Dear Boomers,

I didn't think you chuckleheads could stoop any lower. Please stop exceeding my expectations on exactly how self centered the lot of you are.

Signed,
The people who are following after you in the pipeline.

And who, at the rate you guys are going, will be disposing of your corpses in massive burn pits.

xalres

Anyone ever see that episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshiat about the death industry? abso-farking-lutely sickening what these shysters do to grieving families.

Was thinking the same thing. On a related note, I love that show. I honestly never thought Penn and Teller could be such a font of information. Their skill at making stupid people look stupid is unrivaled.

My old man wants to be wrapped up in a hefty bag and put out on the curb with the dumpster on garbage day.

/would grant his wish if it weren't illegal
//cremation, cuz most folks figure we'll burn anyways ;)#

I don't want a Vikings funeral.
I want a Pacers or Colts funeral, where for months and months there's a buildup about how nice it will be, how i have the talent to host the best funeral in the nation... and then, when everyone gets there, they'll find my corpse in a pine box with bugs eating me.

/nuthin'
//back to the roethlisberger thread

Cremate me and spread my ashes along I-76. Preferably with the windows rolled down at 80Mph.

"When I die I don't want no coffin,
"I've thought about it all too often,
Just strap me in behind the wheel
And bury me with my automobile."

/obscure?

Does anyone actually understand what the word obscure means? Seems like every other time this crap is used, it's for a Simpsons quote. Or a classic movie, like The Breakfast Club or Vacation, or a bestselling book by a bestselling author like Steven King. And now a somg from a Hall of Fame singer and songwriter with a bunch of grammy awards. Obscure would be the opposite of these things.

I'm telling my family to plan a kickass fishing trip, and I'll be the chum

This Viking funeral you all speak of.
Does it include a party boat and a team of footbal players?!

JRHOWARD

Ridiculously expensive is such a subjective term.


I enjoy helping people. I like my job. Do I not deserve to be paid for helping my fellow man.? Is something wrong with me when, what I want out of my job is to hear a family say that I made the arrangements easier to go through? But then again we are treated the same way teachers are, do what you love and enjoy the breadcrumbs.

$6000.00 of a $250,000 life insurance policy is not really that much to pay.

The cremation rate is going up and it is cheaper, and I have no problem following the wishes of the families that wish to go that route. However, I have little sympathy for those that think it should be done for cheaper than an airline flight. (We use lots of gas, too.)

If our firm treated people like the trash many are speaking of here, we would be out of business and likely on trial for derelection of responsiblity.

Could it be that the market allows these prices, it's very different when it's your own. Funeral Homes do well, and should be able to cover their overhead charges.

From the NFDA - median funeral home owner/upper management salary is $60,000, median funeral director $41,719.00, so so so greedy.

Please support locally owned and operated facilities, they generally have lower costs and provide better service.

Why are funerals so expensive?

When compared to other major life cycle events, like births and weddings, funerals are not expensive. A wedding costs at least three times as much; but because it is a happy event, wedding costs are rarely criticized.

A funeral home is a 24-hour, labor-intensive business, with extensive facilities (viewing rooms, chapels, limousines, hearses, etc.), these expenses must be factored into the cost of a funeral.

Moreover, the cost of a funeral includes not only merchandise, like caskets, but the services of a funeral director in making arrangements; filing appropriate forms; dealing with doctors, ministers, florists, newspapers and others; and seeing to all the necessary details.

Contrary to popular belief, funeral homes are largely family-owned with a modest profit margin.

gtv42
I wonder if I can arrange to have little green crackers served at my funeral...

I'm stealing your idea. You owe me a keyboard.

NathanAllan: Your Mother was not only a very strong woman, but also thoughtful. I've often wondered why more people don't do this, and save those left behind the aggravation and the trouble at a time when they are really least able to handle it competently.

Very sorry for your loss.

JTHoward
Does anyone actually understand what the word obscure means? Seems like every other time this crap is used, it's for a Simpsons quote. Or a classic movie, like The Breakfast Club or Vacation, or a bestselling book by a bestselling author like Steven King. And now a somg from a Hall of Fame singer and songwriter with a bunch of grammy awards. Obscure would be the opposite of these things.

Yeah, I know what it means...but just because James Taylor sang it doesn't mean everyone knows it. It's from a 30 year old album that had two hits on it (Handy Man and Your Smiling Face) but unless you OWNED the album and listened to the whole thing, you didn't know this song. If you asked James Taylor self-professed fans to name their top 20 songs of his, this one probably wouldn't be in the mix.

From the "dictionary.com" site, here are the two definitions I would claim as relating to my use of the term obscure for this song

Not readily noticed or seen; inconspicuous: an obscure flaw.

Of undistinguished or humble station or reputation: an obscure poet; an obscure family.

Since this song is NOT instantly or readily identified with this singer (at least never in anyting I have ever read, heard, viewed, etc.) I would say that the use of obscure relates just fine. Go up to a bunch of people on the street, ask them (in this order)
"Who sang the song 'Traffic Jam'?
then when none of 'em know, ask 'em
"Do you know James Taylor the folk singer?"
they'll say yes if they're older than 30, but how many knew he sang the song!

So, yeah, obscure I think kinda covers it...

Burn me to ashes and when someone pisses you off through my ashes in there face. Wohahahaha!

ItchyAss I see nothing wrong with being bigoted against the poor and uneducated. Being poor and uneducated is something you control yourself. So why should I give a flying fark about them? STFU already.

I'd like my body in the casket to be attatched to strings so someone in the rafters can make me dance around like a marionette.

At least let me be buried by a priest in a New Orleans Catholic cemetery. Above ground. With a jazz accompaniment. And bury me in my hottest dress, with my cutest demibra/panties set and put on 3 inch heels on me.

No stockings, s'il vous plait.

No . . . .

I wanna go into eternity wearing an LSU sweatshirt.

Geaux Tigers!

I enjoy helping people. I like my job. Do I not deserve to be paid for helping my fellow man.? Is something wrong with me when, what I want out of my job is to hear a family say that I made the arrangements easier to go through? But then again we are treated the same way teachers are, do what you love and enjoy the breadcrumbs.

That's great, I love my job too, but you were the one listing all you do for so little pay.

$6000.00 of a $250,000 life insurance policy is not really that much to pay.

Well, that just makes it sound like you're trying to take advantage of people with money to spend. The amount of the policy shouldn't have any bearing on what your services cost. And not everyone has insurance. And $6000 is a lot of money to spend on someone that is gone. If that's what they want, and that's what the family wants, that's fine with me, but don't pretend that there is any need for any of these fancy caskets that people often feel obligated to buy.

The cremation rate is going up and it is cheaper, and I have no problem following the wishes of the families that wish to go that route. However, I have little sympathy for those that think it should be done for cheaper than an airline flight. (We use lots of gas, too.)

It's not a complicated process, of course it should be cheaper than an airline flight. The costs are artificially high for what is actually being done. Whether that's because of the process used, or the people providing the service, or the licenses needed, or whatever, it shouldn't cost much to burn something.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the market, or with you personally, or any funeral home. It's the entire process that we expect people to be buried with a giant marker and a fancy casket that bugs me. But as long as that is the standard, of course people are going to make money off of it, and that's fine, but don't pretend like you're providing some noble service.

So, yeah, obscure I think kinda covers it...

I still disagree, but at least you make a good case. I'm just sick of the whole obscure crap altogether. Maybe if I ever saw it used for anything that I couldn't immeadiately recognize it wouldn't bother me.

I would tend to disagree with you re: the wedding expense analogy, roundblack . When I got married nearly 21 years ago the LAST thing I wanted was some elaborate ultimately pointless ceremony so we went to a local church, hauled the preacher out from his little cubbyhole study, paid him $25.00 for the missionaries fund (so he said) and he did the ceremony with a couple of my future in-laws and hub's best friends as witnesses. My brother and his wife OTOH had a big blow-out wedding that took them twelve , yes, twelve years to pay off. Point is, neither a funeral, a wedding, or a birth should be an excuse to incur a load of debt and/or psychic trauma to any of the participants involved.
/frugality rules!
//believes the funeral industry is the epitome of crass commercialism
///followed closely by the bridal industry
////slashies!

Those Kroner Bastards!!!


/can't figure out how to post a picture of the guys from "six Feet Under"

roundblack

I am glad not to be the lone voice of reason in here.

Every culture and civilization attends to the proper care of their dead. Every culture and civilization ever studied has three things in common relating to death and the disposition of the dead:

Some type of funeral rites, rituals, and ceremonies
A sacred place for the dead
Memorialization of the dead

God forbid duly trained professional businesses taking care of the arrangements. And the funds staying in the U.S., but hey feel free to feel good about you new $2000.00 Chinese TV you bought from wal-mart.

You don't win friends with salad.

JRHoward [TotalFark]I'm just sick of the whole obscure crap altogether. Maybe if I ever saw it used for anything that I couldn't immeadiately recognize it wouldn't bother me.

DOH!

/obsure?

Plasticmojo: God forbid duly trained professional businesses taking care of the arrangements.

That's not the objection.

The objection is the [ perceived or actual ] practice of fleecing the grieving relatives for all they're worth.

/besides, what's wrong with a viking funeral? Takes care of all those points.
//What's more sacred than the ocean?

On Fark, anything from the Simpson's is not obscure, but I'll support the argument that James Taylor would qualify.

/just sayin'

Finally, after all these years, my wife is wrong about something! We've had an "argument" for a couple of years now about this very subject. I've always been of the opinion nobody could ever force you to fork over for funeral expenses for a relative.

Sure, your dearly departed'll get the old cardboard box cremation if you don't, but once they're former relatives they're not really going to care.

/want a Viking-style funeral, m'self

My mother wants us to leave her body on a cross-town bus with a transfer in her hand...

PracticeSmiling writes: Somehow I can't see a problem with this article.

/Hates her father sperm donor
//Would do the same to him if given half a chance

I would love to have a drink with you. We have so much in common.

/Father is scumbag of the First Order
//Would go to his funeral, look in the casket, say "I win!" and leave.

Do I smell BBQ?

::ahem::

The word is "scheister".

/WTF is a shyster?
//someone who is shy?

Oh My God! tThey killed kenny!

/obscure?

The wedding industry, diamond industry and funeral industry are all money generating schemes we could live without. While someone has to deal with the body, the rest is expensive fluff.

Burn me on a pyre, spend the money on booze.

We got married on $300 including the judge, place to have it, two meals and enough booze to have 20-50 people massively hung over the next day.

Anyone that spends an crapload of money on a wedding/funeral/graduation/one-day event is an idiot. Realize that crapload is a relative term. $10K is a crapload for me, but a modest night out for Ted Kennedy.

Still I think if the big problem with the funeral industry is the same with many other protectionist industries. What people are more upset about is NOT the 1000% markup on the casket, but that in many states you are required by law to take it up the rear to get a freaking box from a "licensed" dealer. This is what Friedman means when he talks about government licenses limiting freedom and markets. They are never really about protecting the citizens, but rather about protecting industries. Why do we have prescriptions? So that drug manufactures could market to the smaller group of doctors rather than the masses.

Protectionism, its not just for unions...

eViLpOpTaRt


At least let me be buried by a priest in a New Orleans Catholic cemetery. Above ground. With a jazz accompaniment. And bury me in my hottest dress, with my cutest demibra/panties set and put on 3 inch heels on me.


can i get your number?

roundblack

A wedding costs at least three times as much; but because it is a happy event, wedding costs are rarely criticized.

Only if you do it the "Traditional" way, in a church with a photographer/videographer and a huge, expensive reception in a hall with an open bar. I got married last month and the total cost for everything wedding-related was ~$1500. We had it outdoors in Yosemite and whoever could make it made it. Everyone that did thanked us for the the chance to go to one of the most beautiful places in the world. Afterward we had a miniception at a restaurant in the park and that was it.

There were family members who didn't want us to do it that way but the thing you have to remember with a wedding is: It's YOURS. You and your sig-o's and nobody else's. Same thing goes for a funeral. When I die, I hope those I leave behind will deal with my body in the cheapest way possible, because you know what? It's my death, and I honestly don't farking care what happens to my body.

I personally would hope to be memorialized after my death in a far more noble and altruistic way than being laid out like a wax dummy amidst a sea of flowers that I cannot appreciate, being eulogized in words I can't hear, taken to a plot of earth and laid to "rest" beneath a big slab of stone. I cannot see where cremation or DIY burial or body donation interferes with anyone's cultural or traditional concepts of death.
/give the money to a church, a library, a homeless shelter
//remember me with a good deed or two and not a lot of hooey over silk-lined versus velvet, bronze versus steel, etc, etc

I think the problem here - if there is one - is that death is Big Business. Sure, some people might want an elaborate sendoff, but in my opinion I'm already gone well before that time. I'd rather my friends get together, have dinner and a few drinks, and remember that I was - at times - a pretty cool person.

As to the carcass, grind it up and use it as fertilizer. It's just dead meat, and USDA Grade Z at that. The funeral industry *ought* to offer discount packages where they sell the body as fertilizer, charge $250 for the rental of a hall where those who knew the deceased can go to be together for an evening, and call it square with a small profit.

Instead they capitalize on grief and guilt. Vultures, in several senses of the word.

/Yes, I realize that other people feel differently; more elaborate provisions should be made available for them. Preferably pre-paid by the stiff.
//If some lawyers can be called ambulance chasers, can some undertakers be called hearse chasers?

roundblack: When compared to other major life cycle events, like births and weddings, funerals are not expensive.

That's a great way to look at it. Here's the thing. They're DEAD. They cannot appreciate it no matter how awesome it is. Calling it one of the "life cycles" is just marketing mumbo jumbo that probably works on the bereaved, but we all have our wits here..more or less. Death is not part of life just like being fired is not part of your job.

CanadaHauntsMe

::ahem::

The word is "scheister".

Shyster is prefered. get a dictionary. Read some shakespere.
(Shylock...)

/christ. I've become a grammer nazi.
//shoot me.

Witness to a Tibetan sky burial

/Likes the sentiment
//Still kind of gross

Still I think if the big problem with the funeral industry is the same with many other protectionist industries. What people are more upset about is NOT the 1000% markup on the casket, but that in many states you are required by law to take it up the rear to get a freaking box from a "licensed" dealer.

Yes, exactly.

This sounds like fun...

Show me the money

/obscure?

JHOWARD,

How many cremations have you observed, much less participated in?

When you have a 500lbs person and you have to stand 3-4 hrs in a room with a 1700 degree furnace watching to make sure there is not a grease fire, and adjusting the machine accordingly. All of this, while wearing a white shirt and tie.

Please purchase a crematory($65,000 - $150,000), a building to put it in ($100,000+), staff to operate ($60,000 - $80,000/yr), LIABILITY INSURANCE , and charge people $350.00. They will call you a saint, a poor saint. You won't be able to afford to keep the doors open, much less hire anyone w/o a criminal record.

remember Georgia, New Jersey, New Hampshire, doin it on the cheap gets it done just so.

I love how you can discern my character, I do consider my profession a noble cause. I do not work for the money, sure it's nice to be compensated, but if I were a money hungry zealot, I would have chosen any number of other professions.

We are the 2nd oldest profession out there.

It is not a noble service to have sleepless nights just so families don't have to sit with a rotting corpse watching as it starts to decompose.

I even have to be patient with people like you and tell myself that they aren't always asshats, they're greiving.

I want to go out like Gram Parsons.

Elroyone

This sounds like fun...

Bit my shiny metal ass!!

/obscure?

Of course "bite" would not be obscure...

/slinks off to the world of preview before post....

/WTF is a shyster?

The Internets are a wonderful invention my friend.

Shyster