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(The Phat Phree)   An open letter from the worst rated player in Madden 2007 to John Madden - possibly the funniest thing you will read all week   (thephatphree.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing  
•       •       •

75817 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Oct 2006 at 5:36 PM (10 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



356 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2006-10-18 06:54:24 PM  
Bwahhhh Ha Ha Haaaaaa!!!!
 
2006-10-18 07:00:28 PM  
nsfw language, and pretty funny
 
2006-10-18 07:02:40 PM  
That's gold.
 
2006-10-18 07:03:37 PM  
Haha, what an idiot.
 
2006-10-18 07:06:56 PM  
Damn thats funny.
 
2006-10-18 07:14:37 PM  
Funny stuff!
 
2006-10-18 07:16:44 PM  
SOB still makes like 800k.
 
2006-10-18 07:19:35 PM  
You do realize that submitting a sub-standard mimicking of The Onion gets you nowhere, submitter.

/punches you in the cock
//courtesy one Onion
 
2006-10-18 07:22:17 PM  
Onion rip-off or not, still pretty funny.

/btw, how 'bout those Bears!
//BWAAA HAHAHAHAH HAAAAAAAAA
 
2006-10-18 07:23:44 PM  
I'll give him a rating of 91 in literacy (even with the profuse swear words).

In sheer balls, and probably staying power in life I'd say 100.

/if he's a liter I'll sponser him. If he's not, I still will if he can be tempted.
 
2006-10-18 07:25:14 PM  
I guess I sucked that parody in then.

Woe.
 
2006-10-18 07:34:03 PM  
I know dick about football and still weep tears of laughter rereading that.
 
2006-10-18 07:48:26 PM  
**shaking fast at aquigley**

/goddamned bears
 
2006-10-19 05:39:32 PM  
Le Farked.
 
2006-10-19 05:39:51 PM  
farked?
 
2006-10-19 05:40:27 PM  
Loading...
 
2006-10-19 05:40:34 PM  
He spelled "Hutt" wrong. He deserves the rating.
 
2006-10-19 05:40:35 PM  
Those "straight" guys sure know how to throw a girly hissy fit. Go back in the shower with all the other straight guys.
 
2006-10-19 05:40:38 PM  
Can someone post that? It's blocked @ work, and it sounds like it's already Farked.
 
2006-10-19 05:40:54 PM  
LOLOL!!!~!! SWEARING IZ TEH PEAK OF KOMEDY!

EconAtheist FTW.
BTW, I watched some sports show report on this guy before the season started, he really doesn't care AT ALL.
 
2006-10-19 05:41:02 PM  
Is anyone else having trouble seeing this link. I think it doesn't work on my browser or something. My girlfriend's having trouble too and she uses Earthlink, so I don't know what's going on. Hers always works. Anyway, I guess it's prettty funny, judging by the other comments here. I haven't watched football in about twelve years, but I like John Madden.
 
2006-10-19 05:41:38 PM  
Tis' Farked.
 
2006-10-19 05:41:39 PM  
I shot a hot-sauce ladened bean through my nose when I read this earlier. I hurt for an hour.
 
2006-10-19 05:42:29 PM  
i can't see anything :(

/hates being left out
 
2006-10-19 05:42:30 PM  
FARK = Destroyer of web sites everywhere

/linky farkied
 
2006-10-19 05:43:08 PM  
Red pubes!!!!! Bwahahahahahahaha!
 
2006-10-19 05:43:29 PM  
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.
 
2006-10-19 05:43:37 PM  
LMAO. That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.
 
2006-10-19 05:44:15 PM  
Amusing, sort of.
 
2006-10-19 05:44:20 PM  
el farked-o
 
2006-10-19 05:44:53 PM  
Apparent farkage.
 
2006-10-19 05:44:55 PM  
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

/from Google cache
 
2006-10-19 05:44:59 PM  
I want to see teh funnay too !!

/feeling left out
//waaaahh !!!
 
2006-10-19 05:45:09 PM  
TFA:

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 05:45:41 PM  
Meh, it was alright. Fark me sideways with a lunchbox is a pretty funny line though.
 
2006-10-19 05:45:45 PM  
damnit
 
2006-10-19 05:45:51 PM  
The Amazing Sapien

Welcome to Fark! We destroy crap!
 
2006-10-19 05:45:53 PM  
Hey guys? I think somebody should post the article.
 
2006-10-19 05:45:54 PM  
Oh, there it is.....

/slow
 
2006-10-19 05:46:15 PM  
www.corporateartists.com

/no comment
 
2006-10-19 05:46:36 PM  
As a writer for, and HUGE fan of The Phat Phree I can say that the article was funny, but not nearly as funny as "you can plinko for shiat you dumb whore"
 
2006-10-19 05:47:06 PM  
I dunno, I guess im ignorant for laughing at writing with swears in it, although that definately wasnt the funny part. Its called emphasis.

Anyways, definately one of the funniest things ive read in a long time, my sides ache.
 
2006-10-19 05:47:24 PM  
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is farking bullshiat and you should kiss my mother-farking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a farking 12. I rate you a farking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shiat and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fark, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shiat teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fark, man, there are some shiatty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a farking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a farking zero? So you feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my farking face. fark that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fark me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a farking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass farkwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
fark you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fark with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
 
2006-10-19 05:47:33 PM  
The fark me with a lunchbox is gold.
 
2006-10-19 05:47:53 PM  
Parody. SI or somebody actually contacted this guy and he's never even played Madden and couldn't care less about the ratings. It's a funny article, but it'd be even funnier if it were real.
 
2006-10-19 05:47:56 PM  
Thanks Bride for posting the text. This was posted the other day on another site and was down then. There is an actual column on ESPN where the guy interviews Albright and he laughs off the rating. They did say there were others in the league who check their ratings every year and try getting their rating boosted based on what they did in the off-season.
 
2006-10-19 05:47:58 PM  
This was the funniest thing I read. Last week.

/I'll get my coat
 
2006-10-19 05:48:07 PM  
"If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut. "

Awesomeness
 
2006-10-19 05:48:28 PM  
"I should consider a walk through my living room where I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. "

literally made me laugh out loud, what a great artictle.
 
2006-10-19 05:48:49 PM  
I always think of John Madden when I go to the airport. He's a successful guy who is on TV so everyone loves him, but at the same time, he's an open, flamboyant, proud crazy person who won't fly on a plane.

Crazy is crazy folks.
I would not let Madden babysit my kids.
 
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