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(Some egghead)   Nagging spouse study finds people do the opposite of what's being nagged about. Ric Romero would be on the story but he's being told to take the trash out for the 18th time   (eurekalert.org) divider line 151
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4660 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Feb 2007 at 3:30 PM (7 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2007-02-13 05:33:34 PM
Golf clap, bari_saxy_momma. I bet you two have a stellar relationship.
 
2007-02-13 05:41:13 PM
my boyfriend has the "do it so badly you'll never be asked to do it again" down to a t. He so far has FUBAR'd the laundry (shrunken, moldy, red sweater washed with white sweater), cleaning the bathroom ("you mean that yellow stuff in the sink comes off?"), and sweeping the floors ("I just made a path through the room").

That clever bastard.
 
2007-02-13 05:45:51 PM
Regnad Kcin
What color is the sky on your world, bari? Can I come live there someday?

Ok, I'll admit my post sounded a little bit hokey, but we honestly do have an amazing relationship. We have been through some tough crap together (a stalker tried to run me down in her car, we both lost jobs through no fault of our own, we had a house fire and ridiculous lawsuit stemming from it, and a few other incidents) and I think that it's brought us closer together. We're not rich - both teacher's with student loans - but we're content and satisfied. We have everything we need, we have 2 beautiful daughters, and life is good here. Why make ourselves miserable picking at each other all the time?
 
2007-02-13 05:45:58 PM
Bonehead
You know she already bought it, right?

Actually, I'm supposed to make it happen.
The timing is what made it funny:)
 
2007-02-13 05:47:21 PM
ok. I want some REAL advice then.

What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?

I've tried ignoring things in the hopes that you'll get sick of it and do it yourself. I've tried asking. I've tried dropping hints.

And the answer is not "put out more and we'll do whatever you want us to" because I already do that too.
 
2007-02-13 05:51:06 PM
added note: Please don't think I live in a fantasy world, and am deluding myself. I'm not trying to say we don't have disagreements or annoy each other at times. We're both human, and therefore both fallible. I'm just saying that, in trying to make the other person happy, we both find ourselves happy as well.

/This only works if both parties are involved. It has to be a two-way street.
 
2007-02-13 05:53:22 PM
The next time someone asks me why I'm still single I'll just point them to this thread.
 
2007-02-13 05:56:10 PM
turtlissa
What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?
You know what needs to be done, do it yourself

/ducks
 
2007-02-13 05:56:46 PM
bari_saxy_momma

What you're saying there makes me feel better about my g/f and me. We call our one rule "WYSIWYG" (what you see is what you get). We'd each been through some tough times on our own before we got together (me: divorce, layoff; her: ex-husband gambled and smacked her around) and we're both 'of a certain age', so we know what we want and how we'd like to be treated. We're also pretty good with the whole 'golden rule' thing.

Two more rules: I don't ask her to shovel snow, and she doesn't ask me to empty the damn dishwasher. I don't know why, but I'd rather hand-wash a whole sink full of dishes than empty the dishwasher.
 
2007-02-13 05:58:56 PM
I just know I'm in trouble when I get an email that starts with "I love you" instead of ends with it.
 
2007-02-13 06:03:48 PM
Brief note: the g/f's "tough times" were a lot tougher than mine, and I bear that in mind.
 
2007-02-13 06:08:11 PM
When my wife nags me I make an effort to do what she says. Because honestly she's usually right and whatever it is needs to get done.

Pussy-whipped? Yeah, pretty much.
 
2007-02-13 06:12:47 PM
turtlissa


ok. I want some REAL advice then.

What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?


You figure that out, you win the prize: your very own happy man! Or a 12 oz. tin of carmel corn, whichever you prefer. (Most women take the corn.)

I think it's got something to do with us men being the Protector of the Tribe, saving our families from any and all outside threats with our unparalleled skills at mortal combat, procreation, strategy and the like.
So, you should make us think that only we can save you from whatever threat you feel like having fixed that day:
"Honey, I'm so frightened! I'm afraid to go into the living room because it's so DARK! If only there was some way to beat that awful darkness."
"Ha ha, my silly little female, I can save you! All I need to do is use my superior electronic knowledge and hand-eye coordination to change this light bulb!"
"Ch..ch..CHANGE a LIGHT BULB? YOU can DO that?!?"
"Of course. Stand back now, I don't want you to get injured."
"Be careful, honey!"
*click*
"My hero!"

..and like that.


Tech-no-logi-cal Ro-mance!
 
2007-02-13 06:13:28 PM
turtlissa

I've found that regular reminders of appreciation make for a happy home - as long as you don't expect something back. I can thrill my husband for a week by baking a batch of bread, and he has no idea how much I appreciate him making sure I get an opportunity to run/walk (by myself) every day.

turings_other_machine
He cleans the cat box, and I fold the laundry :)
 
2007-02-13 06:13:50 PM
homebusiness-websites.com
 
2007-02-13 06:15:09 PM
turtlissa


ok. I want some REAL advice then.

What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?


Nothing. If we're not already doing it, it's a lost cause. Accept this fact and you'll be much happier.

/why do women always try to change men?
 
2007-02-13 06:16:40 PM
The next time someone asks me why I'm still single I'll just point them to this thread.

What were you pointing to before this thread?

I'm just saying that, in trying to make the other person happy, we both find ourselves happy as well.

Yeah, my marriage was working like that, too. Ten years. Then separation and divorce. Can happen fast, can happen to anyone. Cause living in a marriage and trying to make it work is like driving through BAT COUNTRY!

Best of luck to ya.
 
2007-02-13 06:20:28 PM
turtlissa

ok. I want some REAL advice then.

What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?


Four little words: "I need you to ... " followed by one little word: "please." You nag, you get the opposite response.

Men just need to know they're needed. Regnad Kcin ... while exaggerating for comic effect ... is not wrong.
 
2007-02-13 06:23:14 PM
No, I won't be happier with the knowledge that I will always feel like I have to do everything in order for it to get done.
 
2007-02-13 06:27:09 PM
turtlissa


No, I won't be happier with the knowledge that I will always feel like I have to do everything in order for it to get done.

Then I suggest you start looking for a good lawyer...
 
2007-02-13 06:31:11 PM
Ha! I AM a good lawyer so I have one angle covered :)

I'm working on the he needs to feel needed thing but I must also balance that with the I need things to be done NOW thing.

I'm a control freak, I admit it.
 
2007-02-13 06:31:27 PM
I mentioned this before- but if you get your hubby to think it was *his* idea in the first place- you have no worries. That just takes finesse and knowing how your man operates.
 
2007-02-13 06:31:48 PM
towatchoverme
Can happen fast, can happen to anyone.

Yeah, it can. I have to believe that my marriage is as safeguarded as a marriage can be, and I hope to never go through a divorce, but I cannot predict the future. I think, though, if we're both actively trying to keep things working, the liklihood of divorce is lessened.
 
2007-02-13 06:36:17 PM
turtlissa

There are more important things to worry about.
Like getting me a sammich!
/;)
 
2007-02-13 06:36:38 PM
"I will always feel like I have to do everything in order for it to get done."

why do women always feel this way? when i see the yard needs mowing, screen needs fixed, trash needs taken out, i just do it. sometimes i see a mess she made, and i clean it. (usually does not go well)

i never feel like my SO is leaving things around for me to do, or assumes i will do things for her, and i never feel like "i have to do everything"

but i hear this from women all the time (in classic nag voice) "why do i have to do everything around here"
 
2007-02-13 06:43:38 PM
HawaiiE
why do women always feel this way?

Depends on the situation. When I was young, my dad worked, and my mom stayed home with the kids. Mom did most of the housework and cooking, yardwork was done by the entire family on weekends. Seems reasonable to me - a fair split of total work. However, my mom is now teaching, dad is retired, and mom still does most of the housework. It's getting better, now that Dad realizes how tired Mom is, but for quite a while he was too busy with his hobbies to share the load. Did mom nag him? Yeah, probably. Did he deserve it? Without a doubt.
 
2007-02-13 06:45:55 PM
turtlissa
Control is an illusion. Control of an agenda, doubly so.

Unlearn what you have learned, you must.

/happened to me too
 
2007-02-13 06:51:28 PM
Nagger, please.
 
2007-02-13 06:55:52 PM
towatchoverme

What were you pointing to before this thread?

All the extra money in my wallet.
 
2007-02-13 06:58:57 PM
If you have to nag, it's not worth it.

I had a girlfriend that was a slob. I'd nag her to clean up her dishes and other messes. She would just tell me that I need to stop nagging her and if I didn't nag her, she'd do it. (WTF biatch?! Is it too hard to clean up after yourself?)

So I stopped nagging her. She was exactly the same and was still a filthy slob.

I dumped her.
 
2007-02-13 07:46:10 PM
Tutmondigo - All the extra money in my wallet.

If you have to stay single to save a buck, it sounds like you made the right choice!
 
2007-02-13 08:16:46 PM
i61.photobucket.com

Marriage...
 
2007-02-13 08:25:37 PM
What is this "nagging" that you speak of? : )

I seriously hate it, and don't do it, mostly because of hearing it so much when I was growing up. I don't want to be the nagger, because of the negative feelings and resentment the nagged person develops towards the nagger. Totally counterproductive. I have a relationship much like bari_saxy_momma, with lots of sex and blowjobs and steak and the whole nine. But, we still have our off days, its not perfect.
 
2007-02-13 08:28:59 PM
Shadowknight: For me, it's the laundry. I'm awful about it. I'll throw a load in the washer, and it will sit there for a day or two before I put it in the dryer. Then it will sit there another day or two before I fold it.

Not doing laundry is why I got married. I haven't done laundry in going on a decade now.
 
2007-02-13 08:35:03 PM
Turings_Other_Machine: Women hook up with men hoping that they can change us, but they never can. Men hook up with women hoping they won't change, but they always do.

Women want to find the coolest, naughtiest, baddest boy on the planet, marry him, and then have him put his socks in the hamper every night.

Yes, you ladies are NUTS.
 
2007-02-13 09:06:18 PM
My mother made biatching and nagging a true art form. Then she developed cysts the size of softballs in her uterus, her hormones went haywire, and she didn't nag any more. She screamed. Constantly. Every day, whenever something wasn't perfect in her eyes.

I can't nag and I won't. If I'm unhappy with something, I'll do it myself. No way will I ever be like my mother!

If something's bothering me, I'll say something- but even then, I try hard to make sure it's really worth the trouble.
 
2007-02-13 09:19:31 PM
Why do you dumbasses get married? If all men refuse to do it, NONE of us have to...

I don't get laid that much, but I get laid more than you do, because I'm not "happily married"

O ho!
 
2007-02-13 09:40:10 PM
dwrash
If you really love someone, you let them be themselves and you take care of yourself for them. Being self sufficient and low maintenance makes a relationship so much better and deeper.

Thank you, Dr. Phil. If you know anything that actually works in the real world, don't hesitate to drop by again.

feepness
Yes,you ladies are NUTS.
No kidding, They want characteristics from us that are complete polar opposites.
a tough guy who is sensitive, a rebel that behaves, a talkitive guy who listens, a serious guy with a sense of humor, etc.

/seriously, this is one of the funniest threads I think I've ever read on fark.
 
2007-02-13 10:18:55 PM
www.bartcop.com

IF this were my wife (and it isn't), I would want her to nag me along the lines of, "Honey, you pay too much attention to me."

Then I could just do the opposite!
 
2007-02-13 10:56:14 PM
turtlissa

Guys and girls have different ideas of what needs doing and when.

e.g. The lawn is a little long and could do with mowing. To women it seems to be urgent and must be done *now* or they won't be happy. To men they're happy *now* in front of the tv and hey, the lawn can stand to grow another week...

Men seem to have a much higher tolerance for things being imperfect, in my experience, and are much more likely to be satisfied with things as they are rather than as they could be if we just did this and this and this...
 
2007-02-13 10:57:23 PM
I should add that this is why single men often live in a world of dust and assorted belongings strewn all over the place. It just doesn't seem important.
 
2007-02-13 11:01:58 PM
12monkeys: dwrash
If you really love someone, you let them be themselves and you take care of yourself for them. Being self sufficient and low maintenance makes a relationship so much better and deeper.

Thank you, Dr. Phil. If you know anything that actually works in the real world, don't hesitate to drop by again.



Actually if more people focused on the larger picture of a relationship and learned to let go the petty things like socks on a floor, dishes in the sink, etc... the world would be a much smoother place for people.

Nagging is just a symptom of the disease in a relationship.
 
2007-02-13 11:20:31 PM
turtlissa:

ok. I want some REAL advice then. What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?

How about you learn just an inkling about what it is you're asking us to do? Seriously, the thought that a woman would ask me to do something and has absolutely no intention of learning is the largest reason why I do not do it. If you'd put forth some effort on that front I'd be a lot more open to the idea---and---horrors---perhaps the woman could even help me with the task.
 
2007-02-14 12:48:28 AM
Rethorn: Nagger, please.

You forgot the
/obvious
//annoyed Rethorn beat me to it
 
2007-02-14 05:45:43 AM
DistendedPendulusFrenulum:
Back, sack & crack wax?!

/Dear God, that sounds so painful
//wouldn't wish that on anyone
///likes my men natural
////Oh, God, sounds so painful
 
2007-02-14 09:00:49 AM
turtlissa: ok. I want some REAL advice then.

What DOES get you guys to do stuff without us needing to nag?


As mentioned above, make us feel manly for saving you from doing it. This only works on manly type things, though; we won't "save" you from dishes.

Also, ask us politely to do something. "Could you do X for me, hon?" Then, and this is critical, ask us when we'll do it.

That, in my humble divorced experience, is the killer. Women, having asked for X to be done, think that the man will jump up and do X ASAP. That's not how men's minds work. We already have a list of to-dos. Your new request has been slotted in somewhere, and it quite likely takes a back burner to "whatever the hell we're doing right now".

So, ideally, if you want him to, say, switch the laundry over, ask him "Dear, could you switch the laundry over for me?", and when he grunts assent, say "When do you think you'll get to that?"

When he tells you, you now have a schedule, and have free right to biatch if he fails to meet it.

If you want it done sooner than he offers, and this is just as critical, do it yourself. Nagging him to do it sooner will just get his dander up, because you're interrupting whatever he's doing now that's more important to him than whatever you asked him to do. Also important; don't be annoyed by having to do it yourself. Your schedule of importance isn't his.


Of course, this all assumes the two of you have worked out a parity of work; I'm not suggesting letting him laze around watching TV and never do a damn thing. Just that if I say I'll do the vacuuming tomorrow night, then bloody well lay off until/if I don't do it tomorrow night. Or give me a darn good reason to do it sooner, either by bartering something I like, or by explaining the rational reason it needs to be done sooner, like your mother coming over for dinner tomorrow.


I've tried ignoring things in the hopes that you'll get sick of it and do it yourself. I've tried asking. I've tried dropping hints.

We don't get sick of it. And nagging, we were probably nagged as kids by our mothers. They have more experience nagging than you possibly could, and they were better at it. And we have learned to resist them; you won't succeed.

Like I said; schedule a time, and let him pick the time, unless there's a darn good reason it needs to be done sooner. Beyond "it looks dirty now" or some such. If I won't get to the lawn this weekend, so what? It'll be a bit shaggy for a week, and get done next week. Lay off. But if I say I'll do it next weekend, and don't, well, then I've failed in something I promised you I'd do.
 
2007-02-14 09:02:49 AM
My boyfriend nags me a lot. Mostly about little things, so I try not to let it bother me so much, but sometimes it really pisses me off. We don't live together, so it's not about cleaning and housework, but more about how I should live my life. I try to remember that he does it because he cares about me and wants the best for me, but sometimes I do the opposite of what he says just to remind myself that he doesn't control me. Not subconsciously, either. I don't do that too often, though, because it's a crappy way to treat someone you care about.

/not all naggers are women
//and not all nagging is bad
///but it certainly is annoying
 
2007-02-14 12:13:12 PM
There's things that are actively dangerous and/or costly, things that are a potential problem and things that are 100% personal preference. Ditto for the immediacy of things -- things that need to be done right away, things that should be done in the next day or two and things that you may as well do yourself, since no one else even cares.

(1) forgetting to turn the stove off or to lock the door, mowing the lawn when the county/city has mailed you a warning or paying the electric bill when you've gotten a call saying, "We'll turn the power off."
(2) leaving your wet towels all over the place or leaving wet laundry in the washing machine, or mowing the lawn when it hasn't been mowed in two weeks.
(3) the exact method of folding bedsheets or leaving shoes in a non-intrusive place (i.e. next to the coffee table but not at the top of the stairs.)

I've found "please" and "thank you" work wonders. If you would say these things to a relative stranger, then why not to the love of your life? Ditto -- if you wouldn't talk that way to your dog, why do men and women talk that way to their spouses?

turtlissa
This depends on what, exactly, you need your husband to do, and to what extent you are willing to assist with the project. See my paragraph above about the immediacy and importance of things.

Regnad Kcin
If she is actually doing something then she may have a point -- if her Sunday plans consisted of sitting on her rear or going shopping then she needs to help you as she is able with the gutters and her mom's crawlspace pipe.
 
2007-02-14 01:10:57 PM
IdBeCrazyIf

Actually if more people focused on the larger picture of a relationship and learned to let go the petty things like socks on a floor, dishes in the sink, etc... the world would be a much smoother place for people.

Nagging is just a symptom of the disease in a relationship.


Yeah, you gotta pick your battles. The relationship will likely fall apart if every little thing is biatched about, and one person is "walking on eggshells" around the other. Thaht's no way to have a good relationship.
 
2007-02-14 08:00:36 PM
This works with parents too. If they nag their children to clean their room, it is likely they will go read Fark instead.
 
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