual sperm is gambled for in a secret LesboLottery and guess who buys the most tickets?

Actually, as far as bringing babies to work, why can't I bring in one (or two) of my rats?

They're cleaner, quieter, smarter, don't stink like dirty diaper, and will stay either on my shoulder, or in their cage (instead of crawling all over the damned floor, getting underfoot). Besides, they'd be fitting at the moment with the Halloween (not Fall Festival) decorations.

5 stories down on the main page and only 550 posts. You guys are disappointing me. I'd have figured at least a 1000 posts by now for this story.

/my number 1: Nosy farking people.

Not A Hippie:
How about the people who keep the ringers turned ALL THE WAY up on their cell phones and then let it ring 8 million times before they answer it?

and those damn annoying ring tones, makes me want to strangle a m*tha-f**ker

IdBeCrazyIf-Only way I give out face shots is if we're planning on meeting for something.

Yes, I'm aware of your reasoning...I think you and I go back a bit at this point.

/oh and yes, too much perfume sucks

ArkyBeagle: ThePastafarian: DaShredda

Sure. A hot cigarette will feel real good inside your anus.

Not my fault you can't control your addiction there, dumbass. You willfully chose it. Now live with the stigma of your little smoke odor. Why don't you stop showering too? You can choose not to shower and smell up everything that way as well.

Dude, you should start smoking. Totally stops your sense of smell....

"Transference..."

And it will make him less of a whiny biatch

Daffydil: Thurg-I was under that there is no such thing as a tobacco allergy.
But I only took two A&P classes in college so what do I know.

I think there is, but I'm to lazy to Google right now

the allergy to tobacco is mostly epidermal and comes from contact with the leaf. to tobacco smoke, not so much. sensitivity. technically.

words, words, words.

Going to work sick.

Ya, I went there.

I hate you people... being all vector-like as you are... sick for you means a couple days out... sick for me means a couple weeks... stop being a douchebag and think of other people for once.

Auditors, they are so damn nosey

TheKebblerEff: tweekster: Pocket Ninja:

How about burning the microwave out on a hot pocket.

That is really painful, the smell of lead and burnt electronics lasted for days.

/hot pocket thread

Was it a meaty hot pocket? You know, "they make a vegetarian hot pocket, for those of us who don't eat meat, but still would like diarreah."

I am really disappointed in this thread, it took that many posts to get a Gaffigan reference in response. that was the only reason I specified what the person was microwaving. Thanks for coming through though.

I see danlpoon is in one of his romantic moods today!

When I on the crapper getting ready to let a big one rip
You know what bugs me? People who crap at work. Go home on the clock like everyone else, kay?

Thanks for the explanation. It all makes sense to me now. You so totally rock.

Thanks. I meant "lesbian" in it's kindest definition. Believe me, I have more in common with the lesbians than I do the other fags posting in here.

Bartleby the Scrivener

thanks...;)

firefly212-Going to work sick.

...and this

I got a new one that I just remembered. Probably my biggest pet peeve out of them all.

The interruptor.

Me: *in mid sentence* "Right, so do you want me to call them first or should we install the thing that...."

Interruptor: "Hey Tom! Did you ever get that file that I sent you on Wednesday?"

Tom: *turns away from me* "Oh yea, I was blah blah blah"

Number one: What in your stupid farking head makes it ok to walk up to a person who is obviously engaged in convo with someone else, and totally cut them off for something non-urgent?

Number two: I also get pissed at the person I was talking to for acknowlegding the interruptor asshat. Excuse me, was I not just talking to you?

Big ol pile of WTF

danlpoon: Probably not, those lesbos are quite fond of adopting kids or getting David Crosby to donate sperm.

Each of David Crosby's individual sperm is gambled for in a secret LesboLottery and guess who buys the most tickets?

Uh...are congratulations in order?

I work at a place in KC that prides itself on being a place that lacks diversity. They do very thorough background checks, if you can pass the screening you get hired if not keep walkin.

/all kinds of off color emails and jokes rolling around
//and they have beer in the fridge for after work!

soulexposed

I experienced this today... what the fark do you do if you see someone that far away? Stare at them until you're within speaking distance? Wave? Weird...

I usually just keep looking down the rows of cubes and hallways on my left and right until I get to a comfortable distance to where I know I won't have time to say anything except a quick hi and how are you to which I expect no reply.