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(Some Guy)   Tip the Pizza Guy: Hilarious and true stories from pizza dudes (and some chicks)   (tipthepizzaguy.com) divider line 193
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46507 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Oct 2006 at 12:22 PM (7 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2006-10-06 04:08:11 AM
I just read story 164 and all I can say is....


WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!
 
2006-10-06 04:13:26 AM
"The guy walked into his kitchen and disappeared from view. As I looked around, I met eyes with a dude that was TOTALLY emancipated."

I don't think that's the word he wanted to use.
 
2006-10-06 04:16:08 AM
Bort_Flancrest: WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?



No way thats true
 
2006-10-06 04:23:00 AM
One time, I killed a pizza guy and we put slices of his pancreas on the pizza. It tasted like peanuts.

/true story, swear to god!
 
2006-10-06 04:42:20 AM
I don't beleive the first one. At least, I hope it's not real.

But a cool link nonetheless. Well done, submitter
 
2006-10-06 05:00:42 AM
Man, reminds me of my pizza driver days...
 
2006-10-06 06:14:43 AM
This is like Penthouse Forum for pizza delivery guys.

I'd wager about .1% are true.
 
2006-10-06 10:34:55 AM
bobbooty: I'd wager about .1% are true.

Eh, maybe half, I think.

Sure, "everything's fake on the internet" and all that...but I can believe some of these stories fairly easily.
 
2006-10-06 10:56:54 AM
CtrlAltDelete: TOTALLY emancipated

I came in here to post that. Totally, totally emancipated.
 
2006-10-06 11:00:43 AM
I'll share a story from my pizza delivery days.

Papa John's had just entered the world of online ordering.

If you order online, you can put comments on the order form that will be displayed on the label.

Well, I was getting ready to deliver a pizza, and I read the comments box. It said, "Please make sure driver wears pants."

I called everyone over to look at it, and we were all like, "What the fark?"

Well, it was winter time, and I was wearing pants. But, I couldn't leave well enough alone. I figure anyone who would put in a comment like that could take being farked with a little bit.

So, I drive to the house. Before I get out of the car, I start rolling my pants up. I had on a pair of fairly baggy khakis, so I was able to get them very high up. Think Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911. They were high enough up that my boxers were sticking out from under the rolls.

I walk up to the door, freezing my legs off, and ring the bell. A woman, who was 70 if she was a day answered. She looked at me, and got this disgusted look on her face. I begin to think that maybe I got the wrong house. Then, I see a kid, probably 13 or 14, in the living room behind her just laughing away. I realized then who actually ordered the pizza online.

So, I look at her with a straight face and say, "Ma'am, this is the new company uniform. Believe me when I say that I don't like it any more than you do."

I get back to the store, with my pants still rolled up, and tell everyone what happened. We all had a great laugh off of that one.

Delivering pizza is lots of fun (and even more fun if you're single, because you do get more than a few invites to come over after you get off work).
 
2006-10-06 12:09:50 PM
Former Delivery Boy - Favorite Story:

We were a local joint with a great repuatation. We had no guarantee time. We also warned people if it would take extra time.

Order to Holday Inn. Despite warning, customer upset that pizza took 35 minutes. (early by our standards) Refused to pay for pizza, and cited Domino's guarantee to me. (30 minutes or free)

Angry, I walk over to pool (customer's room faced pool in "Holidome" and approach a group of about 10 kids. Tell the kids that this guys pizza was free for them, as long as they do not share it. I then went over to the soda machine, and spent my change money to buy a bunch of drinks. They had scarfed the pizzas down in minutes, during which time customer approaches them and scolds them for eating his food.

When I got back to store, calls were coming from parents at Hotel asking what happened, told them my side, and they ALL placed big orders. (Which took time, but they were warned and all tipped excellent.) They all spoke of how the guy was rude to them and their kids after I left.

Best part: All these customers were in town for big family reunion. And this is how we discovered it:

They all called back later to complement me to the store manager (the owner's little brother). All said they would call us again in the future. Manager responds by personally going down to hotel right then and hand delivering coupons for free stuff to each of these customers. (There were a total of six different families ordering.)

The next night, reunion in full swing, close to a thousand in attendance. During semi-formal dinner, kids are restless and not happy with holiday inn banquet food. These families step up, get a second large room, and call us up for a sudden MASSIVE PIZZA PARTY. We made 60 pizzas for them, sending five every 15 minutes for next three hours. I got called in. (My night off.) Manager's brother/OWNER got called in to help. bunch of us got called in. and when the dust settled, group threw each of us four drivers fifty bucks a piece in tips.

I guess I picked the right kids to give a free pizza to. And I suppose I should thank that cheap a-hole for being one.
 
2006-10-06 12:29:43 PM
ChickenGeorgeVII: I guess I picked the right kids to give a free pizza to. And I suppose I should thank that cheap a-hole for being one.

What comes around goes around....

Sounds like a pretty nifty time.
 
2006-10-06 12:29:45 PM
As I looked around, I met eyes with a dude that was TOTALLY emancipated. It looked like he hadn't eaten in years.

FOOD! You cruel master! You tasty tyrant! Your hold over me has been broken! Now, I alone am the master of my destiny, and I will spend all my money on newspapers and magazines to read in my underwear with my creepy roommate! Did I mention that I am also emancipated from sex?
 
2006-10-06 12:30:27 PM
i delivered for five years, funnest job I ever had. No weird stories though, pizza drivers smoke more weed than anyone on earth, lots of beer for tips.

you don't tip us though, you definitely get put on the shiat list. If i have 6 deliveries 5 other people get there food before you...and your order will be a few breadsticks and chicken wings light.
 
2006-10-06 12:30:31 PM
emancipated, emaciated. Same difference.
 
2006-10-06 12:31:15 PM
weird, I just had pizza
 
2006-10-06 12:32:02 PM
1993, Springboro Ohio, Domino's.

Delivering to the owner of the franchise Halloween costume party. The pizza was free, and the very nice 30-something hostess wanted to make sure I was tipped well. I ended up taking over 60 pizzas out there that night... 5 runs.

Blown 4 times that night, same closet, every run but the last one.

Still no clue who she was, but apparently it was a "family member".

/Left soon afer
//10 years of pizza driving/managing.
///I could sit here and tell [true] stories all day.
 
2006-10-06 12:32:22 PM
After the first guy paid me, another one pulled out a sandwich bag filled with tan colored nut looking things wanting to know if I needed anything

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I feel sorry for delivery guys after reading some of these. I always try to tip them pretty big, because I figure if I'm too lazy to go get food then the least I can do is handsomely reward the guy/girl who brought it to me.
 
2006-10-06 12:33:28 PM
SchlingFo, you made my day
 
2006-10-06 12:36:07 PM
Read #16 Small child hugs driver

"I Lub you pizza man!"
 
2006-10-06 12:38:37 PM
CtrlAltDelete I don't think that's the word he wanted to use.

Read a bit further:

"The skinny dude that stood in the doorway watching me was actually one of the women who had escaped her chamber in the attic."

Maybe it was the word he wanted to use...
 
2006-10-06 12:38:44 PM
The Deliverator is not impressed with your tales.
 
2006-10-06 12:39:26 PM
Also, thanks to submitter for submitting this. Good stuff.
 
2006-10-06 12:39:55 PM
people who don't tip food delivery drivers are asshats. I know from experience if you tip well your stuff comes quickly next time and still fresh and hot.
/had a guy stiff a driver once at someone elses place, homeowner ran out to tip the guy then punched the AH for stiffing the guy
//even if there is a "delivery charge" the driver rarely sees any of that
 
2006-10-06 12:40:07 PM
165 - I delievered a pizza and this dude asked me to wear a funny looking necklace. Turned out the joke was on me. It was an explosives filled necklace. Wow, those cops sure were surprised. I lost my head.
 
2006-10-06 12:40:22 PM
BizarroHulk: The Deliverator is not impressed with your tales.

Heheheheh.

And to think, Snow crash wasn't the first thing I thought of here.

Despite having made a reference to it elsewhere today.

I should probably read it again.
 
2006-10-06 12:41:19 PM
Last move I made was to a town where I knew no one. I had some friends but none smoked weed so I needed to find myself a connection. I had been a courier as well as a pizza driver so I got a job working inside a local, close pizza joint. Found a pot dealing driver in about a week and promptly quit.
 
2006-10-06 12:42:04 PM
NYRBill: people who don't tip food delivery drivers are asshats. I know from experience if you tip well your stuff comes quickly next time and still fresh and hot.

It's even better to get a reputation. Works for non-delivery places, too...nowadays, all I have to do is walk in to the coffee place I frequent and they're already getting my large red-eye ready.

Which is convenient, because I was practically undead when I got there this morning. "Ugggnnnnnnn...." "Here you go, sir." "Ugggnnnnnnnn....." "Thank you! See you tomorrow!"
 
2006-10-06 12:42:15 PM
This would have been great...if it hadn't been submitted last December.
 
2006-10-06 12:42:40 PM
That first one is so stupid I can't read any more. "Believe it if you want, but it's true."

WTF? Believe it if I want, but it's true???
 
2006-10-06 12:42:52 PM
JuicePats: This would have been great...if it hadn't been submitted last December.

New material.
 
2006-10-06 12:42:52 PM
The one that caught my eye:

Katrina victim uses Red Cross debit card, scams half off, and doesn't tip.

Don't know about the others but that one at least is genuine.
 
2006-10-06 12:42:56 PM
NYRBill: even if there is a "delivery charge" the driver rarely sees any of that

at my old place if it was $1.50 or below no, we didnt see dick of that, some places were really far away so we got $3

some farkin redneck hick twats still had the nerve to complain out it, not like i'm driving 15 minutes to your back woods farkin shack for one damn hoagie or anything you fat twat
 
2006-10-06 12:43:09 PM
Shadow Blasko: Still no clue who she was, but apparently it was a "family member".

Are you sure it was actually a woman???
 
2006-10-06 12:43:26 PM
I use to go to college where story 161 took place. That was meth, trust me. That is located around the same area that Deliverance was filmed. very scary people around there.
 
2006-10-06 12:43:43 PM
The Deliverator belongs to an elite order, a hallowed sub-category. He's got esprit up to here. Right now he is preparing to carry out his third mission of the night. His uniform is black as activated charcoal, filtering the very light out of the air. A bullet will bounce off its arachno-fiber weave like a wren hitting a patio door, but excess perspiration wafts through it like a breeze through a freshly napalmed forest. Where his body has bony extremities, the suit has sintered armorgel: feels like gritty jello, protects like a stack of telephone books.

When they gave him the job, they gave him a gun. The Deliverator never deals in cash, but someone might come after him anyway--might want his car, or his cargo. The gun is a tiny, aero-styled, lightweight, the kind of a gun a fashion designer would carry; it fires teensy darts that fly at five times the velocity of an SR-71 spy plane, and when you get done using it, you have to plug it in to the cigarette lighter, because it runs on electricity.

The Deliverator never pulled that gun in anger, or in fear. He pulled it once in Gila Highlands. Some punks in Gila Highlands, a fancy Burbclave, wanted themselves a delivery, and they didn't want to pay for it. Thought they would impress the Deliverator with a baseball bat. The Deliverator took out his gun, centered its laser doo-hickey on that poised Louisville Slugger, fired it. The recoil was immense, as though the weapon had blown up in his hand. The middle third of the baseball bat turned into a column of burning sawdust accelerating in all directions like a bursting star. Punk ended up holding this bat handle with milky smoke pouring out the end. Stupid look on his face. Didn't get nothing but trouble from the Deliverator.

Since then the Deliverator has kept the gun in the glove compartment and relied, instead, on a matched set of samurai swords, which have always been his weapon of choice anyhow. The punks in Gila Highlands weren't afraid of the gun, so the Deliverator was forced to use it. But swords need no demonstration.

The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike a bimbo box or a Burb beater, the Deliverator's car unloads that power through gaping, gleaming, polished sphincters. When the Deliverator puts the hammer down, shiat happens. You want to talk contact patches? Your car's tires have tiny contact patches, talk to the asphalt in four places the size of your tongue. The Deliverator's car has big sticky tires with contact patches the size of a fat lady's thighs. The Deliverator is in touch with the road, starts like a bad day, stops on a peseta.

Why is the Deliverator so equipped? Because people rely on him. He is a roll model. This is America. People do whatever the fark they feel like doing, you got a problem with that? Because they have a right to. And because they have guns and no one can farking stop them. As a result, this country has one of the worst economies in the world. When it gets down to it--we're talking trade balances here--once we've brain-drained all our technology into other countries, once things have evened out, they're making cars in Bolivia and microwaves in Tadzhikistan and selling them here--once our edge in natural resources has been made irrelevant by giant Hong Kong ships and dirigibles that can ship North Dakota all the way to New Zealand for a nickel--once the Invisible Hand has taken all those historical inequities and smeared them out into a broad global layer of what a Pakistani bricklayer would consider to be prosperity--y'know what? There's only four things we do better than anyone else

music
movies
microcode (software)
high-speed pizza delivery
 
2006-10-06 12:44:24 PM
True stories or not, Rule #1 for me if I was delivering pizzas, DO NOT ENTER THE HOUSE.

I don't care if it's hurricane Iggy outside.
 
2006-10-06 12:44:26 PM
I delivered for Pero's (North Ave) in Atlanta while in school and the drivers would fight each other over the deliveries to the Cheetah or any of the other strip clubs. Deliveries were made to the "Dressing room" where the girls were generally buck naked and tipped VERY well.

Once I delivered 4 pies to the "Purple Onion" a strip club of color on Memorial Drive and it was like a scene out of a movie. When I walked in the door everything stopped and all the attention was on the white guy with the pizzas. Luckily the girls called off the dogs and tipped almost as much as the order.
 
2006-10-06 12:44:26 PM
JuicePats: .if it hadn't been submitted last December.

well holy christ good thing everyone on fark got a chance to see it back then therefore making the link irrelavant.

silly us.
 
2006-10-06 12:44:34 PM
Shadow Blasko: Blown 4 times that night, same closet, every run but the last one.

Chick? Holloween costume party?

five bucks says it was a dude in drag...
 
2006-10-06 12:46:06 PM
emaciated, and then emancipated.
 
2006-10-06 12:46:33 PM
Former Delivery Guy too: No great stories. There was one regular who never answered the door fully clothed. She'd be in a nightgown, robe, bra and panites, towel, and many combinations thereof. Too bad she was about 55.
 
2006-10-06 12:46:37 PM
Blown 4 times in 1 night??? I'd call Shenanigoats, but I don't want to be pistol whipped.

/mmmmmmmm.... pistol whip
www.comic-mint.com
 
2006-10-06 12:48:14 PM
#159

Dear Tipthepizzaguy.com,

I never thought this could happen to me...
 
2006-10-06 12:48:20 PM
Is this the thread that degenerates into a tipping flamewar?

If so, could we move things along please?
 
2006-10-06 12:48:35 PM
This is a place that is trying to give false hope to pizza guys everywhere. I bet 5 of those are based on true events and only 1 or 2 are told exactly how they happened, and a few others are just rehashed urban legends that happened to a friend of a friend.


/good site though
//bookmarked!
 
2006-10-06 12:49:42 PM
BloodyFinger,

SchlingFo, you made my day

No problem, dude. It made my day as well, so it's only fair :)
 
2006-10-06 12:51:18 PM
Last move I made was to a town where I knew no one. I had some friends but none smoked weed so I needed to find myself a connection. I had been a courier as well as a pizza driver so I got a job working inside a local, close pizza joint. Found a pot dealing driver in about a week and promptly quit.

Hehehh... smart man. If that doesn't work, go get a night job at a hotel (preferably a RESORT hotel). You'll have connections AND a new girlfriend AND a mistress before the first night ends.
 
2006-10-06 12:51:56 PM
So what is a good "monetary" tip for delivery drivers? I usually tip about $3 for $25 worth of pizza...(more if the guy is really attractive).
 
2006-10-06 12:52:01 PM
Tom-Servo: Are you sure it was actually a woman???


Extremely sure.

Or that was the best surgery (not on the breasts) I have ever seen.
 
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