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(Yahoo)   Nearly half of all stay-at-home moms now say that not working at all outside the home is the ideal situation for them.   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 345
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6019 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Aug 2007 at 1:45 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2007-08-09 04:33:24 PM
nmiguy: My wife is a stay at home Mom. She seems to complain quite a bit about it. How there's always work to do, laundry, dinners, the kids, so when I offer her a solution to her woes like "okay get a job" she comes up with excuses. Life for her is very good. But the time home with the kids is often time for her to think too much about the mundane and manufacture dramas.

She talks with one of her friends on the phone daily and gossips and gets frustrated and annoyed by these manufactured dramas, that in reality are quite irrelevant and unimportant. Those are things you don't get away with at work.

You must be married to my wife. I'll assuming your taking over the payments.
2007-08-09 04:33:49 PM
I am a stay at home mom/wife, and I wouldn't trade it for a thing. My younger two children are very social as we have lost of kids around here for them to play with. When my oldest daughter was young though, she went to preschool as we lived in an apartment without anyone her age around, and I thought it would be important for her to socialize some. Also, her being in daycare during the day, enabled me to sleep when she was in school so I could work the night shift (back in my working days there was pay incentive for overnight shifts where I worked,) and be there for her before and after school. Both ways worked out just fine, but I prefer this (although summer vacation is seeming terrifyingly long this year as the only people I am around during the day are 11 years and younger.)
2007-08-09 04:40:38 PM
willydwonka - My gf wants kids. I think I'm going to "accidentally" kick her down some stairs when she gets pregnant. It's in the best interest of the world that my family genetics dies out now.

You don't have to be brutal, you can make this work for you. Go get a vasectomy, forget to mention it, then 'try' to get her pregnant as much as possible.
2007-08-09 04:42:42 PM
nyil: Egalitarian: Jeezus nyil that's awful. Hopefully your cancer is in remission and you met a man who will stick with you through thick and thin.

It is, I have, and best of all I also have a good job. Took several years to catch up to making half of what he used to make though.

Sounds as if you married an ass.
2007-08-09 04:42:59 PM
There was a reason that stay at home moms were necessary in previous generations, before the advent of modern appliances and conveniences.

Now you take 10 minutes to take the prepared frozen lasagna out of the freezer and put it in the microwave, open up your prepared salad in a plastic bag and putting it in a bowl and pour some prepared dressing over it and put your prepared Garlic Toast in the preset oven. When you're finished, you rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Then you gather up the clothes, put them in the washer/dryer or prepare to drop them off at the drycleaners the next day. All of this while the rugrats are planted in front of the TV watching DVD's.

If you can do your "fulltime job" in between commercial breaks, it's not a fulltime job.
2007-08-09 04:50:45 PM
A full-time mom is a BS "job" description.

At best you are a part time housekeeper (1 friggen house), and a part time substitute teacher with the smallest classroom in the state.

Yeah, house cleaning is hard, and taking care of kids is hard, but so is digging ditches. The fact is teachers, and housecleaners get paid crappy wages (like ditch diggers) for a good reason.

The trick is how stay at home moms have convinced people that what they do is somehow equal to a real job. Its a throwback to the old days when women actually worked in the home. Back when it took hours to wash (and sew!) clothes and there were no vaccuum cleaners and dishwashers and clothes washers.

No boss, no quota, no deadlines, no targets. Lazy womens paradise.
2007-08-09 04:51:10 PM
This is about choice (in the old days women didn't have that), and living with consequences of those choices (you can't have everything, so once you made the choice, don't complain about the things you had to give up). But I think there's another import point here:

I don't know how things are now, but when I grew up in China (late 60's - mid 80's), there are no stay at home mom's. Everyone worked. What made that possible was there is affordable (free most of the time actually) child care. Most communities are not like the suburbs we have here, where a lot of times you can live there for years and not know your neighbors at all. Everyone in the community knew each other well, and people looked out for other people's kids. I've never been baby-sat, and since age of 7 has been a latch key child. Every other kid I knew was like that too.
2007-08-09 04:54:33 PM
I love my wife working, more money and I have all afternoon off, untill about 6:00p.m.
Love being home alone, life is good.
2007-08-09 04:59:29 PM
InmanRoshi: Lucky for men we have the CHOICE of working or .... working more.

Take a look at my cousin.
He's broke, don't do shiat.
2007-08-09 05:23:41 PM
Now that I'm moving into my 30's, I just have to laugh at all my female friends from college who were card carrying Gloria Steinem disciples and bra burners in their early 20's, spent hours upon hours discussing the prison of the domesticated woman, got these really expensive graduate degrees from liberal art colleges, and then got about 3-5 years into the workplace and their exciting careers ..... and then stumbled into the discovery that "Holy Crap, this work shiate sucks !!!"

Then they decided marrying a wealthy guy, pumping out a few kids and being a "domestic slave" was awfully appealing.

But don't think for a second that they've been humbled. They're more than happy to lecture you on how women get paid less than men for the same job, nevermind how they left their employers high and dry to go be a fulltime mom after they had invested several years training and grooming them for positions.

But .. you see .. it's all about "choice". For some reason, modern Western Women have convinced themselves that the LUXORY of being able to stay at home with their families or go out and work, a luxory perhaps they alone get to experience in the entire history of humankind for either gender, is somehow a basic human right for them.
2007-08-09 05:27:02 PM
Bwa ha ha ha!!!

Straight people = SUCKERS!

God I'm glad I was born gay.

1. No anklebiters!

2. Two good incomes

3. Lots of discretionary cash, and lots of retirement investments for both of us

4. Lots of free time

5. Plenty of good sex

6. No stupid squabbles about who stays home or who does what around the house
2007-08-09 05:30:23 PM
Hey, good for them if they have a partner that can provide! I really applaud "stay-at-home" moms. They provide the kids with the attention they need (hopefully). I think too often these days, there is no one there for the kid, and they're forced to be raised by day cares and televisions. Knowing my kids are raised right is almost enough for me to get over the fact that she's sleeping with the pool boy.
2007-08-09 05:40:34 PM
accipeter - kinda makes up for the existence assholes like Fred Phelps, I hope? ;-)
2007-08-09 05:42:25 PM
My wife (who has a master's in anthropology and used to be an archaeologist, but is now a SAHM) and I were just discussing the idea that we're pretty much at the point where feminism is obsolete in our society because women can do whatever they want, but at the same time can make "traditional" choices with no negative stigma.

Let's seriously look at the facts: outside of a few jobs in the military, women can have any job that they qualify for. More women are earning college degrees than men, and for example young women in NYC than young men in NYC do.

On the other hand, unlike the dire anti-feminist predictions of the 80s, these women don't have or want to dress like men. They can be equal without being the same. They don't have to give up being feminine to have successful careers.

And, again contrary to the dire predictions of social conservatives, women don't "have" to go out and have careers in order to be happy or to avoid social stigma. If they want to be SAHMs, and obviously if their economic situation permits it, then they can do that and there is no dire social backlash against it.

Frankly I think the whole situation is pretty cool.
2007-08-09 05:44:51 PM
I don't think I could do it. My husband and I are trying to start a family, and I've been thinking about what I'm going to do once the first one comes along. Maybe I'll change my mind once my 12 months leave are up and I have to part with my child, but I don't think so. I can see people who don't like their jobs not wanting to go back to work, but I enjoy my work. I enjoy the intellectual challenge and I enjoy learning. I would feel like I was wasting my brain staying home.

That being said, I do plan to work part time until my kids are in school, as I want to have extra time and energy to take care of their early education.

\Not that educating your children stops when you ship them off to public school!
2007-08-09 05:44:59 PM
Just want to point out ...

I have respect for stay at home moms who are in lower income classes. I'm sure it's not easy figuring out how to feed a family of 5 on a really tight budget. Or figuring out what to do with leftovers because you can't afford to throw food away. Or sewing patches on clothes because you can't afford to buy new ones.

However, your average middle class housewife, who orders take out three times a week, drops the clothes off at the dry cleaners, and really only does more than 3-4 hours of "work" a day when she's inspired to recreate some Martha Stewart-WASPY quaint utopia like the 'perfect place setting' or 'the yummiest bunt cake', because she can't cut it in the real world working a real job with real problems... sorry, you gets no love from me.
2007-08-09 05:49:23 PM
krazydiamond -- you might want to look into part time work. That, for me, was ideal when my boys were younger (they're 13 and 16 now - w00t!). It got me out of the house for 20 hours a week where I could be productive and interact with other adults and still gave me quality time with them and time to do things around the house.
2007-08-09 05:54:34 PM
mrtron: TsuZi: You can have professional ambition and still be a stay-at-home mom. I just have bigger priorities until my son goes off to school. So for now, I work as a doula about once a month-- so I can build up experience. By the time he's 5, I'll have enough experience to feel comfortable in beginning my midwifery licensure.

I think he said he couldn't marry someone without ambition...

Catching babies as they fall out doesn't quite qualify

Right, because delivering babies isn't a worthwhile activity at all. :-P Ass.
2007-08-09 05:55:24 PM
Well, she knows that isn't going to happen. Like I said, good relationships require trust.

Nobody gets married and has kids thinking they're going to get divorced.

One of my good friends parents recently got divorced after nearly 30 years together. They had both worked for the same company, but she had taken 10 years off work to raise their children. As a result, although she had been working for the past 15 years doing the exact same job as him, she made significantly less money than him, and has to work a decade longer than him before she can retire with pension, thanks to silly union seniority rules. She got nothing out of the divorce since the kids were already grown.

He kept the house, is remarried and retired, while she's living in a small apartment and working her but off.

I never would have suspected it of them. It CAN happen to anyone and it can be ruinous for a women or a man who doesn't have their own financial support.
2007-08-09 05:56:18 PM
hillbillypharmacist: TsuZi: Woohoo! Your wife rocks!


I'm surprised to see a doula here on Fark, rather than the Mothering boards.

I visit those too, but a lot of the time the moms on the internet aggravate me and spout out a lot of bad information. When I need a break, I come to fark.
2007-08-09 05:58:50 PM
Mugato: You people make life sound like one big chore. I think I'll stay single for now. Maybe buy a Delorean with the money I'm not wasting on kids.

Kids are a lot of work, there's no denying it. My kids (ages 12 and 10) have been at sleepaway camp for the past three weeks, and it's made a tremendous difference in my amount of free time. It's like a vacation compared to the school year of schedules, homework, etc. But I consider it an investment; I'm growing two of my best friends. And they are fun and rewarding much of the time.

And later, maybe I'll get grandkids -- lots of the fun and little of the work.
2007-08-09 06:02:36 PM
I really wouldn't mind being a stay at home dad although personally I'd find it best if my spouse and me both just worked part time. Then again I doubt my future wife will be able to make close to what I'm likely to make so I'll probably be the one working full time.
2007-08-09 06:25:35 PM
JesseL: My wife thanks me on a regular basis for letting her be a stay-at-home mom and not making her get a job.

She also complains that other women can't drive for shiat, can't be trusted to make important decisions, and are evil catty biatches.

I don't know how she became such a misogynist, but it cracks me up.

Are you my husband?
2007-08-09 06:40:09 PM
I think we can all agree that we were terribly screwed as a people.

1) Women were enticed with self-actualization, which in truth, many benefited from.

2) However, couples were enticed with the idea that they would be making twice as much money if she worked. Then they kept raising taxes to the point where she *had* to work to support the family, but what amounts to FOR FREE!

3) Self-actualization sucks if you don't make a dime in the deal. Turns out that for most women there wasn't a whole lot of self-actualization involved. Just hard work. For no pay.

4) On top of everything else, with men and women working hard to raise "productivity" and "boost the economy", most people didn't have the energy left to make and raise children, which take a LOT of energy.

So now we have a strong economy and no children. That ain't right.
2007-08-09 07:02:33 PM
This reminds me of the time I went as a battered housewife for Halloween. I totally forgot to attach a baby to my hip. Maybe THEN I would have won best costume...

/yes, I'm female.
//lost to a Blue Barracuda.
2007-08-09 07:14:21 PM
I beleive a great daycare is better than staying home with mom or dad.

Daycare = trips to museum, activities in park, friends, well rounded program

mom or dad = watch tv while mom cleas the house, be alone, go to the mall
2007-08-09 07:21:42 PM
I was a stay at home mom,at one time with a 5 year old, 2 year old and an infant. I tandem nursed the younger kids for 16 months, then continued to nurse the "baby" till he was almost 4 (that was once a day to get him to take a nap). I used cloth diapers, I washed diapers, I shopped, cleaned, made food from scratch, I nursed at least once every hour (during the night I would get a 4 hour break), I hung laundry out to dry while the kids played in the yard, we had a little garden for them to dig around in, we went to the library, I homeschooled a 2nd grader one year. I knew it was Friday because that was garbage day. The days became one big blur for me.

...When would I have had time to work even a part-time job? Like this wasn't a job? Now that my kids are older (25, 22, 20 & 14) I wouldn't have traded it for anything. There were days, in the midst of doing all that work that I wished I worked! It was hard work but well worth the effort. Now that I only have 1 at home I miss the noise and commotion. I know staying home isn't for every mom, but who do you want to raise your children?
2007-08-09 07:52:08 PM
I was a stay at home mom; that was the deal upfront when I married. As a latchkey kid myself, I never wanted my kids getting into the kind of trouble "I" found when I was young.

The plusses were huge: I know my kids inside out. Very little gets by me, and I've raised them to be pretty decent people.

The only downside is the financial insecurity. The husband had a midlife crisis and ran off with some woman he met playing Everquest, taking our savings and his income. I had to start all over, ten years older, with the jobskills and experience I'd possessed at nineteen. I'm now the oldest honors freshman at U of L. It's very strange, feels like doing everything backwards. But when I look at my kids every day, I don't regret it. I might even do it the same way all over again, even knowing how it turned out.
2007-08-09 08:35:07 PM
I hope things turn out well for you Nmissi... Go class of 2011 >:)
2007-08-09 09:32:33 PM
We're coming up on the birth of our first (only?) child this fall. I work full time and the boss hasn't asked if I want to come back, but she keeps hinting at all the opportunities available when I return. (Fastest way to get pregnant is get be promoted btw, Got my promotion in October '06, and now I'm due in October '07).

Husband has let me know that if I wanted to be a stay at home mom, we could could handle it but I don't know that I want to. I did that as a kid being the eldest of 6 and only girl. I practically raised the brothers while Mom and step dad were moving from dead end temp jobs. I couldn't stand it then. People say having your own kid makes it different. We'll see, but I'm still planning on going back at least part time by year's end.

Staying home is not being lazy because it is so much work, but it's so claustrophobic when you're stuck in the house with 5 kids. Hopefully 1 is easier to deal with in home and getting outside for fresh air.
2007-08-09 09:51:45 PM
Ugh, I could never stay at home full time. Ever. I would need part time work or some kind of occupation but I wouldn't ever want to be around my children 24/7.

Isn't that how you get sick of people? By being around them all the time? It would drive me nuts. Plus, it's not healthy. Kids need to be with other kids. Into the daycare they go.
2007-08-09 10:01:48 PM
mrtron: So...a large chested woman convinced you she could steal your money and you would like it?

Large chested is right, but she married me poor and I'm still not far from it. Upper-lower class, (just under lower-middle class), baby, and she's still here.
2007-08-09 10:02:36 PM
My dad worked. My mom worked. I went to daycare when I was little and to the sitter in the afternoon when I was older. Do I remember any of that? No I do not. What I remember are all the things my parents did with me. Trips to the zoo, park, making cookies, playing outside, going to the beach, decorating my dad's hair with barrettes :)

I can't see myself ever giving up my "life" for my children. I have a career that I have dreamed about since I was in kindergarten. While I will love my children and we will become a new family with each and every addition, if I have no other identity than my children's mother, I will be sorry for myself that that is what my life amounted to. My mother is someone I am proud of who did both. Amazing mother and amazing at her career.

No matter what you decide to do, stay home or work, what matters is what you do with your children when you are with them. If you stay at home and neglect your kids, then you might as well go back to work. Keep in mind that working mom's do everything stay at home moms do AND they work.

Okay, that's a bit harsh on stay at home moms. I know some women do that and are content, lead fulfilling lives, and have beautiful children. I think what's best for everyone is when you do what's best for the family without compromising who you were and are.
2007-08-09 11:39:30 PM
My buddy Eamon has a 'Stay At Home Dads' thing in texas. He seems pretty happy.
I always thought that it would be a cool gig.
Not queer, just super energetic.
And a damn good cook!
2007-08-09 11:40:46 PM
dj_spanmaster: and her libido is rip-roaring after nightfall.

This. I was unemployed briefly when we moved to a new city (
2007-08-09 11:42:02 PM
(why did that get cut off?) Anyhoo, sex gets to be a big deal when all you do all day is work out, play house, and cook dinner.
2007-08-09 11:50:15 PM
I'm currently pregnant so this is close to my heart at the moment and I think I'm going to try and go for the stay at home for the first year and then get a local part time job maybe 2 to 3 evenings a week after that.

The reason for this is my observations from my parents, especially my mum who worked full time as long as I can remember. Although my sister and I turned out reasonably fine there was some problems caused by her working full time.

She was always, always tired being that she worked full time and still did all the traditional maternal jobs i.e two full time jobs for 20+ years.

Her health also suffered I think this aged her quicker then it should.

I also think both a man a woman working full time puts a stress on the relationship. That is both doing 2 jobs, but neither being fully responsible for one or the other and both interfering in how each does the job. I hope to be able to take care of the house, cooking and child. I don't want my man to come home after a days work and have to do the house work. But I think it should be 80/20 in that I do most of the traditional woman's role but he might do a bit on the weekend to give me an afternoon off to do my own thing without having to have the child or housework and I do a bit of paid work so I can help with super and also treat him occasionally.

But if he takes the 80% slog of paid work then his job takes precedence i.e if my job interferes then it goes.

If I take the 80% slog of maternal work then how I discipline and how I have rules and routines go, he does not in his 20% time change them or break the routine he sticks with it.

Hope that all makes sense.
2007-08-10 01:23:04 AM
cyclebiff: gay homosexual,

There are gay homosexuals now??
2007-08-10 05:27:16 AM
My husband and I both work full-time, but we work 12-hour shifts on opposite sides of the week. Someone is always home with our three-month-old daughter.

So, I guess that makes me a part-time SAHM.

Anyway, the only reason I have time to reply to this thread is because I'm at work. When I'm home, I'm feeding the baby and playing with her and doing laundry and cleaning. There are days when I don't get a chance to check my email. There are days when I don't get a shower.

My work days are like a vacation...I get to goof off on the internet all night, hang out with grownups, do things that are intellectually challenging (to a 25-year-old--I do things that are intellectully challenging to a 3-month-old all day on my 'home days').

My husband wants to be a stay at home dad. I can't wait! We're just waiting for me to get some more experience at work so I can get a better-paying position.
2007-08-10 11:20:58 AM
PetuniaPumpkin, thank you for putting into words what was in my head. Ok, so not everybody can work full-time and raise decent children. I have known enough parents unfortunately who are proof of that. But it can be done. You just have to be willing to work your ass off. It's not a life for the unmotivated or the lazy. My wife and I strive to be equal partners, and although we each have our strengths, for the most part either of us are fully capable of doing any task that needs done. I can cook or clean or dress my daughter for school, and she can work outside or fix stuff around the house or discipline our daughter. We both pick up and drop off at school, take her to birthday parties, to the park, whatever is required. And we are generally able to coordinate all this without any major screw ups. Sure it's tiring sometimes, but we're a team, a family that works together, and I think we're demonstrating to our daughter how important it is to be able to work together.

Oh and for those people who think daycare is the devil, I call bullshiate. Our daughter has been in daycare since she was 4 months old and she is one of the sweetest, most socially adept and intelligent kids you will ever meet. It's not the daycare folks, it's the parents. You get out of it what you put into it. If you just drop them off and pick them up at a glorified babysitter, then yes, your child will probably not get much out of it. But if you find a good daycare with an actual curriculum (do your homework) and get involved and get to know the teachers, it can be a great experience for everyone. My daughter, who is now 6, loves every one of her former teachers and most of them are still working there. Raising intelligent, well-behaved, caring children is a deliberate act, it doesn't just happen.

Also having a mother and a father who are both well-educated and can help with homework is a plus too. I personally believe not working outside the home deprives a parent of valuable intellectual stimulation and experience in working and communicating with people, and may ultimately may negatively impact their interaction with their children.

And let's be honest, when you have 2 working parents, having the money doesn't suck either.
2007-08-10 12:22:15 PM
Nmissi: I was a stay at home mom; that was the deal upfront when I married.

The only downside is the financial insecurity. The husband had a midlife crisis and ran off with some woman he met playing Everquest, taking our savings and his income. I had to start all over, ten years older, with the jobskills and experience I'd possessed at nineteen.

And yet when I point out to women that this sort of thing became more common after the advent of no-fault divorce, I get a blank stare and some sort of response like "but we can't go back to the fifties" or "but that would prevent women from getting out of a bad marriages".

/Just sayin'
//Because I'm perplexed...
2007-08-10 01:26:22 PM
Nearly half of all stay-at-home moms now say that not working at all outside the home is the ideal situation for them.

Sounds like half of all stay-at-home moms need to get a job. What exactly is the point of staying home if you're not happy?
2007-08-10 02:25:16 PM
My wife has a degree in biology and worked in the chemical industry for years. She is studying to be a massage therapist while I slave away in the call center, but her main ambition is to be a housewife. She says that's what she was born to do. It's about time that choice got more respect.
2007-08-10 11:12:05 PM
We're talking a few years, folks. I hold an MBA and had a very fulfilling, very well paid career. However, once I had children, with the agreement of my husband I did decide to stay at home and raise them until they are in school full-time. Call me old-fashioned, but I think it's far better than sending them off to a day-care, where there's 20 cribs lined up against a wall. Nothing wrong with a home-cooked meal, clean house, and a mother that has time for you.
2007-08-10 11:33:22 PM
Actually, it makes very good sense to have one parent be the primary worker and the other parent take care of the house and children. Men are more aggressive and able to take on more hours in dangerous, stressful, and/or disgusting jobs that pay better, while women are a lot better at handling the daily routine without going nuts.

A stay-at-home mom is not a slave of her husband, she's the reason why he can concentrate fully on work and not have to worry about anything at home, resulting in more promotions and better pay. It's called teamwork. Look at any important man in history, there will be a woman taking care of the estate while he's off on business.
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