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(Some Guy)   Farker needs advice. How do you cut off your kids when they move out?   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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13975 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2005 at 12:05 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2005-09-27 07:26:32 AM  
Has television taught us nothing? Hire a camera crew. Tell the kids it's a new reality show on Fox (not a stretch at all). They'll be competing for their weekly entitlement check.

Each week come up with more and more outrageous ways to try to "thin the herd". This is natural selection, so it's OK.

Week 1-Grab the check from a room full of wolves. The check is stapled to one of the alpha males scrotum.

Week 2-Pick up chicks at some sort of heavily-armed, ultra-feminist militia gathering. The one with the most phone numbers wins. The catch? Each sentence must begin with, "Hey biatch..."

Week 3-Grab the check off of the front of a Hummer driving down the highway.

Week 4-You get the idea.

The kids will undoubtedly think it's safe because the networks would never really put them in a dangerous situation. Bonus-Fox probably would buy this and you recoup the money you spent funding your spoiled brats' cell phones, rent, weed, inflatable dolls, etc. I get a 10% finder's fee.

Again, don't feel bad. Two hundred years ago, your kids would have been killed off anyway by predators, pitch-fork accidents, or dysentary. The real tragedy is there's no way to get rid of these bottom-feeders nowadays.
2005-09-27 07:26:54 AM  
Didnt read entire thread, but phase out paying for their stuff. First a bit off each... then a bit more... then a bit more... then when it's bout half, ask them if they can handle the rest. A collection agency has this tendancy to make people grow up pretty damn fast.
2005-09-27 07:29:54 AM  
Mine was folks told me that they couldn't afford college and that if I wanted to go, it was up to me. So, I took care of it by getting scholarships, living on campus, and working for beer/cigarette money. In some ways it sucked, but well over 1/2 of students live that way.

Say no more money and that's it. Don't even pay their tuition. They can take out loans and work for it. That's all there is to it. If they don't want to take out the loans to pay for school, then they obviously aren't 100% sure they want college in the first place and they can quit and get a factory job.
2005-09-27 07:37:19 AM  
I agree. You're not helping your kids by paying for everything. They're not going to learn anything but how to take handouts. I'm sure when they were born, you didn't envision having to take care of two moochers after they became adults. Your wife, if she caves, is just enabling them to take advantage of you both. Why should your kids ever change if you are making it so easy not to? There comes a time when kids have to grow up and make it on their own. Do you want to have to pay for everything for grandchildren, too? Do you want your kids to decide that even paying rent is too hard, so they just move back home?

My story:
My parents always promised me that they would pay for college, but when the time came...they never did. I had to take out loans to supplement the scholarships I got. I needed gas money and to pay my car note, so I had to get a part-time job as well. While I was in school, they did pay my car insurance. When I graduated from college, then I paid EVERYTHING. Personally, it gave me a feeling of independence and I knew that if something major happened, my parents could help me out (but I never took help from them.) Now that I'm in school again...I still pay for everything myself, except my mom has offered to pick up the cell phone, provided that there are never any overages. (I should mention, my parents are divorced, so that's why it's my mom helping me and not both of them.)

If your wife wants your kids to have the "life they're accustomed to" then maybe your kids should get better jobs or go to graduate school so they can eventually have all the money they want. There's just a time when you have to grow up and take care of yourself. They probably won't see the good in that until they're actually doing it though.
2005-09-27 07:37:26 AM  
make a sound like a rusty faucet being turned off, along with the motion, and tell them it's the money faucet a'closin.' that's what my parents did. after that, they just made the sound...
2005-09-27 07:40:42 AM  
Stop wearing clothes around the house.

After a good look at Dad's beanbag, those kids will be happy to go without.
2005-09-27 07:45:18 AM  
Will you adopt me? you're a bigger pushover than your wife!!
2005-09-27 07:48:05 AM  
Wow. When I went to bed last night, I didn't expect this to be greenlit. It's going to take a while to read.

Thanks for all the responses.
2005-09-27 07:48:06 AM  
Idly rub your crotch whenever the topic of money comes up.
2005-09-27 07:48:45 AM  
By giving them everything they need every time they ask you are really doing them a huge disservice. It goes way beyond you not having money for yourself. How are they going to learn self sufficiency?

The best thing? Stop. Don't be a jerk about it. Tell them why. They need to learn how to support themselves.

Next best thing. They get married and have a kid. That seems to be the turning point for most people - a point where they finally get/accept some responsibility.
2005-09-27 07:52:05 AM  
Don't ask a bunch of losers like us what to do. TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Tell them that you want them to be happy and healthy, but you want to travel. Unless they're selfish bastards (and you and your wife ARE married, aren't they?), they'll help develop a budget and plan to become less dependant on you.
2005-09-27 07:55:34 AM  
Many people with severe allergies die in their early 20s. This is because Epi-pens are expensive, and when cash is short, people let them expire or don't buy refills.

Make sure your kids are healthy.
2005-09-27 08:07:49 AM  
Start with a new address at a mail box store. Have all of your mail sent there. Everything.

Then move. Tell no one. Just pack and leave in one day. Leave no forwarding address, change the phone number and have it unlisted.
2005-09-27 08:10:53 AM  
How do you get them to move out with out being mean?
2005-09-27 08:11:04 AM  

Borrowed money from the parents starts needing to be paid back with interest when the kids reach majority and they're introduced to the adult world. I suggest that college be encouraged by not requiring payments until graduation (or dropping out, if that happens), but the money should absolutely be paid back.

If a little enforced responsibility makes a child resent their parents, it's all the more important that the parents stick to their guns because that is a major sign of immaturity. Teaching your children to be responsible with what they have so that they don't keep on running back to mommy for more money when they squander their own isn't bad karma or treating the children like crap. It's treating them like the adults they are. It's showing them the same sort of respect and placing in them the same sort of responsibility that all of society shows and places in them.

And what's with the silly age rant? The only thing I couldn't legally do until I was 21 was drink alcohol in public establishments.
2005-09-27 08:15:22 AM  
EmmaLou: On the contrary, if you don't help pay for your kids' education, I think they're likely to learn a lot less.

Sure, they may learn the "hard lessons" about life (I would imagine they already konw that money doesn't grow on trees). Now the question is, would you rather they learn something useful at school and get a good job, or would you rather they spend their time working menial jobs without a college degree just fending for themselves?

For reference, at least in my experience most college students between the ages of 18 and 22 are not fully self-sufficient. I'm not why everyone here expects these two to be.
2005-09-27 08:17:23 AM  
Airhed13: Or, the kids, when they grow up, end up spending the same amount of money on raising their kids, and so on and so forth, westward the wagons, throughout the generations, as the whole durn human comedy keeps on perpetuatin' itsself. (/Lebowski)

If you didn't want to bear the expense of raising kids, you shouldn't have had them. It's ridiculous to have children on the assumption that once they reach maturity, they'll pay you back for the whole expense.
2005-09-27 08:17:37 AM  
my view:

1) speak to wife
2) speak to wife
3) speak to wife and be sure she really agrees
4) speak to wife and convince her that she is not going to be a bad mother and remind her all the good she has done
5) speak to wife again, just to be sure
6) sit down and explain to kids the reason why and ask them if they think its fair (attempt to put the ball in there court), tell them how much they have cost you over the years, and ask if they are prepared to do the same.
7) speak to wife and take her on a nice holiday.

i think you get the point her, the weak link is the wife. But, suggest once a month the kids come over and she can cook a nice dinner etc. That way you are giving (not money) and mum can be mum.

Now if the kids moan about having to come over for a free meal and spend time with you.. what does that tell you?
2005-09-27 08:22:56 AM  
joe90: But again, the cost of childrearing is not a loan that you get back. When your kids turn 18, they don't start working to pay you back for all the thousands of dollars they've cost you up until that point. The suggestion is obviously insane.

Now, when your kids reach maturity, they do become a responsible part of the family unit. And as such, one would expect that if money is tight, they will willingly sacrifice their own lifestyle for the good of the family, and work to make money for the family. But I think ideally, in a loving and giving relationship, nobody is keeping a ledger of who has given more money to the upkeep of the family or asking for "loans" to be paid back with interest. Sure, they're legal adults (sorta), but they're in college--would it be better they were forced to work full time instead (supporting onesself entirely while in college is not only extremely hard, but it stands in the way of truly benefiting from the academics)?
2005-09-27 08:25:20 AM  

The children pay back the parents for all borrowed money/expenses incurred after the age of majority. I neither said, nor implied, that it should be all expenses since the child was born.

Typically, this also excludes the typical family gatherings where nobody pays any money either (Christmas dinners, family reunions, that sort of thing). Especially because the recently matured child makes contributions to such get-togethers in a manner similar to all the other adults (be it by bringing a dish for the potluck format, or whatever).
2005-09-27 08:26:03 AM  
(0) I don't think the posters who said 'You raised them wrong' are doing much good; what is done is done. When someone in error sees the truth, we should not chastise her/him for past error, but rather congratulate that person for seeing truth.

(1) You must get you and your wife on the same page. A marriage should be a united front, certainly on an issue as important as this. (Reasonable people can disagree on what the man's leadership role means and it will be different in every marriage.)

(2) Your kids are used to a certain standard of living, and most people get annoyed if their standard of living goes down. So the parent-child relationship will be hurt at least slightly. The damage however should not be permanent.

(3) With that said, it is important to expect them to contribute $1-2k p/a and take a loan of perhaps $1-2k p/a. In this manner they will not be broken financially and will have some concrete stake in their education. Right now my plan would be to contribute, for five years, as much as annual tuition is at the University of Virginia less say $2 or $3k which I would expect my hypothetical student offspring to pay. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford that. I might reconsider if they have a chance to go to an Ivy, but to go to some run of the mill private school?

(4) It is important that your kids begin saving immediately. I am 29, I only wish that I had started saving or otherwise increasing my net worth (paying down debt early is as good as saving) at an earlier age with greater consideration of the future. Fortunately, I lived within my means, but just did not think to save beyond the "oh, I will have 6% of my income put into my 401k."

Have your kids open an account with Emigrant Direct, ING Direct or some other online bank that pays decent interest rates (make it an IRA account if at all possible). Opening an IRA with a broker makes no sense until they have about $5k or so. After that, different strategies can be utilized.

For every dollar they are able to save from their salaries, contribute a dollar to their savings account. This might be a nice tradeoff/concession for cutting off their extraneous nice-to-have-wants-but-not-needs and will do them more long-term good.
2005-09-27 08:29:35 AM  
Oh i know that.. its came across wrong.. soz.

i ment explain that its time they took more responisbilty as they may well have children soon..

Just maybe explain you love them, and were willing to pay the costs as money wasn;t relvent to the love and joy they bring. (plus the bad times) but now as they have both left home we would like some time to do things we want to do..
2005-09-27 08:31:01 AM  
a. If they are college students LOCALLY, they should either support themselves completely if they have chosen to live off campus, in their own apartments. If they can't afford the apartment, utilities, food and extra's, they are in over their heads and should reconsider the decision, move back home and pay for what they can afford.

b. If they are college students away and renting apartments, they should look into dorm housing, lose the extra expenses and suck it up.

My son is 18, earned scholarships for his entire first year, has a savings account he compiled through some of our guidance, has a limited use cell phone and a car we supplied that he only uses when home from school. He is, basically self sufficient, well fed, well dressed, getting an education and happy. He never asks for cash, we help him with expenses (Car repairs and insurance) but he contributes as well.

You kids are spoiled, feel entitled and need to have a reality call.

I have a very dear friend who gave his son everything while in college and now at 27, his son is STILL coming home with his hand out for rent, clothing and such, and he has a job, lives in manhattan with his significant other. If you don't cut the cord soon, you too will be tethered to money pit child forever.
Lif eis tough and we all should learn to pay our own way. Your kids need to learn this before tey become a drain on your retirement.
2005-09-27 08:31:28 AM  
To be quite honest I would require an accounting of every penny they made t their jobs before I gave 'em another cent.

Like I told my daughter,

I will pay for her tuition if she is getting an education that leads to a marketable skill. A major in art does not qualify.

She can attend a college close to home and continue to live rent free, provided she can still follow the rules of the house.

If she has the money to purchase pot, alcohol, and cigarettes, then she has the money to purchase her own clothes and pay her cell phone bill, as well as help pay utilities and groceries.

If she wants to date some piece of shiat gangsta wanna be punk then she can expect no support from me whatever. I'm not paying the bills for scum.

2005-09-27 08:33:00 AM  
I'm 18 now, I'm a full-time student with a full-time job. I pay for my own gas, non-tuition schools related things, my cell phone bill, insurance, and pretty much everything else BUT rent.

But I still live at home, and I know the second I move out, rent's gonna be tacked on to my list of bills each month too.

It's kinda hard to believe that your wife is getting on you about not wanting to support your 23 y/o, maybe the 18 y/o I could see. But when does she think that they need to start taking care of themselves?
2005-09-27 08:33:32 AM  
J_O_M I for one hope there will be a "follow up" with your take on what you will be doing after this with respect to your situation...
2005-09-27 08:35:54 AM  
KrispyKringle you may or not agree:

currently i like fast cars.. i have a very nice sport car. (im 30 at the mo, and had fast cars for 10 years)

However, i really want children, and i know that fast cars and children do not work (i cannot afford both) so the cars are going, im fine with that as kids will bring more joy what racing cars around the track.

However, when they leave in 18+ years (of there own choice, and with an education) I will want to have a nice sport car again.. (pushing 50ish god damn it).

Is that fair. ? Obviouly i will still treat them, bring them round for dinner, buy nice xmas presents and so on but i am not going to carry them..
2005-09-27 08:39:03 AM  
I am 24 years old.

I am paying off my own student loans.

I paid for my FIRST car all by myself with no help.

I pay my own car insurance.

I pay my own cell phone bill.

I pay my own rent.

Why are you treating your kids like little biatches?
2005-09-27 08:40:05 AM  
Holy God. I work at Best Buy, and all day long all through August all we had coming in were parents buying stuff for their kids for college. OK, a mini fridge - fine. A computer - eh, I paid for my first, but I would buy my kid one. Even a laptop - it's for school. Then they roam into my department, and invariably snot-nosed 18-22 year olds are pointing at the 60 gig iPods saying, "that one".

No farking "Please, I really want it, it can be my Christmas present? I love you daddy!" No batting of eyelashes. No promises to write home, or do chores, or get good grades. No. Not even those token gestures of appreciation were present.
Just "That one." or "That's the one I want." Point, grab, expect for daddy to fork over $400.00 for a music player. Right after daddy forked over $1500.00 for a computer, $120.00 for a fridge, $70.00 for a microwave, and probably $300.00 in cd's and dvd's. Nine times out of ten, after it was rung up, paid for and in the bag, no thank you or anything. Just, "I'm hungry - where are we eating?" Or "I'm tired, I want to go home."
Ungrateful little shiats. And I am 25 - in school, paid my own way through private high school, bought myself a car when I turned 18, wound up giving it to my mom because she was in bad financial shape and buying myself another, bought my mom a new furnace for her house, and am now working, in school, put my husband through his master's program, have my car paid off, and own a house. And two cats to boot.
I will never, ever understand this culture of entitlement. My kids are going to work for every dime - they want allowance? Get your ass out back and mow the lawn, and pick the sticks up before you do it. And make sure to bag up the grass and rake. You want something frivolous like an iPod? Here is one thing every kid over 13 can do - babysit. I earned $4500.00 in ONE summer babysitting - I paid my way through private high school with that cash, while my brother and sister went to the local piece of shiat public high school, where they both almost wound up being dropouts.
Point is, the more you coddle them, the less they respect you and the less you respect yourself. Grow a backbone, and stop the gravy train. Tuition is the ONLY thing you should be paying for, and that is damn generous of you. My dad offers to pay my tuition, but I have only ever borrowed money from him (once!) and had it paid back in full less than 45 days later. Kids like your kids are what is wrong with America and society. Hopefully you will quit spoiling them before they go completely rotten.
2005-09-27 08:41:29 AM  
I'm about the same age as your kids, and from what I've read, it seems that I may be in a similar situation. I was raised much the same; I never worked while I was in school.

Why not? It's not laziness. My parents always made it understood that as a student, my priority was to be my grades. They've also made one thing abundantly clear; when I graduate, I am on my own. That's it.

Now, I don't know where your kids go to school. If it's nearby, the cars and the rent seems ridiculous. If it's far away, though, I don't think that's so bad. I go to school 2000 miles from home - no car though, but the rent's freakin expensive, so I'm grateful for that. My parents pay my tuition and my phone bill, because I do not have any substantial income during the year...

I'm used to a high standard of living. I won't try to hide that. I know full well that it's going to decrease starting in May. Why do I know this? For one thing, I know that the purse strings are getting cut after what will be 22 years. I suggest that you make it known to your eldest child that the fun time is over when they graduate school. You've bought them a car - that's more than I'm going to get. I hope they've got a job lined up, but if not - your help should be limited to using your business contacts as networking, rather than using your hard-earned money to support them.

I still ask for lunch money. It's nothing to be ashamed of. However, if your children can pay their rent, it's worth thinking about what else they should pay for, so congratulations for recognizing that. I realize now that I've assumed they're both full time students. If they're not, I would expect them to provide a reason why that is so, and why they need to live on their own when they are not fully devoted to school. Not knowing your exact situation, it's hard to advise.

Anyway, you'll need to be consistent. You may be on the hook for things for your 18-year-old that you bought for your 22-year-old. I think that's just part of fair parenting. But start cutting off the older one, please. Make sure they know when the support will be for things they NEED (say, if they got in an accident and couldn't work, for example) rather than for things they want (car, cell phone, beer money)
2005-09-27 08:41:53 AM  
Simple, if you love them, then DON'T cut them off, cheapskate. If they are desperate for money just help them.
2005-09-27 08:42:56 AM  
joe90: I never said you should carry them. But while they're in college, their full time job is to learn. If possible (if you have the means), your job as a parent should be to help encourage that education, because higher education is something we (as a society) tend to hold as a very important value (of course, if you don't feel that way, your decisions may change).

That's sort of the standard I'm going for here. I would expect a parent to, if necessary, shoulder the burden of things like education and health care, because we consider those to be very important values (the fact that many insurance companies consider children past the age of 18 to still be dependents if they are in college kinda proves my point about them not being expected to be making their own way). Obviously, cars and cocaine addictions are generally less valued pursuits, and I think submitter is well within the bounds of expectation to put his foot down on those things.

But here's another example: does submitter keep a ledger of everything his wife spends, and present her with a bill, with interest, at the end of the month? I wholeheartedly agree that once they are making their own way, they ought to pay their own way, but while they are in school, they are dependents (legally and practically), which means that if submitter can afford it (and it sounds like he can), he should encourage their education, not their resentment and the need to drop out of school to get a full time job.

Of course, we don't know all the details. Maybe they're lazy bums who just mooch off of him. Speaking of which, I have to get going.
2005-09-27 08:44:49 AM  

If you hadn't mentioned that you had a husband in that post, I'd be asking you to marry me right now.
2005-09-27 08:45:02 AM  
This thread is old so I don't know if you'll ever see this. Yea it sucks if your kids are mooching off you, BUT you should have told them in their teens what would be expected of them. As a teen I always worked so I always had money, even in college. IT isn't fair for your 18 yearold to think they have you to support them and then pull the rug out from under them. You should have brought this up years ago. And I ended up going to USNA so I wouldn't have my parents play the "we give you money so you have to do what we say you do"
card. Make it clear that if you give them support they have to do what you say they do.

How much money do you think an 18 yearold in college is going to earn in a parttime job that doesn't get in the way of studying? Figure that out and then figure out how much car insurance, clothing and food will cost them. With all that work out of the way set that as the time when to cut off the 18 yearold. Try to be fair, don't be a dick, these people may have to take care of you when you're old (don't come up with the old addage "well I took care of THEM. Remember your kids didn't ask to be born, they were your responsibility, you are not their's)

If the 22 yearold is done with school, tell him/her to find a job.

I also want to add to the chorus of people saying colleges EXPECT that the parents pay for college. So unless your kid got a scholarship you, and every hard ass on this thread will really screw your kid by not helping out with college.

My prespective on this is skewed. My husband and I are easily 200,000 in the hole since he went to medical school. But his parents gave him a lot of support (helped with a car). And if we have the money when our kids are at this point in their lives (and they're not busy being Euro trash on Newberry street) we'd give them the money for law or medical or graduate school (college too). It's hard making 30,000 as a resident and having very large loans looming in the future.

So, sorry your kids are sponging off you. Something to keep in mind though, kids that don't have to work summers can afford to take great, unpaid internships -- they will earn much more when they finish college than someone who took a job painting because it paid the cell phone bill.
2005-09-27 08:45:46 AM  
I see a whole lotta people saying the Just_one_more is a dick for not wanting to ffot the bill for his kids.

You people do realise that his kids have chosen to rent apartmentsn while in college (I.E. not really able to take on JOBS that can pay the expenses)?

They do not need to be renting apartments as students. They should either be in dorms, living at home or splitting a residence with 4 or 5 other students.

If Just_one_more was biatching about paying expenses like tuition , you could say he is being a dick but he is biatching about being asked to cover expenses his kids should not have yet as they are not entitled to have apartments since they can't afford to, as students.

This is a perfect example of kids spoiled. These kids aren't hard-up for money to survive, they are looking for handouts to support a lifestyle decision the realistically cannot afford yet demand.

Tyhey either need to move back home while attending school, get into a dorm or share a residence with several other students and live the lifestyle they CAN afford.

Considering their school is paid, cars are paid, they should be grateful they will have wheels and no debt when they graduate. Anything more is freeloading, plain and simple.
2005-09-27 08:46:04 AM  

FWIW, I moved out at 16. My parents helped out big time with college tuition and health insurance, but the whole point was that getting an education should land me a job to pay for the rest!

I think that you shouldn't be paying for things like their phones. Offer to pay for the calls they make home to you guys (give them a phone card for that, or something). Don't pay for their car insurance, but do pay for gas if they've got a 4-hour drive to come visit you on the weekend. Stuff like that.

Unfortunately (I'd like to see universal health care.), it's only practical that they stay on your health insurance until they have jobs that have good benefits. At least my experience was that the moment my health insurance lapsed I needed surgery.
2005-09-27 08:46:13 AM  
In my family, it is tradition to pay for your kids tuition to make sure they get off to a good start. My Grandpa paid for my fathers, my father is paying for me, and I plan on paying for my son or daughters, that's just how it goes.
2005-09-27 08:46:49 AM  

I worked Junior and Senior year in HIGH SCHOOL.

I worked EVERY semester while in college.

Now that I am in the real world, life is a hell of a lot easier than if my daddy wiped my ass while in college.
2005-09-27 08:47:19 AM  
I'm in agreement with everyone else here. Move them along in life or you will be stuck with them and tell you what: Their future spouses will HATE you for this "safety net" business you got going on. My ex was dumbfounded when he realized that his expected standard of living required more money than he earned! well Duh!

But what I really came in here to comment on was the "I don't know how they will afford housing after" comments. It is called roommates people. Living in Boston 20 years ago we needed 4 roommates to make the rent. What the hell! Where did the sense of "I get my own space at 22 y.o." come from???
2005-09-27 08:47:32 AM  
boylston correct.. did the same as you.

Now soon as my kids are old enough to work they will, and i will take a percentage of that money for them to put towards a car (espically boys). Then when they get enough money for a car I will double it (not tell them this) and they will get a really nice car. Hopefully they will learn the value of money. (work hard + save = get rewarded)

If not they will prob spend all the cash they earn or crap then want a car and:

a) expect me to buy them one
b) get a cheap/dangerous one
c) moan it breaks down all the time

Hence my way they learn the value of money, and will get a safe reliable car that I will not worry so much about them in it.
2005-09-27 08:47:58 AM  

Please let everyone know how this works out in a couple months or so - sounds like a lot of good advice here.

...I'm not a parent (yet), but I don't think you ever stop taking care of your children (to some degree).

best of luck.
2005-09-27 08:48:19 AM  

Not sure what planet you went to college on, but apartments are a fark load cheaper than dorms.
2005-09-27 08:49:39 AM  

Plain and simple, if you want to treat your child like an assfark, dont have sex and dont have kids...

To those parents who already have kids, Give it up for adoption if you`re gonna biatch and moan about giving them money.

Oh yeah by the way, the silly age rants, arent you one of those people who believe that once you are 18 you are an adult? Yeah, right...why dont we tell that to the cashier who checks the ID at the local gas station.
2005-09-27 08:49:42 AM  
It's just a matter of how you raise your children. I guess I was spoiled back during my childhood in Brazil, but my parents have always helped me out. I never had a fixed allowance, I would just ask money from my dad and he'd give me some. Now there were different ways I could approach this situation: I could either milk the deal and run to him all the time, or I could be consciencious and be frugal with this money. Obviously I chose the latter.

Then it was time to come to college, and my parents paid my way through college in the US, since the educational system back in Brazil could have been very precarious. I chose to go to an affordable school (Indiana University of Pennsylvania, hah!), got jobs while I was there to ease their burden. I graduated without debt and went on with a full ride to a PhD program at Ohio State, then I failed that but got a consolation MA, and now I have just finished my third week at a good job for the federal government in DC.

I have no debt other than about $2K in moving expenses on a credit card that I expect to pay off in no more than 3 months. Yet, my parents still offer to help me. I refuse to take their help unless I absolutely need it. This help is also extended to my brother and sister, and my parents are by no means wealthy. They probably net a composite US$25,000/yr, which is comfortable middle class in Brazil.

So Just_One_More, I think you have to ask yourself: are you helping your children, or are you being exploited by them? Parents take joy in helping their children; it's their responsibility as long as the children need the help. If you feel like you're being exploited, tell them that you feel that way, but let them know that you are willing to help them if they need you and you can help. If you raised them right, how could they not understand that?

Good luck, fellow farker.
2005-09-27 08:51:53 AM  
But here's another example: does submitter keep a ledger of everything his wife spends, and present her with a bill, with interest, at the end of the month?

Try not to be such a jerk. She probably makes more than he does and is subsidizing his weekend-warrior hobbies.
2005-09-27 08:53:14 AM  
If you can afford it, then that 18 year old is gonna be pounded in the ass with bad loans because they're ineligible for student loans. Pay the 18-year-old's tuition and leave the rest up to them. Consider paying their rent for the first year - if they're in a program that'll get them a non-shiatty job, then they'll be too busy to work during the school year anyways. For example, engineers make decent bank in the summer, but not to many of them work nights. If they're going into arts, they'd better get that barista job they've always wanted, 'cause that's what they'll be doing when they graduate too.

And why'd you buy them a car?
2005-09-27 08:53:30 AM  

I fail to see how treating my children who've reached the age of majority as mature and responsible adults is the same as treating them like assfarks. Could you explain that to me?
2005-09-27 08:54:15 AM  
Not that you're even reading this far down the post anymore, but I am 20 years old.
My parents have agreed that they will pay for my education and room & board while I'm at school. They request I pay for my car insurance, and anything on my cell phone bill over a basic overage.
The rub: I'm not going to school.
Thus, I instantly become responsible for:
Car Insurance
Health Insurance (not covered by their policies)
Car Payments (my car loan is entirely in my name, as is the car)
Eating Out

I'm still living at their place, so the "rent" is quite cheap (Less than $300) but I plan on moving out soon. Now, I don't *want* my parents to pay for everything. I don't mind paying my own way--that's why I insisted on having the car loan entirely on me. It's a pride thing, really.

I also make $40/hour (but only work about 50-60 hours a month) so that helps me quite a bit.

Bottom line, they gave me the heads up with what they were willing to handle and they've informed me that they're there if I need help. Case in point: My car got broken into. My dad told me he'd help with the deductible or anything if I needed it, but I didn't so I just paid it myself.
2005-09-27 08:55:27 AM  
I don't know. I'm 19 and a college student myself. I visit my parents for about three weeks a year (from school term to work term twice, and then christmas) and I pay everything. My parents treat me as a houseguest when I'm here. I'd suggest weaning them by not renewing any contracts for cell phones and such and telling them about it now. They can either work more, pay less rent, or take out loans. Like the rest of us, actually. The 22 year-old at least, but the 18 year old could make it too, perhaps without the latest in bluetooth-enabled, high resolution picture phones, but I'll bet they survive.
2005-09-27 08:56:03 AM  

Where do you go to school? Harvard? Yale? Princeton?

My sons dorm is 1,700.00 per semester, annually, that is 3,400.00 for "Rent" in the dorm. Were he to rent an apartment, he would be paying between 650.00 - 900.00 per month, based on an 8 month school year, that is 5,200.00 - 7,200.00 for rent. Add to that that many apartments now ask tenents to pay some or all utilities.

How is YOUR statement even remotely accurate?
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