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(The Sun)   Six simple steps to get a lover, whether you are a guy or girl. "Throw a grapefruit at their head" not among them   ( divider line
    More: PSA  
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28716 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Apr 2006 at 2:01 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

222 Comments     (+0 »)

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2006-04-27 02:40:11 AM  
My take on this

1) Dark Chocolate: If served with a bottle of pinor noir, this could work.

2) Rollercoasters: Uh no. Don't like them myself.

3) Jokes: What if you're just not funny?

4) Eye contact: Just don't stare.

5) Arms by sides: Unless you are inclined to gesturing with your hands while speaking.

6) Soft rock: Oh fark no.
2006-04-27 02:42:15 AM  
I tell chicks I have six months to live, suffer from melancholia and a broken heart ; my wife died on our honeymoon in a freak cake eating contest - I haven't had sex since she died - 5 years ago.

Works every time.
2006-04-27 02:45:16 AM  
Laughing Methamphetamine boosts brain hormones called endorphins, which give you a feelgood factor.
2006-04-27 02:49:05 AM  
I heard of this band called Stained. They sound like soft rock, only softer.
2006-04-27 02:50:15 AM  
Put some Nick Drake on. It'll get you laid.
2006-04-27 02:50:18 AM  
cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest
2006-04-27 02:52:05 AM  
Grapefruit thrown at heads? Raoul Duke wanted for questioning.

2006-04-27 02:52:20 AM  
Well *that* certainly got my hopes up.
2006-04-27 02:57:43 AM  
No soft rock, just put on some Ice-T and channel some pimp game. Works every time.
2006-04-27 03:02:50 AM  
I just lick my eyebrows, that usually does the trick
2006-04-27 03:03:05 AM  
Cocteau Twins.

Trust me on this one.
2006-04-27 03:04:12 AM  
"The scientists reckon the six winning ways could help thousands of lonely Brits hook up with a partner."

Since when do scientists 'reckon'?
2006-04-27 03:12:11 AM  
Step 1: talk to girl
Step 2: ask girl out then hook up with her
Step 3: If step 2 fails, repeat step one until success

I think I lost most farkers at step 1 though
2006-04-27 03:13:41 AM  
Put some Nick Drake on. It'll get you laid.

Well played sir. Hasn't worked for me yet though.

//Goes back to fapping.
2006-04-27 03:14:19 AM  
Confabulat: Slip out the back, Jack.

Looks like no one bit. Time to make a new plan, Stan.

(First thing I thought of when I read the headline, too.)
2006-04-27 03:15:12 AM  
Presumably this is "part 1 of 2" of their 12-step program?
2006-04-27 03:17:32 AM  
I sent her an mp3 of Paranoid Android. She'd never listened to Radiohead before. That pretty much settled it, really.

/and that was four years ago...
2006-04-27 03:20:35 AM  
any damn fool knows your supposed to play NIN, "i want to fark you like an animal" it kinda gets the point across.
2006-04-27 03:20:37 AM  
IdBeCrazyIf: Steve Perry can wink at a girl and make her orgasm

Steeeeeeeeeeeve Perry!
2006-04-27 03:22:44 AM  
Music = John Coltrane.

Farking Armatures.

2006-04-27 03:24:02 AM  
Put some Nick Drake on. It'll get you laid.

explosions in the sky, does the job too
2006-04-27 03:25:28 AM  
It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
2006-04-27 03:28:26 AM  
Godwin: I sent her an mp3 of Paranoid Android. She'd never listened to Radiohead before. That pretty much settled it, really.

/and that was four years ago...

Ha! Good choice dude.

/performed some self-love when I discovered that song
2006-04-27 03:31:37 AM  
It figures that U.S. psychologists would come up with something narrow minded, cynnical and self-centered:

Chocolate? Try explaining exactly how anyone could use that to get a date. He or she may be allergic to it or diabetic. Hell, you can't even give chocolates out for Valentines Day, let alone try to get laid!

Rollercoasters: a bad idea realized once you both are in motion and it is far too late.

Jokes? Really now. What kind of jokes would you tell without offending the other person?

Eye contact: forget it. Try listening to the person and what he or she has to say instead. That goes farther towards demonstrating an interest, especially if that other person might be shy.

Arms at your sides? What the hell for? Like WolfinPHX basically said, what about expressing yourself with non-verbal communication? Non-verbal comminication conveys a very strong message compared to verbal. If you just keep your arms at your sides all the time that just tells the other person "I'M BORING!"

Soft Rock: listen guys, she's already got a "cat" of her own (if you catch my drift) and she doesn't need another one in the form of a "man". Ladies, if soft-rock is playing while you're trying to find a partner, he's going to think you're the old maid who doesn't hardly leave the house and is still stuck someplace 20-30 years in the past.

You know what soft-rock reminds me of are men who become a woman's friend for no other purpose than to try to become their boyfriend later. They're very dishonest and scheming and have all sorts of lines that reek of "niceness" with the level of incredulity and insincerity that will make you puke. The lyrics you get from soft-rock songs sound the same way: phony, reconstituted fluff that just makes you gag.

If you're not sure what kind of music to use to set the mood, go with some jazz-with major exception to "new-age" jazz because its just as bad as soft rock. All other forms at least have some sort of soul and diversity that don't make your date want to heave a huge mess (and hope to use the mess as a means of escaping from you).

I would have figured that the article was a spoof until I saw this part:

Sun doctor Carol Cooper said the routine was an example of scientists thinking of love as a "hormonal reaction you can duplicate by doing the right things". She added: "You must find the other person attractive to begin with."

Hey Doc you're gonna have to do better than that to have someone interested in you! Show some consideration, talk to them and find out their likes and dislikes. Have some consideration for your fellow human beings instead of reducing them to the level of lab rats! Try to see what you have in common and see if you're compatible before you end up trying to rope in someone who, for all you know, could be a psychopath!
2006-04-27 03:32:42 AM  
1. a couple nice lines of coke.
2. get to farkin
2006-04-27 03:35:27 AM  
Stealthdozer: Farking Armatures.

I may be paranoid.

But not an android armature.
2006-04-27 03:39:38 AM  
beer4breakfast: Ha! Good choice dude.

After that I introduced her to Pere Ubu. Which set me back about 6 months, but hey.
2006-04-27 03:39:52 AM  
I wear "OLD SPICE" and poontang just condenses on me.
2006-04-27 03:42:14 AM  
old spice, thats funny. i can only afford that when k-mart has free samples
2006-04-27 03:42:22 AM  
The sadest thing about this article is the simple fact that most scientists are more a sad type than most farkers. I think this is more akin to how to score with a fat and/or ugly chick when you are desperate.

"here have some chocolate, btw would you like me to pop that zit for you?" Now that's HOT!

And yes geekybroad, that type of music does work well with 20 year olds and I'm 33 ;) :P
2006-04-27 03:53:29 AM  
bbcrackmonkey: As far as the whole "soft rock" thing, Incubus, Silverchair, the good Foo Fighters songs, Everclear, Sublime, and Red Hot Chili Peppers are all good bands you can put on around her without sacrificing your manliness and taste in music.

Holy crap. Are you one of my ex-girlfriends?
2006-04-27 03:56:26 AM  
Huh. I guess honesty is still horribly unattractive.

/gets thee to a monastery
2006-04-27 04:02:43 AM  
Right on, Godwin. You definitely deserve some play for that one.
However, not sure if anyone who needs to be introduced to "Paranoid Android" is worth the trouble. But that might be just me.
2006-04-27 04:10:01 AM  
"Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken."

//Hopefully not obscure?
2006-04-27 04:10:08 AM  
Sandy Vaseline: any damn fool knows your supposed to play NIN, "i want to fark you like an animal" it kinda gets the point across.

Sad to say, but Sandy here is a virgin, folks. :(

/For extra credit, can anyone tell me why that might be?
2006-04-27 04:26:26 AM  
Step 7:

Oh wait, that wasn't one of the steps?
2006-04-27 04:36:27 AM  
I have a date tommorow and I've been drowning advice all day so it's odd that this came up.

After a life time of struggling to get dates it took nothing for me this time. My buddies know I like her, one of them went and told her then came back and quoted her "Then tell him to be a man and come over here."

I confess that questioning manliness works on me. Plus all my friends would bug the shiat out of me if I didn't go over so I went and she asked me out. Yeah, she asked me out.

I finally understand when guys are always saying that if you get shot down just keep trying and eventually something will click.

Also, any farker's dating advice is welcome because I'm sure it will be hilarious.
2006-04-27 04:38:11 AM  
Sure its been said many times already but, I'll say it again. This is farking idiotic.

Guys, you want to get laid? Display confidence (good posture seems to help out with confidence building like it does with depression), talk, and be yourself. Then find a gal who you find attractive (or a guy if thats your thing) and who finds you attractive too. Not only will the world be a better place due to people being happy but, also because less people would be listening to Michael Bolton.

And whats this about arms to the sides? I'd be 1/8th mute.
2006-04-27 04:39:23 AM  
radioberlin: Also, any farker's dating advice is welcome because I'm sure it will be hilarious.

Have a wank an hour before the date.
2006-04-27 04:43:05 AM  
Step 7: Chloroform
2006-04-27 04:46:49 AM  
Sandy Vaseline: any damn fool knows your supposed to play NIN, "i want to fark you like an animal" it kinda gets the point across.

Sad to say, but Sandy here is a virgin, folks. :(

/For extra credit, can anyone tell me why that might be?

Too young to know the title of "Closer"?
2006-04-27 04:53:32 AM  
Gordon Bennett,
Cocteau Twins...
Yes, trust him on that one.
Even the stuff they put in the trance music is beautiful.

/someone else knows about the Cocteau Twins?
2006-04-27 04:59:32 AM  
Play music she likes.

hope should end the music posturing in the thread
2006-04-27 05:00:02 AM  
dating is easy just tell her
- to put the lotion on it's skin
- or else it gets the hose again

how hard is that?

2006-04-27 05:42:37 AM  
Two words... Cold Play. Preferrebly "A Rush of Blood to the Head."

/Portishead "Dummy" - also quite good.
2006-04-27 06:20:03 AM  
1) Wink at her
3) Profit
2006-04-27 06:41:29 AM  
OK, I've waited many 'a thread to post this story, but finally it's appopriate...

This is the way I hooked up with my current girlfriend:

I was at pretty rowdy party where most of the people were pretty drunk. The only drinks available were canned beer and cheap wine. People were dancing, shouting, and having a blast in general. At one point a girl sitting alone in the corner caught my eye... a very beatiful girl, I just knew I had to talk to her - but how? I noticed she looked a bit tired, probably too much cheap wine. Then it hit me: I walked up to her, and said "You look a little out of it, maybe you could go for a cup of coffee". She replied I'd love a cup of coffee, but there's only alcohol in this dump (the party was at an old shed in the middle of nowhere). I told her to sit tight for a couple of minutes. I ran to the nearby farmhouse, rang the doorbell (I knew the people living there) and asked if I could brew a pot of coffee and borrow some cups, sugar etc. After I explained what it was for they laughed and let me brew the coffee. So I went back with a pot of hot coffee on a tray, and when she saw me walking towards her, I knew the deal was settled.
2006-04-27 06:46:30 AM  
2006-04-27 07:02:25 AM  
1) Go on myspace
2) message random girl in your area
3) meet her and think "damn, she didn't look fat in her pictures but at least I'm getting laid"
2006-04-27 07:08:56 AM  
Major_Tom_In_Space: This is the way I hooked up with my current girlfriend

Man's ingenuity knows no bounds when it comes to getting into someone's pants. Well played, sir.
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