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(Chicago Sun-Times)   Author discusses how to tell if a woman is still a virgin, including the beer bottle label test   (suntimes.com) divider line 129
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33175 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Mar 2007 at 2:17 AM (8 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-03-29 02:02:23 AM  
The easiest way to tell is ask if she'll have sex with me. If she says no, she must be a virgin who is saving herself for marriage.

Or a lesbian.
 
2007-03-29 02:10:58 AM  
Well, this thread will be full of snark, but that was a really interesting article. Nice find submitter.
 
2007-03-29 02:19:46 AM  
Ask yourself this question: is she ugly and 12?
 
2007-03-29 02:23:53 AM  
"brides have inserted everything into their vaginas from ground glass to leeches -- to the blood-filled bladders of fish and the innards of songbirds, the blood of chickens and ducks and doves, and sponges soaked in pigs' blood"

www.encyclopediadramatica.com
 
2007-03-29 02:26:38 AM  
we_hates: Ask yourself this question: is she ugly and 12?

Doesn't always work down South.

/yeah, I went there
 
2007-03-29 02:29:00 AM  
whereas it's easy to tell if a man is a virgin: he has a fark account
 
2007-03-29 02:30:27 AM  
urrounded by married women and propped up on a pillow, the bride spreads her legs as a village elder inserts a finger, wrapped in a lacy white handkerchief, into the bride's vagina. As long as the handkerchief emerges with yellowish stains from the honra, all is well.

So the village elder gets to fingerbang the bride in front of half the village to make sure that she's a virgin? Would that be a male elder or a female elder? That sounds like the start of at least a half a dozen pornos to me.
 
2007-03-29 02:30:36 AM  
elpepe55 [TotalFark]

Self-incrimination FTW!
 
2007-03-29 02:33:02 AM  
elpepe55: whereas it's easy to tell if a man is a virgin: he has a fark account

must be a total fark thing.
/badger rape counts and sex yeah?
 
2007-03-29 02:36:01 AM  
img178.imageshack.us

And with that, I'm off to bed....
 
2007-03-29 02:36:31 AM  
For every ugly person, there's someone even more ugly that will have sex with them. Don't give up hope, Farkers.
 
2007-03-29 02:38:19 AM  
Article is a bunch of feminist B.S. Halfway in she starts talking about how the concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality. That's damn ridiculous. I thought it was because, at least nowadays in societies where torturing women has become a faux pas, virginity was prized because it was a sign of respect for the importance of sex, and its sacredness. I mean, everyone says virgins are terrible at sex, so it can't be because nailing a virgin is a great time.

I would like nothing more than to marry a virgin woman. Why? Because I believe sex is more than just a pleasant physical act; it's something, to me at least, that should only be shared with your spouse. Which is why I haven't had sex yet, either. Only fair, you know.

/Seriously, that's why...
//Stop laughing.
 
2007-03-29 02:39:20 AM  
"every virgin's vagina "is a grape, an uva, that contains a yellowish liquid," the honra. "It is burst -- virginity and honra spilled at the very same time -- in a ceremonial defloration that happens as part of the wedding celebration, for a woman's honra should not be permitted to just trickle away unnoticed. It would hardly be proper."

Mmmmm, licky licky.
 
2007-03-29 02:43:02 AM  
Or you can just send her to Rhea of the Coos.

Ground glass

...
...
...

I didn't want to consider that...

Oh, and considering how women, virgin or not, bleed from that area ANYWAY on a monthly basis, it amazes me that the women never did just work out how to time it so that Hubby can feel proud of himself but really he was just earning his Red Wings.

Female virginity assures men that no cuckoos infiltrate their nests.

That don't work after the first one, you know. Easier test, if baby comes up /yeah, preemies survive NOWDAYS. Back then, not so much.
 
2007-03-29 02:44:20 AM  
arrgh! The whole emphasis on a womans virginity is horse crap. I'll never understand the glee with wich some men pursue virgins! omfg she's a virgin ima gonna pop her cherry!

popped one cherry. twas hell on earth..the sex and the fallout and just....yeah...screw virgins and their prudish ways their narrow vaginas that are sandy.

give me whores please, big nasty whores with sloppy coonts..i don't want to hear "ow that hurts" after every thrust.
 
2007-03-29 02:46:24 AM  
Kempnerius: Article is a bunch of feminist B.S. Halfway in she starts talking about how the concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality. That's damn ridiculous. I thought it was because, at least nowadays in societies where torturing women has become a faux pas, virginity was prized because it was a sign of respect for the importance of sex, and its sacredness.

Well, you thought wrong.

You can call the book and the article "feminist B.S." if you like, just as lots of people these days call the theory of evolution "atheist B.S." It doesn't make you any less ignorant.
 
2007-03-29 02:49:58 AM  
Okay, my post got filter eaten. Try again.

Men, if your firstborn arrives in less than 9 months after your diddling and the doc says it was full term, start looking around.

Ditto if it arrives in more than 9 months and it's not overgrown...
 
2007-03-29 02:50:31 AM  
How about if she has bizarre hangups about the most innocuous sexual acts after the fact (Really, a handjob? That's something like two steps beyond a peck on the cheek.) while alternating between being infatuated with the idea of a "Prince Charming" and avoiding you out of guilt for multiple days afterwards until you talk her tensions out enough to go out for farking coffee.

Both of the virgins I've been involved with on any level have been batshiat farking crazy and had more hangups that Coatracks-R-Us. All the extremely experienced women I've been involved with have had fun, healthy attitudes towards sex.

Why is that? Is my experience abnormal in that regard?
 
2007-03-29 02:53:05 AM  
2007-03-29 02:50:31 AM worldbeater
All the extremely experienced women I've been involved with have had fun, healthy attitudes towards sex.

Ah. In otherwords, willing to screw and not get fixated on it. Which is how they got experienced in the first place.
 
2007-03-29 02:53:19 AM  
In some rural communities in the American South, a man tests a woman's virginity by pressing a glob of his earwax to her vulva.

WTF
 
2007-03-29 02:56:28 AM  
Ishidan
Ah. In otherwords, willing to screw and not get fixated on it. Which is how they got experienced in the first place.


Not get fixated on it? I'm not sure exactly how to read that. I just meant that they don't think it makes them dirty, impure, unclean, etc.
 
2007-03-29 02:58:29 AM  
Ummm, you could just ask her...

/been there, done that, don't want to have to train 'em anymore
 
2007-03-29 03:02:44 AM  
FTFA: that only a virgin could remove the label from a beer bottle in one piece."

Wha?
 
2007-03-29 03:03:14 AM  
I thought the beer label test had to do with....depth.
 
2007-03-29 03:03:43 AM  
In some rural communities in the American South, a man tests a woman's virginity by pressing a glob of his earwax to her vulva.

Do NOT google for "earwax vulva". I repeat: DO NOT GOOGLE IT!
 
2007-03-29 03:04:20 AM  
fusillade762

Hahahaha! Yeah, that'll work...
 
2007-03-29 03:21:03 AM  
"Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there until that night Junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by. And he brought a copy of 'About Last Night' and a four-pack of Bartel's & James and ba-dow! Hoo-hoo-hoo! It was gone forever. Just like my patience is now."
 
2007-03-29 03:29:02 AM  
In some rural communities in the American South, a man tests a woman's virginity by pressing a glob of his earwax to her vulva.

Listen, I was really really drunk when that happened.
 
2007-03-29 03:33:23 AM  
Simple. Fark 'em, and then you know they aren't a virgin.

Actually, I had a friend (no romance, just friends) who was a virgin, who started hinting that she didn't want to be a virgin any more. I told her I wasn't interested. I expected it would mess with our friendship, and I didn't want to deal with any regrets she had. We're still friends. She got devirginized later, and I think that she is glad she waited.

She was pretty hot (especially back then), but I have no regrets. It would have been harder to say no if I didn't have a couple of girls that hooked up with me regularly. On the other hand, if I hadn't, she probably wouldn't have offered. (She knew those girls.)
 
2007-03-29 03:56:48 AM  
We laugh, of course -- but we could as easily cry. For so many women, historically and right this minute, a wrong answer on a virginity test can ruin, even end, their lives. A woman can be "imprisoned, maimed, mutilated, flogged, raped, or even killed as punishment for losing her virginity," says Blank,

i dont see many atheists coming up with this shiat, so follow god/Allah why????
 
2007-03-29 04:00:09 AM  
Interesting Korean folk-test to see if a girl's a virgin:

When she's sitting down, give her an umbrella. If she holds it between her legs, she's not a virgin. If she holds it not between her legs, she's a virgin. Not sure if it's common anymore.
 
2007-03-29 04:02:47 AM  
mypalmike: Do NOT google for "earwax vulva". I repeat: DO NOT GOOGLE IT!

Why oh why did that convince me to look.

The goggles and all that. I'll be nice and just post the address:

NSFH
http://home.swipnet.se/sonoloco10/golden/golden1r.jpg
 
2007-03-29 04:17:22 AM  
If she lets you get close enough to find out if she is a virgin, she probably isn't.

(Or won't be for long!)
 
2007-03-29 04:56:25 AM  
The mention that curently in the deep south US men press their earwax into a girl's vulva to test their virinity is the most disturbing one - how the fark did that start out?!

/Besides, you should already know if your sister puts out
 
2007-03-29 05:08:47 AM  
That's damn ridiculous. I thought it was because, at least nowadays in societies where torturing women has become a faux pas, virginity was prized because it was a sign of respect for the importance of sex, and its sacredness.
No, no, no--people who think sex is important do it all the time, not NEVER! That doesn't even make sense.
 
2007-03-29 05:20:29 AM  
LOL! Women who are virgins? Only if they never leave their house.
 
2007-03-29 05:31:08 AM  
RACETRAITOR

Interesting Korean folk-test to see if a girl's a virgin:

When she's sitting down, give her an umbrella. If she holds it between her legs, she's not a virgin. If she holds it not between her legs, she's a virgin. Not sure if it's common anymore.


Interesting Korean Folk test: is she korean?
Then she's a virgin.

/No I'm not bitter
 
2007-03-29 06:26:16 AM  
Kempnerius

You are waaaay too enlightened to be posting on Fark, man. Seriously: that kind of talk is wasted here.

/giving pearls to swine, and all that.
 
2007-03-29 06:55:10 AM  
You mean we still have virgins in this whore worshipping society?
 
2007-03-29 07:15:28 AM  
FTFA: Men, Blank notes, can be "continent" or "celibate," but virgins are always female.
www.latinoreview.com

O RLY?
 
2007-03-29 07:28:04 AM  
I pressed a gob of earwax against a girl's vulva once. Of course, said gob was still in my ear at the time.

/ Pressed a booger against a lot of vulvas, too!
// Of course, said booger....
 
2007-03-29 07:30:36 AM  
What about teh buttsecks?
 
2007-03-29 07:32:00 AM  
Ishidan: Men, if your firstborn arrives in less than 9 months after your diddling and the doc says it was full term, start looking around. Ditto if it arrives in more than 9 months and it's not overgrown...

In the second case, that only applies if you've only had sex with her once. Sorry dude, but some of us get repeat business.
 
2007-03-29 07:32:50 AM  
the Gitano believe that in every virgin's vagina "is a grape

That explains the "wine" that flows once a month. Maybe there's something to this after all.
 
2007-03-29 07:37:57 AM  
with more use of tampons in recent generations (older generations didn't tend to use them when they first came out because of the toxic shock syndrome scare) most girls you encounter aren't exactly virginal, as tampon use has helped partially break their hymen. Besides, breaking a hymen is sometimes the only tight part of some va jay jays --- the one virgin girl i have been with was average in the tight dept compared to the other girls i have been with and oddly enough one of the more slutty girls i have been with was the tightest fit of them all...if she wasn't wet, used spit, or had lube, the first couple of inserts were painfull to for me
 
2007-03-29 07:49:03 AM  
In some rural communities in the American South, a man tests a woman's virginity by pressing a glob of his earwax to her vulva.

Wait - my mother's family is from Alabama, and I have never heard of anything remotely like this.

Where the fark did the author get this information? I'm betting she made it up one lonely night in a sweaty, masochistic fantasy and then pulled it from her bitter, neglected vagina.
 
2007-03-29 07:51:57 AM  
"the bride spreads her legs as a village elder inserts a finger"

Who knew public finger-banging was so hot in other parts of the world, too?
 
2007-03-29 08:02:17 AM  
Cryokenetic: "Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there until that night Junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by. And he brought a copy of 'About Last Night' and a four-pack of Bartel's & James and ba-dow! Hoo-hoo-hoo! It was gone forever. Just like my patience is now."

Dr. Cox FTW!
 
2007-03-29 08:28:00 AM  
I was a virgin until I was 19, and my parents did all they could to ensure that I would be full of neurotic fear (well, my mother did). Boys screw bad girls, and good girls save themselves for marriage, etc.

It's not funny. I was really full of hangups, and the first guy I was with was a) not a good partner, and b) tried to get all controlling. At which point I dumped his ass and went celibate, because if all sex got me was an attitude and a messy crotch, then I could do without thankyouverymuch. Honest to God, I thought guys could tell I wasn't a virgin - like there was a huge neon sign over my head.

My husband, back even before he was my husband, was wonderful (and persistent). He eased me out of all those hangups, and it turns out that, once free of the psychological baggage, I have a very active libido. And all I could think was, "My God!! That's years I've wasted, being a 'good girl'!!!"

God bless all men with the patience & skill to turn a shivering virgin into a whole woman. Virginity sucks.
 
2007-03-29 08:30:36 AM  
www.spiderjay.com
Reh-HEE-ly now?
 
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