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(The Onion)   The ten most pretentious instruments   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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32903 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Sep 2006 at 2:32 PM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

207 Comments     (+0 »)

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2006-09-16 11:59:10 AM  
OK, so the ubiquitous mandolin during the 90s didn't make this list but the keytar (no matter how correctly played) did. Author can eat a bowl of dicks.
2006-09-16 12:15:28 PM  
I would have to add the dulcimer to the list. I own one, but never in my life have I met people as annoying as "hardcore" dulcimer players.
2006-09-16 12:37:07 PM  
Where's "any drum set owned by a brooding, long-haired 15-25 year old"?
2006-09-16 01:41:30 PM  
The electric guitar entry is priceless.
2006-09-16 02:33:49 PM  
Chapman Stick? I got your chapman stick right here, pal.
2006-09-16 02:35:01 PM  
(begin sarcasm)
ROFLMAOPMP!!1! That was the funniest goddamn thing I've ever read in my whole life!

/wipes tear from eye
(end sarcasm)
2006-09-16 02:36:22 PM  
Electric drum set
2006-09-16 02:38:43 PM  
I am only going to say this once: This list Needs More Cowbell!
2006-09-16 02:39:22 PM  
#12 Lars Ulrich
2006-09-16 02:39:54 PM  
Bagpipe FEVER!!!
2006-09-16 02:40:30 PM  
#12 styleaphone

#13 theremin

#14 Atari 2600
2006-09-16 02:42:31 PM  
As someone who works very hard at being utterly pretentious, I find some of these responses amusing.
2006-09-16 02:42:31 PM  
guitar should be tops, i dont know what that other crap is doing there
2006-09-16 02:42:55 PM  
#15 Sitar
2006-09-16 02:43:01 PM  
The keytar is pretty obnoxious in the wrong hands. I'm sorry that you're Slash stuck in a Liberace world but what's done is done. Back of the stage.

The flute guy is BAD-ASS.
2006-09-16 02:43:05 PM  
Bagpipes can be described as a lot of things, but pretentious? I think the author is using "pretentious" here as a synonym for "I don't like", which is quite pretentious.

I think "Brutal" is the word he is looking for.
2006-09-16 02:44:39 PM  
#15 PETA
#16 (Sh)Amnesty International
#17 Air America
#18 DNC
2006-09-16 02:44:48 PM  
Tori Amos gets a piano exemption, though.
2006-09-16 02:45:03 PM  
No Synthaxe Drumitar?

Sorry Futureman, I love it all the same :(
2006-09-16 02:46:20 PM  
#11 Soprano sax
2006-09-16 02:46:31 PM  
Oh my God.
2006-09-16 02:46:44 PM  
2006-09-16 02:49:10 PM  
JQPublic: #15 PETA
#16 (Sh)Amnesty International
#17 Air America
#18 DNC

I get it. They're all instruments of the Zionist One World Order that is aiming to overthrow the white man's power and subjugate his women. You white power people are getting crafty with your hidden messages.

You're not the "JQ Public" who does those racialist cartoons on, are you? Because man, you need to get some drawing lessons.
2006-09-16 02:49:32 PM  
What does the Onion have to do with this? Just asking...
2006-09-16 02:50:23 PM  
Hey, Aqualung!
2006-09-16 02:50:25 PM  
Saxamaphone? Violamin?
2006-09-16 02:50:32 PM  
jake_lex: Oh my God.

You know you want him.
2006-09-16 02:50:33 PM

aka JP Jones
2006-09-16 02:50:36 PM  
reggiemiller: "#11 Soprano sax"

Yeah, where's farkin' Kenny G, and his farkin' pretentious soprano sax?
2006-09-16 02:52:08 PM  
filter The A.V. Club is part of the Onion.
2006-09-16 02:54:37 PM  
i'm surprised kenny g.'s soprano sax wasn't on the list, talk about pretentious.
2006-09-16 02:55:18 PM  
albuquerquehalsey: #13 theremin

Uncalled for. Theremin rocks all kinds of socks off of you and your mother. Not even remotely used enough outside of sci-fi movies, and takes real skill to play well.
2006-09-16 02:55:52 PM  

You're not the "JQ Public" who does those racialist cartoons on, are you? Because man, you need to get some drawing lessons.

No. No relation to "JQ Public"at I have no reason to attend as it is a racist website. Wonder why you would?
2006-09-16 02:56:53 PM  
Anyone who has ever gone to college knows that the correct answer is:

Acoustic Guitar
2006-09-16 02:59:40 PM  
What?! Pan-Flute??

2006-09-16 03:00:20 PM  
What's the next list? Most pretentious musical genres? Most pretentious foriegn films?

There is no such thing as pretentious art, only pretentious art critics.
2006-09-16 03:00:29 PM  
Of course, it doesn't get more pretentious than this:
2006-09-16 03:01:24 PM  

Isn't he, though?

//years ago...
///Sooo understands that "Yeah, you wanna make somethin' of it?" pose...
////Band geek pecking order is a sad, sad thing...
2006-09-16 03:05:09 PM  

/I see the way those fancy piccolo players look at me.
//You think you're better than me don't you ?
2006-09-16 03:05:51 PM  
#0 Shakey Egg
/If you play Irish Music you know what I mean
//Never, ever, ever, screw with the Piper
2006-09-16 03:06:31 PM  
What about circuit bent instruments, a la half the crap on stage whenever Radiohead plays?
2006-09-16 03:07:45 PM  
What's bigger? A violin or a viola? They're the same size- a violinist's head is just bigger.

//Plays violin and theremin.
//our good stuff isn't on the site
//because our bassist is an asshat about
//giving away music
2006-09-16 03:08:24 PM  
who needs an "artistic" reason to play music. music and art are abstract-trying to define it is asinine. writer probably never played a note in his life.
2006-09-16 03:08:33 PM  
I'm going to have to take exception with number 1. My dad played the Eaton-Moog adn said it's not so bad. Also my dad is friends with John Eaton and I've met him many times. So yeah, I just can't go for that.

The Chapman Stick? I'm with them on that.

But seriously, the flute? WTF? No. Ditto bagpipes wich are near and dear to me since they originated in central Europe, where I was born.

Also the keytar? Well seeing as Jan Hammer had a synth on a guitar strap way back when, it's hard to go that way. Sure his synth isn't the Keytar but sitll, the concept is there. Then again what other keyboard player is as good as Hammer?

/that's a dad thing too, dad has been a fan of Hammer since both were 16
2006-09-16 03:08:50 PM  
Just because it's farking impossible to tell what is going on with the Pikasso Guitar by looking at the photo in TFA...
2006-09-16 03:08:52 PM  
I for one like masturbatory electric guitar solos. I got a down tuned harmonic minor diminished 7th riff that will kick you in the balls and eat out your girlfriend. Rock!
2006-09-16 03:10:19 PM  
albuquerquehalsey: #13 theremin

that should be higher than 13. I totally expected to find theramin on this list, and pretty near the top. i hate those things.
2006-09-16 03:10:36 PM  
I find most of the time when people use "pretentious", they means "I don't understand what these guys are doing". Part of what makes supposedly pretentious music good is that it's not straightforward. It's not Huey Lewis, it's not John Cougar Mellencamp, it's not NickelCreedFault.

Jon Anderson of Yes, who wrote most of their pretentious lyrics, knows that they don't make semantic sense. That's the point. He said it was more about how the words worked with the music to produce an emotional effect. Jethro Tull's Thick as a Brick was intended to be pretentious; it was done as a response to the critic's assumption that Aqualung had been a concept album when it was really just two themed song cycles. They went ahead with the most over the top sort of concept album they could imagine.

These guys knew what they were doing, and didn't just randomly write stuff down thinking it was deep. Anyone who thinks otherwise clearly doesn't understand the prog rock genre.

Except for King Crimson. They just sucked.
2006-09-16 03:11:22 PM  
So he doesn't like prog-rock. I think he needed a few more entries to tell us that, it wasn't clear enough.

Two he missed, mostly because King Crimson and Yes didn't use them all the time:

- The Human Voice. From fake English accents in punk music to Scott Stapp making "open" a four-syllable word to bad fasletto in Radiohead and Sigur Ros, it's a type of pretention for the common man. There's little as painful as a person who has a decent voice and demands people know it.

- Violin. When they show up in rock music, you'd better stop looking at the song as rock and think of it as art. The string section demands this happen, even if it's just a Poison or Green Day ballad.
2006-09-16 03:12:27 PM  
fernandez: #11
Electric drum set

Oh come on, the hexagonal Simmons drums of the 80s ruled. They were sweet. Hell if I came across a set today I'd be tempted to get them. Even if it has been ages since I've played drums.

reggiemiller: #11 Soprano sax

only in the hands of Kenny G, who makes it sound like a dieing duck.

You all realize his tone is not exactly representative of tradtional soprano sax tone right? Right?
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