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(X-Entertainment)   X-E joins a thousand rabid Star Wars fans as they bumrush Toys 'R' Us at midnight to get first dibs on "Revenge of the Sith" merchandise. Also starring Boba Fett and a guy in a gigantic "Darth Tater" costume   ( divider line
    More: Cool  
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25899 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Apr 2005 at 6:03 AM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2005-04-03 11:54:13 PM  
aka "Farker Party in NYC".
2005-04-04 03:26:41 AM  
I was sitting next to an actress just yesterday who was among the toys released for Star Wars 3 the other night.

So cool. Wish I had one.
2005-04-04 03:28:46 AM  
Silly nerds......

I once had a rabid star wars nerd try to tell me that star wars figurines were a intelligent investment, akin to gold and property...... I pointed out to him that they were mass-produced pieces of plastic and were worthless. He got offended.

Silly nerds......
2005-04-04 06:08:23 AM  
What's wrong with these people!?
2005-04-04 06:13:42 AM  
nero_design: an actress...who was among the toys released for Star Wars 3

You can get an actress to use as a toy ? Is she hot ?


I once had a rabid star wars nerd try to tell me that star wars figurines were a intelligent investment, akin to gold and property...... I pointed out to him that they were mass-produced pieces of plastic and were worthless.

Although that's largely true, buying up blister packed figures at 20p and flogging them for a tenner each was one of my better investments in terms of %age return.

/silly nerd
2005-04-04 06:15:56 AM  
The Spoils of War

Something smells, I think as I walk into my apartment. Like an entire line of stem-cells that had spilled onto the kitchen floor and seeped through the cracks in the linoleum.

It reeks of recklessness. It reeks of lost potential. It reeks of a garage apartment in Seattle or a hotel room in New Jersey. Death has been here. Only decay remains. And once again, its up to the living to clean up.

I sniff the trashcan. I sniff the sink. I sniff the fridge. I find it. On the bottom shelf, behind three cans of PBR, a Coke and a bag of shredded cheese. Wrapped in aluminum foil, a lone bratwurst has turned against me. It is still in its original package. It has spoiled. The date reads 02.30.05. That day was a long time ago. That day is far, far away.

I fear spoiled meat. I fear it so bad that the very smell of it leaves me scared, trembling, cowering under the covers. Sometimes for days, weeks, at a time. Surely someone could come up with a fridge that has a spoiler alert, something to warn whoever is about to open the door they are about to come face-to-face with the smell of death. The technology is there for sure. IBM. Intel. Industrial Light and Magic.

Of course, ILM. George Lucas would know what to do. He would know how to warn us when things had turned sour, when things had spoiled. He has made a career of it.

The moment came on May 2?, 1999, when Lucas released Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. It was at that moment when the name Anakin Skywalker was mentioned for the first time that Lucas spoiled what was one of the greatest plot twists of all time the revelation that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalkers father. From that point on, no one would ever feel the shock of that revelation again. Think about the children, I cried. Wont anybody think of the children. To make matters worse, that moment would be spoiled by again and again, as one sequel followed another. I have never forgiven him.

Lucas continues to spoil that moment. Last week, nearly two full months before the final chapter in the Star Wars saga, George Lucas has unleashed a collection of rot, of spoiled meats. There is the Star Wars Episode III: The Return of the Sith novelization. The comic book. The pre-teen reader. The childrens picture book. The sticker book. The flash cards. The toilet paper. Each one detailing every meaningful detail of Episode III. The entire plot to the new movie is there for all to see.

Lucas is tempting you. Lucas is calling you to the Dark Side. He wants your money. He wants to spoil what little hope you may have for Return of the Sith before it even hits the screen.

But never fear, I am here to save you from temptation. I am here to deliver you from evil. And at the same time I will have my revenge. The truth will set you free:

Do not be fooled by the movie trailers. Do not be tricked by the television commercials. Do not be misled by cereal boxes. Darth Vader is not in this film. Or at least that what you will say to yourself as you walk out of the theatre, wishing you could have your $10 back. Two, three minutes tops at the end of the movie. For two scenes max. How do I know this? Ive read the comic. It cost me $12.95. You will not have to spend yours.

There will be no characters you care about. Anakins turn to the Dark Side is the stuff of Sweet Valley High. It reeks of the OC. The post-partum death of Padme is kind of melodramatic fare you find on the Lifetime channel or a Mexican soap opera. The death of Samuel L. Jacksons Mace Windu is the kind of biatch-ass ending that Pulp Fictions Jules wouldnt have wished up Arnold the Pig, no matter how disgusting swine is. The birth of Luke and Leia only compounds the folly of their blood relationship and highlights their one great incestuous moment in Star Wars; its enough to give you Flowers in the Attic shivers. The revelation that Palpatine is the emperor of the later series, that has been know forever; there are no grand tricks, there are no clone of clone of clone plot twists. What you see is what you get. The much balliwhooed return of Chewbacca. Ha. Mere moments in a plodding story about a teenage temper tantrum writ large. Yoda runs off to Dagobah; Obi Wan to Tatooine. The Jedi die.

You know this. I really didnt have to tell you. Lucas told you a long time ago. It happened in 1977.

By Chris Haire
2005-04-04 06:19:37 AM  
So where's Blackwolf the Dragonmaster?

/poop on
2005-04-04 06:36:44 AM  
Hey ritalinchaser,

The only character I care about is the emperor, who has been my favorite character since V and VI.
2005-04-04 06:38:26 AM  
When Titanic came out, a friend of mine said"why go see it, I know how it ends, the ship sinks." I always thought that was stupid because the ship sinking is just the setting and the ending was much better than that (Leonardo dies, yay), But this... I mean really, we know how it ends. Really. I grew up watching and loving Star Wars and I don't care what the jerk/corporate whore says on XE, the marketing was bad, but not THAT bad. DArth M&M's for Christ's sake?!? I am so happy I live in Tokyo and I do not have this thorough raping of my childhood for profits beating me over the head every other commercial break.
2005-04-04 06:40:07 AM  
Wow, that looks really cool. What's "Star Wars"?
2005-04-04 06:42:28 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-04-04 06:47:33 AM  
I don't care about the movie.

I don't care about the toystore.

I don't even care about the M&Ms.

All I know is, I must have a Dark Tater.

/that is all
2005-04-04 06:59:46 AM  
I got Lava Reflection Darth Vader!
2005-04-04 07:16:08 AM  
I got Malibu Darth Vader!

Oops, I went to the wrong department :(
2005-04-04 07:23:33 AM  
You can have my Slave Girl Princess Leia when you pry it from my cold,dead hands.
2005-04-04 07:35:37 AM  
They call me "Tater Salad..."
2005-04-04 07:43:09 AM  
Best line of the whole thing:

"If Gorilla Monsoon was a ghost in Toys 'R' Us that night, the walls would've been shouting 'Pandemonium!'"
2005-04-04 07:52:47 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-04-04 07:52:51 AM  
Gross abuse of the cool tag.
2005-04-04 08:16:30 AM  
2005-04-04 08:16:53 AM  
I love all the over weight stormtroopers
2005-04-04 08:22:07 AM  
I own a Dark Tater. He rocks. My kids dig his cape.

"Luke I'm your father."
"Ore Ida! That's tot true!"
2005-04-04 08:22:43 AM  
2005-04-04 08:34:00 AM  
Who are the ad wizards that came up with these?
2005-04-04 08:54:10 AM  
Dark Tater is so much cooler than Darth Tater
2005-04-04 09:01:54 AM  
I was at my local wal-mart at midnight friday/saturday picking through the action figures for a General Grievious. I got yelled at by one of those Uber-Nerds that had bought two of everything, action figures, starfighters, etc, and I'd gotten too close to his shopping cart.
2005-04-04 09:04:16 AM  
I happened to out at midnight the other night, so I pulled into a Wal-Mart to check it out.
I was the only one there buying Star Wars junk, and I got everything I wanted.
More interesting was the number of families with small children there. Why are you taking your kids to Wal-Mart at 12:30 on a Saturday night?
2005-04-04 09:07:13 AM  
Rev. Skarekroe
Why are you taking your kids to Wal-Mart at 12:30 on a Saturday night?

Because when you're drawing a government check you can go shopping at any time, you don't have to schedule your shopping around your work schedule.

sorry about the threadjack and the potential flamewar material. Used to work at walmart, found this out first hand.
2005-04-04 09:07:40 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-04-04 09:10:27 AM  
Speaking of Star Wars. Get the Lego Star Wars game. Star Wars nerds will be happy they did.
2005-04-04 09:12:42 AM  
Nerds in close proximity, fighting over action figures. It is not a pretty picture.

/Did it last year, never again
//Will wait till they're in the clearance bin
///I likey the slashies.
2005-04-04 09:18:08 AM  
on the wal-mart discussion, i personally will never step foot in another wal-mart. i stumbled across one in the shadiest part of town a few weeks back, looking simply for a card reader. i was desperate and it was about 10pm. i walked in, and had to wade through a see of welfare to get anywhere. i was lost for about a half-hour before asking an employee (they're possibly the rudest people you'll ever meet) where the electronics department was. it said "follow me" and it took us 10 minutes.. literally to get from one side of the store to the other. i smelled things, saw things, and felt things i hope to never experience again. i walked away from there completely terrified...but about an hour later it dawned on me how lucky i am.
2005-04-04 09:18:53 AM  
make that a sea of welfare... it's 7am and sleep hasn't kicked in
2005-04-04 09:19:56 AM  
I work at Target, and on Saturday morning when I pulled up at 6:45am to go into work there were about 20 or so grown men sitting in lawn chairs in the front walk way. I had no idea what was going on, so I called the manager over to ask if we were getting robbed or something, and he informed me about how we were selling a Target only Darth Vader action figure.

Then when we finally opened a one of the guys kept coming back in, once with a jacket, once without, to get the freaking toy. So after this guy had come in about 3 times I stopped him and asked him to see what he was purchasing. He handed me the Darth vader figure and I put it back behind the counter. I thought the guy was going to shiat. He started having a hissy fit about how was being treated unfairley. I asked him how much he was going to get for them on ebay. He told me that he could get about 20-30 dollars for them. I asked him if he was split it with me and he said no. Then I told him to leave.

/hate lucas
//hate star wars
///love my job
2005-04-04 09:22:20 AM  
I picked up a Darth Tater as well.
2005-04-04 09:35:12 AM  
That was a rather good report. well done.

I woulda gone if id had a press pass. were the yoda toys only selling on the night at that store?
2005-04-04 09:36:17 AM  
I went to Target yesterday, Sunday, around 3 pm.
They must have had 500 figures.
I don't understand the point of the midnight fight when they were all there the NEXT day, and on sale already

I bought 4 or 5 that looked neat and left, knowing the rest would be on clearance in a month.
2005-04-04 09:36:33 AM  
Febtober films

You should have called Conan's people, get Triumph out there!
2005-04-04 09:38:51 AM  
It's as though millions of nerds cried out in ecstasy... and were suddenly silenced.
2005-04-04 09:43:34 AM  
OK. Look, I like(d) Star Wars as much as the next Joe, but I've never understood this rabid desire to be the first to get tickets or to be the proud dealer/collector of rare stuff (baseball cards, stamps, Vader dolls etc).

For me, Star Wars dolls as an investment != works of art as an investment and that would have been the only reason I could understand in this case. Why in the name of Britney's Boobs would I want to pay more for the dolls than is their actual price?! It's not like they excessive aesthetic value...

/collecting? always had difficulty understanding that
2005-04-04 09:43:49 AM  
"And which button calls your Mom to come pick you up?"
2005-04-04 09:45:53 AM  
In other news, my bro fought his way to a ticket to the premiere of Star Wars I (back when we thought it would be the best movie of all time) in our home town. I decided to go the next day. The difference?

He had to sit in a overpacked cinema with people in costumes.

I got to sit in an early session with simply a full house and no costumes.
2005-04-04 09:46:25 AM  
2005-04-04 06:38:26 AM BrothaJohn

I am so happy I live in Tokyo and I do not have this thorough raping of my childhood for profits beating me over the head every other commercial break.

Yeah because they don't market in Tokyo. Are you insane!!!! Asia blows the U.S. out of the water when it comes to merchandising, marketing and milking their franchises...

Godzilla, over 25 films.....Troublesome night over 25 films.....Ring 5 films, 3 tv series....Dragon Ball, 250 episodes...Pokemon...Ultraman.....holy crap and in each of these you can buy almost anything you want with the movie/cartoon related merchandise. And what about Sanrio, th undisputed KINGS of merchandising and marketing. Want a hello kitty, toothbrush? cool. a pillow? cool, bed sheets? cool. shampoo? cool. bowls? cool. vibrator? cool.....
2005-04-04 09:47:32 AM  
I got a Darth Vader voice wife got Darth Tater.
2005-04-04 09:50:14 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-04-04 09:52:15 AM  

[Cue tires screeching to a stop, record turntable scratching and skipping and hilariously overdone spit-takes everywhere.]

Add these up for me:

1) Post 911
2) New York City
3) Dudes walking around downtown in costumes carrying guns... FAKE guns, but guns none-the-less.

Total) Maybe things are finally back to normal, eh?
2005-04-04 10:06:04 AM  
That's a sad story, Febtober.

Cracks me up the way from Lucas on down it's just about a bunch of scumbags making money except for those poor, desperate geeks who will pay thirty bucks for a toy that won't be worth 50 cents in 50 years, including the adjustment for inflation.
2005-04-04 10:08:27 AM  
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2005-04-04 10:11:37 AM  
2005-04-04 10:12:46 AM  
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