For some reason, I think Jack Handey would be pleased by this headline.

Good one, smitty.

I'm masticating right now.

This is true.
Try it.

Didnt even need to read the article...thanks for the first Fark chuckle of the day

The Joy of Mastication

IdBeCrazyIf

Really you wanna avoid chewing. I've been told it can be a bear to floss out of your teeth.

Only fine-cut.

The part about swallowing will be covered by Professor A-Rod.

Oh, smitty, you clever bastard.

Article fails to mention the most important part - managing to chew with your mouth CLOSED.

Unless you have TMJ...

I imagine I'd be really sad if my doctor told me I have an insufficient sphincter.

Farkie von Farkenstiel: "I imagine I'd be really sad if my doctor told me I have an insufficient sphincter."

We're focusing on chewing and swallowing here.

Anal's for another thread altogether.

What, no C&H yet?

Hubby and wife are are lying in bed when the mood overtakes hubby. So he rolls over and gives the Ol' Lady a little "poke and stroke".

"Oh I'm sorry, darling", she replied, "I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning, I need to stay fresh. Sorry"

Hubby rolled over. Disappointed and unsatisfied he responds;

"You don't have a Dentist's appointment tomorow, do you"?

"...or are dependent on the "little purple pill" (Prilosec) and antacids, chewing can make all the difference."

Last time I checked, the purple pill is Nexium, not Prilosec. But what do I know, I've only been taking it for 3 years... Solid journalism FTW!

IdBeCrazyIf: "I need to get my once a week requirement per yesterday's thread"

Are you hitting on me, or making an offer?

/not thrilled about either option

Was it written by

"but sweetheart, it's got lots of protein."

danlpoon reminded me of an equally unrelated joke:

Husband and wife (who are both deaf) are trying to figure out how to let the other know if they want to have sex once the lights are out. Wife says (signs?), "I know, if DO you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple once. If you DON'T want to have sex, pinch my left nipple twice.

Husband thinks about, and says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you DON'T want to have sex, pull my penis 76 times."

Tomorrow's column sounds like an educational film hosted by Troy McClure.

I say that subby swallows...

OK, BarkingPumpkin. Wake me up when it's time for the anal thread.

I don't need that second article. I already swallow like a champ.

Wake me up when it's time for the anal thread.

Me too. And MILF threads. I like MILF threads.

BarkingPumpkin: Are you hitting on me, or making an offer?

/not thrilled about either option


Brilliant. I L0Led :)

"Teeth are little white things located in your mouth that help break down food you eat and send them to the stomach. More on 'food' tomorrow".

"Teeth are little white Green or yellow things located in your mouth.

Edited for publication in the southern papers.

LudditeAndroid: I already swallow like a champ


Please to be putting a picture in your profile. Unless you are a dude.

From one of my favorite Letterman Top Ten lists (from a loooong time ago):

Top Ten Courses for Athletes at SMU
-----------------------------------------------------------------
10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal
9. The First 30 Pages of "A Tale of Two Cities": Foundation of a Classic
8. Sandwich-making (final project required)
7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Resturants, and Car Dealerships: The Interlocking Economy
6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States
5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries
4. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop
3. Draw Winky
2. From "First Love" to "Looker": The Films in Which Susan Dey Appears Naked
1. The Poetry of Hank Stram

I hear it can sometimes be difficult to wake someone up for a little action, Farkie...I'll try, though.

You've already got the MILF thing covered, danlpoon. That picture is one of the greatest images ever put to film.

Punkin, Damn! You almost made oatmeal come out of my nose. Ouch!

That's sorta what I was hinting at, IdBeCrazyIf

Still not thrilled...

My apologies, Farkie!

I didn't RTFA, but my grandmother used to admonish me to "Fletcherize" my food--something about chewing every bite 25 times before swallowing.

Seemed like a pile of crap to me.

I think we've hit sub-Romero reporting.

My snake doesn't need to chew its food and neither do I.

I don't usually CHEW the tobacco, I just kind of push it down between my lip and gums.
//Gotta switch to skoal, this copenhagen shiat will eat your face.

Andy Rooney, what will you think of next?

/didn't RTFA

George W. Bush's mom should cut this article out and paste it on the pantry where they store the pretzels.

joewhite

ah, the glory days of 'Late Night'

Sounds like an MST short. Who's got the popcorn?