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(The Mirror)   English footballer misses game due to scalding his privates with boiling water   ( divider line
    More: Dumbass  
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6380 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Apr 2006 at 2:50 PM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

54 Comments     (+0 »)

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2006-04-04 10:54:58 AM  
Dumbass? The kid farking did it. I feel his pain.

Maybe it's just surprising to submitter that they got atheletes who take care of their kids over there.
2006-04-04 10:56:04 AM  
That's another ball he won't wanna use his hands on.
2006-04-04 11:06:20 AM  
He was holding a jug of water hot enough to scald him and holding a baby on his knee at the same time ? Dumbass
2006-04-04 11:06:54 AM  
No, no, no! The nurse said you should "prick your boil"!
2006-04-04 11:12:34 AM  

Damn you!
2006-04-04 11:18:30 AM  
wow. this is kind of cool. i didn't realize there were any english football players.
2006-04-04 11:18:34 AM  
ArcadianRefugee: Damn you!

Hehe, I almost never get in first.
2006-04-04 11:35:18 AM  
i think i head about was done on Superball Thursday on Opie and Anthony.
2006-04-04 01:50:10 PM  
He wasn't really hurt; he just writhed around on the ground for a minute until he realized no one was paying him any attention.
2006-04-04 02:54:27 PM  
I hate when that happens.
2006-04-04 02:55:05 PM  
Sorry, sounds like the asshat deserved it. What kind of an idiot holds a jug of water hot enough to scald while feeding a baby? Warm the bottle under a running tap, fer chrissakes, like a normal person would do! It's lucky it was his privates that got scalded and not his child.
2006-04-04 02:56:40 PM  
hate to see what he did to his corporals
2006-04-04 02:57:02 PM  

You were lucky I had nothing in my mouth right then or it would have cost you a keyboard.
2006-04-04 02:57:04 PM  
burnt Kyle's testicles

2006-04-04 02:57:07 PM  
Pouring boiling water over one's charlies?

Thats ... hot ....

2006-04-04 02:58:13 PM
2006-04-04 02:59:35 PM  
When I studied abroad, a girl in my program dropped an entire teapot full of boiling water on her lap. She burned her hooha, her leg, and parts of her ass. She couldn't even sit for a couple weeks (she had to lie down or stand).

Sadly enough, that wasn't the first time I had to call the French Emergency Services during that semester...
2006-04-04 02:59:38 PM  
Genital mutilation trifecta almost complete!
2006-04-04 03:03:10 PM  
BunkoSquad wins the thread.
2006-04-04 03:04:02 PM  
2006-04-04 03:07:53 PM  
When I was nineteen, I spent a summer refereeing girls' soccer for the local park district. Usually the little ladies just puttered the ball around, but unexpectedly one day I was hit square in the testicles by a powerful kick. I don't know how or why the little girl kicked it so hard, and I was a linesman that day so I was actually standing out of bounds, but, regardless, she drilled me.

I had to go to the doctor and he told me I suffered some pretty serious swelling as well as some "trauma" to one of my testicle-tubes due to the fact that my testes were pulled rapidly apart by the impact of the ball between them. For EIGHT years after that I was unable to sustain an erection without constant manual manipulation. I was not a masturbator, so this did not drastically alter my life, but it did become a major problem when I got married and wanted to have children. There is really no way to stimulate the erect penis in the way I needed and sustain meaningful intercoarse. After many many tries my penis became enflamed with a rash.

It was devastating. Only after months of counseling with our pastor, plenty of praying, and eventually minor surgery, was I able to overcome the problem and inpregnate my wife. To this day I still have problems when we decide to have relations.

This whole incident with the water and this poor fellow might sound like a fun diversient joke to most of you, but I am living proof that this kind of injury will completely dismantle your life. I hope all of you remember that between your snickering.
2006-04-04 03:09:41 PM  
I hope all of you remember that between your snickering.

Hehe. You broke yer peener.
2006-04-04 03:10:29 PM  
"Footy" star, "brawling outside a kebab shop."
What is this, broke-back soccer?
2006-04-04 03:11:02 PM  
This story is so bogus!

He was trying to give himself a Brazillian wax!
2006-04-04 03:11:45 PM  

I LOL'd!
2006-04-04 03:13:15 PM  
I hope all of you remember that between your snickering.

I empathize. But expecting Farkers to treat your problem with dignity is simply delusional.

Good luck with your nards, fellow Farker!
2006-04-04 03:14:59 PM  

See what happens when you help people? Especially kids. NEVER help anyone, you'll just get your balls busted in the end.

/sorry about the injury - teh suck
2006-04-04 03:27:08 PM  

You're sharing too much with the group.
2006-04-04 03:42:28 PM  
I wonder what would piss the Scottish international off more, scalding water in the testicles or being called English by submitter?
2006-04-04 03:43:40 PM  
Did anybody that watches Harvey Birdman think of this?
"I'll take the case!"
2006-04-04 03:46:07 PM  

Your injury was accidental and completely out of your control. This asshat held a small baby in one hand and a pot of scalding hot water in the other. Unfortunately, this happened after he had already procreated and passed along his genes.
2006-04-04 03:48:08 PM  
Boiling water is far more dangerous than most people think.

Imagine it as a pot of flaming oil, for what it can do to your flesh.
2006-04-04 04:03:52 PM  

I for one will remember your sad sack story, even when I'm done snickering.

2006-04-04 04:06:54 PM  
Long story short, 5uperman aint so 5uper.
2006-04-04 04:07:40 PM  
Must have looked like that:
2006-04-04 04:11:32 PM  
Dumbass? The kid farking did it.

I'd give the footballer the tag because he makes enough bannk to buy a microwave and feed the baby in 30 seconds instead of waiting 10 minutes for a freaking pot of water to boil.
2006-04-04 04:12:00 PM  
5uperman: was not a masturbator

For some reason this made me chuckle
2006-04-04 04:12:32 PM  
2006-04-04 04:13:39 PM  
And now he's wearing this around his schlong:
2006-04-04 04:17:38 PM  
5uperman: was not a masturbator

The man of 5teel had a will of 5teel too.
2006-04-04 04:17:48 PM  
Thanks Balky, I though I was the only one!!
2006-04-04 04:18:53 PM  

I would've prefaced that story with, "This buddy of mine" or "I heard about a guy who.."

/in short - don't feed the Farkers
//the less you know
2006-04-04 04:24:28 PM  

Only after months of counseling with our pastor, plenty of praying, and eventually minor surgery, was I able to overcome the problem

2006-04-04 04:25:14 PM  
Excellent Birdman reference, kregh99, but I must confess, the first thing I thought of looking at your post was this...
He's wearing a loincloth, I have an abnormally long finger.
This UFIA was preordained by destiny!
2006-04-04 04:32:14 PM  
I've done that. Freshly boiled cup of tea on the lap.
Thankfully it missed the most of the vital parts. I felt panic like I've never felt before and immediately thought of the Harvey Birdman episode. I took a cold bath, took some advil, and sat with a frozen gelpack on my groin for the rest of the night. There was only minor blistering.
2006-04-04 05:08:41 PM  
This is why I'm no longer going to make macaroni and cheese while shiatcanned at 4:00 a.m.

boiling water splashing on naked tits: bad.
2006-04-04 05:28:10 PM  
It was an honest mixup.

His coach told him to be sure and lance his boil before the game.

/dylsexics untie!
2006-04-04 05:29:32 PM  
Ahh crud.

Didn't see dna_level_c's post.

I even did a search on the page for "lance."
2006-04-04 05:51:25 PM  
I didn't know you could get boiling water inside an eye dropper.
2006-04-04 05:55:45 PM  
Once again, only funny if it has never happened to you. I spilled camomile tea in my lap while wearing a thin cotton nightgown. I am usually good in emergencies, but this time my roommate had to help me get in the bathtub. He was really cool about it. My friends thought my waddling was funny. Actually, so did I. Ironically, when I spilled the tea, I was reading The Origin of Species.
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