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(Satire Wire)   Police must now notify residents when a Catholic priest moves into the neighborhood   ( divider line
    More: Satire  
•       •       •

3884 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Mar 2002 at 2:42 PM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

62 Comments     (+0 »)

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

2002-03-27 02:42:58 PM  
Damn funny, I bet the Onion is pissed they didn't think of it first.
2002-03-27 02:43:05 PM  

It's funny because it's true!
2002-03-27 02:43:17 PM  
2002-03-27 02:44:38 PM  
where does someone send a picture for it to be a candidate for a photoshop?
2002-03-27 02:44:45 PM  
Very, very clever!
2002-03-27 02:44:49 PM  
"Please don't tickle me, Father Elmo..."
2002-03-27 02:45:33 PM  
My priest never fondled me. Now my feeling are hurt; wasn't I cute enough?
2002-03-27 02:50:21 PM  
If only this wasn't satire. Hehe. Now, if we
can just get started on taxing churches....
2002-03-27 02:51:09 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

It'sada good-a time-a!
2002-03-27 02:51:19 PM  
I saw this the other day, and for some odd reason I can't get "Every Sperm is Sacred" out of my mind now...
2002-03-27 02:52:38 PM  
Not funny. Good Friday and all comin' up...Easter around the bend...
2002-03-27 02:53:17 PM  
Holy shiat is that funny. Tasteless, but funny.
2002-03-27 02:53:53 PM  
Perhaps you are all so obsessed with your own latent homosexual desires, that you lash out at the Catholic Church for having homosexual ministers. You probably would rightously deny homosexuals any type of employment--bus drivers, mathematicians, dancers. Good for you, brave, brave, sinless exemplars of perfection! The doctrine of forgiveness is the best one in all of Christianity, and the hardest for secular moralists to understand. Secular moralists are stoicists, and see everyone (except their perfect selves) as flawed, grubby mortals.

So, in conclusion, good one, funny boys! I laughed too because I am also in danger of having my secret homosexual desires relieved by a man of the cloth! Ha Ha.
2002-03-27 02:55:45 PM  
Why is this ""satire?""
2002-03-27 02:56:08 PM  
Lon_chaney: My homosexual desires aren't secret.
2002-03-27 03:05:14 PM  
Mr. Chaney,
Do you really view this as an attack on homosexuality instead of an attack on Sexual Predators?
2002-03-27 03:09:41 PM  
Lon_chaney: Say three Hail Mary's and call me in the morning.
2002-03-27 03:22:25 PM  
I failed to find the humor...I guess it's just another example of "If it's Catholic it must be evil; if it's mocking Catholicism, it must be funny."
2002-03-27 03:22:26 PM  
This thing with the Catholic priests is NOT about being a
homosexual. It's NOT about Catholics. It's about PEDOPHILES.
The problem IS that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
How old is the Catholic church? Do any of you think this
just started recently? This has been going on for a long time and now the cat is out of the bag. Priests everywhere
must be shiatting their pants.False accusation,anyone?


As God is my witness, if I ever found out someone sexually
abused MY daughter or son, I would personally kill them.
No questions asked, no excuses. I am capable.
And I would expect the same from anyone else.
2002-03-27 03:26:16 PM  
Come On! Those kids are asking for it! What with wearing their sexy Harry Potter p.j.'s all over the place!

2002-03-27 03:28:38 PM  
Chaney - dude, this is not about homosexuality. This is about CATHOLIC PRIESTS farkING KIDS. I don't care whether the Catholic church's ministers are gay straight or bi - but 1)they take an oath of celibacy. Stupid? Yes. Still hypocritical to break it? Hell yeah. 2)When perhaps the single most self-righteous organization in human history, one that has tortured and killed people for real or imagined sins and one that continues to act as though its special ties to god give it a right to stand in the way of medical progress and science in general -- when this organization has its minions exposed as child molesting frauds... Well, that's news.

And though each of us has made some bad decision at one point or another, we haven't molested kids for goddsake, so don't act like no one here has the right to criticize these evil men for the slime that they are.
2002-03-27 03:30:57 PM  
What they now give newly ordained Catholic Priest : Priestly Collar, black robe, Trojan condoms and K- Y jelly.
2002-03-27 03:31:02 PM  
Best. Law. Ever.
2002-03-27 03:49:02 PM  
Grand High Took: I'm going to step out on a limb here and assume from your post that you don't know much about the Catholic church. I do not disagree about the immoral and evil, yes evil, conduct that a small number of misguided priests conduct. But, I would not call the Catholic Church's call for celibacy stupid. I'm sure that you just do not know why the vow of celibacy is in place, so it's very easy for you to attack.
2002-03-27 03:54:55 PM  
I am not Catholic, so I will stay away from this, there are a lot of victims in this situation.

Except that 'Christian Athletic Director' has no longer the title of scariest church position.
2002-03-27 04:07:22 PM  
grand_high_took: I respect your excellent comments. I wouldn't say the Catholic Church is the most self-rightous organization in the world -- that would probably be the US Government. And anyway, organizations can't be self-rightous--only people can. Like me, right now! Everybody is self-rightous and operates under prideful illusion most of the time. Religion allows greater syncretic empathy with other people -- while for some, it just makes them more smug.

Pedophila has been going on for thousands of years, and only in recent history have we begun to hyperventilate about it. Shaming people who practice it. I suppose "gay lib" has something to do with taking this natural, silent type of sexual activity and politicizing it. It's just a blow -job, for fark's sake!

As for you HKUSP9MM, my initial comments were directed at morons like yourself. Your children=your fragile sexual identity. I suppose you will grow out of this at some point.

I'd like to have someone here who was molested by a priest post something. That kind of perspective is missing.
2002-03-27 04:26:00 PM  
Lon_chaney: Chill dude. It's a farking joke. All in one breath you accused everyone on Fark of being latent homosexual secular moralists who discriminate against gays. I've never seen anything in this forum more deserving of the ASININE label (and if I knew the first thing about html I'd insert it here myself).

One does not need to be a "brave, brave, sinless exemplar of perfection" to recognize that abusing your position as a priest (or any other position of power and authority) to doink little boys is wrong. Surely you're not suggesting that none of us is qualified to condemn that kind of behavior simply because we are imperfect ourselves.

There's a big difference between forgiving and excusing. If you don't understand that, then surely you'll forgive/excuse me if I decide to steal your car.
2002-03-27 04:27:00 PM  
Lon_chaney: Ok, I'll bite.

When I was 13, I was a regular church-goer in rural Oregon, and after the first part of the sermon, the churchgoing youths would go downstairs for a youth-group session to discuss the Bible in general.

Anyway, one time the youth pastor tried to molest me, and I wasn't about to let him. I punched him in the stomach, and got kicked out of the church forever. Nobody's going to force me to touch their nads, nor touch mine without my permission.

So he wasn't Catholic, and he didn't get any. He made the attempt and got away with it though; he's probably still there.

That's probably why I'm bisexual.
2002-03-27 04:32:25 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

[it says: american church]
2002-03-27 04:36:21 PM  
w00t, I got a response.
Dojotny - I don't know "much", although I know more than 90% of the catholics I've ever met. Nnot being catholic I don't know for certain about the clibacy rule. I've got a couple of guesses though. I think primarily it's a traditional thing - going all the way back to Peter and Paul. And speaking of Paul, it was his doctrine of semi-asceticism that had an **enormous** influence upon the founding of the early church, and so the celibacy rule probably has quite a bit of foundation in his writings, especially to Timothy. Now, his rationale was that being sexually active / being married served as a distraction, it would tend to keep peoples minds focused on this world rather than on serving god. Thus he recommended that people stay single, the better to be solely focused on their work as members of "the body of christ." Considering that the church believes Paul to be inspired by God, and beleives that the work of its priests is similar to that which paul was doing, and believes that there is a heaven out there somewhere, some other world more improtant than this one -- I think those all, taken together with the force of tradition, account for the celibacy rule -- though I'm certianly willing to be proven wrong about that. Now, I'm quite willing to admit that IF there was another world, their celibacy rule might make sense -- they're right; being married DOES tend to make you care about what's going on in this world. But that's just why I say the rule is stupid - it is precicely THIS world that DOES matter, and the rule serves to prevent priests from experienceing one of the greatest joys in human life. Good idea if their premises were true? Sure. But they're not. And so it remains a stupid idea. And I'm not pretending that the majority of priests are like this -- I know that's not the case. But that's beside the point, anyway.

Now, Lon_Chaney - thanks for the compliment. And you may be right about the US Gov't -- in fact, I think you probably are. And of course you're right about organizations vs. people as well; I basically meant that the people comprising the organization get on a moral high horse based on their membership in it. It sounds like you're sortof brushing pedophilia off as no big deal though, which I can't agree with -- but the reason has nothing to do with homosexuality and everything to do with the fact that the vast majority children are NOT emotionally mature enough to handle the ramifications of sexual behavior. There are few exceptions, but mores are based on what happens 99.9% of the time, not on the remaining .1%, and that's as it should be.
2002-03-27 04:39:57 PM  
What does PRIEST stand for?

2002-03-27 04:55:04 PM  
Damn, this had the makings of an interesting discussion, or at least a mildly entertaining flame war. Oh well....
2002-03-27 05:00:23 PM  
Pedophila has been going on for thousands of years, and only in recent history have we begun to hyperventilate about it. Shaming people who practice it. I suppose "gay lib" has something to do with taking this natural, silent type of sexual activity and politicizing it. It's just a blow -job, for fark's sake!

"natural, silent type of sexual activity"
You need your dick beat off and your can publically beat ass wipe!
How many kids have you blown asshead???!!!
In what sick world do you live in where pedophilia is a "natural, silent type of sexual activity"???
Do tell us so we can irradiate it from existance!!
2002-03-27 05:08:02 PM  
Very nice SatireWire. Personally, I believe in God, I've just become more and more disillusioned in the Catholic "establishment" that administers him/her to us.
2002-03-27 05:17:24 PM  
2002-03-27 05:23:46 PM  
In Australia, they're thinking of taking it one step further. Police will soon need to notify residents if an Anglican Preist or a Governor-General moves into the neighbourhood ...
2002-03-27 05:26:10 PM  

Interesting article. The church shows it's human side, eh? I love the comparison to Ken Lay / Enron.
2002-03-27 05:41:31 PM  
Yeah, reason produces some good stuff. And the lay thing is completely apt.
2002-03-27 05:50:56 PM  
Cat-astrophe: Satire isn't a joke, buddy. It's damn serious business.

PopoBawa: You have a lot of anxiety over this issue, which is not a bad thing. I'm sure you are a wonderful husband and father and a great pleasure to be around. I also appreciate your desire to "irradiate" the world I live in. More interesting is your offer to "beat off" my dick. Hm. I'll have to think about that, PopoBawa.

But thanks for proving my point about the psychological underpinnings that are provoking this current witch-hunt. I'm sure your latent desires, while terrifying to you, are just normal stuff. Cheer up!
2002-03-27 06:14:58 PM  
Hey, H&Kpipsqueak-cartridge;
It's not really sex, if I was just laying there and your daughter was doing ME, is it?
2002-03-27 06:23:18 PM  
How many girls did these pedophile priests molest?
2002-03-27 06:32:37 PM  
The reason for celibacy is that way back when the higher ups in the church figured out that if priests did not marry (and premarital sex being a sin) when they died their property would go to the church instead of their wives.
It was a financial decision, not a religious one.
2002-03-27 06:53:09 PM  
Grand_High_Took: You're right on track with your crediting Paul and Peter, and the whole distraction thing.

If one has a call of vocation to the Lord, the act of celibacy helps bring him closer by removing earthly distractions. When one is ordained, the bishop warns the future priest:

"You ought anxiously to consider again and again what sort of a burden this is which you are taking upon you of your own accord. Up to this you are free. You may still, if you choose, turn to the aims and desires of the world. But if you receive this order (of the subdiaconate) it will no longer be lawful to turn back from your purpose. You will be required to continue in the service of God, and with His assistance to observe chastity and to be bound for ever in the ministrations of the Altar, to serve who is to reign."

I know that if I have a calling - celibacy would be a small price to pay for servitude.

Now, why doesn't the Church just get rid of the celibacy thing (besides what Peter and Paul taught)? Well, the influence of the priest would wane. Without his own family, the Church becomes the priest's family - and the congregation his children. He has no matters to worry about besides those of the Church. For married ministers in other faiths, they are forced to put their family before their church, which is a shame in my opinion.

Soupysales: I'm afraid you are misguided. Celibacy has been part of the Church since Peter was the first pope.

The bottom line is that pedophilia cannot be avoided by marraige and it cannot be encouraged by homosexuality, priesthood, or the Church. It is a mental disease that isn't cured nor encouraged by being in any of the aforementioned groupings.

Sorry for the long post.
2002-03-27 08:07:56 PM  
I know somebody already jumped on this, but gimme a break - I just got home! The story is not attaking priests because they are gay, it is attacking them for sexually abusing children. There is a HUGE difference.

This brings to mind one of my favorite jokes:

A nun, a priest, and a lawyer are on a ship when it is hit by an iceburg and starts to sink. They begin to run for the lifeboat when the nun shouts, "what about the children?!!"
The lawyer says, "oh, fark the children!!"
And the priest asks, "do you think there's time?!"
2002-03-27 09:13:00 PM  
This is another evil plot against the church. Do any of you idiots doubt that this happens in ALL religions?! It is wrong in any case but can I please hear about the true threat in the world!? Why are all liberals forgetting about the murderous mullahs and shakes in the jislamic world. Dont they train terrorists to kill ALL Americans and Jews? What the fark has happened to my country.
2002-03-27 09:28:00 PM  
Ban homosexuals from becoming priests. Problem solved.
2002-03-27 09:36:40 PM  
You are one sick f*ck if you think pedophilia is something to wink at.
Let me explain it to you.
Homosexuality is something 2 conscenting adults do with one another. Fine. Who gives a sh*t.
Pedophelia is something a sick f*ck like yourself FORCES a child to do.
It's called rape buddy. And when you do something like that to a completely innocent being like a child you should have your dick beat off. You should be put in stock out in public so people can heave dung at you all day.
It's NOT a natural sexual activity loser. Any more than goat f*cking is. And anyone who "practices" it should be removed from society, period.
2002-03-27 09:57:17 PM  
Popo Bawa: A Pedophile gets off on sexual contact with prepubescent children. They typically loose interest after the child goes through puberty.

These boys were "men". That makes the priests homosexuals.

I agree with you, though, homosexuals that prey on young men should be removed from society, period.
2002-03-27 11:20:49 PM  
listen there is a big diffrence between homosexual tendencies and priests farking 10 year old boys

if u cant tell the diffrence u have issues
2002-03-27 11:26:11 PM  
I understand that. I read the papers too.
However Lon_Chaney believes pedophilia is a 'natural sexual activity' and something to be winked at.
Pedophiles are sexual predators and should be removed from society and NEVER let out! They are NOT 'curable'.
Either Lon_Chaney is confusing pedophilia with homosexuality, and if that's the case he's insulting every homosexual out there. Especially since most pedophiles do NOT attack children of the same sex. Or he's a card carrying member or NAMBLA. In which case he's a sick f*ck and should have his dick beat off and be permanently removed from society.
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