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(fftimes.com)   Bear storms out of bushes and attacks man. Man opens can of martial-arts whoopass on grizzly bear, lives to tell about it   (fftimes.com) divider line 249
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49931 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 May 2005 at 7:29 AM (9 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2005-05-30 10:23:28 PM  
I saw that one. The guy finally got the freshly-caught salmon.

Wait, was that a commercial?
 
2005-05-30 10:26:57 PM  
Do you want karate?
 
2005-05-31 12:07:20 AM  
So... friends run, man tries to run, falls on his ass, and kicks the bear in its face when it tries to bite his arm?

Chuck Norris... LOOK OUT!
 
2005-05-31 12:25:55 AM  
That is pretty awesome.

Still not as good as the guy (ex-Marine, I think) who went into the surf after a shark that bit his nephew. He dragged it out of the water and killed it on the beach. That is TOUGH.
 
2005-05-31 12:30:18 AM  
I'm shocked that this guy's still alive.
The odds weren't on HIM to survive.
He prob'ly used honey
Like sweet, sticky money
And paid off the grizzly to dive.
 
2005-05-31 12:31:49 AM  
Those bears always fall for the "Look, and eagle" gag.
 
2005-05-31 12:48:25 AM  
"Brazilian martial arts" - did the guy use Capoeira on the grizzly????



He danced on the bear's ass?
 
2005-05-31 02:47:30 AM  
No way.

Bear was not hungry.
 
2005-05-31 03:04:25 AM  
 
2005-05-31 07:33:49 AM  
Doesn't sound like turning the other cheek to me.
 
2005-05-31 07:35:21 AM  
Hey Canada. Can you guys have handguns?

/wouldn't hike in bear country w/o a strong sidearm.

mr_a:

Still not as good as the guy (ex-Marine, I think) who went into the surf after a shark that bit his nephew. He dragged it out of the water and killed it on the beach. That is TOUGH.

Wow. Have a link?
 
2005-05-31 07:37:48 AM  
"Hey Canada. Can you guys have handguns?

/wouldn't hike in bear country w/o a strong sidearm."


But you'd piss off a 500 pound bear with a dinky handgun?
 
2005-05-31 07:39:22 AM  
I love the fact that this man was on a bible retreat. I don't know why, but that just makes it more amusing.
 
2005-05-31 07:40:40 AM  
 
2005-05-31 07:40:52 AM  
Simpson needed six stitches to close the wound from the bears bite and has a painful gash on his hip.

I knew a girl who had a painful gash on the inside of her hips, but her doctor gave her some medicine and it went away.
 
2005-05-31 07:43:37 AM  
"No, gentle ben!"
 
2005-05-31 07:46:07 AM  


VS



Winnar = Eddy.
 
2005-05-31 07:46:48 AM  
The hikers quickly ran in different directions, but as Simpson was trying to escape, he tripped and landed on his back.

Way to go, Ninja.

They said they thought a cub was in the area. Somehow I doubt that if this was true a kick to the face would chase off a mother bear.
 
2005-05-31 07:48:50 AM  
Way to go, Christians. farking up things once again, I see. Can't you just leave nature alone?
 
2005-05-31 07:51:41 AM  
Hmmm, on his back, kicks the bear in the face. Sounds to me like he just lashed out, got nothing to do with martial arts.

Ok, maybe his training as taught him how to kick effectively while lying on the ground, but it's not like he drew back into a fighting stance and fought the bear.
 
2005-05-31 07:52:44 AM  
Everybody was kung-Fu fighting....

DA-da-da-da-da-da-da

Those fists were fast as lightning...
 
2005-05-31 07:53:00 AM  
The right of the people to harm bears, shall not be infringed.
 
2005-05-31 07:53:32 AM  


Unavailable for comment
 
2005-05-31 07:55:13 AM  
Staticdistance

"Hey Canada. Can you guys have handguns?

/wouldn't hike in bear country w/o a strong sidearm."

But you'd piss off a 500 pound bear with a dinky handgun?


theres nothing dinky about a .44
 
2005-05-31 07:55:49 AM  
My shorts look like theyve been cut with scissors., he said.

My shorts would look like they were full of pudding.
 
2005-05-31 07:57:11 AM  
Staticdistance:

"Hey Canada. Can you guys have handguns?

/wouldn't hike in bear country w/o a strong sidearm."

But you'd piss off a 500 pound bear with a dinky handgun?


nuther Canuck here : first, yes, some of us have handguns [ I have both a .38 revolver and a 9mm Glock], and, second, those of us with handgun training and experience KNOW that life ain't exactly like the movies....with the greatest respect for mister Eastwood and the rest of movieland, if you dont make center mass, you got nuthin

and we have some BIG bears here in the gr8 white North
 
2005-05-31 07:57:21 AM  
"There's a bear in my oatmeal!"
 
2005-05-31 08:00:10 AM  
Of course, this dude was on a Bible retreat. In 'Kings' in the Bible, God sends two she-bears out to kill fourty two (42!) children for yelling at an old man and calling him bald.


23 [Elijah] went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" 24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys. 25 From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and thence he returned to Sama'ria.


Is this guy defying God's will? :)


/OMG BEAR
 
2005-05-31 08:07:53 AM  
Cooley
theres nothing dinky about a .44

I'll bet on Mr. 44 mag. everytime!
(lives in black bear country)
 
2005-05-31 08:10:12 AM  


The result of the Monkey Steals the Peach technique.
 
2005-05-31 08:15:20 AM  
 
2005-05-31 08:15:52 AM  
My buddy's dad was ice-fishing in Alaska when a Kodiak came up behind him, bit down on his collar-bone and upper back (with the guy's head completely in its mouth!), and picked him up off the ground. He had the presence of mind to jam a revolver in the bear's mouth next to his own head and blast the top of the bears head off, killing it instantly.
He lost all hearing in his right ear, but still fared relatively well, considering.
 
2005-05-31 08:16:44 AM  
Despite a "no firearms" law, when I went snowmobiling in Yellowstone back country I carried a pistol. If a wild "critter" attacks me, I'm not going without a fight.
 
2005-05-31 08:21:04 AM  
If the bear was holding a shark, it would have won.
 
2005-05-31 08:22:51 AM  
That is what you get when you love jesus and go bible camping. Some people just have it coming.
 
2005-05-31 08:23:58 AM  
My shorts look like theyve been cut with scissors., he said.

...while surreptitiously concealing a pointed metal object behind his back...

So... what, he kicked the bear in the face, it gave up and started crying? wtf?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2005-05-31 08:29:46 AM  
The hikers quickly ran in different directions, but as Simpson was trying to escape, he tripped and landed on his back.

Were his shoelaces tied together?

"I don't need to outrun the bear. I only need to outrun you."
 
2005-05-31 08:31:19 AM  
Snarfangel, Chenry:

I once had a co-worker who wanted to know how they taught that bear martial arts. Yeesh.
 
2005-05-31 08:35:18 AM  
This guy did exact what I would have done. If you're surprised by a bear, running won't help unless you're a long distance sprinter. climbing a tree can work but you have to be faster than the bear. If ever a mountain lion or bear were to attack me (living in colorado) I would seriously fight the thing with my fists and give it one hell of a thrashing...you never know, I might actually survive.
 
2005-05-31 08:35:21 AM  
Not sure what an overweight, hairy gay man has to do with this story.



/don't to a GIS for gay bear unless you like that sort of thing.


//not that there's anything wrong with it.
 
2005-05-31 08:35:33 AM  
damn, Maui Haui beat me to it.
 
2005-05-31 08:37:08 AM  
Sound lke a new bunch of B movies headed our way
 
2005-05-31 08:37:48 AM  
BearToy?
 
2005-05-31 08:39:08 AM  
The same thing happened to me but instead of Brazillian martial arts, I used the Brazillian forbidden dance The Lambada
 
2005-05-31 08:39:15 AM  
climbing a tree can work but you have to be faster than the bear.


You do realize that bears can climb trees.
 
2005-05-31 08:40:21 AM  


He was then allowed to cross the river.
 
2005-05-31 08:42:50 AM  
HEY! THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO!!!

One time, with a cute girl hanging out on a patio at a cabin in the mountains....heard some noise over by the front door, garbage can area, thought it was a raccoon...walked around the corner....and there we were...FACE TO FACE WITH A BEAR THE SIZE OF A SMALL CAR!!!!

My thought: "So..this is how I am going to die..."

I do not know why or where it came from, but I decided to start yelling at said bear like an old man chasing teenagers out of his front yard. Waved my arms around, used foul language, kept walking towards the bear trying to chase it away from the garbage can.

AND HE LEFT! (He got intimidated by me.)

I grabbed the girl, threw her inside the door quickly, and then stood in front of the door and continued to cuss at the furry vagrant until he went far away.

She stood behind the door, jaw on the floor, amazed I was such a cool headed hero and never showed any fear.

I WAS A BEAR INTIMIDATING STUD!

/still got no nookie tho
//she does tell other cute girls the story
///doesn't get me nookie either
 
2005-05-31 08:46:14 AM  
"23 [Elijah] went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" 24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys."

I don't know if that means the bear killed them exactly, sounds like she "tore" as in "tore them a new one."

Bible Scholars?
 
2005-05-31 08:46:33 AM  
You know, if you "I've got my .45 hyuk, hyuk" dumbasses didn't have guns to tote everywhere, you might just have to think about the consequences of your actions once in a while (namely walking around where there are animals that will happily eat your face). Surely there are other places you can walk in North America? Ones where large predators don't roam? Ever considered rambling in one of those places?

No, forget it, don't worry about the thinking, you just concentrate on the shooting.
 
2005-05-31 08:47:05 AM  
You do realize that bears can climb trees.

Not if they're dyslexic - they get to the tree and start digging.
 
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