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(Yahoo)   Crematorium furnaces are getting too small for some fatass corpses, requiring larger ones to be installed. No word on why don't they just chop the corpse up before inserting it. Who would know?   (uk.news.yahoo.com) divider line 109
    More: Stupid  
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3822 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2006 at 4:16 PM (8 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2006-06-19 03:33:31 PM  
That's a lot of extra labor.

And it's messy work.

You could always run them through a large band saw, I guess.
 
2006-06-19 03:33:59 PM  
I've wondered that myself, subby. But, there'd prolly be some outcry from the family about desecrating the body - that's about to be burned to ashes.
 
2006-06-19 03:35:53 PM  
See? Dahmer wasn't ALL bad... he was thinking ahead!

/hellbound
 
2006-06-19 03:36:30 PM  
AdrienVeidt

Not to mention the leftover bones that didn't burn being crushed into powder.
 
Byn
2006-06-19 03:36:47 PM  
Step one: Drain out the tasty body juices
Step two: roll up flat body and stuff into hot fiery action
Step three: Profit!
 
2006-06-19 03:38:42 PM  
Yeah but who the hell would you hire for that job? Anyone who would apply for Professional Dismemberer is nobody I would want to hire.
 
2006-06-19 03:40:40 PM  
SuperSally
Illegal immigrants?
I honestly wonder if people would be upset if one took THAT job.
 
2006-06-19 03:40:46 PM  
That would make for a great Ginsu® knife commercial.
 
2006-06-19 03:40:50 PM  
Calling all out of work butchers...
 
2006-06-19 03:42:43 PM  
You'd think they would have at least one really big oven for oversize people, siamese twins, people with body parts stuck in akward positions, etc.

/Okay, so that wasn't funny.
//But thanks to whoever sponsored me!
 
2006-06-19 03:48:35 PM  
old repeat i believe.
 
2006-06-19 03:49:02 PM  
SuperSally: Yeah but who the hell would you hire for that job? Anyone who would apply for Professional Dismemberer is nobody I would want to hire.

Prisons are overcrowded these days. Why not hire some professionals?

/probably a good stress reliever too...
 
2006-06-19 03:49:51 PM  
Fireproof

You're wrong, that was pretty funny.
 
2006-06-19 03:50:03 PM  
So what did they do with fat people before? I seem to rember that the Germans had large furnaces that could acomadate several people at once.


/So sorry, I need to go and pack my bags.
 
2006-06-19 03:51:39 PM  
Just one more reason why people should be allowed to cremate like the Vikings did.

/When I go, hold a wake.
//If nobody ends up hospitalized or worse from alcohol poisoning, then hold another one.
 
2006-06-19 03:51:48 PM  
You're on the right track submitter, but I'd suggest the Ouday Hussein Signature Shredder as the pre-processor.
 
2006-06-19 03:52:25 PM  
"we've got an eater!"
 
2006-06-19 03:52:48 PM  
...and some furnaces are so big you can fit 2 people in them

http://www.news8austin.com/content/your_news/default.asp?ArID=163702

/sits back to watch baby_hewey get slapped - yikes
 
2006-06-19 03:54:30 PM  
1. Let people die
2. Invent an inexpensive, resizable, gradual feed crema-majig.
3. Profit!

/starts researching on wikipedia
 
2006-06-19 03:54:34 PM  
www.hearsay.cc

Unavailable for comment.
 
2006-06-19 04:03:27 PM  
If you think about it there are other benefits to this.

Chopping them up where they died would make it easier to transport their hideously large asses to the crematoriums...
 
2006-06-19 04:13:03 PM  
They should just do post-mortem liposuction. Leave a thinner, healthier looking corpse for the last time the family sees their loved one before he/she gets cremated.
 
2006-06-19 04:17:59 PM  
duh!
i5.tinypic.com
 
2006-06-19 04:18:28 PM  
Nice visual submitter. Thank god I've already eaten lunch. I'm not going to be hungry for hours now...
 
2006-06-19 04:18:58 PM  
See that Europe??? We aren't the only supersize people..

//Hoping that the fact that the article was on Yahoo UK&Ireland means the article is actual for the UK or Ireland...
///Else I would look dumb
////my first slashies
 
2006-06-19 04:19:11 PM  
Two words...Soylent Green.
 
2006-06-19 04:20:38 PM  
SuperSally: Anyone who would apply for Professional Dismemberer is nobody I would want to hire.

I'd show up to work every day in a 'Leatherface' costume. Maybe mix it up once and a while and come in dressed as Ash from Evil Dead.
 
2006-06-19 04:20:39 PM  
"Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it."
 
2006-06-19 04:22:59 PM  
This is a specific example of a larger (heh) problem: fat people do not fit into small openings.

This happens with the MRI machine at the local hospital. The only place in town with a larger unit is the zoo.
 
2006-06-19 04:23:55 PM  
i hear fat people go well with fava beans & a nice chianti

/it rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!
 
2006-06-19 04:25:13 PM  
It would be very messy.

Interestingly enough, that's pretty much exactly what they do to a body when it's donated to science (not always though). People are pretty much as good as their parts. They will send the spine to someone who is researching spines, the heart to someone who is researching hearts, the brain to someone... you get the idea.

It's all very useful for research though. More people should donate their bodies, I know I will be.

/used to do cadaver research
//just the spines
//it's true that you get hungry when you're cutting up dead people
 
2006-06-19 04:28:06 PM  
I've always believed that ALL dead people should be chopped up and cremated. The more we do of that, the less zombies we will have to fight when Halleys comet returns.
 
2006-06-19 04:28:37 PM  
I would deep fry them.
 
2006-06-19 04:30:47 PM  
i suggested that very same arrangement when the news story broke about the fat british lady denied cremation at the crematorium she requested as a dying wish.

chop the whale up, they get an urn of ashes it's not like they'll be able to tell!

/thanks smitty
 
2006-06-19 04:31:18 PM  
Marcus Aurelius: You could always run them through a large band saw, I guess.


Or a wood chipper.
 
2006-06-19 04:32:13 PM  
Nevermind. KyngNothing beat me to it with a pic.
 
2006-06-19 04:32:15 PM  
Grease the sides of the door and paint an image of a twinkie on the other side. That oughtta do it ...
 
2006-06-19 04:32:18 PM  
Or a meat grinder...
 
2006-06-19 04:32:47 PM  
KyngNothing, Damn you where did you find that? I was looking everywhere!

/disapointed in google.
 
2006-06-19 04:33:33 PM  
Byn: Step one: Drain out the tasty body juices


Slurm!
 
2006-06-19 04:33:37 PM  
You could always just skip the furnance and toss than in a lake.
 
Bek
2006-06-19 04:34:21 PM  
If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle crackle crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick- and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend were hers.

/couldn't find a good pic
 
2006-06-19 04:35:01 PM  
You just have to remember to sandbag around the insides of the retort so that when all that extra fat liquefies it doesn't run out all over the floor of the crematory. Sucks to clean that up.
 
2006-06-19 04:35:07 PM  
Why not just freeze dry them/put 'em in a giant dehydrator?
 
2006-06-19 04:35:20 PM  
Fireproof:

...people with body parts stuck in akward positions, etc...

That was friggin funny!

Thanks!
-sap
 
2006-06-19 04:36:24 PM  
Kora: You just have to remember to sandbag around the insides of the retort so that when all that extra fat liquefies it doesn't run out all over the floor of the crematory. Sucks to clean that up.

Do you get grease fires with that?

Maybe have a mister to prevent flare ups...I mean char is flavor but you don't want a burned brick.
 
2006-06-19 04:39:20 PM  
If they carved up the corpses first, then you know that eventually somebody's family would find out, get pissed, file a lawsuit -- and win.
 
2006-06-19 04:40:19 PM  
...or make sausages out of 'em and bury the box? It'd make for an excellent WTF moment for future archaeologists.
 
2006-06-19 04:40:45 PM  
die in a fire?????
 
2006-06-19 04:44:21 PM  
GameVoid

I've always believed that ALL dead people should be chopped up and cremated. The more we do of that, the less zombies we will have to fight when Halleys comet returns.

Yes.... Braaaaaaaaaains
 
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