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(   How To Piss Off A Bartender   ( divider line
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12482 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Mar 2002 at 1:56 AM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

103 Comments     (+0 »)

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2002-03-23 01:59:44 AM  
Always yell "free beer" when you close your tab.
2002-03-23 02:00:54 AM  
Le Doso, unless someone beat me to it.

They left out my favorite one though:

Ask a bartender for a Virgin Rum and Coke sometime... Depending on his mood you may get a free soda, or a boot in the rear.

2002-03-23 02:01:54 AM  
Most of those are soo freeking lame -
2002-03-23 02:02:15 AM  
And Stephen beat me to it! D'oh!

2002-03-23 02:08:16 AM  
How to piss off a Farker :

Step 1. Write an article in a font color that no one can read..
2002-03-23 02:09:07 AM  
Make sure you wad your money up too before you give it to them. I had the chance to witness some asshole do this during St. Pat's in Savannah, the bartender took his drinks that he had just ordered and poured them down the drain.
2002-03-23 02:14:42 AM  
re-seat your butt plug because you think you've commentedfirst.
2002-03-23 02:15:09 AM  
Tell him his drinks suck a$$.
2002-03-23 02:18:18 AM  
omg soup naziism in bartenders
2002-03-23 02:18:28 AM  
How To Piss Off A Bartender


i think cormee has this department covered!
2002-03-23 02:19:55 AM  
try and get behind the bar. go ahead. try it. you can reach that bottle. they're not even looking. they're totally busy. they won't care anyway.

that was the only time I have ever seen a bottle broken over someone's head. and then he got his ass kicked. but that guy was a rookie. you could do it. most bartenders will just laugh when they turn around and see you there. just try it.
2002-03-23 02:23:21 AM  
Don't throw things at them, like knives. Most bartenders hate that.
2002-03-23 02:24:09 AM  
i call everyone "boss"

makes them think i'm from prison, which scares people. grrr! i'm crazy!! ahhahah!! LALALALA !!! GRRR!!
2002-03-23 02:28:24 AM  
...and never puke in a toilet that is not working...

2002-03-23 02:50:51 AM  
Summary of article:

1) Don't be an asshole to the bartender
2) Tip well

Kind of useless advice. Assholes and lousy tippers aren't going to read the article, smack their forehead and go "Of course! It was so obvious, if only I'd read this article before!"

Maybe we need to start carrying guns openly again like the Old West. Sure a few people got shot, but being a total jerk carried a bit more risk.
2002-03-23 02:51:51 AM  
Don't snap your fingers at them

Heh, there's a bar near here which has a whistle tied to the bar. The sign near the whistle reads, "For faster service, BLOW ME!"
2002-03-23 02:51:55 AM  
Ever see somebody try to barter for drinks when they're wasted and ran out of money? That's a funny one. I ordered a rum and crystal pepsi once last year. I got a rum and coke and a laugh from the hot ass chick bartender. She got a good tip.
2002-03-23 02:53:30 AM  
I was a barman for three years, and the scary thing is I've seen every single one of the arseholes mentioned in that article. *L*

They might seem "lame" to you, but I assure you, all of those examples are guaranteed to encourage the barman to break a bottle of scotch over your head.

I haven't laughed so hard for ages.
2002-03-23 02:56:41 AM  
I think the people who would benefit most from these tips think that this little Internet fad is just for geeks, and can't tell the difference between a computer and a jack-rag.

I guess if people don't publish this stuff, then other people wouldn't have quite so many things to ridicule, and beer dispensing baseball caps wouldn't be such hot sellers.
2002-03-23 02:58:53 AM  
A rum and...

damn, do they even still MAKE Crystal Pepsi, or were you just looking to make trouble?

Certified And never puke over the bar just because you saw the sink conveniently located there and you didn't think you'd make it to the bathroom...
(no, I've never seen nor done this. Don't want to, either. Actually, I don't think I've ever seen somebody fail to make it out of the bar before puking.)
2002-03-23 03:02:42 AM  

For good bartender service in a packed bar, do this:

1. Jockey (politely) for a position at the bar, hold cash in hand, visible where the bartender can see it.

2. Lock on your target with your eyes. Your main mission is getting drinks. Talking with your friends comes later. Do not lose eye contact. Don't glare, just stare. Be patient.

3. Give a slight nod, raising the eyebrows to the busy bartender when they return they eye contact.

4. Ask for your drinks politely. Combine orders. It's better to give one large order up front than having the bartender run relays.

5. Be patient.

6. Smile and thank your bartender for the drinks.

7. Leave one dollar for every drink. If the tab for one round of drink orders passes $20, be more generous with the tip.

2002-03-23 03:03:00 AM  
I once had to chase a guy down the street because he hadn't paid for his tab.

He laughed at first and was about to just keep on walking when I informed him that we still had his credit card behind the bar.

He came back.
2002-03-23 03:04:26 AM  
VERY good advice, Cherrydog.
You must work in a bar, or you're just a saint. *L*
2002-03-23 03:09:30 AM  
Funny that most of you find this article amusing--try to pull this shiat next time you want a drink. Granted yes, these are all basics and most of us abide by the rules, however, there are the arseholes that try to be funny with the stuff. Just remember don't fark with someone who is serving you drinks or food......we can always have the upper hand and you'll never know.....
2002-03-23 03:17:13 AM  
piss off a bartender, huh. well maybe if you took his wife out to the bar where he was working and said something like "hey, boy, get me a chivas and and get my whore a bud". I dunno, might work, worth a try.
2002-03-23 03:18:13 AM  
Yeah, I actually saw our chef hack a really phlegmmy gorbie onto a customer's steak because they had pissed him off.

Oddly, they enjoyed their steak much more afterwards....
2002-03-23 03:18:44 AM  
the best bartender story I know is from vegas:

so my man's working one night, and this shiatfaced chick comes in and starts ordering vodka cranberries. after the first one it's all cranberry juice, but she doesn't notice. soon he walks up to her, she's got both elbows on the bar and says something like, "you know, what?" this guy is a trained professional, he KNOWS the look she's giving him right now... just before she starts to puke, he reaches over the bar, grabs her swivel stool, and gives it a whirl. BLAAAAAAAAAAGGGCH!!! a perfect semicircle of vomit exactly opposite the world's greatest bartender.
2002-03-23 03:23:56 AM  
So basically the moral of the story is: Don't be a farking dumbshiat.
2002-03-23 03:30:57 AM  
Higgledy, it's not that the content of the article is being ridiculed, it's the fact that it MUST be published that is ridiculous. If people don't realize that being rude, trying to steal liquor, and just plain being a bad drunk will tick-off a bartender, then maybe we need more web sites telling people that they need to wipe their butts after doing their "business".

I don't know about other people here, but this stuff is such common sense, that I felt a little insulted, just reading it.
2002-03-23 03:33:01 AM  
No, they don't have Crystal Pepsi anymore. It was a stupid joke, but it did get a laugh.
2002-03-23 03:40:06 AM  
RadioActiveLamb: I see your point that it is rather inane that the stuff gets published but I think it's almost necessary. You'd be surprised what people try to do. If you have never worked in the service industry, you'd get it. Yeah, it's kind of like those 'common sense warnings' on products--obviously, at some point, the company felt it necessary to place it there.
2002-03-23 03:41:59 AM  
If you happen to be standing on a large rubber mat next to the bar, you had better get your fat ass off it

I almost fell out of my chair...
2002-03-23 03:45:49 AM  
Unfortunately to some ppl, it's just not that obvious.

And I find it offensive that I have to share a planet with ppl that stupid.

The sad truth is, some wankers really DO think they'll get served faster by waving a $50 bill at you, clicking their fingers and yelling "Oi, barman, oi!!".

Yes, they get ignored. But for some reason the message never gets across. It's always the same d*ckheads making the same mistakes.

I reckon barmen should be allowed to beat annoying customers.
2002-03-23 03:50:32 AM  
And don't forget the ever-popular, 'hey, we know so-and-so....' Guess what? We've heard it BEFORE and you are going to get your drink that much slower just because you think you are hot shiat. Guess what? I know the owner, too!!!
2002-03-23 03:54:35 AM  
Here's another example...

We used to have a "Non Service Area" of the bar, which is where the floor/waiting staff would come to pick up the drinks for their tables etc.

But ppl still waited there to be served.

So we put up big signs ON THE BAR saying "NON-SERVICE AREA".

Still, ppl people waited IN FRONT OF THE SIGNS to be served. Either illiterate or stupid, one or the other.

Then we changed the signs to "YOU WILL NOT BE SERVED IF YOU WAIT HERE." (no, I kid you not.)

You guessed it, people still stood in front of the signs waiting to be served, and complained loudly when they were duly ignored.

Upon my pointing said sign out to one annoyed patron, he responded "I didn't come here to read signs, I want a coffee!"

I went out to the kitchen to get a really big knife, but when I got back to the bar he was gone.

Oh well.
2002-03-23 03:58:48 AM  
i work in the customer service industry and you would not believe the lack of tips. (a little off thread) but common curtesy and a little cash makes my and YOUR day a lot nicer.

Also, many foreigners dont understand american ways. some canandian or europeans might read this and realize the error of their ways.

2002-03-23 04:00:30 AM  
That's kind of like the concept that people have selective hearing.....excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, EXCUSE ME.....yes dichkhead, I'm talking to YOU....the guy right in FRONT of move your yuppie ass on over PLEASE and have a GREAT night.
2002-03-23 04:03:12 AM  
In Australia it isn't common practice to tip your barman/waiter/bellhop.

It still happens, and its really nice when it does, but it's not really an expected thing.

Guess it makes it a really special surprise when some kind, lovely person DOES leave you a couple of dollars.

That's also why I loved it when US Navy ships and cruise ships visited port. *L* The tips were just out of this world.
2002-03-23 04:03:26 AM  
and a bit off thread too....foreigners tip for shiat. canadians and europeans included. i know tip is included in the bill in europe, but please don't tell me that these people don't know it IS NOT included here. i knew this practice before i went ot europe so i would think that these travelers knew the practice HERE beforehand.....
2002-03-23 04:05:28 AM  
in the U.S. we make almost NOTHING on the hour--i.e. we make our money on the tips. guess what? if you don't want to tip, the price of food is going to go UP because the employer is going to have to pay us MORE on the hour.... so, do the math....
2002-03-23 04:17:44 AM  
Oh, thought that bartending was a service industry. So, according to this list, I'm supposed to wait on them instead of the other way around?
That is why bartenders are made to rely on tips for their living. Oterwise, they are too self important to give a shiat about the customer.
And yes, I tended bar all the way through college. It is a difficult job but that is why it is called work.

2002-03-23 04:19:12 AM  
For real......
2002-03-23 04:19:57 AM  
I agree with every one of the don'ts except

Don't order a shiat load of shooters when they're really busy
Don't order blender drinks when they are busy.

A good bartender will handle that in stride even under busy circumstances provided he has the right equipment. Several blenders can be going while he is making all those shooters.
We've all seen 15 shots being poured out of one shaker with the shot glasses lined up or stacked right.

Blenders handle themselves until you are ready to pour. (maybe a little shaking for encouragment).

I agree with the other stuff.

By the way, I taught at bartending school in Reno for a year and a half, and tended bar for 7 years, so please don't slam me too bad!
2002-03-23 04:21:43 AM  
ghettoceleb: Yes, it IS work but we still have the right to biatch about it. Unless, of course, you are perfect.
2002-03-23 04:34:19 AM  
whats with all these rules, you monkeyboy bartender. get me a goddam beer!! you wanna pass laws, then you should studied more and went mother F'in law school. btw nice apron
2002-03-23 04:36:20 AM  
you wanna tip? here! catch this handful of change
2002-03-23 04:44:03 AM  
Er.., The Pope

Bartending puts an awful lot of people through law school, as well as into situations like the website you have linked in your profile.

It is not a bad job.
2002-03-23 04:51:10 AM  
How To Piss Off A Bartender

How about trying to piss on a bartender, that'd piss'em off.
2002-03-23 04:56:22 AM  

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but it is still a big ask to approach a bartender who has an entire building full of people baying for blood and a beer, and ask him/her to make an intricate cocktail that requires more preparation than a Sunday roast.

Yeah, you can get blenders going in the background, but it still means other punters have to wait longer, and they generally don't like it.

Speaking from personal experience, I don't mind the opportunity to slow down and create a gorgeous cocktail for a gorgeous female on a busy night, but I HATE it when the other customers can't find it within themselves to be patient. I just HATE rude ppl.

Oh, and IMHO a good shooter is built, not shaken. ;-)
2002-03-23 05:02:49 AM  
I'll ask for a stronger drink anyday. Fark em
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