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(London Times)   James Bond really is an idiot   (entertainment.timesonline.co.uk) divider line 174
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46390 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Jul 2007 at 9:43 AM (7 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-07-26 06:55:04 AM  
Owww, that hurt! Seriously, who throws a shoe?
 
2007-07-26 07:02:53 AM  
That's blasphemy, but OMFG.
 
2007-07-26 07:23:34 AM  
One can only ascribe Bond's continued nonchalance to the fact that he's permanently drunk

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I picked up on that when I was a kid ;)
 
2007-07-26 07:52:36 AM  
Well it all kinda makes sense now...
 
2007-07-26 08:27:04 AM  
Not one of his finest moments, I suppose.

I wonder if the same is true for "You Only Live Twice".

At least the opening credits were cool.
 
2007-07-26 08:40:18 AM  
Roger Moore's Bond was completely useless throughout, with his idiocy reaching a peak in Live and Let Die.

It's like he enjoys getting captured, tied up and tortured.
 
2007-07-26 08:43:35 AM  
Scaryduck: It's like he enjoys getting captured, tied up and tortured

He was the Mel Gibson of his time.
 
2007-07-26 09:11:21 AM  
img297.imageshack.us

Approves.
 
CPB
2007-07-26 09:12:07 AM  
I have to admit, I hadn't really looked at it that way before. It's still one of my favorite Bond flicks though.
 
2007-07-26 09:30:27 AM  
Scaryduck: Roger Moore's Bond was completely useless throughout, with his idiocy reaching a peak in Live and Let Die.

Farking Solitaire puts him in credit, however.
 
2007-07-26 09:45:30 AM  
Suck it Smitty I hate you and your stupid headline. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!
 
2007-07-26 09:49:20 AM  
fark you subby. How dare you post such blasphemy?

/Fav line from Goldfinger.
//"Run along now, Man talk." (smacks blonde on the ass)
 
2007-07-26 09:49:58 AM  
Is there any way someone can quote the article here, or is it too long? I'm getting blocked at work :(
 
2007-07-26 09:50:41 AM  
How ti kill James Bond
1. Get a cute girl with AIDS to have sex with him
2. Win!
 
2007-07-26 09:56:04 AM  
Oh, Hilly!

www.universalexports.net
 
2007-07-26 09:56:09 AM  
George Smiley > James Bond

Anyone who reads would know that.
 
2007-07-26 09:56:38 AM  
Subby still wishes he could be like James Bond.
 
2007-07-26 09:58:20 AM  
An additional irony is that the movie corrects
some pretty egrigeous plot railroading in the book.
Fleming had Goldfinger decide to hire Bond as an
associate, rather than take him prisoner.

And then there's the whole "Makes Pussy Galore not
be a lesbian no more" thing......
 
2007-07-26 09:58:37 AM  
As requested:

Goldfinger? Dr No? Or Casino Royale?
As the quintessential Bond film is rereleased, we want to know which 007 movie leaves you most shaken and stirred
undefined
NigeI Kendall

For many people Goldfinger, which is rereleased tomorrow, is the quintessential Bond film, the one that established a formula that is still going strong 43 years later. The third of the Sean Connery Bond films, this was the first to feature a pretitle sequence irrelevant to the plot of the main film; the first to have a real theme song belted out over the opening credits; the first to feature Q by name, and the first with the gadget-packed Aston Martin DB5, still the most famous film car of them all.

With its snappy script, sight-gags and one-liners, Goldfinger was the first Bond to go blockbuster, and yet if you scratch the surface, you find it's not a "typical" Bond film at all.

Made at a time when the producers Albert R. Broccoli and Harry Saltzman still didn't really know if they had a lasting success on their hands, Goldfinger takes the notion of the infallible secret agent, established in Dr No and From Russia with Love, and plays it completely against type.

This is the dirty secret at the heart of Goldfinger: JAMES BOND IS COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT THROUGHOUT. Don't believe me? Consider, if you will, the bare bones of the plot.

In Miami, Bond is ordered to observe the antics of Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe). Instead, he lets his indiscipline get the better of him and interferes, which costs a young woman, Jill Masterson, her life.

Hauled over the coals by M, whose intervention with the Miami Beach Police prevents Bond from being arrested and jailed, 007 then embarks on a short game of cat-and-mouse with Goldfinger. This ends when Bond gets Masterson's sister killed by a maniac with a flying hat, and is easily captured and forced to beg for his life as a laser threatens to separate him from his manhood. "Do you expect me to talk?" he asks, hopefully. "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die," comes the immortal reply.

So, by the halfway point of the film, Bond's interfering, aimless ways have resulted in the premature death of two sisters and a humiliating capture by an overweight buffoon.

But what of the car, the great Aston Martin, fitted with oil-slicks, a bullet-proof screen, circular saws, machine guns and an ejector seat? What of it? After a brief chase in which Bond is prevented from making an escape by an arthritic pensioner with a machine-gun, Britain's top secret agent is dazzled by oncoming headlights and crashes his world-beating gadget into a brick wall. How pathetic is that?

Worse is to come. Captured, beaten and humiliated, what does our hero do next? Perform a heroic escape? Alert the outside world to the dangers of Goldfinger's evil plan? Not a bit of it. When he's not sipping Mint Juleps on the balcony of Goldfinger's Kentucky ranch, he's slipping notes into the pocket of a gangster who - along with the note - then gets flattened in a car crusher. So comfortable does Bond appear in captivity that the CIA minders (it is by now obvious that our moronic hero cannot achieve anything alone) decide not to intervene and leave him to enjoy his cocktails.

And so it goes on. Bond never escapes, and the film's climax finds him, still a prisoner, helplessly trying to disarm a nuclear device. It takes the intervention of a kindly CIA man to show him the off switch. In the course of the film, Bond's only moment of efficiency comes from killing his nemesis, right at the end.

It's a miracle that Britain's bumbling saviour made it that far at all, since Oddjob, the smiling villain with the evil hat brim, has previously come close to making mincemeat of him. One can only ascribe Bond's continued nonchalance to the fact that he's permanently drunk, snorting back the brandies in London, hitting the Juleps in Kentucky and enjoying "liquor for three" on Goldfinger's private jet. When Q shows him the Aston Martin's tracking system, Bond is delighted: "Allow a man to stop off for a quick one en route," he exclaims. What's really astonishing about Goldfinger is Bond's ability to hold a Walther PPK straight with two litres of spirits permanently coursing through his system.

Goldfinger is rereleased nationwide tomorrow
 
2007-07-26 09:59:28 AM  
generaltimmyHow ti kill James Bond
1. Get a cute girl with AIDS to have sex with him
2. Win!


1.As you plot your scheme, Bond is having sex with your woman.
2.You lose
 
2007-07-26 10:02:50 AM  
farm2.static.flickr.com
 
2007-07-26 10:04:02 AM  
generaltimmy: How ti kill James Bond
1. Get a cute girl with AIDS to have sex with him
2. Win!


Try this:

1. Let him infiltrate your base where he'll allow himself to be captured so as to find out the intricate details of your plot.
2. curbstomp
 
2007-07-26 10:04:24 AM  
not to mention he wears the gayest little baby-blue terry-cloth swimsuit cover-up known to man!

bondnet.de
 
2007-07-26 10:04:48 AM  
Daniel Craig is the best Bond since Sean Connery.
 
2007-07-26 10:06:12 AM  
beve: Scaryduck: Roger Moore's Bond was completely useless throughout, with his idiocy reaching a peak in Live and Let Die.

Farking Solitaire puts him in credit, however.


qft, she was hot as shiat back in the day..
 
2007-07-26 10:06:42 AM  
James Bond is a horrible spy.

I was watching a show on REAL spies.

REAL spies don't let themselves get captured, and they don't cause "international incidents". They don't cause multi car pileups, they don't blow up bridges, and they don't cut canoes in half with speed boats.

James Bond should have his nuts cut off.
 
2007-07-26 10:06:57 AM  
Funkychuck:
Try this:

1. Let him infiltrate your base where he'll allow himself to be captured so as to find out the intricate details of your plot.
2. curbstomp


HAHA.
 
2007-07-26 10:07:09 AM  
I actually found I liked Casino Royale the best of the Bond movies.
But really, come on. A Bond Movie always has a basic formula: James Bond meets girl. Girl gets herself kidnapped/finds herself in trouble with the bad guy. James Bond saves girl. (or in the case of Casino Royale, doesn't save girl, girl drowns)

I watch Bond for the blatant action of it. It's entertaining, and most of the stuff he does I wouldn't do in a million years.
 
Rat
2007-07-26 10:07:17 AM  
Sean Connery's birthday?

© Obscure? Prolly not for FARK.
 
2007-07-26 10:08:06 AM  
DaShredda: James Bond is a horrible spy.

I was watching a show on REAL spies.

REAL spies don't let themselves get captured, and they don't cause "international incidents". They don't cause multi car pileups, they don't blow up bridges, and they don't cut canoes in half with speed boats.

James Bond should have his nuts cut off.


I don't think spies have cars with oil slicks and rocket launchers on them either. It's a movie.
 
2007-07-26 10:09:08 AM  
Sgt. Expendable: As requested:

Thank you! Blue spaders!
 
2007-07-26 10:09:51 AM  
Roger Moore's Bond was terrible, but there was a "so bad it's good" quality to the witty quips he'd bust out after killing a guy. Octopussy had a ton of those.

Regardless, any Bond movie is better than Moonraker.

/from russia with love, ftw
 
2007-07-26 10:11:07 AM  
DaShredda - James Bond is a horrible spy.

I think the word you're groping for is 'ficticious'.
 
2007-07-26 10:11:25 AM  
I have nothing useful to contribute, but I will tell you this...

If you have the OLD Bond DVD Box Sets (2001-02ish)....

SELL THEM!

When the Ultimate DVD sets came out last year (5.1 Audio, digitally remastered video) I decided to sell my 3 old sets, and purchase those, just hoping to not have to come out of pocket too much for the new ones.

Bought the 4 new box sets for less than $200, sold the three old ones for a bit more than $350.

Apparently, the third box set (the blue one) wasn't out for very long. Got $175 for that one alone.

Therefore:
1. Buy new Bond DVDs
2. Sell some rube the "old and busteds"
3. Profit!!!
 
2007-07-26 10:12:21 AM  
www.universalexports.net

really getting a kick out of these replies...
 
2007-07-26 10:13:49 AM  
by the way, the worst spy evAr has to be sidney bristow on alias. every single time she tried to infiltrate an enemy base, she got caught by some wandering guard. it was like a friggin' video game!

hawt, though.
 
2007-07-26 10:17:55 AM  
James!


www.colossusblog.com
 
2007-07-26 10:20:19 AM  
Best spy ever?


Bourne? That guy from the Tom Clancy novels/ Rainbow Six? Mrs. Plame?
 
2007-07-26 10:20:25 AM  
My favorite James Bond was David Niven. And Peter Sellars. And Woody Allen. And a whole mess o' James Bonds. At Casino Royale.

/The original spy spoof.
 
2007-07-26 10:21:17 AM  
Beatlefreak: I actually found I liked Casino Royale the best of the Bond movies.
But really, come on. A Bond Movie always has a basic formula: James Bond meets girl. Girl gets herself kidnapped/finds herself in trouble with the bad guy. James Bond saves girl. (or in the case of Casino Royale, doesn't save girl, girl drowns)

I watch Bond for the blatant action of it. It's entertaining, and most of the stuff he does I wouldn't do in a million years.



On har Majesty's Secret Service didn't follow that formula for a similar reason as well.
 
2007-07-26 10:22:29 AM  
lilplatinum:

She's still pretty hot NOW dude.

Beatlefreak:

You, sir, are an asshole. Some of us haven't seen the flick yet. It's not like saying the Titanic sinks in the end.
 
2007-07-26 10:24:01 AM  
Captainbeer,

Casino Royale has been out on DVD for some time now. What are you waiting for?
 
2007-07-26 10:25:16 AM  
CaptainBeer: You, sir, are an asshole. Some of us haven't seen the flick yet. It's not like saying the Titanic sinks in the end.

I hate spoilers as much as the next guy, but if the phrase I actually found I liked Casino Royale the best of the Bond movies.
But really, come on.
didn't tip you off that perhaps you might want to skip to the next post, then I really don't know what to tell you.
 
2007-07-26 10:26:39 AM  
Is that really the point? It's in my netflix queue. I have a few WWII movies to get through first. Cross of Iron, Twelve O'Clock High, A Bridge Too Far (this movie proves the Caine/Hackman theory). It was a spoiler, plain and simple.
 
2007-07-26 10:28:43 AM  
What kind of secret agent tells everyone his real name? Has Bond ever actually used a cover identity?
 
2007-07-26 10:29:31 AM  
CaptainBeer: I have a few WWII movies to get through first.

Here's another spoiler, but I'll hide it for you:

The Allies win

You're welcome.
 
2007-07-26 10:30:10 AM  
Never Say Never Again

Worstest (quasi-)Bond movie ever.
 
2007-07-26 10:30:25 AM  
Rat: Sean Connery's birthday?

© Obscure? Prolly not for FARK.


August 25th. The same as mine.
 
2007-07-26 10:31:06 AM  
us.movies1.yimg.com

"With any luck I'll be insulting Alex Trebek in 20 years."
 
2007-07-26 10:32:19 AM  
It's not gonna ruin the movie for me, and I'm not REALLY angry (someone post the retarded kid), so have no fear. I'll be able to sleep at night.

Oh and Two Dogs Farking, how do you know hitler's brain isn't on ice somwhere in South America? Maybe the war isn't over, just dormant, eh?
 
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