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(Literary Review)   "If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers" It must be time for the annual Bad Sex In Fiction awards   ( divider line
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16626 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Dec 2006 at 1:24 PM (10 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2006-12-30 11:45:08 AM  
Why do Farkers not win this judging by ANON-DIT's alone?
2006-12-30 11:50:55 AM  
Is the award shaped like Larry Nivens head? Just tell me it is..
2006-12-30 11:54:27 AM  
Shadow Blasko: Is the award shaped like Larry Nivens head?

I got tired of his prose before any of his characters had sex, I think. Maybe I'm grateful for that.
2006-12-30 12:07:39 PM  
Still my favorite is from last year:

A flock of crows, six or eight, raucously rasping at one another, thrashed into the top of an oak on the edge of the square of sky. The heavenly invasion made his heart race; he looked down at his pr*ck, silently begging it not to be distracted; his mind fought skidding into crows and woods, babies and Phyllis, and his pr*ck stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a single drop of pure seminal yearning. He felt suspended at the top of an arc. Faye leaned back on the blanket, arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows.
2006-12-30 12:16:04 PM  
FarkmeBlind: I got tired of his prose before any of his characters had sex, I think. Maybe I'm grateful for that.

Ringworld Throne was nothing less than a collection of the worst space sex you can not imagine a human writing.

/And I loved Ringworld, And the Ringworld Engineers, but it went downhill FAST.
2006-12-30 01:29:39 PM  
If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers. Each armed with a gribbly nipple. Tom Yew kissed them in turn and his saliva glistened in the April sun. I know watching was wrong but I couldn't not. Tom Yew slipped off her red panties and stroked the cressy hair there.
'If you want me to stop, Madam Crombie, you have to say now.'
'Oooh, Master Yew,' she croodled, 'don't you dare.'
Tom Yew got on her and sort of jiggled there and she gasped like he was giving her a Chinese burn and wrapped her legs round him, froggily. Now he moved up and down, Man-from-Atlantisly. His silver chain jiggled on his neck.
Now her grubby soles met like they were praying.
Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat.
Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.
Now Tom Yew's body jerkjerked judderily jackknifed and a noise like a ripping cable tore out of him. Once more, like he'd been booted in the balls.
Her fingernails'd sunk salmony welts into his arse.
Debby Crombie's mouth made a perfect O.

What on earth?!?

what the hell does "man-from-atlantisly" even mean?
2006-12-30 01:34:04 PM  
Ich been Danish!!!!

Knep mig for helvede!
2006-12-30 01:35:21 PM  
Wow, just wow
2006-12-30 01:35:52 PM  
Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat.

2006-12-30 01:36:34 PM  
Niven and the Ringworld series...

Them were good times during my formative years... I do remember Throne as a racy piece.

/8-10 years old
//SF was cool then...
///wasn't it?
2006-12-30 01:37:30 PM  
he said pork.
2006-12-30 01:39:11 PM  
What kind of sound does a 'Moomintroll' make?

Or even a tortured one?
2006-12-30 01:40:12 PM  
Courtney Love is handing out awards for (poor) literature achievements?
I am not sure how to handle this info.
2006-12-30 01:40:20 PM  
skelter: what the hell does "man-from-atlantisly" even mean?

It's similar to being Patrick Duffish.
2006-12-30 01:40:42 PM  
This thread is useless without your favorite online mature fanfiction site?
2006-12-30 01:41:31 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2006-12-30 01:41:59 PM  
I like this one from last year:

In a moment Annie was on his side, Madame Lai was like a plant growing over him, and her little fist (holding the biggest black pearl) was up his asshole planting the pearl in the most appreciated place.

"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"

She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike.
2006-12-30 01:45:20 PM  
Oh no you di'n't!!

[image from too old to be available]

2006-12-30 01:46:44 PM  
Wow, the Irvine Welsh one is probably the grossest thing I've ever read...

2006-12-30 01:52:00 PM  
I like how the chick in the first passage wrapped her legs around the dude "froggily." Made my day little brighter.
2006-12-30 01:52:55 PM  
"Gribbly nipple"?

That would be a great name for a rock band.
2006-12-30 01:54:13 PM  
Why, oh why can't folks do a better job. Hell, just allude to it. The old Star Trek (and the lights dimmed) would work.

Please, for the love of the Goddess, STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!
2006-12-30 01:54:58 PM  
man-from-atlantisly = Hands to your side as you "swim" by bending your body back and forth...what a Farkin' NERD to think that would make for good sex!
2006-12-30 01:55:17 PM  
This oughtta teach me to practice more thorough headline-reading: I skimmed, saw the words 'Madden's breasts,' naturally assumed 'John Madden,' and then threw up a little bit in my mouth.

I can STILL taste it...oh, WHY??
2006-12-30 01:58:43 PM  
"Love me or kill me Graham".
2006-12-30 01:59:55 PM  
These are just...uh...wonderful?

She felt Stan's pubic hair, like a prickly sea creature

Ahhh, yes. The curly urchin, I believe it's called.

I totally agree with Necrosis. Remind me never to sit on any of Irvine Welsh's furniture! spunk shoots all over the couch and some on to her thigh, which she brushes off with scorn, rubbing it on to the cushion.

That's enough of that for one day...

2006-12-30 02:01:07 PM  
Hell, just allude to it. The old Star Trek (and the lights dimmed) would work.

Ah yes. Captain Kirk sitting on the side of the bed, putting his boot back on. That says it all, doesn't it?
2006-12-30 02:01:29 PM  
These are so silly, it almost seems like they were trying to get an award for how silly they were written.

And I wish Irvine Welsh would just stop writing about sex entirely and stick to drugs and violence.
2006-12-30 02:09:41 PM  
Laurell K Hamilton should have won the award...
Bad, furry sex. Bad, bad, bad...
2006-12-30 02:12:01 PM  
silverone75: Oh dear god.
2006-12-30 02:12:19 PM  
WTF are "Space Hoppers"? or a "Moomintroll"? And wouldn't capitalizing "danish" make her breasts, um, people rather than pastries?

And what's with the made-up words? "Gribbly"? "Cressy"?
2006-12-30 02:23:05 PM  
"He put on his robe and wizard hat..."
2006-12-30 02:31:35 PM  

WTF are "Space Hoppers"? or a "Moomintroll"?

Space Hoppers


Both links pop.

Both UK 80's legends.
2006-12-30 02:31:39 PM  
Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure didn't make the cut? How could you go wrong with this passage:

"What took you so long?" cooed Abraxxia, her words subtly quavering with the universal inflections of desire. Ignoring my own fierce need, I furiously scanned my surroundings for danger -- she was crafty, and I knew that the slightest mistake would prove fatal. Not just for myself, but for the entire United Alliance. Inevitably, my gaze settled back upon the smooth curves of skin that peeked out from under her transparent holodress. How many rounds of Uranian Megasex would it take before she surrendered the alloy?
2006-12-30 02:32:03 PM  
So, Danish sex is better than danish sex?

I'm Danish, if anybody wanna find out?

/had to try, you know...
2006-12-30 02:33:07 PM  
When I write erotica, as I am occasionally wont to do,a little pixie on my shoulder warns, "Try not to do anything to win the Bad Sex in Fiction award."

/ Remember that passage in Tom Wolfe's "I Am Charlotte Simmons" that won a while back?
// Would have knocked some of the thrill out of my storied career, were I Wolfe.
2006-12-30 02:35:08 PM  
AmateursGuide: When I write erotica, as I am occasionally wont to do,a little pixie on my shoulder warns, "Try not to do anything to win the Bad Sex in Fiction award."

I always try to think... Hmm, is my target demographic a bookshelf, or the "Sci-Fi" section over at literotica, and adjust accordingly.

/Usually its the 2nd
2006-12-30 02:39:28 PM  
"Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded."

[image from too old to be available]

Not Worth It.
2006-12-30 02:40:25 PM  

They have a link to Tom Wolfe's winning entry, but leave out the zinger on page 478 (of the hardcover edition of I Am Charlotte Simmons) --

Obviously his mind was not on what she was saying, because he was looking down and stepping out of one leg of the shorts, and then the other, and -- ohmygod! In her whole life she had never actually seen such a thing in such a state -- although she could tell -- dear Brian! -- she had only seen her little brothers' when they were smaller and her father's once when he stepped about a foot out of the outdoor shower looking for a towel -- but ... that ... ball-peen hammer ... it looked like a heavy ball-peen hammer! ... a ball-peen hammer with a translucent sheeth over it, and now his knees were on the bed and he was crawling toward her on all fours --
2006-12-30 02:40:38 PM  
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
2006-12-30 02:42:30 PM  
2000 Kissing England by Sean Thomas (Flamingo)

It is time, time to fark her. Now. Yes. Brupt, he rises, turns her over, flips her white body. Her smallwhite tidy body. She is so small and so compact, and yet she has all the necessary features... Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman, thou are more compact and more
She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa.
Aiwa - She says, as he enters her slimy red-peppers-in-olive-oil coont - Aiwa, aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Ewwwww. That's some truly repulsive imagery there at the end.
2006-12-30 02:43:42 PM  
Shadow Blasko Yeah the "Sci-Fi" section over at literotica sounds more commercially viable.
2006-12-30 02:48:38 PM  
What Semidtachd thought off when opening the thread:

[image from too old to be available]

What I thought of (from Tom Wolfe's fiction):

[image from too old to be available]

/ hurls
2006-12-30 03:01:21 PM  
I seem to remember that Michael Chabon's "Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" contained several awkward sex moments.
2006-12-30 03:07:17 PM  
Tom Wolfe can't get slammed enough for me for that last piece of schiat he wrote because he always makes such a big deal about the "research" he does with his work, brags about how important and age-defining his work is, and slams other writers for not putting in the work he does. Then he writes this book full of college students who are nothing like any college student you'll find anywhere. What a putz.
2006-12-30 03:18:15 PM  
'And now,' he said, 'I think it's my turn.'

2006-12-30 03:20:57 PM  
I'm reading Pynchon's Against the Day right now... just got it before Christmas. Haven't gotten to either of those passages yet. Weird sex is just par for the course in a Pynchon novel, though: it's Pynchon knows how deeply he's mindfarking the reader and wants to share his orgasm with the characters.
2006-12-30 03:21:39 PM  
When I first read "Ringworld" in this thread, I read it as "Ringwold" ....

[image from too old to be available]
2006-12-30 03:23:07 PM  
"Hi, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy."
2006-12-30 03:44:11 PM  
FTFA: Actress, rock star and author Courtney Love stylishly presented the award.

Is that some kind of joke?
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