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(The Phat Phree)   An open letter from the worst rated player in Madden 2007 to John Madden - possibly the funniest thing you will read all week   (thephatphree.com ) divider line
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75814 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Oct 2006 at 5:36 PM (9 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2006-10-19 07:13:20 PM  
Just in case its Farked...


To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:13:54 PM  
Wait a minute long snapping is a pretty important skill ... I mean a bad long snap can fark your team on punts and field goals. Anyone remember that guy who messed up two straight FG snaps in a playoff game??
 
2006-10-19 07:14:56 PM  
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:17:13 PM  
this thread makes me so happy :)
 
2006-10-19 07:18:36 PM  
Twitch OSX, THANK YOU!!
 
2006-10-19 07:19:27 PM  
Oh, this can only get better...
 
2006-10-19 07:19:41 PM  
Twitch

That's puke-green, he'd asked for it in blood red. Any chance you'd have a copy of it in blood-red for us all?
 
2006-10-19 07:21:23 PM  
Sorry.. didnt know which way his monitor was leaning.. Hope this is a little more readable.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:22:38 PM  
My eyes have been SOILED!
 
2006-10-19 07:22:43 PM  
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:24:06 PM  
This thread is so much funnier than the article, which was funny in it's own right!

/could somebody post the letter in the thread? site is farked!
 
2006-10-19 07:24:58 PM  
Damn, my screen does not show Green very well. Can we post again, bigger font (for the older farkers) and maybe in purple this time, or a nice teal?
 
2006-10-19 07:25:01 PM  
The intelligence rating of several of the people on this thread is decresing at a substantial rate.

As far as the stupid ratings and no real improvement on gameplay go, that's what the NFL gets for giving EA Sports exclusive rights for NFL licensed games. Anyone who had a Dreamcast knows all the good ideas that EA has had since 1999 came from the Sega 2K series.

The letter itself: Funny at certain points, but could have been better.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if someone posts it one more time I'll change my mind.
 
2006-10-19 07:27:02 PM  
 
2006-10-19 07:27:05 PM  
Just as a note, in case no one noticed, it's not actually written by the guy. Here, I'll repost the article with highlight where it says Albright did not write it.

Posted: 10/11/2006 by: Juan Turlington
An image of excellence.
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
Fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:27:45 PM  
swahnhennessy FTW!

/Got me laughing
 
2006-10-19 07:27:46 PM  
I can't see so good, can someone repost the article in Braile or flashing red jumbo sized text on a electric green background?
 
2006-10-19 07:27:48 PM  
You know, i work for Ethan Albright and i'm getting a real kick out of these postings...
 
2006-10-19 07:28:25 PM  
"Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen."

Gold, gold, gold!!!
 
2006-10-19 07:31:33 PM  
Bekanntgegeben: 10/11/2006 vorbei: Juan Turlington Ein Bild der hervorragender Leistung. : John machen verrückt Cm: Elektronischer kunst-Sport Von: Ethan Albright Betr.: Seiend der schlechteste steuerpflichtige Spieler `07 an verrückt machen Hallo, ist John, mein Name Ethan Albright. Ich spiele Linie für die Washington Redskins. Du wußtest vermutlich bereits den, also fahre ich fort. Ich schreibe in Respekt zur gesamten Spielerbewertung von 53, die ich innen verrückt mache NFL Fußball 2007 empfangen habe. Ich glaube, daß dieses bullshiat farking und du meine Mutter-farking Ass. Ahmed küssen solltest, den Carroll 78 veranschlagen wurde und die Verpacker gerade seinen Esel auf einem Dienstag Morgen nach seiner Leistung in einem Montag Nachtspiel schnitten. Das ist recht schrecklich. Das schlechteste Teil ist, daß seine gesamte Bewertung 80 schnüffelte. Du weißt, was, John? Zwei können dieses Spiel spielen. Ich veranschlage dich farking 12. Ich veranschlage dich farking 12 in Ethan Albright Fußball 2000 überhaupt… außer in der Kategorie des Kugel-Leckens. Das ist, wo ich dich 98 veranschlagend beschmutze. Du empfängst diese Kerbe, weil ich deinem blubbery Esel 99 in irgendeiner Kategorie nie gebe. Das, Bleistiftdick nehmen. Gehen tun Al Micheals oder etwas. Hochkonjunktur. Kerbe eine für roten Bart. Es ist auch hübsches wundervolles, daß meine Bewußtsein Bewertung 59 war. Du bildest es Ton, wie ich morgens aufwache, hilflos shiat und piss selbst, dann verlierst drei meiner Zähne, bevor ich entdecke, daß ich versuche, einen Felsen zum Frühstück zu essen. fark, John, verstehe ich dich sagend, daß ich langsam ermangelnd bin und Athletentum, aber eine Bewertung wie dieses hübsche viel beschriftet mich, wie verzögert. Rod „, das er mich“ intelligent haßt, hat 52 in dieser Kategorie. Elektronische künste sagt, daß sieben veranschlagende Punkte mich und die atmenverkörperung des vollkommenen Oxymoron trennen. Rod intelligente gekämpft zu ordnen Wörter in der Satzform. Männer aushöhlen hatte besseren Einfluß der englischen Sprache. Die einzigen Tätigkeiten, die Punktwerte der Unwissenheit auf diesem peinlichen Niveau trennen, sind Sachen wie das Verwenden deiner eigenen Zahnbürste, um deine Ass. abzuwischen. Ich umrandete im Allgemeinen heraus Rod durch meinen Mangel an shiat Zähnen. Wenn ich eine Abendschulekategorie nehme, könntest du mich bis zu 60 stoßen? Ich schätze, daß ich gerade nicht fathom die Tatsache kann, daß ich der absolute schlechteste Spieler bin, der aus dem gesamten NFL heraus veranschlagen wird. fark, Mann, dort sind einige shiatty Kerle heraus dort. Unter jeder wurde mir das schlechteste Absolute veranschlagen. Ich habe den Eindruck empfangen, den du glaubst, daß ich in der Beweglichkeit Kategorie ermangele. Ich sollte einen Weg durch mein Wohnzimmer betrachten, in dem ich nicht durch eine Wand zusammenstoße oder übermöbel ein resounding Erfolg trete. Meine Beweglichkeit Bewertung auf deinem Spiel ist 33. Sie bildet es Ton, wie ich gerade überstürze, wenn ich anfange zu gehen zu schnelles. Ted Washington wird 40 in der Beweglichkeit veranschlagen. Er wird bei 365 zerstößt verzeichnet. Wenn Ted Washington eine weiße Dame oben und ihre Abnutzung einen Metallbikini gebildet band, würde er gerecht wie Jabba die Hütte schauen. Roter Alarm! John, bist du solch ein farking Dick. Ich beachtete auch, daß mein Stoßrückkehrveranschlagen 0 war. Ich wurde farking null veranschlagen? So fühlst du, daß ich nicht 10 sogar empfangen sollte, oder sogar 5? Du bist viel Saying hübsch, daß ich nicht vorwärts auf eine Kugel sogar fallen könnte, die in meine Richtung getreten wurde. Ich würde gerade dort stehen und die Kugel von meinem farking Gesicht weg aufprallen ließ. fark, dem, John, ich einen onside Stoß 6 Yards 2002 zurückbrachte. Du solltest a gerade geschlagen haben - 4 auf mir und hattest den EA Personalhinterhalt ich mit paintball Gewehren. Schließlich möchte ich ein unwahrscheinliches Thema, meine Durchlaufdeckungbewertungen kommentieren. Ich sehe, daß ich an der Mann-zumann Deckung (31) als Zone (21) ein besseres bin. fark ich seitlich mit einem lunchbox. Woher kamen diese Kerben sogar? Wieviel Zeit ist aufgewendetes mit den vergehendeckungbewertungen des beleidigenden Störungssuchers oben kommen? Kann ich diesen Job haben? Hier sehen, lassen Sie uns ich denke, daß Orlando Schritt am Springen der Zwischenwege als Larry Allen etwas besser sein würde. Während ich an ihm bin, kann ich die überschreitenen Bewertungen für beleidigenden Störungssucher außerdem zuweisen. Ich kann meine als Führer verwenden. Ich wurde mit einer werfenden Energie von 17 und Genauigkeit von 16 veranschlagen. Orlando Schritt hat eine Energie 22 und 17 Genauigkeitsfestlegung. Setzte jemand an EA wirklich Zeit in heraus darstellen, daß Orlando Schritt heraus Ethan Albright in werfender Energie und in der Genauigkeit umrandet? Ich fordere ihn jeder möglicher Tag heraus. Meine schrecklichen Passantbewertungen sind vom größten Unglück zu meinem Sohn, rotes Bart-jr. Der arme Junge ist nicht nur schrecklich häßlich und durch freakishly große Freckles bedeckt. Er muß durch das Spielen der Verriegelung mit mir und meiner Senile-älter-Frauart Passantbewertungen auch leiden. Ein Lernabschnitt des Werfens der Schweinehaut besteht aus mir normalerweise meinen Sohn durch dreißig Yards in den sporadischen Richtungen vermissend. Ich führte ihn vor einem Feuer-LKW einmal und meine Frau trat meine Ass. Dieses ist wegen meiner Bewertung der Härte 76. Ja ist 76 weit besser als die anderen Bewertungen, aber ich bin ein farking Störungssucher, Fluch es. NFL Störungssucher werden betrachtet, mit Härte synonym zu sein. Entsprechend deinem Spiel bin ich verzögert, unkoordiniert, Pussyesel farkwad, das nicht auf einen Start fallen, werfen oder buchstabieren kann. Ich bin jedoch etwas besser am Bemannen oben auf einem Empfänger als, fallend in Zone Deckung. Du verlierst deinen Verstand immer mehr jedes Jahr, alter Mann. Wenn ich nicht Kugeln reiße, reiße ich Ansätze. Fark du, John. Bitte erwarten, rote pubes in den verschiedenen Mahlzeiten zu finden, die du für den Rest deines Lebens verbrauchst. Wenn du fark mit Ethan Albright, du hinunter den Donner benennst. Fäule in der Hölle, Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:31:38 PM  

img182.imageshack.us

 
2006-10-19 07:32:37 PM  
I've read the puke-green and red versions of the article now, but I don't see any reference in the article to "red pubes." Did I miss something? Could someone point out the location of this apparently humorous reference? Also, where in the article does it say this is satire? Maybe some farkers are paranoid...
 
2006-10-19 07:33:42 PM  
Is there a problem?

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:34:25 PM  
Dude.. right at the end

"fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you...."
 
2006-10-19 07:37:26 PM  
i32.photobucket.com
 
2006-10-19 07:37:50 PM  
LMFAO


This time in l337

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2006-10-19 07:39:39 PM  
For the redneck farkers:

To: John-Boy Madden CC: Eleckronic Arts Spo'ts Fum: Ole Man Tate Albright Re: Bein' th' wo'st rated player on Madden '07

Howdy-doo, John-Boy, mah name is Ole Man Tate Albright. ah play line fo' th' Warshin'ton Redhides. Yo' probably already knowed thet, so I'll corntinue. ah's writin' in regards t'th' ovahall player ratin' of 53 thet ah have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. ah feel thet this hyar is farkin' bullshiat an' yo' sh'd kiss mah Mammy-farkin' ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 an' th' Packers jest lop his ass on a Tuesday mo'nin' af'er his perfo'mance in a Monday night game. Thet is purdy terrible. Th' wo'st part is thet his on overall ratin' was sniffin' 80. Yo' knows whut, John-Boy? Two kin play this hyar game. ah rate yo' a farkin' 12. ah rate yo' a farkin' 12 in Ole Man Tate Albright Football 2000-evah... 'cept fo' in th' catego'y of ball-lickin'. Thet is whar ah will spotcha a 98 ratin'. Yo' will receive this hyar sco'e on account o' ah will nevah give yer blubbery ass a 99 in enny catego'y. Take thet, pencil-dick. Shet mah mouth! Git do Al Micheals o' sumpin. Boom, dawgone it. Sco'e one fo' Red Beard, cuss it all t' tarnation. It's also purdy wonnerful thet mah awareness ratin' was 59. Yo' make it soun' like ah wake up in th' mo'nin', he'plessly shiat an' piss mahse'f, then lose three of mah teeth befo'e ah discovah thet ah's tryin' t'eat a rock fo' bustfast. fark, John-Boy, ah unnerstan' yo' sayin' thet ah's slow an' lackin' athleticism, but a ratin' like this hyar purdy much labels me as retarded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this hyar catego'y. Eleckronic Arts is sayin' thet seven ratin' points separeete me an' th' breathin' embodiment of th' puffick oxymo'on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Rod Smart struggled t'arrange wo'ds in sentence fo'm, dawgone it. Cave min had better hold of th' English language. Th' only ackshuns thet separeete point values of igno'ance at this hyar embarrassin' level is thin's like usin' yer own toothbrush t'wipe yer ass. ah basically edged out Rod by mah lack of shiat teeth. Eff'n ah take a night skoo class, c'd yo' bump me up t'a 60? ah guess ah jest kin't fathom th' fack thet ah's th' absolute wo'st player rated outta th' entire NFL. fark, man, thar is some shiatty guys out thar. Amongst ev'ryone, ah was rated th' absolute wo'st. ah have received th' impresshun thet yo' feel thet ah's lackin' in th' agility catego'y. ah sh'd cornsider a walk through mah livin' room whar ah don't crash trough a wall o' kick on over furniture a resoun'in' success. Mah agility ratin' on yer game is 33. It makes it soun' like ah jest topple on over eff'n ah start walkin' too fast. Ted Warshin'ton is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. Eff'n Ted Warshin'ton tied a white lady up an' made her wears a metal bikini, he'd look jest like Jabba th' Hut. Red Alert! Fry mah hide! John-Boy, yer sech a farkin' dick. Shet mah mouth! ah also noticed thet mah kick return ratin' was a 0. ah was rated a farkin' zero? So yo' feel thet ah sh'dn't even receive a 10, o' even a 5? Yer purdy much sayin' thet ah c'dn't even fall fo'ward on a ball kicked in mah direckshun. ah w'd jest stan' thar an' let th' ball bounce off of mah farkin' face. fark thet, John-Boy, ah returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. Yo' sh'd haf jest slapped a - 4 on me an' had th' EA staff ambush me wif paintball guns. Finally, ah w'd like t'comment on an unlikely topic, mah pass covahage ratin's. ah see thet ah's a better at man-to-man covahage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways wif a lunchbox. Whar did these sco'es even come fum? How much time is spent a-comin' up wif th' pass covahage ratin's of offensive lineman? Kin ah have thet job? Let's see hyar, ah reckon thet Orlan'o Pace'd be slightly better at jumpin' intermediate routes than Ezekiel Allen, as enny fool kin plainly see. While I'm at it, ah can assign th' passin' ratin's fo' offensive lineman as fine. ah can use mine as a guide. ah was rated wif a throwin' power of 17 an' accuracy of 16. Orlan'o Pace is has a 22 power an' 17 accuracy ratin'. Did someone at EA pow'ful put time into figurin' out thet Orlan'o Pace edges out Ole Man Tate Albright in both throwin' power an' accuracy? ah will challenge him enny day. Mah ho'rible passer ratin's is of greatess misfo'tune t'mah son, Red Beard Jr. Th' pore fella is not only hideously homely an' covahed by freakishly large freckles. He also has t'suffer through playin' ketch wif me an' mah senile-elderly-woomin-type passer ratin's. A sesshun of tostin' th' pighide usually cornsists of me missin' mah son by thirty yards in spo'adic direckshuns. ah led him in front of a fire truck once an' mah wife kicked mah ass. This hyar is on account o' of mah 76 toughness ratin'. Yessuh, a 76 is far better than t'other ratin's, but I'm a farkin' lineman, dadburn it. NFL Linemen is considered t'be synonymous wif toughness. Acco'din' t'yer game, ah's a retarded, uncoredinated, pussy-ass farkwad thet kin't fall on a kickoff, throw, o' spell, ah reckon. ah's, howevah, slightly better at mannin' up on a receivah than droppin' into zone covahage. Yo' lose yer mind mo'e an' mo'e etch year, old man, as enny fool kin plainly see. When ah's not snappin' balls, ah snap necks. fark yo', John-Boy. Please speck t'find red pubes in various meals yo' cornsoom fo' th' ress of yer life. Eff'n yo' fark wif Ole Man Tate Albright, yo' call down th' thunner. Rot in Hell, Ole Man Tate Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:40:01 PM  
While I'm too lazy to photoshop it right now, I believe very strongly that they need to put bin Laden on the cover of Madden 08.

It's the only way we're gonna get him.

/Owns Shaun Alexander in a keeper league.
//Highly disgruntled over the abysmal lack of basic functionality in Madden 07.
///I mean no formation subs? That's just a slap in the face.
 
2006-10-19 07:40:28 PM  
こんにちは、ジョンは、私の名前Ethan アルブライトである。私はワシントン州のRedskins のためのラインをする。おそらく既にそれを知っていた、従って私は続ける。私は私がMadden NFL のフットボール2007 年を受け取った53 の全面的なプレーヤーの評価に関して書いている。私はこれがとてもbullshiat であり、私の母とてもろばに接吻するべきであることに感じる。Ahmed Carroll は78 評価され、包装業者はちょうど月曜日夜ゲームの彼の性能の後の火曜日の朝の彼のろばを切った。それはかなりひどい。最も悪い部分は彼の全面的な評価が80 をくんくんかいでいたことである。、ジョン何を知っているか。2 つはこのゲームをすることができる。私はとても12 評価する。私は球舐めることの部門のを除いてEthan アルブライトのフットボール2000-ever のとても12... 評価する。それは私が評価する98 斑点を付けるところである。私が決してあなたのblubbery ろばにあらゆる部門の99 を与えないのでこのスコアを受け取る。それを、鉛筆ディック取りなさい。するAl をMicheals または何か行きなさい。ブーム。赤いひげのためのスコア1 。それは私の意識の評価が59 だったことまたかなりすばらしい。私が午前中目覚め、どうすることもできずたわごとを言い、そして自分自身を怒らせるようにそれに音をしたり、そして私は朝食のための 石を食べることを試みていることを私が発見する前に私の歯の3 つを失う。性交、ジョン、私は私がであるがと言っている言うことがわかり遅く、運動競技熱に欠けている、このような評価は遅らせられるようにほとんど私を分類する。棒 にこの部門で"彼がスマートな私を" 憎む52 がある。電子芸術は7 つの評価ポイントが完全な撞着語法の私そして呼吸の具体化を分けると言っている。に戦われる棒のスマート文の形態の単語を整理する。洞窟人に英語のよりよい把握があっ た。あなたのろばを拭くのにこの困惑させるレベルで無知のポイント価値を分ける唯一の行為はあなた自身の歯ブラシの使用のような事である。私はたわごとの歯の私の欠乏 によって棒から基本に研いだ。私が夜間学校のクラスを取ったら、60 まで私をぶつけてもよいか。私は私がどうしても私が全体のNFL から評価される絶対最も悪いプレーヤーであるという事実を測深できないことを推測する。性交、人は、そこに何人かのshiatty 人そこにである。皆の中で、私は最も悪い絶対的存在評価された。私は私は敏捷の部門で欠けていることにあなたが感じる印象を受け取った。私は私が壁を通って衝突しない し、終わる家具を顕著な成功蹴らない私の反響室を通して歩行を考慮するべきである。あなたのゲームの私の敏捷の評価は33 である。私が余りに速い歩き始めれば私がちょうど余分をぐらつかせるようにそれに思えを作る。テッドワシントン州は40 敏捷の評価される。彼は365 ポンドでリストされている。テッドワシントン州が白人の女性を及び彼女の摩耗に金属のビキニをされて結んだら、彼によってはJabba のようにちょうど小屋が見える。非常警報! ジョンの非常にとてもディックである。私はまた私の蹴りのリターン評価が0 だったことに気づいた。私はとてもゼロ評価されたか。私が10 を受け取るべきでないまたは5 感じることにそうか。私が私の方向で蹴られた球で先にころぶことができなかったとほとんど言っている。私はちょうどそこに立ち、球が私のとても表面の跳ねるようにした 。、ジョンが、私6 ヤードonside 蹴りを2002 年に戻したこと性交しなさい。ちょうどa - 私の4 …を強く打つべきで、EA のスタッフにpaintball 銃との私を待伏せしてもらった。最終的に、私はまずないトピック、私のパスの適用範囲の評価についてコメントすることを望む。私は私がman-to-man 適用範囲(31) に地帯(21) よりよいことを見る。lunchbox と私と横に性交しなさい。これらのスコアはどこから来たか。攻撃的な架線工夫のパスの適用範囲の評価を使われた思い付くことはどの位時間であるか。私はその仕事を有し てもいいか。オーランドのペースがラリーアレンより中間ルートの跳躍でわずかによいと私は考えるここに様子をみよう。私がそれにある間、私もまた攻撃的な架線工夫に渡 る評価を割り当てることができる。私はガイドとして私の物を使用できる。私は17 の投げる力および16 の正確さと評価された。オーランドのペースに22 力及び17 正確さ評価がある。EA の誰かは投げる力および正確さ両方のEthan アルブライトからのオーランドのそのペースの端からの計算に実際に時間を入れたか。私はあらゆる日彼に挑戦する。私の恐ろしい通行人の評価は私の息子に最も大きい不幸 、赤いひげのJr である。貧しい少年は異常に大きいそばかすによって醜く、覆われて醜だけ。彼はまた私及び私の老年性年配女性タイプ通行人の評価が付いている捕獲物をすることによって 苦しまなければならない。豚革を投ることの会議は通常散発的方向の30 ヤードによって私の息子を逃している私から成っている。私は普通消防車の前の彼を一度導き、私の妻は私のろばを蹴った。これは私の76 靭性の評価のためにそうなったものである。はい、76 は他の評価よりずっとよいが、私はとても架線工夫、忌々しいである。NFL の架線工夫は靭性と同義であると考慮される。あなたのゲームに従って、私は遅らせられて、不同格、キックオフで落ちるか、投げるか、または綴ることができない猫ろばの farkwad 。私はしかし地帯の適用範囲に落ちるより受信機で人を配置することでわずかによく。あなたの心を、老人もっとそしてもっと毎年失う。私が球を止めていないとき、私は首 を止める。、ジョン性交しなさい。あなたがその後一生涯消費する様々な食事の赤いpubes を見つけると期待しなさい。Ethan アルブライトと性交すれば、雷の下で呼ぶ。地獄の腐敗、 Ethan アルブライト
 
2006-10-19 07:46:52 PM  
Sadly, I am Amish and cannot read the article because of the presence of many bad words. Could we have a version wherein the objectionable words are replaced with references to bunnies and Jesus, or similar?
 
2006-10-19 07:47:25 PM  
I'm completely illiterate, so could someone please read Ethan Albright's letter out loud and post it as a sound file? Thanks a bunch!
 
2006-10-19 07:52:02 PM  
THE_WIZ

I'm completely illiterate, so could someone please read Ethan Albright's letter out loud and post it as a sound file? Thanks a bunch!

No, but since your name is "The Wiz" I am assuming your from "Da Hood"

So here you go.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being da worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, muh ma farkin name iz Ethan Albright. I play line fo' da Washington Redskins. You prob'ly already knew dat, so I'll continue. I be writing in regards ta da overall player rating o' 53 dat I gots received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel dat dis here iz farking bullshiat an' ya should kiss muh ma farkin mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll wuz rated uh 78 an' da Packers just cut his ass on uh Tuesday morning afta his performance in uh Monday night game. That iz fine ass terrible. The worst part iz dat his overall rating wuz sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play dis here game. I rate ya uh farking 12. I rate ya uh farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except fo' in da category o' ball-licking. That iz where I will spot ya uh 98 rating. You will receive dis here score cuz I will never give yo' blubbery ass uh 99 in any category. Take dat, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or somethin'. Boom. Score one fo' Red Beard.

It's also fine ass fly dat muh ma farkin awareness rating wuz 59. You make it sound like I wake up in da morning, helplessly shiat an' piss myself, then lose three o' muh ma farkin teeth 'bfoe I discover dat I be trying ta eat uh rock fo' breakfast. fark, John, I dig' ya saying dat I be slow an' lacking athleticism, but uh rating like dis here fine ass much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has uh 52 in dis here category. Electronic Arts iz saying dat seven rating points separate me an' da breathing embodiment o' da perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled ta arrange werdz in sentence form. Cave men had bettah hold o' da English language. The only actions dat separate point values o' ignorance at dis here embarrassing level iz things like usin' yo' own toothbrush ta wipe yo' ass. I basically edged out Rod by muh ma farkin lack o' shiat teeth. If I take uh night skoo class, could ya bump me up ta uh 60?

I guess I just can't fathom da fact dat I be da absolute worst player rated out o' da entire NFL. fark, nig, dere iz some shiatty pimpz out dere. Amongst brothas, I wuz rated da absolute worst.

I gots received da impression dat ya feel dat I be lacking in da agility category. I should consider uh walk through muh ma farkin living room where I don't crash trough uh wall or smoke over furniture uh resounding success. My agility rating on yo' game iz 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington iz rated uh 40 in agility. He iz listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied uh whitey beotch up an' made her wear uh metal bikini, he'd peep just like Jabba da Hut.

Red Alert!
John, ya iz such uh farking jimmy. I also noticed dat muh ma farkin smoke return rating wuz uh 0. I wuz rated uh farking zero? So ya feel dat I shouldn't even receive uh 10, or even uh 5? You iz fine ass much saying dat I couldn't even fall forward on uh ball kicked in muh ma farkin direction. I would just stand dere an' let da ball bounce off o' muh ma farkin farking face. fark dat, John, I returned an onside smoke 6 yards in 2002. You should gots just slapped uh - 4 on me an' had da EA staff ambush me wiff paintball guns.

Finally, I Wants ta comment on an unlikely topic, muh ma farkin pass coverage ratings. I see dat I be uh bettah at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways wiff uh lunchbox. Where did deez scores even come from? How much tyme iz spent coming up wiff da pass coverage ratings o' offensive lineman? Can I gots dat job? Let's see here, I th'o't dat Orlando Pace would be slightly bettah at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign da passing ratings fo' offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as uh guide.

I wuz rated wiff uh throwing power o' 17 an' accuracy o' 16. Orlando Pace iz has uh 22 power an' 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put tyme into figuring out dat Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power an' accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings iz o' greatest misfortune ta muh ma farkin son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy iz not only hideously ugly an' covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has ta suffer through playing catch wiff me an' muh ma farkin senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session o' tossing da pigskin usually consists o' me missing muh ma farkin son by thiddy yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front o' uh fire `64 once an' muh ma farkin wife kicked muh ma farkin ass. This iz cuz o' muh ma farkin 76 toughness rating. Yes, uh 76 iz far bettah than da other ratings, but I'm uh farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen iz considered ta be synonymous wiff toughness. According ta yo' game, I be uh retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad dat can't fall on uh kickoff, throw, or spell. I be, however, slightly bettah at manning up on uh receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose yo' mind mo' an' mo' each year, old nig.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark ya, John. Please expect ta find red pubes in various meals ya consume fo' da rest o' yo' life. If ya fark wiff Ethan Albright, ya page down da thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright Jus' like Orenthawl James.
 
2006-10-19 07:52:36 PM  
working link: http://www.sportsconvo.com/humor/3143-hilarious-madden-article.html

/too lazy to put in html
 
2006-10-19 07:53:40 PM  
img141.imageshack.us
 
2006-10-19 07:54:33 PM  
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S c o r e o n e f o r R e d B e a r d . ^M ^J ^M ^J I t 10010010 s a l s o p r e t t y w o n d e r f u l t h a t m y a w a r e n e s s r a t i n g w a s 5 9 . Y o u m a k e i t s o u n d l i k e I w a k e u p i n t h e m o r n i n g , h e l p l e s s l y s h i a t a n d p i s s m y s e l f , t h e n l o s e t h r e e o f m y t e e t h b e f o r e I d i s c o v e r t h a t I a m t r y i n g t o e a t a r o c k f o r b r e a k f a s t . f a r k , J o h n , I u n d e r s t a n d y o u s a y i n g t h a t I a m s l o w a n d l a c k i n g a t h l e t i c i s m , b u t a r a t i n g l i k e t h i s p r e t t y m u c h l a b e l s m e a s r e t a r d e d . R o d 10010011 H e H a t e M e 10010100 S m a r t h a s a 5 2 i n t h i s c a t e g o r y . E l e c t r o n i c A r t s i s s a y i n g t h a t s e v e n r a t i n g p o i n t s s e p a r a t e m e a n d t h e b r e a t h i n g e m b o d i m e n t o f t h e p e r f e c t o x y m o r o n . R o d S m a r t s t r u g g l e d t o a r r a n g e w o r d s i n s e n t e n c e f o r m . C a v e m e n h a d b e t t e r h o l d o f t h e E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e . T h e o n l y a c t i o n s t h a t s e p a r a t e p o i n t v a l u e s o f i g n o r a n c e a t t h i s e m b a r r a s s i n g l e v e l a r e t h i n g s l i k e u s i n g y o u r o w n t o o t h b r u s h t o w i p e y o u r a s s . I b a s i c a l l y e d g e d o u t R o d b y m y l a c k o f s h i a t t e e t h . I f I t a k e a n i g h t s c h o o l c l a s s , c o u l d y o u b u m p m e u p t o a 6 0 ? ^M ^J ^M ^J I g u e s s I j u s t c a n 10010010 t f a t h o m t h e f a c t t h a t I a m t h e a b s o l u t e w o r s t p l a y e r r a t e d o u t o f t h e e n t i r e N F L . f a r k , m a n , t h e r e a r e s o m e s h i a t t y g u y s o u t t h e r e . A m o n g s t e v e r y o n e , I w a s r a t e d t h e a b s o l u t e w o r s t . ^M ^J ^M ^J I h a v e r e c e i v e d t h e i m p r e s s i o n t h a t y o u f e e l t h a t I a m l a c k i n g i n t h e a g i l i t y c a t e g o r y . I s h o u l d c o n s i d e r a w a l k t h r o u g h m y l i v i n g r o o m w h e r e I d o n 10010010 t c r a s h t h r o u g h a w a l l o r k i c k o v e r f u r n i t u r e a r e s o u n d i n g s u c c e s s . M y a g i l i t y r a t i n g o n y o u r g a m e i s 3 3 . I t m a k e s i t s o u n d l i k e I j u s t t o p p l e o v e r i f I s t a r t w a l k i n g t o o f a s t . T e d W a s h i n g t o n i s r a t e d a 4 0 i n a g i l i t y . H e i s l i s t e d a t 3 6 5 p o u n d s . I f T e d W a s h i n g t o n t i e d a w h i t e l a d y u p a n d m a d e h e r w e a r a m e t a l b i k i n i , h e 10010010 d l o o k j u s t l i k e J a b b a t h e H u t . ^M ^J ^M ^J R e d A l e r t ! ^M ^J J o h n , y o u a r e s u c h a f a r k i n g d i c k . I a l s o n o t i c e d t h a t m y k i c k r e t u r n r a t i n g w a s a 0 . I w a s r a t e d a f a r k i n g z e r o ? S o y o u f e e l t h a t I s h o u l d n 10010010 t e v e n r e c e i v e a 1 0 , o r e v e n a 5 ? Y o u a r e p r e t t y m u c h s a y i n g t h a t I c o u l d n 10010010 t e v e n f a l l f o r w a r d o n a b a l l k i c k e d i n m y d i r e c t i o n . I w o u l d j u s t s t a n d t h e r e a n d l e t t h e b a l l b o u n c e o f f o f m y f a r k i n g f a c e . f a r k t h a t , J o h n , I r e t u r n e d a n o n s i d e k i c k 6 y a r d s i n 2 0 0 2 . Y o u s h o u l d h a v e j u s t s l a p p e d a - 4 o n m e a n d h a d t h e E A s t a f f a m b u s h m e w i t h p a i n t b a l l g u n s . ^M ^J ^M ^J F i n a l l y , I w o u l d l i k e t o c o m m e n t o n a n u n l i k e l y t o p i c , m y p a s s c o v e r a g e r a t i n g s . I s e e t h a t I a m a b e t t e r a t m a n - t o - m a n c o v e r a g e ( 3 1 ) t h a n z o n e ( 2 1 ) . f a r k m e s i d e w a y s w i t h a l u n c h b o x . W h e r e d i d t h e s e s c o r e s e v e n c o m e f r o m ? H o w m u c h t i m e i s s p e n t c o m i n g u p w i t h t h e p a s s c o v e r a g e r a t i n g s o f o f f e n s i v e l i n e m a n ? C a n I h a v e t h a t j o b ? L e t 10010010 s s e e h e r e , I t h i n k t h a t O r l a n d o P a c e w o u l d b e s l i g h t l y b e t t e r a t j u m p i n g i n t e r m e d i a t e r o u t e s t h a n L a r r y A l l e n . W h i l e I 10010010 m a t i t , I c a n a s s i g n t h e p a s s i n g r a t i n g s f o r o f f e n s i v e l i n e m a n a s w e l l . I c a n u s e m i n e a s a g u i d e . ^M ^J ^M ^J I w a s r a t e d w i t h a t h r o w i n g p o w e r o f 1 7 a n d a c c u r a c y o f 1 6 . O r l a n d o P a c e h a s a 2 2 p o w e r a

(blah blah blah)
 
2006-10-19 07:55:35 PM  
I just got hooked on phonics, and thought I'd post Ethan Albright's letter for those of you who couldn't access the site:

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Awbwight. I pway wine fow the Washington Wedskins. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! You pwobabwy awweady knew that, so I'ww continue. I am wwiting in wegawds to the ovewaww pwayew wating of 53 that I have weceived in Madden NFW Footbaww 2007. I feew that this is fawking buwwshiat and you shouwd kiss my mothew-fawking ass. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Ahmed Cawwoww was wated a 78 and the Packews just cut his ass on a Tuesday mowning aftew his pewfowmance in a Monday night game. Dat is pwetty tewwibwe. De wowst pawt is that his ovewaww wating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can pway this game. I wate you a fawking 12. I wate you a fawking 12 in Ethan Awbwight Footbaww 2000-evew... except fow in the categowy of baww-wicking. Dat is whewe I wiww spot you a 98 wating. You wiww weceive this scowe because I wiww nevew give youw bwubbewy ass a 99 in any categowy. Take that, penciw-dick. Go do Aw Micheaws ow something. Boom. Scowe one fow Wed Beawd.

It's awso pwetty wondewfuw that my awaweness wating was 59. You make it sound wike I wake up in the mowning, hewpwesswy shiat and piss mysewf, then wose thwee of my teef befowe I discovew that I am twying to eat a wock fow bweakfast. fawk, John, I undewstand you saying that I am swow and wacking athweticism, but a wating wike this pwetty much wabews me as wetawded. Wod "He Hate Me" Smawt has a 52 in this categowy. Ewectwonic Awts is saying that seven wating points sepawate me and the bweathing embodiment of the pewfect oxymowon, uh-hah-hah-hah. Wod Smawt stwuggwed to awwange wowds in sentence fowm. Cave men had bettew howd of the Engwish wanguage. De onwy actions that sepawate point vawues of ignowance at this embawwassing wevew awe things wike using youw own toothbwush to wipe youw ass. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I basicawwy edged out Wod by my wack of shiat teeth. If I take a night schoow cwass, couwd you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absowute wowst pwayew wated out of the entiwe NFW. fawk, man, thewe awe some shiatty guys out thewe. Amongst evewyone, I was wated the absowute wowst.

I have weceived the impwession that you feew that I am wacking in the agiwity categowy. I shouwd considew a wawk thwough my wiving woom whewe I don't cwash thwough a waww ow kick ovew fuwnituwe a wesounding success. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! My agiwity wating on youw game is 33. It makes it sound wike I just toppwe ovew if I stawt wawking too fast. Ted Washington is wated a 40 in agiwity. He is wisted at 365 pounds. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! If Ted Washington tied a white wady up and made hew weaw a metaw bikini, he'd wook just wike Jabba the Hut.

Wed Awewt! John, you awe such a fawking dick. I awso noticed that my kick wetuwn wating was a 0. I was wated a fawking zewo? So you feew that I shouwdn't even weceive a 10, ow even a 5? You awe pwetty much saying that I couwdn't even faww fowwawd on a baww kicked in my diwection, uh-hah-hah-hah. I wouwd just stand thewe and wet the baww bounce off of my fawking face. fawk that, John, I wetuwned an onside kick 6 yawds in 2002. You shouwd have just swapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me wif paintbaww guns.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Finawwy, I wouwd wike to comment on an unwikewy topic, my pass covewage watings. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I see that I am a bettew at man-to-man covewage (31) than zone (21). fawk me sideways wif a wunchbox. Whewe did these scowes even come fwom? How much time is spent coming up wif the pass covewage watings of offensive wineman? Can I have that job? Wet's see hewe, I think that Owwando Pace wouwd be swightwy bettew at jumping intewmediate woutes than Wawwy Awwen, uh-hah-hah-hah. Whiwe I'm at it, I can assign the passing watings fow offensive wineman as weww. I can use mine as a guide.

I was wated wif a thwowing powew of 17 and accuwacy of 16. Owwando Pace has a 22 powew and 17 accuwacy wating. Did someone at EA weawwy put time into figuwing out that Owwando Pace edges out Ethan Awbwight in bof thwowing powew and accuwacy? I wiww chawwenge him any day. My howwibwe passew watings awe of gweatest misfowtune to my son, Wed Beawd Jw. De poow boy is not onwy hideouswy ugwy and covewed by fweakishwy wawge fweckwes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! He awso has to suffew thwough pwaying catch wif me and my seniwe-ewdewwy-woman-type passew watings. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! A session of tossing the pigskin usuawwy consists of me missing my son by thiwty yawds in spowadic diwections. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I wed him in fwont of a fiwe twuck once and my wife kicked my ass. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Dis is because of my 76 toughness wating. Yes, a 76 is faw bettew than the othew watings, but I'm a fawking wineman, damn it. NFW Winemen awe considewed to be synonymous wif toughness. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Accowding to youw game, I am a wetawded, uncoowdinated, pussy-ass fawkwad that can't faww on a kickoff, thwow, ow speww. I am, howevew, swightwy bettew at manning up on a weceivew than dwopping into zone covewage. You wose youw mind mowe and mowe each yeaw, owd man, uh-hah-hah-hah.

fawk you, John, uh-hah-hah-hah. Pwease expect to find wed pubes in vawious meaws you consume fow the west of youw wife. If you fawk wif Ethan Awbwight, you caww down the thundew.
 
2006-10-19 07:55:39 PM  
hmm.. that was supposed to be in binary.. oh well.
 
2006-10-19 07:59:19 PM  
Let's try something different..

Bekanntgegeben: 10/11/2006 vorbei: Juan Turlington ein Bild der hervorragender Leistung. : John Machen Cm Verrückt: Elektronischer Kunst-Sport Von: Ethan Albright Bezüglich: Seiend der schlechteste steuerpflichtige Spieler machen Sie an ` 07 verrückt Hallo, ist John, mein Name Ethan Albright. Ich spiele Linie für die Washington Redskins. Sie wußten vermutlich bereits das, also fahre ich fort. Ich schreibe in Respekt zur gesamten Spielerbewertung von 53, die ich innen verrückt mache NFL Fußball 2007 empfangen habe. Ich glaube, daß dieses bullshiat farking und Sie meinen Mutter-farking Esel küssen sollten. Ahmed Carroll wurde 78 veranschlagen und die Verpacker schnitten gerade seinen Esel auf einem Dienstag Morgen nach seiner Leistung in einem Montag Nachtspiel. Das ist recht schrecklich. Das schlechteste Teil ist, daß seine gesamte Bewertung 80 schnüffelte. Sie wissen, was, John? Zwei können dieses Spiel spielen. Ich veranschlage Sie farking 12. Ich veranschlage Sie farking 12 Ethan Albright im Fußball 2000-ever... außer in der Kategorie des Kugel-Leckens. Das ist, wo ich Sie 98 veranschlagend beschmutze. Sie empfangen diese Kerbe, weil ich Ihrem blubbery Esel 99 in irgendeiner Kategorie nie gebe. Nehmen Sie das, Bleistift-Dick. Gehen Sie tun Al Micheals oder etwas. Hochkonjunktur. Kerbe eine für roten Bart. Es ist auch hübsches wundervolles, daß meine Bewußtsein Bewertung 59 war. Sie bilden es Ton, wie ich morgens aufwache, hilflos shiat und piss selbst, dann verlieren drei meiner Zähne, bevor ich entdecke, daß ich versuche, einen Felsen für Frühstück fark zu essen, John, ich verstehe Sie sagend, daß ich langsam ermangelnd bin und Athletentum, aber eine Bewertung wie dieses hübsche viel beschriftet mich, wie verzögert. Rod ", das er mich" intelligent haßt, hat 52 in dieser Kategorie. Elektronische künste sagt, daß sieben veranschlagende Punkte mich und die atmenverkörperung des vollkommenen Oxymoron trennen. Rod intelligente gekämpft zu ordnen Wörter in der Satzform. Höhlen Sie Männer hatte besseren Einfluß der englischen Sprache aus. Die einzigen Tätigkeiten, die Punktwerte der Unwissenheit auf diesem peinlichen Niveau trennen, sind Sachen wie das Verwenden Ihrer eigenen Zahnbürste, um Ihren Esel abzuwischen. Ich umrandete im Allgemeinen aus Rod durch meinen Mangel an shiat Zähnen. Wenn ich eine Abendschulekategorie nehme, konnten Sie mich bis zu 60 stoßen? Ich schätze, daß ich gerade nicht fathom die Tatsache, daß ich der absolute schlechteste Spieler bin, der aus dem gesamten NFL. fark heraus veranschlagen wird, Mann, dort bin einige shiatty Kerle heraus dort kann. Unter jeder wurde mir das schlechteste Absolute veranschlagen. Ich habe den Eindruck empfangen, den Sie glauben, daß ich in der Beweglichkeit Kategorie ermangele. Ich sollte einen Weg durch meinen lebenden Raum betrachten, in dem ich nicht durch eine Wand zusammenstoße oder Übermöbel ein resounding Erfolg trete. Meine Beweglichkeit Bewertung auf Ihrem Spiel ist 33. Sie bildet es Ton, wie ich gerade überstürze, wenn ich anfange zu gehen zu schnelles. Ted Washington wird 40 in der Beweglichkeit veranschlagen. Er wird bei 365 zerstößt verzeichnet. Wenn Ted Washington eine weiße Dame oben und ihre Abnutzung einen Metallbikini gebildet band, würde er gerecht wie Jabba die Hütte schauen. Roter Alarm! John, sind Sie solch ein farking Dick. Ich beachtete auch, daß mein Stoßrückkehrveranschlagen 0 war. Ich wurde farking null veranschlagen? So fühlen Sie, daß ich nicht 10 sogar empfangen sollte, oder sogar 5? Sie sind viel Saying hübsch, daß ich nicht vorwärts auf eine Kugel sogar fallen könnte, die in meine Richtung getreten wurde. Ich würde gerade dort stehen und die Kugel von meinem farking Gesicht fark weg aufprallen ließ, dem, John, ich einen onside Stoß 6 Yards 2002 zurückbrachte. Sie sollten a gerade geschlagen haben - 4 auf mir und hatten den EA Personalhinterhalt ich mit paintball Gewehren. Schließlich möchte ich ein unwahrscheinliches Thema, meine Durchlaufdeckungbewertungen kommentieren. Ich sehe, daß ich an Mann-zu-Mann Deckung (31) als Zone (21) ein besseres bin. fark ich seitlich mit einem lunchbox. Woher kamen diese Kerben sogar? Wieviel Zeit ist aufgewendetes mit den vergehendeckungbewertungen des beleidigenden Störungssuchers oben kommen? Kann ich diesen Job haben? Lassen Sie uns hier sehen, ich denken, daß Orlando Schritt am Springen der Zwischenwege als Larry Allen etwas besser sein würde. Während ich an ihm bin, kann ich die überschreitenen Bewertungen für beleidigenden Störungssucher außerdem zuweisen. Ich kann meine als Führer verwenden. Ich wurde mit einer werfenden Energie von 17 und Genauigkeit von 16 veranschlagen. Orlando Schritt hat eine Energie 22 und 17 Genauigkeitsfestlegung. Setzte jemand an EA wirklich Zeit in das Berechnen aus Rändern dieses Orlando Schrittes aus Ethan Albright in werfender Energie und in der Genauigkeit? Ich fordere ihn jeder möglicher Tag heraus. Meine schrecklichen Passantbewertungen sind vom größten Unglück zu meinem Sohn, roter Bart Jr. Der arme Junge ist nicht nur schrecklich häßlich und durch freakishly große Freckles bedeckt. Er muß durch das Spielen der Verriegelung mit mir und meiner Senile-älter-Frauart Passantbewertungen auch leiden. Ein Lernabschnitt des Werfens der Schweinehaut besteht normalerweise aus mir meinen Sohn durch dreißig Yards in den sporadischen Richtungen vermissend. Ich führte ihn vor einem Feuer-LKW einmal und meine Frau trat meinen Esel. Dieses ist wegen meiner Bewertung der Härte 76. Ja ist 76 weit besser als die anderen Bewertungen, aber ich bin ein farking Störungssucher, Fluch es. NFL Störungssucher werden betrachtet, mit Härte synonym zu sein. Entsprechend Ihrem Spiel bin ich verzögert, unkoordiniert, Pussyesel farkwad, das nicht auf einen Start fallen, werfen oder buchstabieren kann. Ich bin jedoch etwas besser am Bemannen oben auf einem Empfänger als, fallend in Zone Deckung. Sie verlieren Ihren Verstand mehr und mehr jedes Jahr, alter Mann. Wenn ich nicht Kugeln reiße, reiße ich Ansätze. Fark Sie, John. Erwarten Sie bitte, rote pubes in den verschiedenen Mahlzeiten zu finden, die Sie für den Rest Ihres Lebens verbrauchen. Wenn Sie fark mit Ethan Albright, Sie hinunter den Donner benennen. Fäule in der Hölle, Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 07:59:20 PM  
Detry: THE_WIZ

I'm completely illiterate, so could someone please read Ethan Albright's letter out loud and post it as a sound file? Thanks a bunch!

No, but since your name is "The Wiz" I am assuming your from "Da Hood"



No, it turns out I'm a fictional cartoon character! Who'd a thunk it? But thanks anyhow.
 
2006-10-19 07:59:40 PM  
i'm having trouble reading this, can someone please post it in wingdings?
 
2006-10-19 08:00:47 PM  
2 JON MAD3N
C ALECTRONIC ARTS SPORTS
FROM ETHAN ALBRIGHT
RE BNG DA WORST RAETD PLAEYR ON MAD3N '07

HI JON MAH NME SI 3THAN ALBRIGHT!11!!!!! LOL I PLAY LIEN FOR DA WASHNG2N R3DSKINS! OMG U PROBABLEY ALR3ADY KNEW TAHT SO I'L CONTINUA!!11!1 OMG WTF LOL IM WRITNG IN REGARDS 2 TEH OVARAL PLAEYR RATNG OF 53 TAHT I HAEV R3CEIEVD IN MADEN NFL FOTBAL 207!!!!!1! WTF I FEL TAHT THES SI FARKNG BULSHIAT AND U SHUD KIS MAH MOTH3R-FARKNG AS!!1!11! LOL AHMED CAROL WAS RAETD A 78 AND TEH PAKERS JUST CUT HIS AS ON A TUASDAY MORNNG AFTER HIS P3RFORMANCE IN A MONDAY NIGHT GM3!!!1!!!1 OMG WTF TAHT SI PRETY TARIBL3!1!!!!1 LOL DA WORST PART SI TAHT HIS OVERAL RATNG WAS SNIFNG U!111!!1! OMG LOL KNOW WUT JON??!!? WTF TWO CAN PLAY THES GME!!!1!1! OMG WTF LOL I RAET U A FARKNG 12!11111!1! WTF I RAET U A FARKNG 12 IN ETHAN ALBRIGHT FOTBAL 200-EVAR... AXCAPT FOR IN TEH CAETGORY OF BAL-LIKNG!1!1!! LOL TAHT SI WHER3 I WIL SPOT U A 98 RATNG!!111!!!! OMG WTF U WIL RACEIEV THES SCORE B/C I WIL NEVER GIEV UR BLUB3RY AS A 9 IN ANY CAETGORY!!1!1! OMG WTF TAEK TAHT PENCIL-DIK!!!1!!!1 OMG WTF GO DO AL MICH3ALS OR SOMETHNG!!111 OMG LOL BOM!!11!1 OMG WTF SCORA ONA FOR R3D BARD

IT'S!11!!!11 OMG WTF LOL ALSO PR3TY WONDARFUL TAHT MAH AWAERNES RATNG WAS 59!111!! WTF U MAEK IT SOUND LIEK I WAEK UP IN DA MORNNG HELPL3SLEY SHIAT AND PIS MYSALF TH3N LOSA THRE OF MAH TETH BFORE I DISCOV3R TAHT IM TRYNG 2 3AT A ROK FOR BR3AKFAST!11!! OMG WTF LOL FARK JON I UND3RSTAND U SAYNG TAHT IM SLOW AND LAKNG ATHL3TICISM BUT A RATNG LIEK THES PR3TY MUCH LAEBLS MA AS RETARD3D!1!!!!1 OMG LOL ROD "HE HAET ME" SMART HAS A 52 IN THES CAETGORY!!1!!!!!! LOL ALACTRONIC ARTS SI SAYNG TAHT SEVAN RATNG POINTS S3PARAET M3 AND TEH BRAATHNG 3MBODIEMNT OF DA P3RFECT OXYMORON!!!11!!1 WTF ROD SMART STRUGL3D 2 ARANGE WORDS IN SENTANCA FORM!1!1!!11 OMG WTF LOL CAEV MEN HAD BTER HOLD OF DA 3NGLISH LANGUAEG!1!!1 OMG WTF DA ONLEY ACTIONS TAHT S3PARAET POINT VALU3S OF IGNORANC3 AT THES 3MBARASNG L3VEL R THNGS LIEK USNG UR OWN 2THBRUSH 2 WIEP UR AS!1!1!!1 OMG I BASICALY EDGED OUT ROD BY MAH LAK OF SHIAT TETH!1!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL IF I TAEK A NIGHT SKOOL CLAS CUD U BUMP MA UP 2 A 60

I?!!!! OMG GU3S I JUST CAN'T FATHOM TEH FACT TAHT IM TEH ABSOLUTA WORST PLAEYR RAETD OUT OF TEH ENTIER NFL!11!11!! LOL FARK MAN THEYRE R SOMA SHIATY GUYS OUT TH3RA!111! OMG LOL MONGST EVARYONA I WAS RAETD TEH ABSOLUT3 WORST

I!1!111!1 OMG HAEV R3C3IEVD TEH IMPR3SION TAHT U FEL TAHT IM LAKNG IN TEH AGILITY CAETGORY!!111 LOL I SHUD CONSIEDR A WOK THROUGH MAH LIVNG ROM WHERE I DON'T CRASH THROUGH A WAL OR KIK OV3R FURNITUR3 A R3SOUNDNG SUCES!!!1!111 OMG LOL MAH AGILITY RATNG ON UR GM3 SI 3!1111 OMG WTF LOL IT MAEKS IT SOUND LIEK I JUST 2PLE OV3R IF I START WOKNG 2 FAST!1!!!1 TED WASHNG2N SI RAETD A 40 IN AGILITY!11!!11! HE SI LIST3D AT 365 POUNDS!1!1111!! LOL IF T3D WASHNG2N TEID A WHIET LADY UP AND MAED HER WEAR A METAL BIKINI HE'D LOK JUST LIEK JABA DA HUT

RAD!!!!!1 OMG AELRT
JON!!11!1111 OMG WTF U R SUCH A FARKNG DIK!!1!!1!1 OMG LOL I ALSO NOTIECD TAHT MAH KIK R3TURN RATNG WAS A 0!1111!!!1 OMG WTF I WAS RAETD A FARKNG ZERO?!??? SO U FEL TAHT I SHUDN'T EV3N RECEIEV A 10 OR 3V3N A 5??!!?!!? U R PRETY MUCH SAYNG TAHT I CUDN'T AV3N FAL FORWARD ON A BAL KIKED IN MAH DIERCTION!!!1!!!1! OMG I WUD JUST STAND THEIR AND LET TEH BAL BOUNCA OF OF MAH FARKNG FAEC!11!! WTF LOL FARK TAHT JON I RETURNED AN ONSIED KIK 6 YARDS IN 202!!11!!1 OMG WTF U SHUD HAEV JUST SLAPAD A - 4 ON ME AND HAD TEH 3A STAF MBUSH ME WIT PANETBAL GUNS

FINALY!!!!!!111 LOL I WUD LIEK 2 COM3NT ON AN UNLIEKLEY 2PIC MAH PAS COVARAEG RATNGS!!!!1!! OMG WTF I SE TAHT IM A BTER AT MAN-2-MAN COV3RAEG (31) THAN ZONA (21)!1!!! OMG WTF LOL FARK ME SIEDWAYS WIT A LUNCHBOX!!!!!!1 LOL WH3RE DID THES3 SCORES EVEN COM3 FROM?!??! OMG WTF LOL HOW MUCH TIEM SI SPENT COMNG UP WIT TEH PAS COVARAEG RATNGS OF OFENSIEV LIENMAN????!!? OMG WTF CAN I HAEV TAHT JOB??!?!! WTF LOL L3T'S SE HERA I THINK TAHT ORLANDO PAEC WUD B SLIGHTLEY BTER AT JUMPNG INTERM3DIAET ROUTES THAN LARY AL3N!!!1! WTF WHIEL I'M AT IT I CAN ASIGN TEH PASNG RATNGS FOR OF3NSIEV LIENMAN AS WEL!1!1!! OMG I CAN UES MIEN AS A GUIED

I!!!11!!1 WAS RAETD WIT A THROWNG POW3R OF 17 AND ACURACY OF 16!!!!!1! OMG ORLANDO PAEC HAS A 2 POWER AND 17 ACURACY RATNG!1!!1!!! WTF LOL DID SOMEONE AT 3A RILLY PUT TIEM IN2 FIGURNG OUT TAHT ORLANDO PAEC EDGES OUT ATHAN ALBRIGHT IN BOTH THROWNG POWER AND ACURACY?!?!?!!?? WTF I WIL CHALENGE HIM ANY DAY!111!11 WTF LOL MAH HORIBL3 PAS3R RATNGS R OF GREAETST MISFORTUNE 2 MAH SON RED BARD JR!!1!1 OMG LOL TEH POR BOY SI NOT ONLEY HIEDOSLEY UGLEY AND COV3R3D BY FREAKISHLEY LARGA FR3KLES!11!11 LOL HA ALSO HAS 2 SUF3R THROUGH PLAYNG CATCH WIT M3 AND MAH S3NIEL-ELD3RLY-WOMAN-TYPE PASER RATNGS!11!!11! OMG LOL A S3SION OF 2SNG DA PIGSKIN USUALY CONSISTS OF M3 MISNG MAH SON BY THIRTY YARDS IN SPORADIC DIERCTIONS!1!1!11 OMG WTF LOL I LED HIM IN FRONT OF A FIER TRUK ONCA AND MAH WIEF KIKAD MAH AS!!!!111 WTF THES SI B/C OF MAH 76 2UGHNES RATNG!!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL Y3S A 76 SI FAR BTER THAN DA OTH3R RATNGS BUT I'M A FARKNG LIENMAN DMN IT!!!!1! NFL LIENMEN R CONSIEDRAD 2 B SYNONYMOS WIT 2UGHNAS!11!111 OMG LOL ACORDNG 2 UR GME IM A RATARDED UNCORDINAETD PUSY-AS FARKWAD TAHT CAN'T FAL ON A KIKOF THROW OR SPEL!!11!1 OMG WTF LOL I M HOWEV3R SLIGHTLEY BTAR AT MANNG UP ON A R3C3IEVR THAN DROPNG IN2 ZONA COV3RAEG!1!!!! OMG WTF LOL U LOSA UR MIND MORE AND MORE EACH Y3AR OLD MAN

WHAN!!11!!1 LOL IMM NOT SNAPNG BALS I SNAP N3X
FARK!!!!11 OMG U JON!11!!11 OMG WTF PLZ EXP3CT 2 FIND RAD PUBS IN VARIOS MEALS U CONSUME FOR TEH REST OF UR LIEF!11!111!1 OMG WTF IF U FARK WIT 3THAN ALBRIGHT U CAL DOWN TEH THUNDER

ROT!!1111 OMG IN HEL

3THAN ALBRIGHT
 
2006-10-19 08:02:10 PM  
For the Amish..

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is bunny droppings and you should kiss my mother-loving butterfly. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his butterfly on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a intercouse 12. I rate you a intercourse 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball peen hammer-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery butterfly a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-nose. Go hug Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly love and hug myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. sheesh, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as not very bright. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your hair. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of straight teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. sheesh, man, there are some rotten guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a soothing phalus. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a poor zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my pretty face. poof that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with squirt guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). kiss me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my rear. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a gosh darn lineman, darn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a slow, uncoordinated, mushy-rear tightwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
gosh darn you, John. Please expect to find red hair in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you mess with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Sunshine,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 08:05:06 PM  
If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

ROFL
 
2006-10-19 08:06:21 PM  
sinistermonk

Wtf, stop posting that annoying letter in this thread. Getting annoying. Also, it's not real. Same people who think it is enjoy wrestling and The Simple Life.

/spite me
//i dare you


I put on my robe and wizard hat....


YOU ARE HEREBY SPOTE.
 
2006-10-19 08:07:13 PM  
LOL Detry... that wizard thing is never gonna get old.
 
2006-10-19 08:08:02 PM  
That was for those of you tuning in via AOL, by the way.
 
2006-10-19 08:12:32 PM  
Almost funny.

6/10

//must try harder
 
2006-10-19 08:15:52 PM  
Dude, I like totally picked up Albright for my fantasy league. If his fiery tenacity translates onto the field, that trophy is mine. I had to drop LaDainian Tomlinson, but it will be so worth it in the end.
 
2006-10-19 08:16:44 PM  
Detry: I put on my robe and wizard hat....

Thief! Give me back my robe and wizard hat!

/Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
 
2006-10-19 08:20:27 PM  
Ethan to John:

FOCK YOUR ASS!

That's the first thing that came to mind.

/anyone?
 
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