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(Some Guy)   How to stop masterbating   (textfiles.com) divider line 88
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6294 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jul 2001 at 4:03 AM (13 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2001-07-07 04:27:40 PM
The Temple of the Screaming Electron? Heh, I knew these Mormons were weird, but this goes beyond that. Sounds like Scientology to me.
 
2001-07-07 04:29:32 PM
Never Masturbate! Because you'll make a MAST out of UR BAT and ING! Or something.
 
2001-07-07 04:33:33 PM
If you're trying to cut down on masturbation, ignore the advice about exercise. Any strenuous activity like running and weightlifting (within moderation of course) leads to an increase in testosterone, which most of us men don't need any more of anyway.
 
2001-07-07 04:46:21 PM
i enlisted the power of prayer, but it made me think of this hot chick at my church...another black day.
 
2001-07-07 04:46:25 PM
good point, legman. not to mention the fact that nearly any activity you engage in regularly tends to lead to associating with others who like that activity. and athletic girls tend to be, shall we say, fit. plus the whole running thing.
 
2001-07-07 05:06:38 PM
Hate to ruin all the fun, but his little stop masturbating guide is a hoax that has been floating around for quite a while. The mormon church has denied any involvement in it.
 
2001-07-07 05:25:16 PM
What if you think about being in a bathtub filled with worms and eating some when you masturbate? Not that I do, I'm just asking for those who are too shy to ask.
 
2001-07-07 05:38:04 PM
Coming soon

How to SPELL Masturbation
 
2001-07-07 05:46:35 PM
Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal, award yourself a quarter. Spend it on something that delights you.

I always spend my quarters on the little mini-movie booths.
 
2001-07-07 05:52:35 PM
"In severe cases, tie a hand to the bed frame."

Haaa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
 
2001-07-07 05:55:30 PM
Joe Rogan did a little "masturbation moratorium" the other month. If you don't know him, he's a comedian and he's on Newsradio. If you've heard any of his stand up, you'd know he's pretty damn oversexed as it is, so it was quite a challenge for him. He came up with some interesting insights in his jerk-free 30 days. It might still be on his website joerogan.net.
 
2001-07-07 06:21:13 PM
 
2001-07-07 06:35:40 PM
Why the hell would I wanna stop doing that?
If not for masturbation and Fark, what the hell else would I use my home PC for?
 
BX
2001-07-07 06:38:36 PM
::looks at his calender after one day::

I be damned.. I have already marked this day black four times.. oh well, whats another gonna do?

::zip::
 
2001-07-07 06:49:18 PM
How do you award yourself a quarter?

If I can do that, that means I already have that quarter, and it's most likely going to be spent on something I want anyway.
 
2001-07-07 07:00:10 PM
Boss needed to fire either Jack or Jill, H the company in the Bush economy could not suppor tboth of them... and he did not know which one to let go.....to make a long story short...Jill asked boss why he looked so forlorn...Boss replied "I do not know whether to lay Jill or Jack off" Jill told him to Jack off as she had a severe headache at that moment...Bwah Ha Ha Ha.....
 
2001-07-07 07:01:11 PM
BTW,...For a quarter, you could get a two bit wh0re, right?
 
2001-07-07 07:10:44 PM
"Move to New Jersey". Sorry that wont help you to stop masturbating. I know this because, ummm someone told me it doesn't. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
2001-07-07 07:36:00 PM
Kat, BraveToaster

Are you sure your not confusing your your little bet with a Seinfeld episode. Where Jerry says it's not fair for Elaine to play. C'mon ya'll can't fool us.
 
2001-07-07 08:09:05 PM
FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FA

uh....did someone say something?

oh well.

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
 
2001-07-07 08:24:25 PM
The only thing that seems to curb my masturbation is having sex. And that only curbs it for as long as I'm having sex. Soon as I'm done, I'm shakin' Mr. Willie down for change.
 
2001-07-07 08:41:40 PM
"99% of all males masterbate, 1% don't have hands."

Damn, can anyone say blue balls?
 
2001-07-07 09:20:14 PM
Employ aversion therapy. To cancel out the pleasurableness of
masturbating , associate something very distasteful with the act. For
example, imagine bathing in a tub of worms and eating some of them.

Is it just me or doesn't this turn you on?
 
2001-07-07 09:35:43 PM
Uhh...dont get me wrong here,Im not a holy roller or anything.But I have read the bible forward,backwards upside down and sideways 100's of times growing up and nowhere did it say not to jack off,there is a passage about spilling one's seed but that is open to opinion.Personally I think it means Bukkake is sinful.
 
2001-07-07 09:54:38 PM
"99% of all males masterbate, 1% don't have hands."

No, I actually had a friend in college who said he had never masturbated... amongst a whole bunch of drunk people joking about masturbation and he is real quiet the entire time... then he quietly chimes in, "I have never jerked off, its gross." Now this was a 21 year old guy who did not really get that much play in the first place... so needless to say we were all farking floored. A 21 year old guy who had not yet discovered the joy of choking the chicken.

The best part of the whole night was one of the girls there calling him odd that he never jerked off because she did it at least once a day... usually more.
 
2001-07-07 10:30:05 PM
"Hold an object -- for example, a Bible -- even in bed at night."

Hey, How come all the pages of my Bible are stuck together?
 
2001-07-08 01:27:56 AM
SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!
 
2001-07-08 01:44:38 AM
Wait a minute

This is a Mormon guide to stop masterbating. Maybe they want you to go fark as many women as possible instead?
 
2001-07-08 03:37:30 AM
I'm blind!!! I'm blind!!! Oh why didn't I listen?!!
 
2001-07-08 04:31:19 AM
tastyj... there is a movie about going 40 days and nights for lent with no sex at all.. no kissing, touching, smacking the willy...exc... Saw the preview at Legally Blond movie.
Masterbating is good for the sex drive and for the body. It releases chemicals in the body to make us feel happy. Lack of masterbation is probley the reason for all the holy wars. Men shooting each other rather then shooting the sperm.
 
2001-07-08 04:59:14 AM
Does it count if my girlfriend does it?
 
2001-07-08 05:06:18 AM
"Hold an object -- for example, a Bible -- even in bed at night."

What a better time to hold an object in bed - maybe NOT a Bible - than at night....


- I'll have mine to go, please....
 
2001-07-08 09:48:52 AM
Patron: kat already told that thats where they got the idea from...

kat: i always wondered where you got all your money from!!!! you little stealer...grrrr
 
HPZ [TotalFark]
2001-07-08 11:45:13 AM
Fuzzmosis: "99% of all males masterbate, 1% don't have hands."

I heard A different statistic:
95% of men masturbate. 5% are liars.

Plus, I'm pretty sure (not from experience or anything...) that you can do just fine at that most ancient of one-player sports with no hands at all.

Coffee2go4me: "Hold an object -- for example, a Bible -- even in bed at night."

"Now class, open your Bible to the Book of John, section B, verse seven. Little Billy, why isn't your Bible open? [tries to pry pages apart] Rrrgh... Rrrghhh... [cracklecruch] Hmm... these pages seem to be cemented together with some fantastic epoxy...."
 
2001-07-08 02:13:48 PM
Masturbation is good for you. It helps to keep you sex organs functioning. Why would anyone want to quit, it would be unhealthy

10~Z
 
2001-07-08 10:25:57 PM
This reminds me of the time I asked my nephew Sheldon whether he was gay, straight or bisexual and he says "Bubbe, I am ambidexterous". Oy, he is such a smartass, that little petselah.
 
2001-07-13 01:35:32 AM
LOL My husband doesn't need to do it, he's got ME to do it for him! :)
 
2001-07-13 01:37:36 AM
I forgot to add, there's nothing in the Bible condemning masturbation, so where're they getting this info from? I personally see nothing wrong with it so long as you're not obsessed with it.

I hate nosy people.
 
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