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(Arcata Eye)   World's best police blotter updated today   ( divider line
    More: Followup  
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8521 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 May 2002 at 8:52 PM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

54 Comments     (+0 »)

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2002-05-21 08:59:58 PM  
Not sure which was funnier -- "the dank, urea-drenched ambiance" of a back alley or "Wow, a parking spot downtown!"...
2002-05-21 09:00:32 PM  
"2:32 p.m. That's it - she's getting Caller ID on her phone."

2002-05-21 09:01:44 PM  
12:17 p.m. HSU Police asked for assistance in arresting someone known only as "Iggy."

[image from too old to be available]

This was the picture sketch artists came up with.
2002-05-21 09:02:50 PM  
8:43 a.m. A man called 911 at 8:43 a.m. because he was out of beer, and that's an emergency.

You mean that's NOT an emergency?
2002-05-21 09:03:02 PM  
"A she-ex complained that he-ex was late an hour late returning their embattled spawn. When he did show up, he-ex's car was belching smoke, and that seemed like a valid excuse."

He took a class in "Adjective Over-use 101"
2002-05-21 09:03:07 PM  
"swelligant", that's pure GOLD. As are the limmericks. Excellent, I'd highly recommend AAA+++
2002-05-21 09:04:49 PM  
you beat me to it Dannyweb

luckily I will not be making any calls to the local constabulatory tonight
2002-05-21 09:05:35 PM  
Spamzilla: Has giving out eBay positive feedback destroyed your mind?
2002-05-21 09:06:19 PM  
2002-05-21 09:08:26 PM  
Very nice. I just wonder why the guy writes poems about dogs.
2002-05-21 09:09:47 PM  
Why The fark does he rhyme? Is that necessary?

4ll y0ur 8l06 4r3 83l0n6 70 m3!!!1
2002-05-21 09:10:39 PM  
"8:13 p.m. A swelligant, elegant party in the 2500 block of Eye Street required police intervention.

8:19 p.m. Still more child custody complications.

10:22 p.m. A live band was reported in the 2500 block of Eye Street.

10:45 p.m. A pizza palace was paintball-splattered at 11th and K streets.

10:54 p.m. Back to Eye Street for more party-tastic action."

sounds like my kinda party !!

2002-05-21 09:11:14 PM  
"A cataclysmic clash of wills took place in the drive-thru lane at a Valley West burger stand, with one point of view articulated by a sub-orbital soda"

2002-05-21 09:14:56 PM  
Tuesday, April 23 12:15 a.m. A person passing through the 1100 block of K Street came upon a shopping cart in the roadway. When he went to move the obstruction, a bearded figure approached in a state of defensive aggression, as though the citizen were a competing Neanderthal attempting to steal a fresh heap of carrion. Grasped in the bearded one's hand was that timeless symbol of humanity - a fist-clenched stick, with which the passerby was warded away from the marooned cart. Police were called, arrived and were "out with cart," but the bearded one, his stick, pea coat and baseball cap were nowhere to be found.

Sure tops the Police Beat in my university newspaper.
2002-05-21 09:15:03 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

They sell shirts celebrating the paper's police blotter.
2002-05-21 09:16:02 PM  
An intresting one from the 12-4-01 blotter

1:05 p.m. A man at the front counter said
An antenna'd been placed in his head
Is it yours? he asked cops
And with that, wandered off
To get back, one would hope, on his meds.
2002-05-21 09:16:05 PM  
This one is still the best:

"8:17 p.m. His ass afire, he swore he'd never befoul another can of Pringles."

Man, that makes me laugh.
2002-05-21 09:26:57 PM  
I love the police blotter in this newspaper.... I think the writer trying to interpret the police log deserves his/her 911 12 pack!

And knowing Arcata... and Humbolt County... one can only surmise what an unusual town it really is! And it truly is
2002-05-21 09:27:18 PM  
I like the classifieds from the same site:

TREE HUGGER MAN, 52, seeks tree hugger woman, 40-60, for friendship, maybe more. Call Gentle Wolf at 825-6503, noon to 8 p.m., for possible union of left-wing souls.

BALD-HEADED, MIDDLE-AGED, Political wingnut. Depressed, ant-social with failing health. Letfs sit around and mope! Call Dave, 825-8767.
2002-05-21 09:34:22 PM  
"5:02 p.m. The more percussive phonemes in someone's 800-word vocabulary were hastily cobbled together to insult an answering machine, which dutifully recorded the verbal abuse, then beeped in chipper acknowledgment"

The answering machine always gets the last word
2002-05-21 09:37:28 PM  
I don't see how this could be real. I mean, I guess they could publish this just in a special section, but I doubt it looks like this when published as the official blotter. Poems? Come on.

It's still funny though.
2002-05-21 09:40:35 PM  
8:43 a.m. A man called 911 at 8:43 a.m. because he was out of beer, and that's an emergency.

*Picks up phone*
2002-05-21 09:53:38 PM  
2:47 a.m. They may not have thought anyone would see them hop the fence into her yard, but a resident did, and called police. Police were there in a flash. Two were detained on scene, but the one dressed in black ran down the train tracks a ways before being caught. Chances are the public drunkenness, pot possesh and prowling charges won't show up on their resumes, unless there's a hiring fair at Sneaky Nitwit Corp.

They wouldn't hire me at Sneaky Nitwit Corp. :(
2002-05-21 09:54:11 PM  
If this is going to be a recurring submission on Fark, I am going to vomit.
2002-05-21 10:04:16 PM  
Screw real police blotters. 24 just ended. Aaaaaarrgh, dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit...
2002-05-21 10:06:59 PM  
12:48 p.m. If only people could know they were going to stay together or not before they procreate.

2002-05-21 10:24:13 PM  
I live just 7 miles away from Arcata!! I had to do a double take when it said Arcata Eye. You guys really would enjoy Humboldt State University's News Paper. Where else would you find a news paper that had the weekly "bong count"?
2002-05-21 10:39:50 PM  
Moetown link it would ya? I'd love to see a bong count :)
2002-05-21 11:17:44 PM  
I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.
2002-05-21 11:18:45 PM  
i don't get it
2002-05-21 11:22:57 PM  
BloodyL -- I don't see how this could be real.

this isnt the official police report, its the town newspaper's write-up of the police report, which is public record.

normally small newspapers report all the area incidents, but they never reveal names, identities, etc. people like to know when burglaries happen in their neighborhood, etc. the editor for this newspaper though makes a normally boring section fun to read.
2002-05-21 11:53:14 PM  
3:03 a.m. No, no, no. A valid driver's license, not a pocketful of pot, is what you need to drive Arcata's pothole-pocked streets. And as for you, buddy, some time in the drunk tank will surely make matters clearer. All alleged, mind you.
2002-05-22 12:37:27 AM  
*sigh* Unfortunatly its real, my IT unit at the University supports the Judical Affairs office, all we get in there is dumb students busted for doing dumb things. Today we had a student busted for dealing Pot out to 80 or so customers out of his dorm room!
2002-05-22 12:49:22 AM  
oh, this is where humboldt state is. no wonder they're so wacky.
2002-05-22 01:36:19 AM  
JOHNDX, UPD (University Police Department) at HSU really doesn't have a good online way to find it. You can sift thought the archives of the jack at however their site is HORRIBLE. Most local web sites for Humboldt County just suck....
2002-05-22 01:43:16 AM  
05-21-02 09:37:28 PM BloodyL
I don't see how this could be real. I mean, I guess they could publish this just in a special section, but I doubt it

Well, it is Arcata, so I don't doubt its reality. (I used to live in the area in the early 90s, and go back to visit occasionally). The Lumberjack does indeed have a weekly bong count, which makes sense. In Chico, the students usually drink. In Arcata, the students usually, um, smoke. :)
2002-05-22 03:40:54 AM  
It's real. I live in Arcata, and it's every bit as wacky as the blotter makes it out to be.

Heh. We're famous. Thomas Pynchon lived here for a while, too.
2002-05-22 04:45:10 AM  
12:44 a.m. If the measure of a party's success is the density of the broken bottles and cars parked on neighbor's lawns - and it is - then the bash on Old Arcata Road was as good as it gets.

2002-05-22 09:12:53 AM  
How come you all overlooked this one?

12:48 p.m. If only people could know they were going to stay together or not before they procreate.

So true, so true...
2002-05-22 10:11:01 AM  
12:48 p.m. If only people could know they were going to stay together or not before they procreate.

2:32 p.m. That's it - she's getting Caller ID on her phone.
2002-05-22 10:54:55 AM  
Okay, this is really weird...I used to live there...even went to HSU.

2002-05-22 11:25:33 AM  
Moetown: I totally forgot about the Bong count! That was the highlight of the paper for my wife and I! =) Thanks for the warm fuzzies.

2002-05-22 11:43:04 AM  
This one is pretty funny
2002-05-22 11:57:58 AM  
Damn we need an Arcata Fark Party, I didnt realize there were this many Arcata Farkers!
2002-05-22 12:23:19 PM  
LOL! Good 'ol Arcata, CA- coastal white trash hicktown!!! Good thing it's 150 miles North of here!!!

-he who stacks pork
2002-05-22 01:25:06 PM  
Can we PLEASE stop pimping this? Yeah it's funny and all, but enough already.
2002-05-22 05:43:54 PM  
I didn't know there were so many FARKers in Humboldt County (aside from the ones I've shown). Maybe a fark Humboldt party is in need.....
2002-05-22 07:55:35 PM  
Quick tally, how many Humboldt County Farkers are there?
2002-05-22 08:43:23 PM  
Two many.
2002-05-22 08:47:21 PM  
fark Humboldt party

Hehehehe. Humboldt County, home of the highest gas prices in the USA. PS, all farkers in Arcata, DO NOT RENT A HOME FROM JOHN TOSTE. Or for that matter, use Arcata Petro Mart (across for Blackjack) John who now only owns Arcata Petro Mart is a real piece of work. He loves to keep money from renters, and not fix anything. I can tell you guys HORROR STORIES from when he also owned Greenview Market that would make you sick.
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