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(Some Guy)   "One Woman's Journey To Conquer Her Fear Of Porn." Any guy could have told her it's one step forward, one step back, one step forward, one step back, one step forward   (alternet.org) divider line 250
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18523 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Jun 2007 at 6:08 AM (7 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-06-29 09:19:35 AM
Are you people reading the stories? This stuff is awesome! If you are at work, you can read this, but you may have to remain seated at your dest for a while:
Story
 
2007-06-29 09:21:19 AM
kilopane: "This seems to be her website:"
is that entire page one huge image?

/boggle
//morans
 
2007-06-29 09:22:17 AM
My wife digs porn. We watch it together. We reap the benefits together. Neither of has any delusions about the other looking like or acting like the people on the screen. So there....
 
2007-06-29 09:29:40 AM
What you're really upset about isn't that your husband likes the way 19 year olds look, or that you'll never look 19 again. It's that you think his sexual attraction to these women is the same as his sexual attraction to you, when it's not. There's no emotional connection in it like there is with you.


But what if the guy is porning it up and, in turn, does not want to have sex with his wife or girlfriend as much any more.

it's, uhhh... hypothetical.
 
2007-06-29 09:30:23 AM
My wife and I have some "quality" time scheduled for tonight.

She just sent me an email telling me "prepare the restraints" for when she gets home....

/whoo hoo!
//porn will probably be involved
 
2007-06-29 09:32:32 AM
Yeah, I get it. I was just trying to be honest, based on recent conversations with friends. I get that it's vain, and delusional, and ridiculous, and anti-feminist and petty and all that rot. We all do, but for a lot of women my age (33) it just seems like we should still be able to be "that girl". We're on our way to acceptance.. it's just really fun being more than the sum of your parts, but having the sum of your parts add up to something pretty darn good. Pissed was probably the wrong word... maybe wistfulness? I'm sure we'll all get over it and be those old ladies on the beach in their string bikinis with hind-ends you could play chinese checkers on and not giving a rat's patoot what anyone thinks.
 
2007-06-29 09:40:33 AM
cackylady

I look at pron sometimes but to me, it all starts to look the same after a while. One 19 year old body starts to look the same as all the others after a while. Same nipple ring, same shave job, same lower back tattoo...blah blah blah.

I can't speak for all men, but I still get excited at the sight of my wife's naked body. I've spent 15 years with it and although it doesn't look the same as when she was 23, it's still hers and I still love it! She doesn't always like how she looks but it turns me on. Women often see themselves as unattractive so they assume their man thinks that way, too, and it's not always the case! There's more to it than just the physical appearance or how it looks in a picture.
 
2007-06-29 09:44:29 AM
FunkOut: It's hard to imagine some woman asking a guy to be humiliated or hurt, if he's not into it, just because she'll enjoy it.

It's hard to imagine, sure, but I definitely wouldn't mind.

Before watching porn, I had no idea so many men get off on women being called stupid, filthy whores or dumb little biatches, etc.

What porn are you watching? You are aware that there's different kinds of porn.

I think that most porn involves male dominance because so many men feel a lack of dominance in their lives. They've got a boss and responsibilities and their fantasies involve having power.

Then you've got the people in power who seek to be dominated and humiliated. Just any dominatrix: Business spikes during party conventions. Especially Republican Party conventions.
 
2007-06-29 09:51:41 AM
h2oincfs
And now you're doing the Cha-Cha.

I came in here to say that...
/I ate what?
 
2007-06-29 09:52:19 AM
Can anyone tell me what DP'd means?
 
2007-06-29 09:52:22 AM
I have a g/f who gladly goes down on me while I watch porn, so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies.

For some reason she gets extremely upset when she thinks I intend to interfere with myself, so she'd rather be involved. Can't say I can argue with that one...
 
2007-06-29 09:53:39 AM
GeorgiaPeach

That's still not right and in this hypothetical situation the wife needs to sit him down and get him talking about it.

Sex > porn, and certainly porn should not be coming before marital nookie.

Maybe he's not getting what he wants in the bedroom, maybe he's just hooked on solo-sex, maybe a lot of stuff, but it's important to communicate about it.
 
2007-06-29 09:55:58 AM
wide_eyed
Can anyone tell me what DP'd means?


Double penetrated. One in the vajayjay, one in the keister,
at the same time by two guys.
 
2007-06-29 09:57:49 AM
cackylacky
what frankzappa said. plus...
from your profile pic you look pretty freakin hot. do you ever notice other guys checking you out the way your husband does to others? pay attention, woman.
i'm the same age as you (and married). a 19 year old *might* be eye candy, but i am way more attracted to older (say 28-45)women who have taken care of themselves. (not that it matters at this point)
Also I am slowly and reluctantly coming to grips with the fact that i'll never play centerfield for the yankees. same shiat, different gender

we'll get over it. but in the mean time make the best of what you got, don't regret whats unattainable
 
2007-06-29 09:57:56 AM
I suppose it's considered backwards and boring these days, but I'm not all that interested in being hurt, humiliated, or dominated or in return, doing that to others. Suddenly being slapped, roughed around, or dictated to (heh) during sex just because some idiot sees that in porn all the time and thinks "This is what women like, I know because that's what I've seen and they enjoy it in porn," just makes me want to cause some return injury and go "Hey, you enjoy that? How's that feel, moron?"

Not sure porn would be of any use to me anyway. I'm usually in the mood, even when it's distracting or inconvenient and my imagination could be described as dangerously overactive. I figure if I've actually googled "ways to lower libido", the last thing I need is porn.
 
2007-06-29 09:59:15 AM
There is sort of a universal unfairness to the way men and women age, and yes it seems to be associated with that youthful ideal of womenhood. I'm probably not the best person to ponder this matter however because my wife happens to be 10 years younger than me - so she hasn't hit that middle age marker yet.

One thing that I did experience in my life however that always has kind of stuck out was a few years ago I was dating a woman that was in her late 30's and she was looking at me one day while we were having coffee - we were sitting in the window and the morning sun was glaring in my eyes and I think I was squinting or something, I really can't tell... anyway she said something that really confused me at the time. She just sort of shook her head a little bit and said, "Damn you're going to be really handsome in a few years".

At the time I didn't understand it, in fact my first reaction was, "What? I'm not handsome now?" But upon reflection, that's not what she meant (obviously). I had never really thought about it before, but there is a lot of evidence there that women tend to find men more attractive as they get older - up to a certain point anyway I'm sure!

I don't know why this is, or even really claim that it's generally true - it's just something that I've noticed with more prevelance with women than with men. It's very rate for a man to comment (ok, practically unheard of) that a woman is going to look better as she ages - so long as the girl is not 12 or 14 anyway!

I'm always looking for reasons for things, and the anthropologist in me wants to attribute the entire fiasco to some sort of darwinian adaptation; ergo men are attracted to young women because they are more likely to bear healthy children while women are attracted to slightly older men because they generally have more social status and resources. Obviously exceptions abound, but it was interesting to think about even if it is total hogwash!
 
2007-06-29 09:59:24 AM
oh, you'd end up wide-eyed...
 
2007-06-29 10:00:51 AM
porn should not be coming before marital nookie

Agreed, guys shouldn't neglect the woman to look at porn, nor should he have to look at porn because the woman neglects him.

Women who never want to fark shouldn't be surprised or upset if your guy looks elsewhere for sexual stimuli.
 
2007-06-29 10:01:07 AM
Gothnet: That's still not right and in this hypothetical situation the wife needs to sit him down and get him talking about it.

In case you haven't noticed, it's not talking he's having a problem with.

Maybe he's not getting what he wants in the bedroom, maybe he's just hooked on solo-sex, maybe a lot of stuff, but it's important to communicate about it.

You know, a lot of people say that, but I've never found communicating to be all that important to the process.

\Aren't women supposed to be mind readers?
 
2007-06-29 10:01:39 AM
TwistedFark
Now, this may sound like a lot of guys fantasys - having a wife that's so kinky, but to tell you the truth there are days when I am just tired of it.

I'm sure you could get plenty of volunteers to give you a break once in a while...
 
2007-06-29 10:02:29 AM
DrinkDifferent: I have a g/f who gladly goes down on me while I watch porn, so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies.

Kids, this is what we grown ups call farking bullshiat.
 
2007-06-29 10:03:58 AM
FunkOut:
Suddenly being slapped, roughed around, or dictated to (heh) during sex just because some idiot sees that in porn all the time and thinks "This is what women like, I know because that's what I've seen and they enjoy it in porn," just makes me want to cause some return injury and go "Hey, you enjoy that? How's that feel, moron?"


I think you called it appropriately - anyone who would do that is a total moron. That doesn't seem to have anything to do with porn per se. I guess I am seeing parallels here to people who think violent video games or movies cause crap like Columbine or VT.

Idiots are going to be idiots no matter what. I wouldn't date them ;)
 
2007-06-29 10:05:58 AM
cackylacky

Based on your profile I don't think you need to be one of the women that needs to worry. Apologies for peeking. ;)

/women who make it to 33 without doubling their arse size, love it

FunkOut
Based on the length of your profile (and your defensive reply), I DO think you are one of the women that needs to worry. Hie thee to a bookstore and buy this book NOW.

//runs back to my g/f who likes it when I call the shots and act a little rough
 
2007-06-29 10:09:43 AM
Hey, one step forward, one step back. As long as one comes after the other over and over and over . . . .
 
2007-06-29 10:10:04 AM
The Icelander: DrinkDifferent: I have a g/f who gladly goes down on me while I watch porn, so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies.

Kids, this is what we grown ups call farking bullshiat.


Actually maybe not.. I mean I have a wife and a friend who go down on me at the same time while we all watch porn.

/Freaky sex
//It's more common than you think
 
2007-06-29 10:10:44 AM
IdBeCrazyIf: Actually maybe not.. I mean I have a wife and a friend who go down on me at the same time while we all watch porn.

I hate you.
 
2007-06-29 10:10:56 AM
The Icelander

Well if he's not talking about it MAKE him, even if it requires a some sort of couples therapy type thing.
If she's not getting her needs met and he's whacking off to porn then they need to do something about it, letting it fester is a bad option.
 
2007-06-29 10:14:36 AM
Teddy Hopper
cackylacky
what frankzappa said. plus...
from your profile pic you look pretty freakin hot. do you ever notice other guys checking you out the way your husband does to others? pay attention, woman.


(looks at cackylady's profile)

Dayum! Your husband should be one happy fella!

i'm the same age as you (and married). a 19 year old *might* be eye candy, but i am way more attracted to older (say 28-45)women who have taken care of themselves. (not that it matters at this point)

I gotta agree with this one. Even if I did have the chance to fark a 19 year old, I doubt I would be able to talk with her long enough to get that far. What the hell would a 42 year old guy have to discuss with a 19 year old? Unless we went right to bed, the evening would be a washout, I'm afraid.

MILF....any woman over 35 that hasn't cut her hair!

(looks at cackylady's profile again)

DAYUM....
 
2007-06-29 10:15:31 AM
I'll go out on a limb here and share my own theory about this. I think men have evolved over the years to know two things: their seed is more likely to spread if they have sex with many women, and their seed is more likely to spread if they have sex with young women. This, of course, isn't how modern Western society works at all; it works on a model more closely to how womens' instincts have evolved over the years: women know their children are more likely to be born and raised safely if they choose a responsible mate and stick with him.

We men are stuck with these instincts regardless. The best we can do is try to put ourselves in a place where we're happiest (which -isn't- running around at age 35 trying to pick up college students).

TheIcelander I agree with almost everything you've said.
 
2007-06-29 10:15:48 AM
IdBeCrazyIf
Actually maybe not.. I mean I have a wife and a friend who go down on me at the same time while we all watch porn.

Dude, you may think that is your wife and a friend but that is your hand. Don't smoke that stuff while watching pron, it warps your perceptions.
 
2007-06-29 10:17:59 AM
What The Icelander said. If more women understood this, life would be better for all of us.
 
2007-06-29 10:18:29 AM
I should have added: this doesn't preclude men from falling in love at all. It just makes us fall in love differently from how women do.
 
2007-06-29 10:20:09 AM
One step forward, one step back?
I thought it was 3 shallow and one deep.
 
2007-06-29 10:20:31 AM
The Icelander:
I hate you.

Yeah, well what if the friend is a guy? Well, maybe you'd be into that, I don't know :P

Gothnet:
If she's not getting her needs met and he's whacking off to porn then they need to do something about it, letting it fester is a bad option.

I agree communication is key. I hate to keep drudging my wife up as an example, but she was a woman who was blessed with the capability of having multiple vaginal o's - yet was with a string of guys for 5 years that never gave her a single one. Then along I come and after a bit of talking, experimenting, and keeping an open mind, it's extremely rare that she gets up from the table still hungry if you know what I mean.

I'm not some sort of Don Juan or Lothario either - I just took the time to talk to her and really listen, to what she was telling me. She did the same to me in turn and we have a fantastic sex life to show for it.

So all I can say is, "talk and try" and keep at it until you get it right. It's really a give and take sort of thing, but well worth the effort.
 
2007-06-29 10:20:39 AM
Gothnet: Well if he's not talking about it MAKE him, even if it requires a some sort of couples therapy type thing.

Yes, because if there's anything a man likes more than talking about feelings, it's being forced to talk about their feelings. If this hypothetical woman really wants her husband to talk about this, she should dangle the carrot (heh) of freakier sex. "Hey honey, I know you wack off to porn a lot and I want you to not need to do that. I want to be able to please you, so let's talk about it or go to a therapist."

That would get me talking pretty damn quick. Of course, the chances that he'll say something insensitive like, "I want you to find a friend who help you give me a beej while I watch porn."

If a woman is convinced that anything other than missionary is "dirty," there's not many a man in modern times who will be satisified with that.

If she's not getting her needs met and he's whacking off to porn then they need to do something about it, letting it fester is a bad option.

And what if she's getting her needs met by having him whack off to porn? What if he's whacking off to porn because he's not getting his needs met, and has no chance of getting his needs met?
 
2007-06-29 10:22:28 AM
There is always more than one angle to these things...

What cackylacky said about wistfulness(?) goes both ways.

"Professional" porn isn't interesting to me. Sometimes they can fake it okay but usually it comes off (so to speak) as forced and phony. It's not believable or hot or even interesting most of the time. That and the fact that nothing is left to the imagination pretty much takes the fun out of it.

Taken from the other side of the fence from a middle aged man with a wife that is less than.. um.. receptive to change or experimentation. The amateur stuff has a real vicarious thrill to it because those days are over for me. And I didn't have many of them to begin with.

Watching real people exhibit real passion is a turn on because that's the only way I'm going to see that. If it's not in a highly controlled environment under predictable circumstances - it ain't happening at my house.

So be thankful for what you do have and what you can do with it. 19 year olds are cute but eventually you have to talk to them and that's just not that interesting, the last I checked. There's only so much that can buy you. Personality is so much more important.
 
2007-06-29 10:22:31 AM
T-Boy
IdBeCrazyIf
Actually maybe not.. I mean I have a wife and a friend who go down on me at the same time while we all watch porn.

Dude, you may think that is your wife and a friend but that is your hand. Don't smoke that stuff while watching pron, it warps your perceptions.


Don't eat Cheetos, either, because your dink will get all orange...
 
2007-06-29 10:23:34 AM
TwistedFark: Yeah, well what if the friend is a guy? Well, maybe you'd be into that, I don't know :P

A beej is a beej, man.

\Straight
\\Not narrow.

bheilig: TheIcelander I agree with almost everything you've said.

Note to self: Avoid health care threads. Stick to the sex threads.

\Knows a thing or two about not getting what you want the way you want it
 
2007-06-29 10:24:22 AM
TTIWWP.

Why can't people post pics of hot porn stars with their clothes on?

Fark sucks.
 
2007-06-29 10:24:59 AM
Ah yes, the aging man. I'm a 36 year-old red-headed guy (and yes, I avoided another thread on that topic), and have been married for over 10 years.

I certainly find it amusing that in the last few years I've noticed that I seem to be 'coming into my own' looks wise (not as long haired or bushy as the profile 'pic', but you get the idea). I dunno, maybe it is confidence as well? I just think it is ironic that I feel I am at my most attractive in the last few years, yet, I can't 'do' anything with it. I just kinda wish I could go back in time a bit and take my confidence to my early 20's and REALLY enjoy myself more than I did then. Ah well, we make choices, we should stick to 'em.
 
2007-06-29 10:25:28 AM
IdBeCrazyIf: Actually maybe not.. I mean I have a wife and a friend who go down on me at the same time while we all watch porn.

What's his name?
 
2007-06-29 10:27:05 AM
The Icelander:

Funny, the situation you presented is the exact same conversation the wife and I had before we started on our long road of dirty nasty freaky sex fun.

We were open about our wants desires and fantasies and because we both love each other and care about each other deeply we both wanted to fulfill the other's desires and wants to their fullest.

I get to have freaky sex not because I'm a selfish misogynistic prick who manipulates my lover into doing what I want based on cultural pressures from media outlets like porn.

No

I get to have freaky sex because the women I choose to spend the rest of my life with loves me so much she's willing to give me anything in this world, and vice versa. I love her so much that I'm willing to give her anything she wants.

Damn.. I dissapear for 2 weeks and I see a ton of new faces.
 
2007-06-29 10:27:36 AM
ObscureNameHere: I certainly find it amusing that in the last few years I've noticed that I seem to be 'coming into my own' looks wise (not as long haired or bushy as the profile 'pic', but you get the idea). I dunno, maybe it is confidence as well? I just think it is ironic that I feel I am at my most attractive in the last few years, yet, I can't 'do' anything with it. I just kinda wish I could go back in time a bit and take my confidence to my early 20's and REALLY enjoy myself more than I did then.


shiat, I'm in my mid-twenties and I wish I could take my confidence back into my teenage years and do something with them.

Ah well, we make choices, we should stick to 'em.

I call this "the man's burden." Real men make a commitment and stick to it. Boys go back on them. It is a burden, but a man can bear it.
 
2007-06-29 10:30:26 AM
Hebalo

Nah was a female this time around.

Male thirds are almost always worse than female thirds... but let's not derail this topic anymore.
 
2007-06-29 10:31:56 AM
The Icelander
Kids, this is what we grown ups call farking bullshiat.

Dude. I'm 35. LOL. Ignorance is bliss =) They're out there, I found one, nyaah nyaah. (actually, this is not the first interesting one i've dated- my last g/f was bi, which is a whole 'nother story)

/and still i am commitment-phobic, when I keep meeting women like these

IdBeCrazyIf

If that is true... where is my Borat "VERY NICE" image when I need it...

...
Anecdote: I dated a woman who had this division in her head between "teddy-bear sex" and "hardcore farking", and it was obvious that she really did like the all-out-and-out farking kind of sex (when it happened) but felt guilty about it, made me feel bad about it when I wanted that kind of sex (she started crying once when I used my foot on the bed for leverage [!], I'm not kidding... granted, this was at her friend's wedding, lol) and thus relegated me to the "teddy-bear" kind. That relationship ended of course, but the larger question is, MEN have no such division in their heads, why do some women? Insecurities... Ladies, PLEASE do not condemn your men to dainty sex at all times, it is meant to be rough sometimes and that makes it very good for us, and we will love you regardless.
 
2007-06-29 10:39:11 AM
IdBeCrazyIf:

Swinging actually came up in a conversation that the wife and I had one time, but the consensus seemed to be that we weren't particularly interested in sharing the emotional aspects of our relationship with a third person and we are unable to divorce our emotions from the physical act of sex. Also I know that I for one am a jealous fark who doesn't like to share his cookies, while my wife's sub tendancies require a huge comfort/safety zone for her to really let herself get "lost in the moment".

Anyway, I kind of look at swingers like I do gay people. I don't quite understand it, but hey - whatever, I'll throw you a parade.

We've actually thought about going to a few clubs - Mrs. TwistedFark can be quite the exhibitionist sometimes :O

/It's ok, just not in my aunts kitchen while my family is in the next room.
//Actually that's ok too, but just not all the damn time! Sometimes I just want to get a beer from the fridge!
 
2007-06-29 10:39:42 AM
ObscureNameHere

I have noticed that since I've started getting some grey in my hair, I seem to be getting more looks from women when I'm out in public. One checked me out up and down right in front of my wife!
It started about a year ago, when I lost about 30 pounds, got new glasses and the grey started showing up. All of a sudden, I noticed more women were looking at me. Women my age and younger!

I don't know why this is happening, but I'll enjoy it while I can..
 
2007-06-29 10:43:46 AM
TwistedFark

There are many levels of freak, if it's something you've talked about and are open about it I would honestly suggest you visit a club or two.

The number one rule we have is no is no. Period.

Besides many times my wife and I just get off on being watched and watching others during the act. There are many nights where we've just been with each other while others were in the room.
 
2007-06-29 10:46:14 AM
Mytdawg: So be thankful for what you do have and what you can do with it. 19 year olds are cute but eventually you have to talk to them and that's just not that interesting, the last I checked. There's only so much that can buy you. Personality is so much more important.

That definitely is worth repeating. I'm 38. When I was 35 I dated two eighteen year olds and a 23 year old (not at the same time).
It was sort of a mid-life crisis thing. What older dude wouldn't want to get naughty with some really attractive girls that age?
I'm a musician and I think that had a LOT to do with them being with me.
Anyway, those girls bodies were really fun to play with but it never really went much past that. All their young person dramas got on my nerves pretty quick.

Now at age 38 I'm in a serious relationship with a 26 year old. She's a world traveler and a lot of fun AND is a good conversationilist as well as being very intelligent. So I'm getting the best of both worlds now.
 
2007-06-29 10:46:14 AM
zappaisfrank: All of a sudden, I noticed more women were looking at me. Women my age and younger!

It's called the daddy complex. Many women usually younger ones, will often seek out men who remind them over their father and exhibit provider traits.

Most women don't even realize they are doing it half the time, just like most guys don't even realize how much they're assessing woman as mates while walking in public, etc...
 
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