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(The Crimson)   Suspect finds himself in a sticky situation as Cambridge police chase down the Harvard Masturbator   (thecrimson.com) divider line 50
    More: PSA  
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13510 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Apr 2005 at 7:25 PM (9 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



50 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2005-04-26 03:55:21 PM
That's pretty creepy. I work right there and frequent all of the places mentioned. That is the LAST time I wear my raincoat and crotchless shorts to work.
 
2005-04-26 03:57:23 PM
He'll have a hard time wiping his record clean after that
 
2005-04-26 07:28:25 PM
attention whore
 
2005-04-26 07:30:19 PM
I hope they toss this guy in prison
 
2005-04-26 07:30:53 PM
I hope they wore gloves while arresting him.
 
2005-04-26 07:30:58 PM
when i see a dude masturbating, i run in the opposite direction.

/cop earned his doughnuts, but probably lost his appetite
 
2005-04-26 07:31:10 PM
In the younger years of the internets I remember a certain masturbater announcing his arrival at a library by spelling out "I'm home, the masturbator" with books.

Did I get the words right? Because that STILL cracks me up.
 
2005-04-26 07:31:25 PM
now that's what I call a sticky situation!
 
2005-04-26 07:31:26 PM
mmmmm, sticky situations....
 
2005-04-26 07:31:32 PM
I hope they catch that jerkoff...
 
2005-04-26 07:32:24 PM
He'll probably be discharged shortly. He'll get off.
 
2005-04-26 07:34:32 PM
Nice, submitter.
 
2005-04-26 07:34:53 PM


AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
 
2005-04-26 07:35:46 PM
His name? E. Jack Ullate

/father died of a stroke
//grandfather died by choking on his chicken farm
 
2005-04-26 07:42:12 PM
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!!
 
2005-04-26 07:43:06 PM
What do you expect? That Peet's coffee is SEXY!
 
2005-04-26 07:43:16 PM
/wasn't me
 
2005-04-26 07:44:30 PM
I see nothing wrong with this
 
2005-04-26 07:47:31 PM
70 cents on the dollar until you don't have a problem with this.
 
2005-04-26 07:47:38 PM
there was a guy like that at the University of Illinois a few years ago. except he did it in the English Building.

/errr, i mean, i read about him.
 
2005-04-26 07:48:13 PM
Dad?
 
2005-04-26 07:53:07 PM


Unavailable for comment.
 
2005-04-26 07:53:30 PM


stroke stroke stroke (dun dun dun dun dun dun)
stroke stroke stroke (dun dun dun dun dun)
stroke your penis
stroke your penis

(teh shacky goodness)
 
2005-04-26 07:58:14 PM
Must be from out of town, like say florida. Massachusetts doesn't have weird people like that.
 
2005-04-26 07:58:20 PM
How did he almost get away? Did he finish?
 
2005-04-26 07:58:47 PM
I had a friend who was pretty freaky like that. He never wore clothes, even in public, and he thought nothing of urinating or defecating whenever he liked. Once, while I was waiting outside with him for another one of my friends to finish shopping, he licked his genitals for about three minutes straight- I couldn't tell you how many bystanders he traumatized that day.

...and, don't get me started on his crotch sniffing! Come to think of it, he was a rude pervert and a freeloader, besides. I don't know why I hung around with him.
 
2005-04-26 08:04:20 PM
He was running down the back of the MAC. Can't keep these Mac/Microsoft flame wars out of these threads.
 
2005-04-26 08:10:30 PM
Scrotar:

I had a friend who was pretty freaky like that. He never wore clothes, even in public, and he thought nothing of urinating or defecating whenever he liked. Once, while I was waiting outside with him for another one of my friends to finish shopping, he licked his genitals for about three minutes straight- I couldn't tell you how many bystanders he traumatized that day.

...and, don't get me started on his crotch sniffing! Come to think of it, he was a rude pervert and a freeloader, besides. I don't know why I hung around with him.


Did he have a black nose?
 
2005-04-26 08:12:23 PM
Maybe they should have a line up?
 
2005-04-26 08:15:17 PM
Smallberries - Now that you mention it...
 
2005-04-26 08:26:04 PM
And the Mad Fapper strikes again!!
 
2005-04-26 08:27:50 PM
Scrotar

LOL!

/your dog wants handcuffs
 
2005-04-26 08:29:04 PM
Scrotar: Was his name Skippy?
 
2005-04-26 09:01:40 PM
I can't speak for Harvard girls

Over by BU is a bit better for this purpose....
 
2005-04-26 09:02:09 PM
There's a banner ad for "Crank Yankers Uncensored" on top of my page view. Ingenious placement!


/so what happened to the doughnut?
 
2005-04-26 09:03:01 PM
Oh_Enough_Already:

I can't speak for Harvard girls but the way many college girls dress today (cough, Iowa City, cough) I'm suprised there isn't a public fapping epidemic.

Dude, you've obviously never been to Harvard.
 
2005-04-26 09:08:24 PM
Why can't they let this poor man masturbate in peace? In public.
 
2005-04-26 09:12:52 PM
Was it FB?
 
2005-04-26 09:34:08 PM
Speak Again Sweet Lips MAC is a make up store... just so you know... I'll excuse you though, since I'm gonna guess you're a guy why would you know that
 
2005-04-26 09:37:55 PM
The MAC is actually the Harvard gym... this all happened right outside my window, weeeeird shiat. what I can't understand most is why anybody would be masturbating to harvard girls.
 
2005-04-26 09:39:03 PM
my evening run starts near porter square, through inman square, over to harvard university and back to porter. today i picked the wrong place to rub one out.
 
2005-04-26 09:44:10 PM
Gross said he had heard of a similar incident six to eight months ago in which a person allegedly exposed himself or herself in public view near Peet's Coffee and Tea.

That suspect must've had a bag over his or her head.
 
2005-04-26 10:07:47 PM
Didn't he have a coffin to lie in?
 
2005-04-26 10:35:16 PM
Let's see..
Peets Coffee and Tea at 100 Mt. Auburn St.
Malkin Athletic Center (MAC)
Pyara Salon
Ultimate Parking, a valet service at 93 Winthrop St.
Pinocchios Pizzeria on Winthrop Street
Berks Shoes on the corner of Winthrop and JFK Streets



Geez. That's a whole lot of plugs!!!
 
2005-04-26 11:17:09 PM
Personally, I think it would be funny if the "suspect" wasn't the serial masturbator. Just some random guy that randomly decided to pull one off in public.

/drank, smoked alot of pot as a teen
//song "Everybody Knows" plays
 
2005-04-26 11:21:05 PM
Remember that one South Park episode with the flashbacks..

"Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"
 
2005-04-27 02:06:31 AM
Slow day at Fark when the stories are about a guy striking down a kid because he was hit with ice cream and some wanker upsets the sensitivities of other wankers by doing what they're all doing minus some privacy.

Wake me up when the caldera under Yellowstone blows up.
 
2005-04-27 07:48:06 AM
Are all the Kennedy cousins accounted for? Why do these guys seem to always appear near universities? (Insert random Cum Laude joke here)

There was a Discovery channel movie about a Yellowstone supervolvcano eruption. Waiting for a caldera to erupt in Redmond Washington.
 
2005-04-27 05:25:12 PM
Creepy.

When I was an undergrad there, all we had was Action Man, who would call guys' rooms, ask if they wanted some action, and hang up. Oh, and some guy would crank call the girls' rooms pretending to be taking a psych survey and asked increasingly-disturbing questions about being spanked. No public masturbators, though.

Maybe spank-question guy has kicked it up a notch...
 
2005-04-27 08:17:47 PM
Ha ha ha. That guy's gonna take the rap for what I DID! Ha ha ha.
 
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