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(Reuters) NewsFlash Al Qaeda's Ayman al-Zawahiri says U.S. airstrike against him in Pakistan failed; has also taken Jack Bauer hostage. BOOP-BEEP-BOOP-BEEP   ( today.reuters.com) divider line
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9960 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Jan 2006 at 1:37 PM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»


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278 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2006-01-30 01:31:02 PM  
If they can really take Jack Bauer hostage who can we send in to save him?

images-eu.amazon.com
 
aba
2006-01-30 01:33:13 PM  
Jack Bauer does not get taken hostage. He is merely acting as one th throw off the terrorists.
 
2006-01-30 01:40:18 PM  
If Jack Bauer was taken hostage, al-Zawahiri is already dead.
 
2006-01-30 01:41:42 PM  
I'm sure Kim is going to screw things up somehow...
 
2006-01-30 01:41:59 PM  
DAMMIT! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST ME!
 
2006-01-30 01:42:07 PM  
Yea, my submission went through!

My life is complete now.

/24 in 10 hours.....
 
2006-01-30 01:42:12 PM  
did they at least get #2?
 
2006-01-30 01:42:15 PM  
Arent we tired of looking like a bunch of ham-fisted clods yet?


/embarrased
 
2006-01-30 01:42:25 PM  
The following takes place between 1pm and 2pm
 
2006-01-30 01:42:38 PM  
Beware the Flank Two position!
 
2006-01-30 01:42:41 PM  
Jack Bauer once ate a bottle of sleeping pills, it made him blink

/see you all later tonight
 
2006-01-30 01:42:58 PM  
We knew this already, and given the articles depth, I am guessing the sole reason this was greenlighted was to incur a flamewar and prevent people from doing what they are paid to do: working.
 
2006-01-30 01:43:00 PM  
I find it img.fark.com that he called Bush a "butcher" because the strike killed 13 innocent Pakistanis...
 
2006-01-30 01:43:22 PM  
AL-ZAWAHIRI IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME
 
2006-01-30 01:43:34 PM  
OK first four comments all win a prize, and I ruin the winning streak :(
 
2006-01-30 01:43:35 PM  
Well, yeah, we missed Zawahiri because he decided not go to dinner at the place we blew up, canceling at the last minute.

We still killed four al Qaeda senior officers though:
* Al-Maghribi: Believed to be al-Zawahiri's son-in-law and to be involved in al Qaeda's media relations operations.

* Al-Sayid Umar: Also known as Abu Khabab al-Masri. A leading al Qaeda bomb-maker and instructor, who is believed to have trained suicide operatives for several anti-U.S. strikes -- including the attack against the USS Cole in October 2000.

* Habib: Reportedly al Qaeda's operations chief in the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region. Believed to have helped plan assassination attempts against Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf. Close ties to Abu Farj al-Libi, who was arrested in Pakistan in May 2005.

* Al-Masri: An Egyptian, believed to be in charge of planning attacks against coalition forces in eastern Afghanistan.

Talk about looking at the glass half full.
 
2006-01-30 01:43:42 PM  
Since I can't post images for some reason, I want to all to close you eyes and visuallize a picture of Ayman Al-Zawahiri with a "Look at me, I'm an attention whore!" caption.

There, wasn't that funny? I'll bet you LOL'ed and Roffled all over yourselves. Anyone need a new keyboard?
 
2006-01-30 01:43:49 PM  
I see your Chuck Norris and I raise you:

www.neijia.net
 
2006-01-30 01:44:00 PM  
Curses, foiled again!

We should make al-Zawahiri into a famous rock star, then he'll just die of a heroin overdose, and we'll all be safe again!
 
2006-01-30 01:44:17 PM  
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris met one day for coffee. The Starbucks kid forgot to swirl the caramel clockwise, the way Chuck likes it. And he never asked Jack if he wanted a dusting of cocoa powder.

They never found the body.
 
2006-01-30 01:45:12 PM  
He probably made the tape after cleaning the shiat out of his Fruit of the Looms ...
 
2006-01-30 01:45:41 PM  
So can someone compile a list of the Chuck Norris and company (ie Seagal et al)?

Im getting confused
 
2006-01-30 01:46:00 PM  
Someone call Samwise. He seems to be able to get things done (unlike Merry who is now stranded on an island, has a heroin problem and carries babies into the ocean.)
 
2006-01-30 01:46:09 PM  
Alright, I'll bite. WoodenTaco - do you have a SOURCE for this? You may well be 100% right - but I'd like to know where you got that from. Tx.
 
2006-01-30 01:46:18 PM  
The Chuck Norris bit isn't funny anymore. As if it was once.
 
2006-01-30 01:46:29 PM  
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

One of thirty random facts about Jack Bauer found here (pops).

/some of them are not funny
//a lot are
 
2006-01-30 01:46:30 PM  
"Profitipps zur Selbstverteidigung"!
German may be the coolest language in the world...
 
2006-01-30 01:46:30 PM  
No way Steven Seagal is better than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sparred with Bruce Lee while Steven Seagal requires a diaper to pee!
 
2006-01-30 01:46:37 PM  
The sad part is that Bush thinks he really has people like Jack Bauer working for him, and that if he gets better writers, his ratings will improve. He is sadly, sadly mistaken. Can't wait until his show gets pulled of the air.
 
2006-01-30 01:46:38 PM  

Here's what I have to say about Chuck Norris:

Your characters supposed to be 40
But you have to be at least 80
The make-up department should win an emmy
For making people think your alive

Chuck Norris- you're really farking old

You're the worst singer I have ever heard
You're even worse than I am
You should be climbing out of a grave
While you sing the farking theme song

Chuck Norris- you're really farking old

You look like you just got embalmed
And were shopping for a coffin
Your partner looks farking stupid
Being black and wearing a cowboy hat


Actually, it's the source of countless points of wisdom, the band Anal Coont. But I share their sentiment.
 
2006-01-30 01:46:46 PM  
Only a few hours till 24 is on....

/can't get her fast enough
 
2006-01-30 01:46:50 PM  
We really need to nuke Pakistan from orbit, just to be sure.

/Allie? Yeah, right.
 
2006-01-30 01:47:14 PM  
But I thought the US wasn't aiming for him at all - they just like to launch missiles at houses? and fuzzy bunnies, too
 
2006-01-30 01:47:21 PM  
GREAT headline submitter... made me laugh out loud!
 
2006-01-30 01:47:25 PM  
I see your Steven Segal and raise you a...
www.hokutonoken.it

DOLPH LUNDGREN!
 
2006-01-30 01:47:45 PM  
The_Y2P_Problem

I see your image and raise you Audio
 
2006-01-30 01:47:46 PM  
elchip

I find it [ironic] that he called Bush a "butcher" because the strike killed 13 innocent Pakistanis...

Just because Al-Quaeda killed lots of innocent Americans doesn't give America free reign to kill lots of innocent Arabs. By doing so America is just stooping to their level. And America wouldn't do something like that, because it is a peaceful nation that resorts to violence only a last resort.
 
2006-01-30 01:47:58 PM  
Actually, it's the source of countless points of wisdom, the band Anal Coont. But I share their sentiment.

"I Heard You Were Pregnant So I Kicked You In The Stomach"
"Van Full of Retards"
"Technology is Gay"

Ah, the classics.
 
2006-01-30 01:48:04 PM  
I always thought the clock sound was:

beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.

/the following occurs between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM
//events occur in real time
///stroke-her and boob
 
2006-01-30 01:48:09 PM  
Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
 
2006-01-30 01:48:47 PM  
2006-01-30 01:42:58 PM Boomslang wrote:
I am guessing the sole reason this was greenlighted was to incur a flamewar and prevent people from doing what they are paid to do: working.

Aw, c'mon. Don't be such a wet blanket.
Besides, (insert inflamatory political statement of choice here)
*looks over shoulder in boss's direction
 
2006-01-30 01:49:07 PM  
Owwww submitter you pushed a diet cherry pepsi through my nose with your "boop beep"
 
2006-01-30 01:49:37 PM  
Kurt Thomas LAUGHS at your puny Lundgren

www.movieposter.com

Now stand back or he'll fly around on the pommel horse a few times.
 
2006-01-30 01:49:49 PM  
So we get a fresh video proving Ayman al-Zawahiri is still alive, but no one has seen OBL live in years?

Wonder where he's buried.
 
2006-01-30 01:49:51 PM  
Good tagline.
 
2006-01-30 01:50:03 PM  
elchip: "butcher" because the strike killed 13 innocent Pakistanis...

...and he didn't even mention the over 30,000 Iraqi civilians slaughtered so we could get the WMDs, remove Saddam, install our system of government at gunpoint.
 
2006-01-30 01:50:13 PM  
Boomslang: Just because Al-Quaeda killed lots of innocent Americans doesn't give America free reign to kill lots of innocent Arabs. By doing so America is just stooping to their level. And America wouldn't do something like that, because it is a peaceful nation that resorts to violence only a last resort.

I know. But it's still ironic.
 
2006-01-30 01:50:15 PM  
elchip: I find it that he called Bush a "butcher" because the strike killed 13 innocent Pakistanis...


It's ok....They were brown skinned. move along
 
2006-01-30 01:50:20 PM  
MsStressa: Owwww submitter you pushed a diet cherry pepsi through my nose with your "boop beep"


Ahh... I haven't had a good reverse cherry push in a while.

Then again, i'm not as young as I once was!
 
2006-01-30 01:50:49 PM  
The new tape looks like it was filmed in a TV studio.
They used overhead type professional lighting.
So he was:
Somewhere with electricity
Somewhere civilized enough to have photographic lighting.
The picture was also done with decent quality.

I found that fairly odd compared to other videos they have released..
 
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