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(Some Rocket Surgeons)   Drunk woman claims "none" when asked how much she had to drink, then falls off chair; man signs noise violation ticket "Jack Off" -- and other police blotter chucklers   (goletavalleyvoice.com) divider line 83
    More: Amusing  
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34016 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 May 2005 at 7:36 AM (10 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2005-05-23 11:22:55 PM  
That's the correct answer when asked "how much have you had to drink" by the police.
 
2005-05-24 12:34:26 AM  
If you say "none" and a breathalyzer proves otherwise do they get you for obstruction of justice too?

/doesn't trust the pigs
 
2005-05-24 12:55:40 AM  
I saw a "headlines with jay leno" where this one guy legally changed his name to "Heywood Jablowme"

/Now I must go console my girlfriend; Crystal Knockers. We're having Tex-Mex.
 
2005-05-24 01:33:43 AM  

[image from home.comcast.net too old to be available]

NONE!


Seriously. A friend of mine had to go through a DUI charge. Once she got an attorney the thing she got scolded the most for was talking. He told her she should have declined the breathalizer test, answered all of their questions as briefly as possible, fully co-operated, then STFU! Its like dealing with the IRS, answer truthfully but give them no free information.
 
2005-05-24 01:58:12 AM  
BearToy, when you post pics like that, you must apologise in advance and offer bleach to those that wish to sanitize their eyes. Just FYI.
 
2005-05-24 02:17:42 AM  
gopher321: when you post pics like that

Sorry. I didn't consider that. Since you have probably jammed a spork into both eyesockets by now:


Can we rebuild you?

[image from home.comcast.net too old to be available]
 
2005-05-24 06:10:12 AM  
Sweet jebus Bear Toy hope you got lots of them there eye bubble things cuz, damn!!

Oh, and arcata eye(pops) is better.
 
2005-05-24 07:31:10 AM  
Heh,heh,jackoff,heh,heh
 
2005-05-24 07:46:48 AM  
A man returned to his Pontiac parked on Mandarin Drive, May 13, to find it perched upon bricks with all four wheels and rims missing. The man, 37, hadnt a clue who took his wheels. The victim values his loss over $3,000.

Three large for four wheels?!
 
2005-05-24 07:47:17 AM  
optikeye - "That's the correct answer when asked "how much have you had to drink" by the police."

It's "I haven't been coonting, drinkstable" if you live in a country that has a drinkstables. Also works on drugstables too.

In other news, that story was deeply unentertaining.
 
2005-05-24 07:49:48 AM  
Sue D. Nymme:

A man returned to his Pontiac parked on Mandarin Drive, May 13, to find it perched upon bricks with all four wheels and rims missing. The man, 37, hadnt a clue who took his wheels. The victim values his loss over $3,000.

Three large for four wheels?!



On a Pontiac? He ought to be arrested for being stupid.
 
2005-05-24 07:53:24 AM  
BearToy:

Where'd you find that pic of me? ;-)
 
2005-05-24 08:00:55 AM  
ah, the police blotter. in my punk rock days me and my hoodlum friends would go commit wanton acts of vandalism just to read about it in Wednesday's Tustin News.
 
2005-05-24 08:04:00 AM  
[image from lizditz.typepad.com too old to be available]

I had none, ossifer.
 
2005-05-24 08:11:12 AM  
French porn star Jaques Oueff unavailable for comment.
 
2005-05-24 08:14:04 AM  
That's great and all, but why the greenlight?
Every college newspaper has better ones than these on a weekly basis.
 
2005-05-24 08:16:55 AM  
A cry for help

A 48-year-old transient dialed 9-1-1 from a gas station, May 13, requesting de-tox. When deputies arrived on the scene, at 7:33 p.m., they met the remorseful man. With slurred speech the man mumbled his explanation for placing the emergency call. Ever since the death of his wife and children in 1982 he has been abusing Vodka and occasionally prescription drugs. Today, he stated, he wanted help.


...Amusing?
 
2005-05-24 08:29:13 AM  
Beartoy, declining/refusing a breathylizer in any state is an automatic admission of guilt and mandatory suspension of lic.
 
2005-05-24 08:34:09 AM  
"When deputies asked to search the youngsters bedroom, the sister lifted up the bed blankets uncovering the case of beer exclaiming, He is so stupid."

Dumbass. Always bribe your sister first when pulling off stunts like this.
 
2005-05-24 08:34:13 AM  
[image from hep-www.colorado.edu too old to be available]
NONE! meow
 
2005-05-24 08:38:21 AM  
Beatoy - He told her she should have declined the breathalizer test,

In NC, declining a breathalizer test will get you a mandatory immediate revocation of your driving privilege for at least 10 days and an additional 12- month revocation by the Division of Motor Vehicles.

I don't think that is fair, I've written my state congress/representatives about it ... but for now, it's the law. Like it or not.
 
2005-05-24 08:39:47 AM  
The case of Corona(r) was returned to its rightful owner.

Yes, folks. Coronar! The official beer of pirates worldwide.

[image from oldbennington.com too old to be available]
Credit for the image goes to unmoderated.

"Yarr. Coronarrrr!"

/yes, I'm aware that the (r) was meant to be a [image from mathmlcentral.com too old to be available]
 
2005-05-24 08:41:45 AM  
There is at least one guy here in town named Jack Goff. When pronounced aloud it's as bad as the headline. Poor guy. I looked in the phone book to see how many there may be listed and there was one couple listed as Jack & Sue Goff. No lie.
 
2005-05-24 08:46:10 AM  
Three large for four wheels?!

I had my wheels stolen from my car right in front of my apartment once. It ended up being around $3,000 ... the tires alone were $1,000 ... it's more expensive than you'd think =)
 
2005-05-24 08:48:59 AM  
VirtualMoonpie - There is at least one guy here in town named Jack Goff... I looked in the phone book to see how many there may be listed and there was one couple listed as Jack & Sue Goff. No lie.

About 3 years ago in the Durham, NC phonebook, there was the following listing: (no joke, no lie):

Dover, Ben & Eileen
 
2005-05-24 08:56:34 AM  
We "OFFES" love this kind of story. So far no one has been named Jack for obvious reasons. I did have a great grandmother named Pissy, a cousin named Eliabeth who everyone nicknamed LIZ and loved to pronounce it LIZE as in LIZE OFFES, but said it as LIGHTS OFF. We would joke with her and say "Is anyone home?" To which she would reply "lights off, no one home". Forunately our great grandfather was a very successful business man and no one, but no one farked with him....but of course those who did not like him called him "JERK".
 
2005-05-24 08:57:30 AM  
Espertron:

In NC, declining a breathalizer test will get you a mandatory immediate revocation of your driving privilege for at least 10 days and an additional 12- month revocation by the Division of Motor Vehicles.

The theory behind declining is, hopefully you realize you have farked up. Either way you wont be driving for a year; however you technically haven't been found guilty of a DWI and wont suffer the effects of that on your record.
 
2005-05-24 08:59:33 AM  
yah, some people aren't leet enough to type
 
2005-05-24 09:04:54 AM  
... with the help of his big sister.

Illegal search for evidence. Only the homeowner or spouse is allowed to assist in the search. If the police gained entry to the address without a warrant and the homeowners were not home, the residence was not searchable.
 
2005-05-24 09:07:09 AM  
If those were funny police bloopers, I've read them.
 
2005-05-24 09:11:20 AM  
slow news day i guess
 
2005-05-24 09:11:28 AM  
From the Cleveland Sun Times.

A women called police becasue a squirrel had entered her house. Police were unable to remove the squirrel, and the women was arrested for 4 outstanding warrents.

Dumb-Ass Biatch.
 
2005-05-24 09:24:05 AM  
Surprised there hasn't been more police-bashing.

Ah, but the thread is young...
 
2005-05-24 09:30:42 AM  
And _that's_the_way_the_cookie_crumbles

That's what I first thought when I read that.

Then I thought, "Wait, the plural of Corona isn't Coronar..."
 
2005-05-24 09:32:06 AM  
Although one young man hid the unopened case of beer in his bedroom and returned to school, deputies were able to track down the stolen property with the help of one suspects big sister.

When deputies asked to search the youngsters bedroom, the sister lifted up the bed blankets uncovering the case of beer exclaiming, He is so stupid.



Never, Ever, trust your Sister to forgo an opportunity to rat you out... My Sister not only ratted on me for every single thing I ever did, but she also burned me for a few things SHE did!
 
2005-05-24 09:38:00 AM  
The intoxicated young lady was leaning over a parked car around midnight, May 14, when patrolling deputies in Isla Vista found her.

Did they leave a deposit?

/obscure?
 
2005-05-24 09:42:37 AM  
The man, found yelling insults at a group of women from the stream

Ah, yes, the stream women. My personal favorites.
 
2005-05-24 09:47:05 AM  
In addition to what Limp_Bisquick said, a 'good' lawyer will take the case to a jury of your drunken peers, etc.
 
2005-05-24 09:49:05 AM  
Can someone find a link to that hysterical police blotter report from the last year or so about cops coming to break up a fight, with one man demanding that they wait until he finds his pants so that he can kick the cops' asses as well?

I believe the epic line was something like "trousers ready for battle ..." He claimed to be a martial arts expert. I think he got pepper sprayed in the end. There were a few other wonderful lines.

Why do i always forget to bookmark these things?
 
2005-05-24 09:58:27 AM  
hmm.. that's just like that time i flipped my car into a brick sign.. climbed out thru the passenger window (that was no longer there), and laid on the ground. The police asked how much i'd had to drink and i said 'a few shots'...

/didn't get a ticket
//also had a hoochie skirt on
///only broke my finger (had to have plate and screws in it)
 
2005-05-24 10:06:11 AM  
Those were the lamest police stories ever. I've seen better off of Tech's police reports.
 
2005-05-24 10:11:54 AM  
december

Here you go.
 
2005-05-24 10:14:48 AM  
Sheriff, I served with Arcata Eye. I knew Arcata Eye. Arcata Eye was a friend of mine. Sheriff, you're no Arcata Eye.
 
2005-05-24 10:17:18 AM  
My brother drove his CRX into a drainage canal in New Orleans. He was drunker than a nine-eyed donkey. He called me & I picked him up, then I called the tow-truck from my house. The cops showed up, 'cause they had to block the street to pull the car back out. They asked if he'd been drinking, and before he could slur his answer, I piped in, "Yes, officer, he had a couple at my house while we were waiting for the tow-truck."

You could feel the chagrin coming off that officer. He was pissed. Gave me a very dirty look.

Anyhoo, we yanked the car out, David got in, and went on his drunk, merry way.

Never once thanked me for stepping in for him.

Brothers.
 
2005-05-24 10:24:21 AM  
From the eidolon's link:

"Unable to stand up to the {pepper} spray's superior kung fu, the man staggered back into the house..."

Now that's good police blottering!
 
2005-05-24 10:25:56 AM  
Beartoy, declining/refusing a breathylizer in any state is an automatic admission of guilt and mandatory suspension of lic.

Beware: More wrong legal advice from non-lawyers.
 
2005-05-24 10:27:00 AM  
...they realized the house resident had signed Jack Off on the citation signature line.


I would have used "Butz Macrackin" instead.
 
2005-05-24 10:29:04 AM  
"A woman out for her morning walk, May 14, came across a 17-year-old boy passed out, lying face-up around 7:30 a.m. near Rose Lane and Foothill Road. After responding to the scene, law enforcement was able to awaken the incoherent young man. Turning their attention to an unsecured vehicle parked nearby, deputies determined the young man had also been involved in a minor collision."

The boy was heard to say "No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!"
 
2005-05-24 10:31:43 AM  

From the link

Unimpressed, the deputy pushed aside the chairs and trash can and assisted the man down from the ceiling.

Translation : He kicked out the chair, and watched the guy bust his butt. Too funny.

 
2005-05-24 10:41:46 AM  
The kung fu pepper spray article is also from this Isla Vista place. That's classic. And why were his pants down?
 
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