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(DailyIllini)   Hugh Hefner refurbishes university building into playboy mansion. Students finally attend class.   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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6274 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Apr 2002 at 2:29 PM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

39 Comments     (+0 »)
2002-04-01 02:31:44 PM  
I'd be there every farking day!
2002-04-01 02:32:25 PM  
Lame Photoshop attempt.....
2002-04-01 02:33:29 PM  
April Fools is lame this year. I haven't been fooled yet. Come on, I dare you....fool me!
2002-04-01 02:34:13 PM  
they really shouldn't have put a picture with that story.

especially when read by farkers, we can spot a bad photoshop job a mile away.

I didn't catch the "april fools" right at the top, but I certainly noticed the bad photoshop attempt.
2002-04-01 02:34:43 PM  
Stupid April 1st day thing.
2002-04-01 02:35:13 PM  
I wouldn't be skipping class like I am now, even when it is snowing like a mofo.
2002-04-01 02:36:44 PM  
Ok, admit the semiotic object April Fools can be kind of fun, if you are not on the receving end of a really absolutist joke.
2002-04-01 02:37:01 PM  
Heck, even Sinsurgent coulda come up w/ a better photoshop than that!
2002-04-01 02:37:27 PM  
I heard Isreal is invading the West Bank? Is that another April Fool's joke?
2002-04-01 02:37:40 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-04-01 02:40:38 PM  
for a college rag, that was pretty funny. The PS sucked ass though.
2002-04-01 02:41:02 PM  
didn't anyone see this?

Kittens dying for pleasure
Joan Wagner
Supplements editor

Sally Merrick, a 4-year-old Urbana resident, witnessed the death of her new kitten, Princess, on Friday afternoon after a bolt of lightning was sent from the heavens into the family's living room.

"I was trying to get Princess to chase a string when lightning crashed through my house and hit my kitty," Merrick said with tears in her eyes. "She's dead now, and I'm really sad."

Princess' death is only one of many premature feline mortalities that have taken place in Champaign-Urbana homes in the past few weeks; it appears nearly 3,339 kittens have been victims of God's wrath. Yesterday.

A circulating e-mail forward recently announced the Lord has decided to punish those who engage in the self-gratifying act of masturbation, a pastime admitted by some but practiced by many.

A Daily Illini team of special reporters investigated these claims, and they're true.

Every time someone pleasures themselves, God kills a kitten.

Masturbation, or self-gratification, has never been endorsed by God. A representative of heaven went on record to state that while God has never publicly condoned the act, He admits He has never really enforced His anti-masturbation policy - until now.

"God decided enough was enough. He made the decree, but so many mortals choose to 'choke the chicken,' so to speak," said Heaven Spokesman St. Peter. "Yes, the kitten policy is drastic, but I think humans need to be beaten over the head sometimes."

He added that no pun was intended in the last coment.

Merrick's mother, Linda, admitted that she could not tell her daughter the real reason Princess was taken and could not believe the "kitten rumor" was true.

"I had read about the plague in a forward, but I was shocked when it happened in my own living room," Linda said. "I told Sally that some people just don't love the right way. I hope she bought it."

The edict has caused particular problems on the college campus, especially among fraternity houses.

Pro-kitten activists protested in front of the Illini Union Sunday, and handcuffed their hands behind their heads in a statement against self-gratification.

Dallas Pierce, sophomore in engineering and animal rights activist, protested and plans on hosting a candlelight vigil commemorating the lost kitties.

"The other day I saw a kitten run across the Quad, trying to escape peril," Pierce said with a haunted look in his eye. "Just witnessing that made me change my evil ways and realize how important kittens are."

However, not all of campus is willing to reform as Pierce did. Self-proclaimed masturbator Roberta Morrison, junior in LAS, proudly admits that she killed five kittens just last week.

"This is all about the right to pleasure yourself," Morrison said. "God has no idea what he's missing."

Morrison also responded to the fact that those who have never masturbated must suffer for the sins of others. She maintained that everyone has done it at least once; Morrison wanted to remind the community of God's distaste for liars as well as masturbators.

"And the cats would if they could," Morrison added.

Some community members are asking for compromise. Michael Thomas, a volunteer at the Humane Society, advocates reaching middle ground.

"If you're feeling the need to go at it, at least go at it with a person - random or not," Thomas pleaded. "Please, think of the kittens."
2002-04-01 02:41:29 PM  
a Truly Terrible farkin photoshop
2002-04-01 02:44:05 PM  
I think I may have a problem. I think of kittens while I'm masturbating.
2002-04-01 02:44:35 PM  
As an alumnae of that particular school, fer shure, I can say that Lincoln Hall needs all thuh help it can get. Like, there's a copper
bust of Abe Lincoln in thuh lobby. Legend pretends that if you rub old Abe's nose before an exam, like, you'll have biatchin' luck. Can you just imagine what they'd replace it with if Hef did remodel thuh place?
2002-04-01 02:45:14 PM  
Diogenes: Better than masturbating with a kitten...
2002-04-01 02:45:40 PM  
WTF shiat! It hink I have seen better MS Paint photoshops! somebody give me a hammer so I can beat their graphics Dept.
2002-04-01 02:47:19 PM  
April Fark You!
2002-04-01 02:47:41 PM  
I hate cats. Gonna go kill a couple now.
2002-04-01 02:49:14 PM  
Holy Kitty ,Batman! what will the hindus think of this?
2002-04-01 02:50:47 PM  
Can't wait for the headline, Hugh Hefner admits he's too old to enjoy all those women, will now settle for a pretty pony and a juicebox.
2002-04-01 02:56:14 PM  
Finally! Google releases their secret!
2002-04-01 03:04:21 PM  
Skinink: Heh, reminds me aof a joke they made on the Hefner roast on CC "You know why he's smiling so much? It cause he doesn't know where he is!"
2002-04-01 03:19:09 PM gamefaX
2002-04-01 03:25:42 PM  
Hehehehehe Mqstout I hadn't seen that one, and I use gamefaqs all the time... very funny
2002-04-01 04:09:38 PM  
Jeez...they didn't even try to make this sound real.

U of I let me in, but now I'm really glad to chose to go to school somewhere else.
2002-04-01 04:18:13 PM  
Fb- do thuh photoshop for that?

It totally sucks! Gag me with a SPOOOOON!! Gag me with a SPOOOOON!! Gag me with a pitchfork!! Oh, wow!

the hot poe smoker on thuh left is sittin' on NOTHING! Gag me with a pitchfork!! Oh, wow!
2002-04-01 04:18:20 PM  
Fb- do the photoshop for reevalution of Manichaeanism and that?

It really sucks!!!!

the hot pole smoker on the left is semiotically sitting on NOTHING!!
2002-04-01 04:19:40 PM  
what's with the gag me stuff?
I didn't type that in.
2002-04-01 04:31:07 PM  
Damn...was the PS supposed to really make us think he was there? If so...whoever did it just honestly has no artistic grasp on the world...or was just really really really drunk when doing it. Who knows.
2002-04-01 05:13:52 PM  
Dis be an APril Fool's joke. What it is, Mama!

Campuses all ova' de country gots' daily newssheets dat print ficshun, but sucka's steal it all de time and are tricked da damn funk out.
2002-04-01 05:47:46 PM  
Somebody sent this email out to all of the U of I students (and presumably faculty) this morning:

To all University students:

It has recently come to the attention of the McKinley Health Center
Staff that a recent batch of condoms purchased and already in partial
distribution on campus may be defective. According to Trojan, the
manufacturer of the condoms, several thousand condoms distributed to the
University of Illinois may have inappropriately passed the quality
control tests at their production facility.

The recall affects all Trojan brand condoms of the normal, non-ribbed,
variety. If you have received such condoms from McKinley or the McKinley
Resource Center since February 3rd, you are strongly advised to take the
following actions:

If you have used such condoms there is small probability that
microscopic holes may have prevented the condom from performing
effectively. To determine if your pack of condoms was part of the batch
that inappropriately passed the quality control tests, please take the
following steps immediately:

1.) Remove an unused condom from its wrapper.
2.) Fully unroll and stretch the condom and rotate it looking for the
lot numbers imprinted near the base of the condom.
3.) Alternatively, place your mouth on the condom and gently exhale,
inflating the condom to reveal the lot numbers.

If the beginning of the lot numbers starts with:
you may have a condom from the defective batch.

Trojan has requested that we collect all unused condoms from this batch and
return them immediately for testing and disposal. If you are unsure as
to whether the condom pack you possess is affected or not please follow
the return instructions below.

Drop points have been conventiently setup at McKinley Health center and
the McKinley Resource Center. For your convinience we have also arranged
for the tuition drop boxes both in the Illini Union and the Henry
Administration building to be opened for condom collection.

We deeply regret this incident and we realize this situation may have
many serious implications. If you have any further questions we urge you
to contact the McKinley Health Center.

Dr. Ivana Fukalot, MD
Asst. Director of McKinley Health Center
This mailing approved by:
The Office of the Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs

This message sent via MASSMAIL. < >
2002-04-01 05:54:20 PM  
I like Kerouac's story better. The Illini story sucked an old, dead guy's sweaty, hairy balls.
2002-04-01 06:25:04 PM  
man, the womynists are going to be all over this thing in the coming weeks.
2002-04-01 07:22:16 PM  

Some people are easily duped.

Please see above post.
2002-04-01 07:34:23 PM  
3339 kittens are dea because of self-gratification?

OK, but I'm not taking the blame all by myself. 3339 Kittens? That's gotta be about 3 or 4 other people doin it besides me..
2002-04-01 10:49:26 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Looks like he bought circuit city also.

2002-04-02 01:08:09 AM  
That was pretty funny Bmartin, I wonder how many people thought it was real
2002-04-02 05:05:03 AM  
Not_Enginerd: About 0.
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