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(Tampa Bay Online)   Concerned Mormon friends erect billboard with photos and biographical info of their 31-year-old bachelor Mormon friend in attempt to find him a bride -- because he's "approaching a status as the male-equivalent of an Old Maid"   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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16499 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Jul 2005 at 3:27 AM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

133 Comments     (+0 »)

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2005-07-24 06:53:53 AM  
Mara See Mara Do:

2005-07-24 04:45:23 AM Mara See Mara Do

And why the everloving hell is my name blue?

Because you touched yourself.
2005-07-24 06:59:19 AM  
Abzzstain: Because you touched yourself.

Hehe. True and somewhat smutty. Best comment so far.
2005-07-24 07:08:20 AM  

lol, thanks! Old habits die hard I guess.

But that said, All of my friends would die slow gruesome deaths it they put my loser single ass up on some billboard. I can't stand to even get hooked up by my many times have I heard "Oh I have this friend...." And friend ends up to be i.e....getting over previous girlfriend, has mommy abandonment issues, has a couple baby mamas....Yeah. Hmmm maybe I need new friends. Sounds like Lance Archibald does too.
2005-07-24 07:42:56 AM  
How pissed would you be to have your single, sorry, loser ass plastered not only on a local billboard, but on the intrawebby thing too? Co-workers should invest in Kevlar vests.
2005-07-24 07:44:57 AM  
Could it be that Lance is GAY?
2005-07-24 07:55:06 AM  
His friends did this because they are all married, and misery loves company.
2005-07-24 07:56:06 AM  
"Read my lips: Mormons are nice but nuts. And why do they have a picture of him with a stethoscope around his neck? He's not a doctor, right? That's kind of, um, weird. Like, is that for Halloween or kinky boning or what?"

[image from too old to be available]
2005-07-24 07:58:37 AM  
Also be sure to check out his videotaped reaction to the project (caution, "language"):
2005-07-24 08:10:55 AM  
Never mind, the FAQ page answers the question about the stethoscope.
2005-07-24 08:25:28 AM  
31 an old maid? I can't imagine getting married that young.
2005-07-24 08:42:20 AM  
Wait...I'm an old maid? Damn, I was just getting ready to hit on blondietrix.

/only ever known 3 guys named Lance, and they've all been gay.
//not that there's anything wrong with it.
2005-07-24 08:58:44 AM  
They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian.
2005-07-24 09:24:27 AM  
I just watched the video reaction.

I can't tell if he is teh ghey or mormon.

//leaning towards teh ghey
2005-07-24 09:33:45 AM  
I think I found his perfect mate!

/LogoWorks did the logo for my new company - very professional and well-done
2005-07-24 09:34:49 AM  
Come on - It's obviously a marketing campaign for Logoworks.
2005-07-24 09:39:47 AM  
Hey... why not do this? He's going to become a C list celebrity and probably end up marrying someone hotter than he otherwise would have. I say it was pretty ingenius.
2005-07-24 09:40:15 AM  
Also it's a recuitment campaign - the right sidebar stays throughout the site. "Look how well we treat our staff"
2005-07-24 09:47:30 AM  
I look forward to the day where in Utah a homosexual man can find his soul mate then adhering to the tenets of the Morman church, marry him.

Imagine the torment of being gay, having to lie to your willfully blindered "friends" while they concoct a embarrassingly naive plan to get you somehow hooked up with a desperate, eager to compromise woman.
2005-07-24 09:56:09 AM  
A Harvard MBA? Imagine how difficult that must have been for him, surrounded by the infidel!
2005-07-24 10:01:26 AM  
What a bunch of ninnies. Getting married and having kids is the pinnacle of life for these morons. These people need a good burning at the stake.
2005-07-24 10:15:50 AM  
I'm_a_moran: A Harvard MBA?

What's even more difficult to picture is a Morman living in the People's Republik of Cambridge, Massachusetts. I wonder what he thought of the giant billboard of those two hot sweaty cowboys?
2005-07-24 10:18:24 AM  
Lance is tall, reasonably good looking, has an mba from harvard, so either he is gay or didn't want to get married in the first place. Ya'll are probably right. Gay
2005-07-24 10:19:18 AM  
It's not all that uncommon for the more devoutly religious of your circle of friends to want you to get hitched as soon as possible, so that you can get a piece of ass and of course, the obligatory baby-making. Me, I'd rather still get my joneses and not have to wear a ring until I'm ready, which makes me look pretty cool and even respected among my more devoutly religious friends, who can't imagine that I would ever consider premarital sex, . . . .
until I considered it with [Katie] who had just broken up with [Ryan] after three years of dating and nothing to show for it but some s*cked on t!tty. "What a way to open your eyes," she said.
I'm thinking Lance is teh Moromn, but I also think he's gonna be upset that all his friends are gonna end his boundless train of easy nookie.
2005-07-24 10:31:54 AM  
Yikes. I was going to post something like "what's the worst headline that a guy can see on his 31st birthday?" (mine's today), but damn. That's all I can say about you pack of giggling schoolgirls.
2005-07-24 10:58:24 AM  
1. Become a Mormom
2. Get friends to make billboard to get you dates
3. Profit!!!

There! I figured out the infamous Underpants Gnomes 3-steps-to-profit plan!

NOW, let's just see if I can get my head around the whole wacky religion thing, move to Utah and get some friends, then I can finally get chicks! YAY!
2005-07-24 11:01:22 AM  
All of you are jealous of the righteousness of the Mormon church! The South Park creators had it right that the only ones getting into Heaven are going to be Mormons. So, make your snide comments and prepare your soul for the fires depths of Hell that await you when you die! ...Oh, guys are right. He's probably gay.
2005-07-24 11:22:28 AM  
I like living in Salt Lake, but carry a seething hatred for anything that comes out of Utah County. All of Provo simply needs to die.
2005-07-24 11:24:41 AM  
I find it hilarious that South Park on the one hand makes the joke that only Mormons go to heaven, and on the other had an entire episode that debunked the Mormon cult.

South Park, oh how I love thee.
2005-07-24 11:29:42 AM  
Joining the Mormons is equivalent to putting your insanity on display to the world, good job.

Do us a favor, stay unamarried and thin out the gene pool.
2005-07-24 11:29:53 AM  
Morgan Lynch, co-worker and CEO of LogoWorks
I knew the first time I met with Lance that I wanted to hire him, but that he'd be the only person on our marketing team without a significant other.

2005-07-24 11:34:47 AM  
She's leading the pack...

[image from too old to be available]
2005-07-24 11:36:29 AM  

Hmmm...must be something about the name Lance that keeps them single for so long. The one I've been involved with for 3 years still won't date me, or anyone.

Hes just banging you, as one who has done that with a girl and who said she understood our relationship, then watched her get all nutty when I got serious about a woman that I met.

Bail out now. Save yourself weeks of asking "Why werent you good enough for him"
2005-07-24 11:36:45 AM  
"Angels in America" addressed this very thing.

Mormon goes to NYC, trys to stay in empty marriage, wife catches on, Mormon dude hooks up with gay guy, funny undies come flying off, buggery ensues.

I love that story...............
2005-07-24 11:39:11 AM  
Old statistic, but I doubt that it's changed.

Acording to the 1999 US Census, among US residents born in the 1970s (Lance's Generation) there are....
19.4 Million Men
18.8 Million Women

According to my Psyc 101 class(less reliable than the fist numbers) 87.4% of adults are in some form of relationship at any given time. That would mean there are 16.7 Million couples, and...
2.7 Million single men
2.1 Million single women

Maybe we should quit asking why there are Men still single into thier 30s and ask why there are women who still THINK that getting a date is tough.
2005-07-24 11:39:37 AM  
From his friend:

As a former menace to society myself, I want to help in any way I can. Ladies, he's a former collegiate basketball phenom, holds an MBA from a small school back east, and desperately needs to fill this last hole in his life. Heck, if I were a single woman, I'd beg to date this guy.

2005-07-24 11:44:13 AM  
he seemed pretty cool in the video. at least he had a sense of humor about it.
2005-07-24 11:51:48 AM  
Back when I was a Mormon growing up in Maryland, I was in the same ward (congregation) as the Archibald family. While I didn't know Lance all that well, he did seem like a pretty normal guy. My guesses on why he's not married (in order of likelihood):

1. He can't find anyone normal to date. Most LDS raised outside of Utah (and many raised in Utah) are fairly normal, well-adjusted individuals. Utah County (Provo, BYU) Mormons are a different breed, however. The culture is a cross between the Stepford Wives and the Taliban, so it can be hard to find a nice Mormon girl that isn't a little off.
2. He's a closet non-believer.
3. He takes it in the ance.

Regardless of the reason, whoever does end up marrying Lance is going to be one lucky guy/girl... Besides being a pretty successful guy himself, Lance's dad is CEO of Black & Decker, so they're pretty much set for life.
2005-07-24 11:54:30 AM  
Either way, this is terrific marketing. I'm quite impressed with his company's design talents AND viral marketing skills. Even if they couldn't care less about Lance, they'll get more eyeballs to their website in the next week or so that they've had in months combined. Very clever you LDS bastards, very clever.
2005-07-24 12:04:35 PM  
What's is it that makes a few normal, intelligent people into stupid, raging bigots when certain churches are discussed? Being a 30 year-old single Mormon does not in any way suggest homosexuality or fatal personality defects. The church does not screw up a lot of people beyond the ability to have a normal relationship. And, yes, I'm a 30 year-old single DLS guy. I'm quite straight and doing well enough personality-wise.
2005-07-24 12:05:36 PM  
Mara See Mara Do: And why the everloving hell is my name blue?

Because you said something way out of line earlier. I recommend that you keep it cool for a couple of days.

/c'mon, go with it guys ;)
2005-07-24 12:06:04 PM  
Ahem, make that LDS... LSD? No, LDS...
2005-07-24 12:24:20 PM  
NO ONE gets married any more. Not with this economy. Not unless they're on welfare anyway.

2005-07-24 12:45:37 PM  
Maybe he just realizes the encouragement to marry early and have a big family is just social engineering to increase the number of Mormons in the U.S.
2005-07-24 12:55:54 PM  
Another gay mormon being coerced into marrying a fat chick.
2005-07-24 12:57:52 PM  
1) There is nothing wrong with being 30 and single. I'm getting more play now (with freshly divorced women) than I ever did in college.

2) There is nothing more honorable than helping a friend get laid. Nothing. (see wingman) Lance is going to get a train of women, or men, out of this. I certainly hope that he goes and buys a beer for his friends every time he hooks up with another chick.

3) He probably likes it in the arse.
2005-07-24 01:00:07 PM  
if my friends ever thought about pulling some shiat like this, i think i would kill them all. instantly.

/damn it i like being single. money is a good thing. living my own life is a good thing. so on and so forth.
2005-07-24 01:03:48 PM  
Morgan Lynch, co-worker and CEO of LogoWorks
I knew the first time I met with Lance that I wanted to hire him, but that he'd be the only person on our marketing team without a significant other.


Heh. Strange priorities, eh.
2005-07-24 01:25:04 PM  
I give up, you guys caught me.

I'm a moran.
2005-07-24 01:49:42 PM  
Mormons at face value are just like any other person in this country, but having them as relatives, one does come to understand that they keep different definitions of normal for people part of the church and for thos who are not. For example, a mormon is considered weird by other mormons if:
- you've had pre-marital sex
- can talk about sex without flinching
- didn't go on a mission (more so for guys, not so much for girls)
- aren't married before 30 (though I have one relative who married after this age)
- married but have less than 3 children (4 if you live in Utah)
- are a democrat (or anything left of Bush for that matter, and yes I actually listened to someone proclaim this once when when I went to church)

If you are not Mormon then you can be all these things and at the very worst be met with a dissapproving look, and most of the time not even that much.

/likes mormons but glad I'm not one
2005-07-24 01:52:12 PM  
After piddling 'round the internets for a while I found this rather interesting account (pops) of a guy who decided to leave the Mormon faith...
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