Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Some Weirded out Gal)   What's the weirdest thing ever said to you on a date? LGN, VE   (google.ca ) divider line
    More: Survey  
•       •       •

17156 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jan 2007 at 12:25 AM (9 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



598 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2007-01-14 03:32:20 AM  
Oh, yeah, how could I forget this one:

(You don't have to know any part of the prior conversatoion)

Jessica: ...and that is how I kicked my cocaine habit.
 
2007-01-14 03:36:53 AM  
second date, go to her trailer,in a trailer park, she has 2 big fat lesbian moms. I am a freshman in highschool. I had flowers, her moms tell me she's out back feeding the horses, she had a small trailer on a big plot of land with every animal immaginable. I walk back, open the stable door, she's on her knees under the horse. No lie. needless to say i went back the next day and asked to join. Not, I went to school and told everyone and never spoke to her again.
 
2007-01-14 03:40:54 AM  
that horse sucker never said anything wrong with you, why you gotta give her such a hard time??

/bet she had oral skills
 
2007-01-14 03:43:44 AM  
coffeeshopgoth

Jessica: ...and that is how I kicked my cocaine habit.

Oh God, I've had that one before.

She also cracked out this little gem:
Her: You remind me of my brother who died of a heroin overdose. He dyed his hair too.

Anyway, a couple of nights later she went to a party where her ex-bf/cocaine dealer was going to be, and I never saw her again. 'twas a strange experience for naive 18 year old me.
 
2007-01-14 03:47:29 AM  
Three weird things have happened to me:

1. Girl I met at college, conversation went like this: Girl; "What's the craziest thing you have ever done?" Me; "Probably streaking down college ave. How about you?" Girl; "Probably getting a hat trick." Me; "You play hockey?" Girl; "No, I mean screwing 3 different guys in one night." Didn't have a response to that one.

2. Girl I took to a house party, before the date we stopped at my place to pick up booze. This was at the end of the night. Girl; "So I will call you, O.K.?" Me; "Sure, let me give you my phone number." Girl; "It's O.K. I stole one of your business cards from your house, I have your cell and work number."

3. Girl I met at a bar, I was drunk, so yea, I go to her place and hit it. Laying in bed she says to me... "I'm actually a little confused about this. You see, I am a lesbian." Me; "Ummm, you are not acting like a lesbian. In fact, you are not a very good lesbian at all." Girl; "You are an asshole! You need to leave right now or I am calling the cops." Me, while walking out the door; "I can't be arrested for being a guy." Girl; "You are an asshole, bye." Me; "You are a terrible lesbian, bye."
 
2007-01-14 03:47:33 AM  
yeah, seriously. just ask if she's cool with giving you a BJ, and then tell her you're hung like a horse to ease things up a bit.

and if she refuses, tell her the entire school will know about it....
 
2007-01-14 03:47:45 AM  
"'cuz, you know, I'm like, bisexual..."

Said to me almost ten years ago on a first date. Realized quickly after that she was a complete LUG and a self-absorbed twat. Would talk about herself ad nauseum. Actually told me she expected her life to be made into a movie. No shiat. (It was a completely ordinary, upper-middle class life).

Those 'weird' things can be remarkably prescient.
 
2007-01-14 03:49:35 AM  
You are under arrest for prostitution, you have the right to remain silent. anything you say may be,,,. You know the rest.

/second date, same guy.
 
2007-01-14 03:49:51 AM  
Ice cube trick?
 
2007-01-14 03:55:25 AM  
I was dating this one girl and on our first date we're hanging out at the local park (There was a concert there which was pretty horrible). Anyway, we were sittin on a bench and these two kids go walkin by, and they looked like they were about 10 or so years old. Out of nowhere she goes "Hey!" to get their attention and points at me, "He bites." Those kids got real creeped out looks on their faces and sorta sped up their pace a little.

/I thought it was friggin hilarious.
//There were a couple more dates.
 
2007-01-14 03:55:29 AM  
happened to my girlfriend before we were dating

Him: I'm up. You did it.
Her: You are?
 
2007-01-14 03:59:43 AM  
Worst date: Spent an hour drinking coffee with this gal that told the saga of every guy that ever sexually assaulted her and/or used her for sex, beginning at age 10. Then, since she insisted on driving because her car was warm (which it was, while mine was cold, because she was 15 minutes late), she had to stop by Wal*Mart and look for stuff to make a dress from (yes, make, it's her hobby I guess) for a farkING HOUR while I wonder if it would be worth it to walk six miles back to my car to escape this pain in my ass.

Then, when she gets home she IMs me and tells me that she didn't care for something I wrote on a website. I never spoke with her again. Thank God I made a joke on MySp*ce, or she might have continued to (cyber)stalk me.
 
2007-01-14 04:00:47 AM  
First date out with this girl, we went to eat and we had about 45 minutes to kill before the movie started. I said well my friend told me about this store that I should check out. She goes to trying on clothes, and I am just kinda walking around the mens dept, and walk back over she has an arm full of clothes, so I am like okay she's gonna get some clothes, no biggie, she gets through the line, total 84 bucks. She looks at me, and I am like what?!?
She said, "well are you going to pay her?"
"For what? I didnt get anything."
"For my clothes." she said, looking confused.
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Cuz I dont know you, this is our first time going out."
"So, most guys 85 bucks isnt anything."
"Yeah, well its time to call it a night."

I didnt even take her all the way home, she wanted out at the corner. Maybe if we'd been dating for say 6 months or longer, I might have bought her the clothes, but first date out, and I only knew her from her coming into my restaurant. I dont think so!!!
100% TRUE STORY!!!!
 
2007-01-14 04:01:18 AM  
I got pulled over with my date sitting shotgun. we were both drunk and underage.

the girl knew the cop and had met him at a bar and apparently farked him. While under age!!! He had lied about his profession and stuff, so she told him if we got arrested for dui and minors drinking, than he would be facing underage sex charges.

I thanked the slut, messed around with her when we got home, then never talked to her again.
 
2007-01-14 04:02:08 AM  
rockneedsasavior:

once told a girl that i loved her after a first date. it wasn't meant seriously, just kinda meant in passing, i say that to a few friends of mine in passing. yer, had a hard time talking my way out of that.

/pleaded stupidity
 
2007-01-14 04:06:38 AM  
Little late to the party, but this isn't really my story.

This is an army story, don your helmets.

New private is telling me about his weekend debauchery; went into town and met himself a local, brought her back to the barracks. He's doing her from behind, she's enjoying herself, so he gives her a solid slap across the ass and says, "Who's your daddy!"

She's up and gone before his dick starts to feel cold. Ran out of the room without her clothes. Not to paint the guy as chivalrous, but he scooped out her clothes and went out after her -- he knew not to get the MP's involved. Eventually gets her calmed down and gets her story. She had been repeatedly raped by her father when she was a child.

Bumped into the guy a few weeks ago at the mall. We both had our families in tow and his kids kept calling him by his first name but called mom mom. I started to ask, he just nodded.
 
2007-01-14 04:13:37 AM  
Saint_Quaffing Ice cube trick?

Not sure how many different kinds there are... the one I'm familiar with is when a girl with a (metal) tongue stud puts an ice cube under her tongue while she's blowing you.
Since the ice cube is underneath, her tongue stays warm while she's blowing you, yet the stud gets chilled because of the ice cube underneath.

/had it done while on lsd
//the little cold tongue stud was like a tiny, blue firefly dancing around the universe
 
2007-01-14 04:15:01 AM  
dog_ninja
once told a girl that i loved her after a first date.

Bad dog!
 
2007-01-14 04:19:07 AM  
ooh. the things that can be learned from fark. Thanks, DeltaPunch.
 
2007-01-14 04:19:18 AM  
I didn't read the 366 posts above this one. However.


SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!!!!


Best line i've never said until tonight. My wife was sleeping at home. My intention was candid.

If I was single, the worst was a cold cock to the head.

Taken? A positive reply, almost always ended with, "under the pool table, or in the porto-potty?"

I should hit both of em. Never did though. Guilt would have killed me, and if I was single...well, let's ignore it. You'd either masturbatee yourself to death or be looking for my house to fark me. I wish I cared. But I fell asleep thinking of what to write up on fark. Fark you guys.
 
2007-01-14 04:19:43 AM  
Backstory: This was one of my best friends. She was farking some other guy on a rebound after a really bad breakup, but we still hung out all the time. We were driving somewhere, when she turns to me and says "You know, I think I'm either going to marry you, or kill the woman who does." The entire rest of the trip was silence.

A couple of months later, she dumped the other guy for me and we married a year later. 2 year anniversary was last November.
 
2007-01-14 04:23:12 AM  
serutan: "I think Linux is sexy. Can I blow you?"

names, numbers, now!
 
2007-01-14 04:24:02 AM  
A friend of mine met a girl on AOL years ago just after his divorce. He was going on a first date with her and he needed me to play wing man for her best friend. No big deal.

Afternoon before the date. I'm at work and i suddenly start to wonder:

"Can A^2 + A^2 = B^2 where A and B are whole numers?"

I start to check random numbers. I then start drawing graphs and charts. I bust out a calculator.

Date time rolls around and I show up with all my notes, my calc and pencil and paper. I spend all dinner trying to prove one way or the other.

Good times.
 
2007-01-14 04:24:49 AM  
Before what would become our first date.

Her: "Who do I have to sleep with to get a job here?"
Me: "That'd be me."
Her: "Okay."

/she didn't get a job
//after that, we both agreed it'd be too weird to work together
///second best girlfriend ever
 
2007-01-14 04:32:23 AM  
fizzygillespie: "I don't have a spleen."

What do you say to that?


What do I say?
"I'd love to see your blood then"

/Medical Lab Technologist
//Splenectomy patients have cool blood slides
///Yes, I realize how creepy that sounds
 
2007-01-14 04:34:17 AM  
"So I got kicked out of Liberty University for having my first lesbian affair with one of my teachers, and here I am with you, trying to figure out which side of the fence I should be on."
 
2007-01-14 04:34:52 AM  
This girl and I just met and we were hanging out with some other friends, eventually we crashed at my place. The girl was sleeping in my bed while the rest of the folks were watching Mulholland Drive. She was asleep but all of the sudden she woke up and said out loud;
*"My uncle died while farking a prostitute"
 
2007-01-14 04:38:26 AM  
DeltaPunch

This thread needs more lesbian posts!

Ok, so the only weird thing came out of my mouth on my first date with this girl, we're making out topless and I'm trying to figure out what to do with her breasts, so I blurt out "I can't figure out what to do besides squeeze them, boobs are so squishy!"

Needless to say, I learned from this that I'm not actually bi.

Alleyoop

//yep, she was a blonde
///my theory: boob size and I.Q. are inversely proportional


hey! blonde with 36Ds and 130 IQ here, don't stereotype, k thx bye.
 
2007-01-14 04:39:10 AM  
DeltaPunch Not sure how many different kinds there are... the one I'm familiar with is when a girl with a (metal) tongue stud puts an ice cube under her tongue while she's blowing you.
Since the ice cube is underneath, her tongue stays warm while she's blowing you, yet the stud gets chilled because of the ice cube underneath.


That sounds difficult. Any woman that can pull that off successfully deserves some sort of medal.
 
2007-01-14 04:45:15 AM  
"I have menstrual issues".
 
2007-01-14 04:46:35 AM  
DeltaPunch

No way! Tell me she was wearing a beer holster for you, and you were playing video games while farking her from behind...

WAIT! Are you telling me it's NOT perfectly normal to get farked from behind while playing multiplayer Dynasty Warriors?!

Onto weird things I've been told! 2 were good (at least to me), but out of context or to a normal person, would have freaked them out. The other was just gross.

One girl decided to tell me that, "I like zombie movies. Can we turn BioZombie on?" I think I fell in love right there, but I also think most people would have been weirded out by that. Yes, we farked watching a Japanese horror movie... Occasionally stopping to berate the characters.

One boy looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "You're bi, right?" "Yes...?" "Can you fark my girlfriend?" He proceeds to pull out a wallet-sized pic of the ugliest girl I've ever seen. I politely declined, on the grounds that attached men should be upfront about it when dating.

My fiancee gave me a kiss on the nose this evening, sighed, and said, "I knew you worshipped Cthulu." Now, taken out of context, that's even weirder... but we were playing a Cthulu-based game of Werewolf, so that's OK. It gets back to the weird when you learn we were at a LARP award dinner.

Werewolf rules, for the curious:
http://www.eblong.com/zarf/werewolf.html

/no HTML skills
//Best dating life ever! I'm so spoiled.
 
2007-01-14 04:46:43 AM  
Any sort of conspiracy theory wackiness. I've heard all sorts of stuff, but personally if you're gunna bring up some really obscure weird-ass conspiracy theory stuff on a first date, I'm gunna be running for the hills.
 
2007-01-14 04:48:22 AM  
maybe that's why i dont have second dates..
 
2007-01-14 04:50:19 AM  
So, I had been seeing this girl for a week and we were having our first "proper" date. We went back to my place and we were getting ready to go to bed and she told me she didn't like to hear other people brushing their teeth. No real reason why, she just didn't like the sound.

/cheerleader from my college
//brushed my teeth extra quiet that night
///turned out she was kinda crazy so it didn't last much longer
 
2007-01-14 04:59:25 AM  
"That was the first time I tried to kill myself"
 
2007-01-14 05:06:00 AM  
"When you cum, please don't make a face like you're in pain."

Verbatim.
 
2007-01-14 05:16:44 AM  
For those just joining, allow me to summarize this wonderful thread. (i.e. time for me to hit the sack, then go to bed)

This thread is dedicated to us romantic men. Old-fashioned types, we look forward to the prospect of a wonderful night with a wonderful girl. We yearn for that warm, fuzzy glow that is felt after a perfect evening, and the restless anticipation of going on another date. There is nothing like realizing that the girl you are dating is perfect, and the potential for this alone is what makes that first date especially exciting.

And yet, after ordering a bottle of wine at the finest restaurant that we can afford, time and time again we find our romantic aspirations shattered by the following gems:
"Just so you know, I'm allergic to latex."
"What's Calcutta?"
"I'm a vampire."
"My ex looked like Carrot Top. I miss him."
"Is it true what they say about guys with big feet?"
"I'm preparing myself to be overwhelmed by your masculine energy."
"Do you mind us going to a gay bar?"
"Don't freak out or anything... but I'm married."
"I don't do anal."
"You are the first man ever to see me eat... other than my father."
"Ok, so my dad is a lesbian."
"Oh, I don't have sex. I'm waiting til I'm married."
"I'm a lesbain, but you'ld like my brother."
"I'm thinking of majoring in architecture so I can design our house."
"I don't drink, I'm two months pregnant."
"You should marry me before I get fat."
"Your beard reminds me of my step brothers."
"We can't see that movie. My boyfriend already took me to see it."
"My ex has genital warts and even though I don't think I have them I think we should be safe."
"Please, don't have any expectations."
"I been raped before."
"I expect to be married and pregnant a year from this date. if you can't handle this, then it's over."
"You're so cute! I could almost stop being a lesbian for you!"
"I gave a State Senator a handjob at work. I mean it was an accident and all."
"You can cum in me if you want, I had my tubes tied after my last abortion."
"You can't stick anything in me tonight, I dont have my surgery for another two weeks."
"Have you ever gotten a girl pregnant?"
"I wouldn't do it on a first date, but I'd be kind of easy."
"I don't like elevators because in a past life I died in one."
"I think it might be a good time to let you know, in case this ends up going where I hope it will, that I have a history of VD."
"I don't have a spleen."
"Does this look infected?"
"I have menstrual issues."

And with that, here's kudos to those men that rolled with punches that night, took the girl home, and shagged the strangest shag of their lives.
And here's double kudos to the men that left enough money on the table to cover both meals (and that bottle of wine), and got the hell out of there while they could!
 
2007-01-14 05:18:40 AM  
I don't know about the wierdest, but I definitely remember the worst. I dated this girl a few years ago, we broke up for a few a months and during that time she had a little fling with a mutual friend, let's call him "Sandy". They broke up and we decided to give it another shot. Forgive and forget and put the past behind us.

During the date she lights up a smoke, tells me she is trying to quit and is down to only four smokes a day. I said "good for you, I quit two years ago, so you can too." She says "yeah, plus it is so easier to quit now that Sandy and I broke up..." I should have stopped her there. "he smoked like a chimney!" (Keep in mind I was driving, so maybe my focused was a bit divided, but I really dug this girl) "I mean he smoked after meals, he smoked during commercials, he smoked in between sex..."

It was all downhill from there....
/some enchanted evening. Enjoyed the veal, grudge sex later, three times mind you just for spite,then hit the road
 
2007-01-14 05:22:13 AM  
I was in Vegas this week and my friend and I met this crazy and hot chick at a roulette table (she's drunk and high). She had been out of jail for two hours, she tells us. And since she's fresh out of jail, she really horny and wants to fark me. I want NOTHING to do with her (I like my girls out of jail for at least 10 hours). After I turn her down she says "How about a threesome with you and your friend?" I explain that I'd much rather go through my life without seeing him naked. THEN she says "OK, how about your friend farks me while you watch?" Still no go.

She loses a bunch of money and gets up to get a cab to the airport. I offer her 20 bucks for the cab and she says "No, I don't need money. You don't even know me! I'm going to be the next Oprah!!"
 
2007-01-14 05:31:14 AM  
At that end of a long date, in the uncomfortable neither-person-has-much-to-say-because-you-don't-have-anything-in common silence, she suddenly blurts out, "Did you know you can get a free AIDS test at Planned Parenthood?"
 
2007-01-14 05:41:04 AM  
"Do your labias hang low? do they wobble to and fro? can you tie them in a knot? can you tie them in a bow?"

/never happened
//just thought of it
///dude
 
2007-01-14 05:41:36 AM  
"Stephen Hawking was way more limber."

Actually, the weirdest has to go to

"I really don't care what your name was."

Not because she really didn't but because my name hasn't changed.
 
2007-01-14 05:50:40 AM  
Girl says she'll come over and cook me dinner. She's a university (college) student, and I have a job so the deal is I'll buy the food and she'll cook it. While we're shopping, she says: Shall we get some coissonts (sp?) for breakfast? Nice...

And on another first date, "My mother has an AVO out on me". AVO = Apprehended Violence Order. Legal thingy that means you can't go within a certain distance of someone. She was crazy, should have run then, but she had the best legs...
 
2007-01-14 05:51:55 AM  
nytyper

Cocaine is a hell of a drug
 
2007-01-14 06:01:05 AM  
2007-01-14 05:50:40 AM Surf

Maybe I am a bit slow, but what's the problem with the croissants? Were you upset that she assumed she could stay over? It seemed as though you were going to get laid, which I assume is where you were hoping things would lead. Or is it too soon for her to assume that you will be interested in having sex.
/just wondering...
 
2007-01-14 06:01:59 AM  
Oh, have I absolutely laughed at all the comments. Here are my additions, from a young 30 year old dating in the mid-90's. As I have said on many occasions, had I walked into a bedroom where a woman was wearing a saddle, playing a banjo and handcuffed to a camel, I wouldn't have batted and eyelash:

1. Coming home from a nice first date with a recent divocee:
Me: (2 dogs at front door) Oh, what nice German Shephard's. The are so well friendly and nice.
Her: Yes, they are very friendly. Play your cards right and you can see just how...
(Me running quickly home)

2. Going to her apartment after the second date and just entering door.
Kid: Mom, glad your home. Tommy has been calling for you.
Her: (Demurely) Just a moment, I have to take this. Grab a drink, k?
Her: (On phone) Oh, Tommy, I have waited for your call all day. Have you been a BAAaaadd boy?
(Ten minutes more of phone sex while on living room couch in plain view of kid)
Her: Sorry about that. I have a second job.
(Me excusing myself)

3. Another second date. On the front walk path.
Her: Can you do me a favor? Just check the bushes on the sides of the door?
Me: (Confused) Okay, but why?
Her: My ex has been stalking me again and he likes to hide their. Don't worry, you're much bigger than him.
(Me go home).

4. Last of the dating stories.
Me: (Playing shuffleboard on date) You're good. Beat me again and I'll let you drive my car home.
Her: Beat me and I'll let you drive me home.
(She beat me, nearly wrecked the car twice. Been married 8 years. Still better at shuffleboard than I).
 
2007-01-14 06:06:43 AM  
FlippityFlap, I was happily surprised she was inviting herself to breakfast this early in proceedings. So maybe it's "most surprising" not weirdest. In retrospect, this was before I understand that if a girl cooks dinner for you, you're more than a chance. Only girl I ever kissed with a tongue-stud.
 
2007-01-14 06:14:17 AM  
WombatControl: But if the tab for your first date comes out to $6.66 THAT IS A SIGN that you should stop taking your dates to McDonald's.

/Fixed it.
 
2007-01-14 06:28:33 AM  
My gf told me i was sexy as a wolf while playing zelda wtf
 
2007-01-14 06:28:47 AM  
This is a story about something I said, but as long as the rules have broken down a little...

Just out of high school in the '80s and I'm on a first date with this pretty little 17-year-old who likes me because I have Duran hair (like I said, it was the '80s). I take her to this makeout point overlook place, and things are getting very hot and heavy when this bright light shines through my back window - a COP.

He shines the light for about 30 seconds, then turns it off an waits about 90 more seconds (very cool guy to give us time to get decent). Walks up to the car...

COP: "What are you kids doing up here?"
ME (realizing the cop is cool and wouldn't mind a little smartass joking): "Just enjoying the view, officer."

COP: "Not much of a view tonight, don't you think?" (It was snowing.)
ME: "You're not sitting where I'm sitting."

GIRL: reaches across the car and SMACKS me in across the face

COP: Barely stifles a laugh, starts turning red

COP (after regaining his composure): Can I see your IDs please?"
GIRL: "You're not gonna call our parents, are you?"
COP: "No, we just keep a list of the people we contact up here."

ME (knowing the girl is 6 kinds of pissed and now just trying to crack up the cop): "This isn't contact. Five minutes ago was contact!"

GIRL: SMACK!

The cop is now holding on to the window of my car, completely doubled over in laughter.

After getting it together, he tells us we need to go home. She doesn't speak to me the rest of the night - not even when we get to her apartment building and the stairs are covered in snow, and she's in these strappy little pumps and 1) doesn't want to try to climb them, and 2) wants to punish me a little. She just GLARES at me until I pick her up and carry her up the stairs.

She slams the door in my face and doesn't speak to me for two weeks.

/great stories gang
/just wish I didn't have insomnia
 
Displayed 50 of 598 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | » | Newest | Show all


View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report