He's such a religious nut he probably has sex with his eyes closed.

Now, let's be kind to Jack Chick. We love him for the same reason we love Bevets. Where would Fark be without the occasional Jack Chick thread?


.

Happy Birthday, you...crazy..old....guy!

If you have nothing nice to say...

No adult photos of Chick are known to exist.

WFT? The guy's 82 years old and no one has a photo of him. Maybe he's afraid the devil will capture his soul in a picture.

I took a seminar on Nietzsche and did a presentation on The AntiChrist. I included some Chick tracts for everyone to read. The room was dead silent as they took in the horrors.

Go to hell, you antiquated, cracked-out geezer.*

(* fark you 24:9)

Glad this got greenlit. I was reading up on him on Wiki last night and just happened to notice the date he was born. Weird.

Hey, Chickie, at least you're more entertaining than Pat Robertson!

Happy birthday you crazy bastard.

WFT? The guy's 82 years old and no one has a photo of him. Maybe he's afraid the devil will capture his soul in a picture.



Nah, he's just afraid he'd get lynched... *cocks pistol*

Happy Birthday Jack

/devout Catholic
//will be eating The Death Cookie on Sunday

Hang On Voltaire
//will be eating The Death Cookie on Sunday

Wait, I've been a devout Catholic(uh, sorta...born & raised)my whole life, but what's this Death Cookie you speak of?

I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie.

If only there was somebody out the praying and fasting for me.

2006-04-13 08:28:07AM staplermofo

I see what you mean, but I'm still in the belief that intolerance is still intolerance. However, if I had to be forced to be stuck in a room with Jack Chick or Pat Robertson, I think I'd find it much less tempting to do something bad to Jack Chick.

Action Replay Nick
Ah okay, thanks! :)

/The more you know
//too lazy to find the graphic

staplermofo

Interesting "Devil's Advocate" position. I don't know if I buy into it, though. Something about his tracts strikes me as being very sociopathic. Given his reclusive nature, I think he's just not a people person. So I can't imagine him patiently explaining anything to anybody. But rather, ejaculating out intolerant comic strips from the safety of his hidey-hole so he cant be directly countered on his beliefs.

But I do believe your right that from his point-of-view he means no ill will. In his mind, he's doing humanity a favor by trying to save them from those other "false" religions

I wish I wasn't aware he was that old and sick

I just can't go and be really mean to such a old, pathetic man.

I mean, he's gone from crazy, racist, xenophobic preacher to, well, some old man who wants minorities to stop walking on his damn lawn

Artmageddon
Ah okay, thanks! :)

No problem. I ate the death cookie many times in my youth. And sometimes when my family does manage to guilt me into going to church once every 2 years, I take communion without going to confession (or even believing it's anything more than a bland cracker).

So along with Chick, the Vatican also considers me hell bound.

^^^^^ Not fun at parties.

What's so intolerant about voicing your opinion?


Stating his opinion isn't intolerant, just his opinion is.

I'd like to offer my own. I think he needs serious medication but is probably waaaay too late.

Even atheists agree: Chick tracts rock!

Artmageddon: Wait, I've been a devout Catholic(uh, sorta...born & raised)my whole life, but what's this Death Cookie you speak of?

You've never heard of the crouton o christ?

/props to Dane Cook
//Mmmmm Christ Chex

staplermofo

What's so intolerant about voicing your opinion?

What's tolerant about stating that everybody who doesn't accept your particular brand of absolute faith will burn for eternity in a Lake of Fire(tm)?

He's not grabbing anyone by the lapel or putting a gun to anyone's head. He's just saying "I think you're going to burn in hell, this is why, accepting it as true is up to you". Tracts are probably the least confrontational way of approaching people about religion, it's great he isn't out there on the street corner shouting "harlot!" at people.

That's not just intolerance. That's coercion.

Intolerance is having no regards for other beliefs or viewpoints. Chick over the years has produced many comic strips that have seen millions of copies distributed for the sole purpose of convincing the public to reject every faith or belief other than Jack Chick's. That certainly fits my definition of "intolerance".

Tolerance is "it's great your religion works for you. It may not be what I believe, but I respect that it's what you believe."

Intolerance is "if you continue to worship your false Moon God instead of the one true Jesus Christ, you will suffer in pain and torment until the end of time."

Jack does have his moments:



\pervert

I have a lot to worry about, according to him. I'm going to hell.

Yeah, sure. Judge not, and all that.

szmike: I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie.

If only there was somebody out the praying and fasting for me

Hey, now. There's clerics in D&D. They pray for you all the time.

Kyosuke

Divine bukkake?

/so going to hell

PunkTiger: Divine bukkake?

/so going to hell

Where you will receive divine bukkake! It's a perfect circle.

staplermofo

Now we're just getting into a potato-potahto argument here, so I'll respectfully agree to disagree and move on.

le mew

*golfclap*

I agree.

Is there some sort of moral crossroad when you reach a point in your life where you pleasure yourself to Jack Chick's tracts?

Has anyone ever seen a picture of him?

Kyosuke

*cue ZZ-Top* "..she wore a pearl necklace."

/Jack's right, I am going to hell

I'll join the others here who raise a glass to Chick today for all the endless hours of amusement he's provided. Not only for his wacky cartoons, but for the spittle-flecked raged he tends to provoke in some folks.

I collect Chick tracts, so I'm getting a kick out of...oh hell.

No, really, I collect them. Even if Chick himself is dangerously out of touch with reality, you can't deny the artistry that goes into the books. Plus I like laughing at evangelical Xians.

Check out the parodies if you can. Especially the Cthulhu tract. Your underwear will never be the same again.

leathermidget

Nice.

I cannot believe people like this exist on the same planet I am from. What a piece of work.

I know he is entitled to his own opinion, but wow.....what a loser.

/devout Catholic
//looking forward to Good Friday and Easter

Today is also the anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth day.

/just now heard it on "The Writers' Almanac"

Happy birthday to Jack.

It is too bad he was diverted to the dark side and missed his true calling -- drawing Looney Tunes®!

A friend of mine from San Bernadino who's claimed to have met him a few years ago tells me Akin's (see the wikipedia link) sketch of his face is pretty spot-on, even though it seems pretty generic.

/recycled

Prince Of Farkness said:

"No, really, I collect them."

Hang on to them and pass them down to your kids. They will be worth a fortune someday.

Darque Dungeon.

sullyman

Happy birthday old man.
/never heard of him
//greenlit birthday greetings for obscure old people rocks!


Wow. I don't know if I should mourn your ignorance, or be insanely jealous of it.


/I'm leaning towards the latter
//Please Don't Vote for me.
///Because I didn't enable it ;)

staplermofo: They're just words.

And what is on this page?

Prince Of Farkness

The good illustrations were done by another guy who apparently Jack hid in the crawl space under his house. You can tell right off which did which. Jack's art looked pretty weak and cartoony, but the other dude was talented -- really good inking technique. He did some comic books too.

say what you want but

Jack Chick > Fred Phelps

at least he only forces his whackjob ideas in (sometimes unintentionally hilarious) cartoon form, he doesn't disrupt people funerals and crap

Happy Birthday Jack.

Don't forget that he hates Freemasons too.

Darn, I thought this was the guy who did "Chester the Molester"

If you have nothing nice to say... Say it often

----Ed the Sock

For me the funniest parody is still 'North America doesn't exist'. The guy who drew it had his site hosted on Somethingawful.

Does anyone still have a link to the comic? Please!

I tip my hat to one of the greatest commedians and artists of our time. Seriously, how much fun have we collectively had reading those tracks? I used to get them as "tips" from the True Christians (c) on Sundays when I worked at The Black Eyed Pea. Sure I was pissed to not get cash, but I always got a smile and a chuckle from Jack.

Thanks for making a few crappy days brighter with your hateful and otherwise useless propaganda!

Ah, good ol' JC.

From an evolution thread last year, a classic panel from
'Apes, Men, and Mrs. Henn' :

So, since no adult photos of him exist, I guess he doesn't drive, and has never driven, at least not legally. What about military service photos? (Like I really care...)

It just seems unlikely.

Sister got me a box full o' chick tracts as a funny ha-ha gag gift for my birthday.

Took forever to put smilies on all the blank god faces. And every time god points, add 'pull my finger!'

I don't remember how many of them said that I specifically was going to hell--as an atheist, someone who doesn't think Halloween is evil, "believes" in fossils, etc.--but it was too many to count.

Once had a coworker who set out a table full of pamphlets and also left them in the bathroom stalls daily. He's gone now, I think he was too busy worshipping the lord to do any work.

I THINK THAT THIS CALLS FOR A PHOTOSHOP CONTEST!!!

I don't care what you believe -- those things are awesome!

Adman12
the dungeons and dragons one is the best

Is it possible that this guy is actually a collection of people. I mean there's no known photo of the straight dope character Cecil. Its possible "jack chick" is an assumed name, or a group of people putting out continuous work.

I read that name as Chuck Schick.


Really? Are you going to Harvard?




No. St. Copius of Northern....

82 huh?

You know why?

Because only the good die young.

Although I don't share Jack Chick's religious beliefs, I do get a big perverse kick out reading of those Chick Tracts. My favorite is "Room 309". DH and I just found one last month called "The Sissy" that was just delightful.

One year closer to a dirt nap...

I wonder if he is related to Chuck Shick, my new intern who will be clerking for me this summer.

\somebody has to know that one

Dammit SWANKY!!!

Thank you Jack Chick for teaching me the holocaust was caused by Jesuits in Gestapo Uniforms

/God bless

Happy birthday, oh, evil one!

Happy birthday, you magnificent... uh... chick.

I hate that guy.

The last time someone handed me one of those tracks. I ripped it up slowly in front of them while staring right at them and not saying a word.

/Catholic

i think he was responsible for the very real fear of sex, boys, and men i had when i was a teenager.

according to him, sex ONCE, WITh a condom WILL give you AIDS and send you to hell. nice.

bastard.

My favourite Chick tract parody is Antlers of the Damned:

http://def.con.ca/spacemoose/strips/antlers2.jpg

A vote for me is a vote of a lack of html skillz.

manic:I think it's pretty obvious who the bad guys are (look at the flag):

I always knew hippies were the children of Satan

Check out The Storyteller (pops), describing how the founding of Islam was a Vatican conspiracy.

As Carsenio would say, "Yessir, that is some wild wacky stuff."

dogfood: Dammit SWANKY!!!

LOL, sorry - I really wanted to find a picture of the guy, but no dice.

It isn't a coincidence that Jack Chick has the same initials as another being that came to the world to save you and forgive you of your sins.


Thats Right....

Jimmy Carter.

dogfood, killer caddyshack quote!

jack chick is a jerkoff, fark him and the rest of the poeple out there who want to force their beliefs on me

He is teh ancient!!1!

I never realized he had such a vendetta against the Catholic Church.

/Catholic
//normally unphased by religous nuts of any faith
///just wanted to have 3 slashies.

you know, i was borned and raised catholic, it's part of my heritage as well, now as a 37 year old, i've figured out what my faith is and what my religion is, i don't force it on people, and i don't judge people. born agains and evangelicals can suck my nads, they judge me wrong while talking about how holy they are.

Chick said in an interview that he got the idea to draw cartoon tracts from the Chinese Communist Party, which handed out cartoon tracts explaining its philosophy to peasants.

Somehow this seems oddly appropriate

Stupid Jack Chick...spending your time trying to preach the Gospel which you so whole-heartedly believe in...trying to get people saved so they don't have to suffer eternity in hell! STUPID WHACKJOB.

He spends his time trying to get souls saved, and you spend your time in an online forum making fun of him for it...yet, HE'S the whackjob?

"I really like your Christ, it's the Christians I can't take" - Ghandi

\seconded

I remember the first time I found a copy of one of his tracts. It was "This is Your Life". A classic story of a secularist dying and then getting tossed into hell.

I honestly thought that it just had to be a joke. I couldn't accept the possibility that the comic was intended to be serious.

I do wonder how many people have actually been convinced as a result of these comics. As funny as they are, the idea that someone, somewhere has actually had a conversion experience because of a Chick Tract is just too depressing to contemplate.

It's been a while since I've been to his site. I wasn't aware that there was a whole cycle of Lil' Debbie tracts. Urgh. That kid is like a next generation Stepford Wife by way of The Dark Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

As an atheist I really and honestly do try to have an accept ing attitude towards other people's religious beliefs (and I really wish the sentiment was reciprocated more often, but that's another thread). Contrary to the stereotype, I don't go door to door trying to rip people away from their gods. For the most part, as much as I'm mystified by the phenomenon of religion, I accept it as something other people believe. Chick-style Christianity really does baffle me, though. How in the world do people manage to believe in such a narrow and hateful deity?

Back when I was more vocal about these thing, I came up with a little sig to describe my feelings of this sort of view: "Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."

I'm not nearly as vocal as I once was, and I did get tired of people misinterpreting the quote as an assault on all theism (in spite of the clear jab at fundamentalism), but it does capture my bafflement with fundamentalist dogma. They believe in a god that's supposed to have all these amazing attributes but who seems fixated on the most insignificant things. I just don't get it.

Why must the good always die so young?

I felt like a real weirdo when Jack Chick tracts started showing up in the men's room at the Federal Government installation where I work and I was the only one who knew what they were.

So thank you, Fark, for expanding my horizons and helping freak out my co-workers even more.

Hey! Who knew that Bruce Vilanch was around in the CITY OF DOOM!?!

Ahh, JC...what a card you are.

Hang On Voltaire

/devout Catholic
//will be eating The Death Cookie on Sunday

Don't tell Jack or Paul Blanshard that you'll be taking that secret KoC oath.

/anti-Catholicism is silly
//extra ecclesiam nulla salus

Happy birthday, funny man!

It's people like Jack Chick who make me hesitate to tell people I'm a Christian.

Unfortunately, a Christian who cares for others and tries to love his fellow man isn't nearly as interesting as a whackjob like Jack Chick. People like me never get our own fark.com stories, beacause it's not really all that interesting. So many people never realise that there are millions of Christians who spend their lives quietly trying to live our lives acording to the teachings of Jesus.

Here's a bible quote these wackjobs always manage to ignore:
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope
Stupid Jack Chick...spending your time trying to preach the Gospel which you so whole-heartedly believe in...trying to get people saved so they don't have to suffer eternity in hell! STUPID WHACKJOB.


Um the last cartoon I saw linked in this thread had nothing to do with scripture, but about how the Catholics (specifically the Pope) was behind the Holocaust.
I"m not entirely sure where in the Gospel that is, but if you can find it please let me know.

Maybe if the kept the kid from walking in the dark on broken glass, he wouldn't need any @#$%^ Tiny Shoes.

Tiny Shoes, Tiny Shoes... even fifteen years later, a high-pitched voice saying "where are my tiny shoes" is all it takes to crack up some of my best friends. We always imagined the kid making it all the way to the craps game... ah, it just got ugly after that. Funny, but ugly.

Holy shiat, all the way down here and no appearances by Bevets OR Ghastly.

He has nothing on Jed Smock.

When you die, you'll find the joke is on you.
Feh, you're no Jack. You have to put more of yourself into the condemnation and use more descriptive words. Something more like, "When you perish, you'll think back to my words and know the true pain of your choice!"

And I would say something like, "NOOOO!! Why was I so foolish? Why didn't I listen to the wise words of Rev. Skarekrow??!!" And, if I had anything to say about it at proofing time, there would be a cool picture of Satan sodomizing my Mom and Jesus laughing about it....

/loves it

friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope



Or an evangelical oppressive christian (diffrent than a real christian)

either way I'd like you to go back under your bridge.

Jack Chick is a servant of Xenu.

Typical. One of em shows up WHILE I'm TYPING and beats me to the post by 11 seconds. About time you got here!

Brave Sir Robin: Yeah, if it is the guy under his floorboards that does the really cool artwork, then he does indeed have one talented Gimp.

Grew up fundy and Jack Chick tracts were standard fare. Once upon a time I took them very seriously.

He's a creep. The amount of contempt he has for unbeLEEvers is sickening. That's why love LOVES the doctrine of hell. He'd invent it if it wasn't already there.

Dead serious conspiracy nut too. Total whackjob who needs to be shouted down whenever his crap pops up.

TheWolfdog

Perhaps you should 1) learn the defintion of a troll (I was in no way trolling) and then 2) rather than justifying your position by ignoring my post (justified by calling me a troll), you should examine yourself?

ReverendHeresy: i think he was responsible for the very real fear of sex, boys, and men i had when i was a teenager.

Wow, that sucks. Maybe you could sue? Or at least kick him in the ding...

Ghastly: I'm more partial to Freddy Tracts (NSFW) myself.

Nice - I was just on my way to your site to find that. Beaten to it by the horse's mouth. Oh, and I love Kwerki's current story.

83, hm?

I see how it is.... A zealous old-skool fundy with a shrinking brain.

Makes perfect sense now.

it's so great to see beliefs twisted so that you can judge others, isn't there somethign in that big funny book about NOT doing that?

Also from the Darque Dungeon site, God Hates the Scene (pops).

Just for the record, Bogart Shwadchuck is a genius for these Chick Tract parodies.

Happy birthday, ya crazy old goat!

And thanks for standing up and speaking what you believe, in spite of all the people that call you a crazy old goat.

I'm going to be real disappointed if, when I die, I don't see the Faceless God (tm) pointing off into the distance going, "Depart from me, ye accursed, into everlasting fire" and a big gay angel chucking my naked ass through a burning doorway.

/My name does not appear in the Book of Life (tm).
//Oh well.
///Would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope: He spends his time trying to get souls saved, and you spend your time in an online forum making fun of him for it...yet, HE'S the whackjob?

Yeah - my soul doesn't need saved.

/Besides, how, exactly, does worshipping a Levantine carpenter protect us from going to the Norse underworld?

pizen

Too bad Don Adams didn't make it to 83, I heard he missed by that much.

sloth dc, i'm laughing my ass right now!

2006-04-13 11:52:40 AM Krynnite
I never realized he had such a vendetta against the Catholic Church.


"Yes, but can he do this?"

have to give him credit on thing though - he grabbed that www.chick.com domain right early. how much do you think he could get for selling that alone?

/freak

Happy birthday Jack Chick. I hope you have a heart attack.

When I was a kid I got Chick Tracts from some old lady for Trick or Treat one Halloween. I guess I was about 9. I remember being confused. Everyone else had given me candy, or home made popcorn balls. A lot of the older folks gave out awesome cookies. When the old lady dropped in those Chick Tracts, I was like "Thank you?". After I got home I was making an inventory of my loot and I found the Chick Tract and read it. It was about the evilness of Halloween and how it promoted Satanism. So I threw it away and egged her house for screwing me out of some candy.

LocalCynic
Don't tell Jack or Paul Blanshard that you'll be taking that secret KoC oath.
/anti-Catholicism is silly
//extra ecclesiam nulla salus

Really, I have never understood why people like Jack believe that there is this great Catholic conspiracy to run the world.

/omnis laudatio Illuminati

You're right, even if you spelled my name wrong.
My bad. I re-read my post and realized that I missed some important elements of Jack's style too.

/see you in hell
/hope there's a special window so Jack can shout his judgement down from above. It'll still make me smile.

Tiny shoes?

Barnstormer: Check out The Storyteller (pops), describing how the founding of Islam was a Vatican conspiracy.

Hang on, I thought that Islam was a moon cult :-)

I nominate Jack for a free totalfark membership, since he contributes so much to this group, and, besides, it's his birthday.


Also, sent this to or­derdes­kk­c­i­hc­c­om.
Jack doesn't seem to have a personal address there.

***********************

We love ya, we love to make fun of ya, and some of us even agree with you (maybe bevets, but we all laugh at him).

Anyhow, thanks for standing up for the right to be heard, and thanks for pursuing what you believe in. I sincerely respect you for that.

And, no, I don't agree with your message. But the messenger kicks butt.

Happy birthday, Jack Chick!

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2011450&ok=true

/was right about somethings
//happy birthday FREAK

the_wanderer: Also from the Darque Dungeon site, God Hates the Scene (pops).

Just for the record, Bogart Shwadchuck is a genius for these Chick Tract parodies.

That kicked multiple metric farktonnes of ass.

2006-04-13 12:07:43 PM Sloth_DC
/Besides, how, exactly, does worshipping a Levantine carpenter protect us from going to the Norse underworld?

I ask that all the time. And the more I hear them talk, the more other questions I have. For example...

They go on about the 12 Tribes of Israel.

And? So what? Why should I give a shiat when I'm from an entirely different continent?

Jesus used a lot of self aggrandizing language. Anybody else tried that, they'd be considered a farking nutball. Without using anything that Jesus said about HIMSELF ("I am the Son of God"--buzz, argument rejected as biased source), how do you figure?

What I hate the most. I have a friend who is trying to get me into a church (United Church of Christ, if you want to know, a Protestant denomination), and if they were all like her, I'd go for it. But I've already met way too many people who insist on working Jesus into EVERYTHING they see or do. They're wearing Jesus colored glasses. It's like they are COMPLETELY HELPLESS except for what Jesus might give them, or at least act that way. Ugh.

I've been collecting those hillarious tracts since I was a teen. Finding them in phone booths and whatnot. My freinds and I would always get a chuckle over those.

I like the earlier one's cause they were way more inflammatory and ridiculous. He seems to have lost some of his zing. Oh well.

The name is familiar. I might have seen his work once before. I found a pamphlet one time that had the most outrageous claims about abortion I have ever seen (well maybe until I found Fark).

It was every single stereotype from the drunk and abusive husband to the meek and obviously battered wife whom he was forcing to have an abortion. Of course the doctor was in on it too, covering for the husbands abuse. The pamphlet maintained this was the usual course of events when one had an abortion. It had some printing on the back that it had been provided by some church somewhere.

I had it posted on our department bulletin board for a while. It's probably still down in my old office. It sounds like it could have been this guys work.

2006-04-13 12:03:54 PM friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope

Perhaps you should 1) learn the defintion of a troll (I was in no way trolling) and then 2) rather than justifying your position by ignoring my post (justified by calling me a troll), you should examine yourself


Fair enough, I didn't expect you to reply so I'll use my lunch break and enjoy this. What was your position again?

friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope: He spends his time trying to get souls saved, and you spend your time in an online forum making fun of him for it...yet, HE'S the whackjob?


Oh yea... No wonder I thought you were a troll.I guess your just an idiot.
Not everyone in here is "making fun of him". Some have real problems with his ignorant and disoreiented views. The roman catholic church funded the Holocaust? The Vatican keeps a "special computer" with the names of all protestants? His tracts tell a nice story but most or all contain "facts" with no citations and no ounce of truth.

I could make a pretty strong witnessing case too if i drew pictures with absurd lies on them.

"Did you know friendly_neighborhood_misanthrope is a child molester? This fact is being covered up by the secret fark community to protect him"

Notice the lack of evidence supporting that claim and claims of a coverup as a reason for no evidence. You'll see the same pattern in chick tracts.

I have no problem with someone dedicating their life to helping others via information and options. However, those cartoons are anti-catholic, anti-muslim, and anti-semetic. Explain the benefits of your religion instead of trying to expose the evil of others.

I can't stand being witnessed too. I don't agree with a lot of things in organized religion, the biggest being "IF YOU AREN'T THIS RELIGION YOU ARE GOING TO HELLL!!!111!, but if your saved, everything is cool".

By that theory wonderful amazing good hearted people (Ghandi, Mother Theresa, etc etc) are in Hell while Pat Roberston will be in heaven. WTF???

I want no part of that heaven. I want a heaven where people are judged by their random acts of kindness / good deeds / the way the treated and influenced others, etc, etc and not their attendance in a specific church.


/rant off

Sure, you're all laughing at Jack Chick now.
When you die, you'll find the joke is on you.

Hey, freaky, check this out-

LittleSmitty: A similar thing happened to me too. Got chick tracks instead of candy from some Jebus-freak family down the street. Buncha my friends and I went to work that night with eggs, flaming poo-bags, TP, and, as an extra special treat, a pentagram and naughty words spelled out in their lawn with Roundup.

Next year, they kept their lights out and pretended they weren't home. Since that wasn't as bad, we just cranked up the Roundup again (being careful to avoid the bright green new-grass pentagram in the center of their yard).

Year after that they tried handing out health food. Back to the burning poo-bags and as an extra special treat a gigantic F-bomb spelled out with fertilizer.

Then they got the right idea and started handing out Snickers. We left them alone that year.

But four or five years after that I managed to pop the cherries of both the daughters, and complete my revenge.

Dawnrazor: Tiny shoes?

See? I laughed when you said it just there. Good times...

Spacemoose Chick Tract parody ...

Antlers of the Damned! nsfw.

I hope Jack's site has confessed its sins to God, because it looks like it's about to die soon.

Speaking of the Death Cookie:

In a production of Godspell, one of the traditions is to write new jokes to make the production timely and topical to its intended audience. There is a built-up series of lore that spreads from cast to cast.

One of the places that is a designated ad lib point is the soft shoe number, "It's All For The Best", where Jesus and Judas do some Vaudeville schtick.

Anyway, here's one that I came up with:

Jesus: "Why was Jesus so sad at the Last Supper?"

Judas: "I don't know. Why was Jesus so sad at the Last Supper?"

Jesus: "Because he knew he'd be a wafer so long."

Not everyone in here is "making fun of him". Some have real problems with his ignorant and disoreiented views.

I can only speak for myself, but it's definitely a little from column A and a little from column B... :-p

Docsigma

Holy crap. I almost peed myself. That is hilarious.

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter

/still laughing because its currenty above my typing.

Krynnite: I never realized he had such a vendetta against the Catholic Church.

My cousin and I grew up Catholic, and he married a fundy Southern Baptist.

Saw him a few years ago and it made me wince to hear him talk so much smack on Catholicism, saying "Catholics aren't Christians" (wtf?) and all kinds of weird conspiracy angle-related tangents...

I'm not a "believer" and you might expect me to denounce the Church, but hearing him trade his moderate upbringing for fundy brainwashing was disturbing...

Ah Chick Tracts.

They're funny because they aren't meant to be.

Had to be posted again.

Holy shiat I can't stop laughing now... With the "tiny shoes" and "it's that time again", I'm in a permaloop of laughter.

Nintendo shampoo? Damn, thats some obscure memory here. Then again, this is where we had a whole thread firing around Back To The Future quotes.

Stupid_Flanders wins the thread.

And, he's my new hero.

Otto_von_Prawn, I'm a bad, bad person for doing that. Vandalism is always wrong, and if I found any miscreants molesting my lawn today with Roundup, I'd stomp a mudhole in their behinds.

That being said, as an adult I always hand out really, really good candy. Actually I just hold out a big plastic tub full, and tell kids to take a big handful. Especially the teenagers.

/Protection candy

Cue the cartoon Ramones

Happy Birthday to you (happy birthday)
Happy Birthday to you (happy birthday)
Happy Birthday Chicky
Happy Birthday to you
Go to hell you old bastard

/Have the Rolling Stones killed

WHO?

Stupid_Flanders
But four or five years after that I managed to pop the cherries of both the daughters, and complete my revenge.

Wow! Just like in Doom Town! (Pops)



Here ya go boys, fresh virgin chicks! Now, there'll be none of yer ding-dang evil faggottin' tonite!
Yay Family Values!

Remember- It's the other guys Religion that's nonsense.

Heh, sometimes I would get egged while walking along a particular street outside a big shopping complex (they were presumably leaning over the edge of the carpark throwing down at me). They always missed though. One time an egg landed in front of me and a little got on my arm. I stopped, brushed the egg off my arm, and continued onward unfazed. If one had ever hit me, I would have hunted down those little asshats and turned their balls blue.

Anyone else ever work as a waiter and get these things instead of a tip? Man, we'd get those things all the time and kept a bucket full of them in the back. cheap bastards

Lot's righteous soul:

Genesis 19:6-8 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

Even the children were not safe from perversion:

Genesis 19:32-36 Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."

That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father.

(remember, God saved these folks rather than smiting them along with the rest of Sodom.)

toonz: Wow! Just like in Doom Town! (Pops)

I can't help but notice that the man banging at Lot's door appears to be He-Man.

Pxtl: That kicked multiple metric farktonnes of ass.

You know, you could sponsor me for a month or two of TotalFark.... Hint, hint...

kungfu: Man, we'd get those things all the time and kept a bucket full of them in the back. cheap bastards

But...THINK of your reward in HEAVEN!

I heard that Bevets actually has an impressive Tract collection... Keeps them in a shoebox, wrapped with a silk ribbon...

Pxtl
I can't help but notice that the man banging at Lot's door appears to be He-Man.

Damn, you're right! He must like working out or something, not that there's any thing wrong with it.

toonz: Well, not just like it--it wasn't like I was trying to rape Dad's male houseguests, and he let me have his daughters instead.

They were a really repressive uber-Christian family. The girls wore dresses all the time, because somewhere in the Bible it says women can't wear men's clothes (thus chicks in pants = going to hell). No TV. Obeying the Sabbath. All that fun stuff. Predictably, the girls were looking for a way to rebel, and I just happened to be a, uhhh, convenient outlet for them. Dear old dad never figured out it was me that corrupted his daughters.

Only the good die young!

Cthulhu Fhtagn!

Man, I hope I'm not that bitter and angry when I'm 82. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go tell some kids to get off my goddamned yard and to get a real haircut, for god's sake.

Sorry Stupid_Flanders, didn't mean to imply you were an "angel-rapist" or anything like that.

Random thought: I thought Angels had no genitals & stuff, so couldn't Lot have handed them over and watched the evil village people try to figure out where to put it in? I mean, that would have been classic!

Oh, and, you're my hero too.

OMGZ ITS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY. NOOOEEESSSS!!1!

toonz: Random thought: I thought Angels had no genitals & stuff, so couldn't Lot have handed them over and watched the evil village people try to figure out where to put it in? I mean, that would have been classic!

Well, yeah, if the whole episode weren't based on bad translation. Or if Christians cared about logical fallacies (the Christos has to a direct male descendant of David, not Zeus).

Wow - chick.com is farked right now, and Fark didn't even link to it (the Wikipedia article did). Is that a second-order Farking?

PigBimpin: Wow - chick.com is farked right now, and Fark didn't even link to it (the Wikipedia article did). Is that a second-order Farking?

Several of the Chick tracts (or, "Chicklets" as I call 'em) shown in this thread are hotlinked from Chick's site.

Sloth_DC
yeah, I am picking on the Chick version. I realize it's not exactly... um 'exact'

But, since Pxtl brought up he-man, I also can't help notice that Lot looks like Robert Tilton (who coincidentally was in SenorDingdong's post.

Yeah...you've all read them online...but have you ever been handed a farking chick-tract when crossing the street? When I noticed what it was, I just started laughing at the guy. He didn't like that.

Happy birthday, you religious nutjob!

/raised catholic
//fark religion
///boobies all around

PrimeLord: Yeah...you've all read them online...but have you ever been handed a farking chick-tract when crossing the street? When I noticed what it was, I just started laughing at the guy. He didn't like that.

Yeah - and I was handed one while playing pool. By somebody in the pool league. Same dude who tried to convince me to sign up with this "Christian company" installing Tesla generators on people's property.

I always wondered who drew those comics that were handed to us as kids when we used to go to Downtown Chicago. Perhaps that minister with the megaphone that stands in front of Old Navy peddles them as well.

Jack Chick, you fuggin' nut. When you finally are separated from your mortal coil, I think that someone will have a vicious biatch-slap waiting for you.

toonz
Random thought: I thought Angels had no genitals & stuff, so couldn't Lot have handed them over and watched the evil village people try to figure out where to put it in? I mean, that would have been classic!

I thought that O.T. angels were badasses, anyway. Don't with a couple of immortal babykillers with flaming swords!

Die soon, Jack Chick, you filthy bastard.

PrimeLord: Yeah...you've all read them online...but have you ever been handed a farking chick-tract when crossing the street? When I noticed what it was, I just started laughing at the guy. He didn't like that.

I find one or two lying around in Wal-Mart almost every weekend. It's like a farking Easter egg hunt.

One handbasket please...

He cant have his picture taken , because then people would know that hes the DEVIL!!

My dad actually gave me the Dark Dungeons track when I wanted to play D&D in high school.

That PVP strip is teh awesome.

evilkalla bringing up Jed Smock: talk about a blast from the past! I saw him over twenty years ago in a midwestern college (hint: we sometimes called it Undue Perversity) and yes, he did hand out Chick pamphlets.

My friends and I would often incorporate heckling Jed and "Brother Max" Lynch into our daily "4:20" ritual.
Anyone remember Max's "shoot you with the word of God" move? Or the ever-present bottle of O.J. he carried in his briefcase? When he introduced a fellow evangelist from the USSR we dubbed them "Brother Vodka and Brother OJ: the Holy Screwdriver"

Good times...

Jack's ideas are half as wacky as the ones I read on this site every day.

whats up with all the player haters??

I can't believe nobody has posted:




Antlers of the Damned
(props ImageShack)

Vetinari: whats up with all the player haters??

Not much, what's up with you?

welcome to 4 hours ago diplomaticimmunity

April 13 really got the freaks, huh.

/high-fives pizen

fernandez: an IMAGE, not a link...

quick 'n dirty.
my apologies to Norman Rockwell...

aww fark, wrong thread
damnit

This stuff is genius.

Remember when Chick (and the "CapAlert" movie reviews) useta get greenlit all the time?

/spooky

/no photoshop needed
//teh shiat

You're all wrong! It's not about sin or Christianity or any of that stuff -- it's about Jack Chick! If you dare to laugh at Jack Chick's comics, you'll BURRRRRNNNN in HELLLLLL for the unforgivable crime of laughing at Jack Chick!

/notice that here and there in his comics, Chick tells you that you're going to Hell if you think this or that panel is funny.

And here's a pic of Bela Lugosi, back when he played Jesus in Hungarian productions of the Passion Play:

anybody know of a FSM version/parody of Chick Tracts?

Does anyone remember the parodies that Matt from X-E did waaaaaay back and was forced to take down? Anyone happen to have any of those saved? Farking hilarious. They need to be read.

I received two Chick tracts with a T-shirt order from Landoverbaptist.com.

Ghastly

"I'm more partial to Freddy Tracts (NSFW) myself."

Glod bless you, Uncle Ghastly!

\Raving Fan
\\So's the wife
\\\Waiting for the "Peep Plushie" :)

Heh, the Wikipedia page for Jack Chick currently includes this line:

During World War II Chick was enlisted in the U.S. Army and served in the Pacific theater in the buttsecks division.

My guess is that it won't be there for long.

(Yup, before I even posted this comment it was gone.)

The other strange bit about the whole Lot offering up his "virgin" daughters to the men at the door looking for some holy bunghole action... why did he even have to do that? The angels had powers and stuff. They just had to go outside and zap the guys with power rays and such.

At some point the angels go outside and blind everyone, which causes them to become exhausted in their search for the doorknob (wtf?).

Jack Chick is a patron saint of religious nuttiness that gives all Christians a bad name.

Not all Christians are like this idiot; Johnny Cash could talk about the bible and not make people ill. This guy, on the other hand, drives more people away than he attracts. He is a hate filled sick twisted fark.

Oh, and in those pictues above, Lot kind of reminds me of Strahd.

/Ravenloft anybody?

michaellasalle: anybody know of a FSM version/parody of Chick Tracts?

No, but there's a Cthulhu Track floating around.

[/is it Track or Tract? Can't figure that out]

I used to read that stuff for laughs...some were so insanely hilarious. I'm not sure if its the same now but you used to be able to get one of every single one for like $10, well worth the entertainment.

Did he create Jack Bauer, though? :)
Between the 1970s and 1980s, he published 24 comics

Hickory-smoked

I'm sure they would if it weren't for the fact that they consider suicide a mortal sin that will send you to hell.

But after reading some of these I got to wondering, is Satan the embodiment of evil or just another messenger of God? If he's the former then wouldn't he take care of his fellow sinners in hell? If he's the latter then he's another way to lead people to "christ's love". What happens to those that beleive in neither a devil or god?

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a fundie, and i think everyone should be entitled to their beliefs. It's just something that stuck in my mind.

\i like to think of myself as a "religious mutt"
\\a vote for me is a vote for thinking outside the box

Didn't FARK used to have a "Chick" tag?

tract (trkt) n.
A leaflet or pamphlet containing a declaration or appeal, especially one put out by a religious or political group.

2006-04-13 05:29:11 PM madopal
tract (trkt) n.
A leaflet or pamphlet containing a declaration or appeal, especially one put out by a religious or political group

traction (tract-shun) v.
Getting a grip.

Grammaton Cleric: Oh, and in those pictues above, Lot kind of reminds me of Strahd.

Now that you mention it...

Chick is a nut.

A fundie nut job.

If you admire his work, you need to quit your church and find another.

Mad_Radhu

interesting. i got a little worried when i read your lead up to the link. but as long as i can still eye hump the ladies i'm all good.

o_o

awww yeah.

Some people look at their more simple minded brethren and see an opportunity to be helpful. Some people look at their more simple minded brethren and see an opportunity to take advantage of them. Religious publishing is big bucks. If you want to get rich, don't write a science book, write an anti-biology book.

Pollexabator

I tip my hat to one of the greatest commedians and artists of our time. Seriously, how much fun have we collectively had reading those tracks? I used to get them as "tips" from the True Christians (c) on Sundays when I worked at The Black Eyed Pea. Sure I was pissed to not get cash, but I always got a smile and a chuckle from Jack.

Thanks for making a few crappy days brighter with your hateful and otherwise useless propaganda!

That's a particularly distasteful way to distribute propaganda, as the server is subjected to it without much of a choice and it unfairly penalizes the server. The owner should have turned them away, or the servers refuse to serve them, the next time they came by.

Giving the tip in addition to the tract would have at least not deprived the server of due income, and would leave a better impression of adherents and hence their cause.

Stupid_Flanders

LittleSmitty: A similar thing happened to me too. Got chick tracks instead of candy from some Jebus-freak family down the street. Buncha my friends and I went to work that night with eggs, flaming poo-bags, TP, and, as an extra special treat, a pentagram and naughty words spelled out in their lawn with Roundup.

You came to their door, begging for candy. They didn't have to give you anything. Since you were imposing on them, they were perfectly within their rights to give you their propaganda.

In fact, they should have taken a baseball bat to you punks for your vicious vandalism. In Texas, they could have shot you. You wonder why some regimes get so harsh - it's a**holes like you that get the public accepting of it.

Next year, they kept their lights out and pretended they weren't home. Since that wasn't as bad, we just cranked up the Roundup again (being careful to avoid the bright green new-grass pentagram in the center of their yard).

Year after that they tried handing out health food. Back to the burning poo-bags and as an extra special treat a gigantic F-bomb spelled out with fertilizer.

Continuing this crap is particularly is particularly vindictive, and with no justification.

The more vulnerable among us tend to resent being corrected and they resent those who correct them. So someone who comes along with some convincing sounding spiel about how those smart people are really the ones who are foolish will be a sort of hero - and make a lot of money, since fools and their money are soon parted.

I hope there is a Judgement Day for real; because the most enjoyable thing in all eternity will be seeing the looks on the faces of people like Pat Robertson.

http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/index.php?cat=12

I never drink.....wine.

Q: Why hasn't he died yet?
A: God doesn't want to deal with him either.

lord_spap-oop: /notice that here and there in his comics, Chick tells you that you're going to Hell if you think this or that panel is funny.


I'll have to remember that. Hmmmm... include a panel in your comics that threatens your audience with hell if they do not worship your artwork. I like it!

I also love Chick's artwork. The message is kinda strange, but man he is good. I bet he does all this old school on bristol with india ink and brush. I think that's the attraction. The artwork is so good and the message is so... bizzare = priceless!

I just hope Jack gets to heaven soon. I'm glad that were I'm going I won't have to deal with him or his ilk.

//Window seat reserved. Business class.

Wow me and this religious nut have the same birthday. wow go fig!

faethe:

I'll have to remember that. Hmmmm... include a panel in your comics that threatens your audience with hell if they do not worship your artwork. I like it!

St. "Revelation" John got there first:

Revelation 22:18-19, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

Ironically, he almost got dropped from the Bible for excessive craziness:

In the 4th century, St. John Chrysostom and other bishops argued against including this book in the New Testament canon, chiefly because of the difficulties of interpreting it and the danger for abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Revelation