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(   The Logging Industry's version of Dr. Seuss's "The Lorax"   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
•       •       •

5715 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Mar 2002 at 1:55 PM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

82 Comments     (+0 »)

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2002-03-19 01:56:43 PM  
OOOooooooooooooooold news!
2002-03-19 01:58:19 PM  
Gotta love corporate propaganda. Nothing evil there, no-sirie-Bob!
2002-03-19 02:00:30 PM  
They "interviewed" (see: made fun of) this guy on The Daily Show a while back.
2002-03-19 02:00:48 PM  
2002-03-19 02:00:55 PM  
Wait...I think it was a chick...
FNG [TotalFark] [BareFark]
2002-03-19 02:03:21 PM  
very strange indeed
2002-03-19 02:04:08 PM  
Next the tobaco company could do a Cat-In-The-Hat type story about how cigarettes cure asthma.
2002-03-19 02:04:36 PM  
My next floor will be bamboo, thanks to these asshats.
You don't diss Suess around me. And live to tell the tale.
2002-03-19 02:08:19 PM  
COOL! It's about time that the poor poor logging industry finally had someone to take up for them! Someone to take their part against those NASTY trees! Those mean old trees that just want to burst into flame and burn down. All the while the kindly logging industry is out there gently "harvesting" the trees for their own good. NOT for the Ca$h. No! For the children.
2002-03-19 02:09:23 PM  
I will not read this at my job,

I will not read this with a slob;

I do not like parodies that are a sham,

I do not like them, Sam I Am.
2002-03-19 02:10:44 PM  
Stop the building of new houses NOW.

New houses suck anyway - shoddy construction, small yards, group mailboxes, fark all that shiat
2002-03-19 02:10:50 PM  
Green eggs and uncle sam.
2002-03-19 02:11:26 PM  
Farking in 5, 4, 3, 2,
2002-03-19 02:11:29 PM  
wait, I'm confused...what is a Lorax or whatever it is?
2002-03-19 02:12:55 PM  
UMMmm... This makes me ill.
2002-03-19 02:15:00 PM  
Cention01: You mean you have never read The Lorax? Dr. Seuse was the shiat! Not sure if I got his name right, but his books are about as good as they get. This parody is like some corporation rewriting the bible to make it look like god was CEO of Enron.
2002-03-19 02:15:26 PM  
Somewhere between this propoganda and the propoganda of the tree huggers lies the truth.
2002-03-19 02:15:55 PM  
For those of you that use wood or paper products, please quit being stupid by criticizing Lumber companies.

Unless you can actually refute some of the facts presented there kindly keep your trap shut.
2002-03-19 02:17:47 PM  
Most of what this stated was true. I live in north C.A., and there are tons of trees around here, even though this area has been logged for years. Trees were replanted, they regrew, and the forests are nice and healthy. A few years back there was a prety big fire near our town, and now there is this huge bald spot that sticks out really bad. The logging never made bald spots or holes like the fire did.
2002-03-19 02:18:17 PM  
Why does this remind me so much of Smilin' Joe Fission from the Simpsons?
2002-03-19 02:20:42 PM  
I think this says it the right way- it addresses the
conerns of both sides, brings to light the fact that
we need the wood, and that the timber companies have a
vested interest in restoring the forest they cut. When I
lived in Oregon, it was interesting in that they put
up signs telling when a stand visible from the road was
harvested. some of the stands cut five to ten years prior
were making the most amazing growth- this is something that has to be seen to be beleived. I've seen it, and it works! I'm no fan of cutting down the ancient trees,
Leave them where they stand. We need the lumber, but
make it come from trees planted as Crops- it's called
sustained-yeild forestry, and it works!
2002-03-19 02:24:42 PM  
This reminds me of the meat industry education film from the Simpons:

Troy: Gettin hungry Jimmy?

Jimmy: Uhh, Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

Troy: Nooo, just ignorant. You see your crazy friend never heard of "The Food Chain". [Flash to a picture of "Food Chain", with all animals and arrows pointing to a silhouette of a human.] Just ask this scientician.

Scientician: [Looking up from a microscope.] Uhhh...

Troy: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. [Images of various wild carnivores attacking and eating others appear.] Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! [Image of a cow quietly chewing cud.]

Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure. I was a grade A moron to ever question eating meat.

Troy: [Laughs.] Yes you were Jimmy, yes you were. [Briskly rubs his hand on Jimmy's head.]

Jimmy: [Timid]'re hurting me.
2002-03-19 02:26:03 PM  
Yes, it is good to save the old trees. That is why the logging industry is carefully lowering them and shipping them east, so that more people can enjoy those old trees. And yes, nature herself renews stands of old trees. If those pesky humans would just let nature do her work!

Has anyone else out there been listening to NPR's little expedition to the bayous of Louisiana in search of the extinct ivory-billed woodpecker. Its habitat was destroyed 70 years ago, and maybe the birds, too; but with a mature forest there now and tantalizing recordings of mysterious woodpecker drumming, we can still hope, Tree-whacker notwithstanding.
2002-03-19 02:28:40 PM  
Horrible, simply horrible.
2002-03-19 02:30:10 PM  
I love how the forest animals are just hanging out with Truax like he's the man, even after they were dislodged from their environment.

Not to mention that not even close to all the trees that are replanted will reach full maturity, and forget about whether they are the same species of tree.

Man cannot check wildfires. And of course that's first and foremost in their minds. If people want to build their damn houses in mountain scrub-brush, they'll just have to live with wildfires as a reality. Same for the poor sots who buy in floodplains.

Yeah, one little tick. One little fish. Dozens of megafauna. We don't need them at all.

"And perhaps best of all," the Guardbark beamed
"I think things ARE NOT quite as bad as they seemed."

Perhaps YES.
2002-03-19 02:31:12 PM  
I want to go to Bovine University when I grow up!
/Ralph Wiggum
2002-03-19 02:32:01 PM  
Yes the view's biased, but at least it was clever,
In showing the viewpoint of the people who sever
The trees from the stumps just to earn a small wage,
Yet still must put up with the tree-hugger rage.
Now let's get off our high horses (or wherever we sit)
and acknowledge that the loggers really do give a sh**.
2002-03-19 02:32:09 PM  
what a wonderful bastardization of a cherished childhood memory. i'll be putting in carpet.
2002-03-19 02:34:05 PM  
You are a grade-A moron.
2002-03-19 02:34:06 PM  
Somehow I think they may be missing the point. Damn consumerism.
2002-03-19 02:39:27 PM  
eh, its a good attempt.

But cutting down a 500 year old tree and planting 5 new ones does not make them good guys. Especially when they plant the same species of tree all over the place.

If we didn't have such a hangup of marijuana, we'd let hemp grow like the weed it is, and use it to make all of our paper products for a tenth of the cost. And it is naturally acid-free, so you wouldn't have to run all those chemicals over wood pulp to get decent paper that doesn't disintegrate in 10 years...
2002-03-19 02:40:33 PM  
They forgot this picture:​-00658%2 0Slash%20and%20clear-cut,%20Maine%20-%20web.jpg
2002-03-19 02:42:07 PM  
Next up: "How The Grinch Stole The Presidency".
2002-03-19 02:44:43 PM  
Dammit! Ok, here's a different one:
2002-03-19 02:50:18 PM  
Most of the story seemed fair and reasonable to me, up until the explanation of why it's A-OK to cause extinctions and loss of habitat. Sick.
2002-03-19 02:52:47 PM  
yep, that's when i quit reading too.
2002-03-19 02:53:36 PM  
Actually, most of the world's CO2 to O2 conversion is done by blue-green bacteria that live in the ocean.
2002-03-19 02:58:29 PM  
Anyone wanna see dirty movies of Alaska?
[image from too old to be available]
2002-03-19 03:08:10 PM  

I hope whoever wrote this is haunted by the vengeful ghost of Dr. Seuss. I'm mostly afraid that this will be the standard fare for children's books of the future,

Here in New Brunswick (Canada) there's been a lot of logging and pesticide use for a long time. And the scariest thing I noticed when I first came here, walking through the woods, is that there are no birds. It was incredibly chilling, just walking through a forest of all the same kind of tree and not seeing any trace of significant animal life.

Oh, and the next one to dismiss Dr. Seuss as a hippie tree hugger or something gets it. Same also goes for the movie studios who make big productions from his more marketable characters that don't stir up trouble for the corporate republic.

2002-03-19 03:14:40 PM  
I like the hemp paper idea. Papermills are quite nasty around here.
2002-03-19 03:18:10 PM  
Where I'm from, anything other than pine was non existant. Logging and such has made the area more diverse, more kinds of trees, more animals, like the deer population, and the forest is bigger than 30 years ago, but not quite as large as 200 years ago....
2002-03-19 03:20:27 PM  
See folks, clear cutting miles and miles of forest is a GOOD thing. It makes the little squirrels and deer happy. They can romp and play on the endless expanse of stumps, unhindered by pesky vegetation.
2002-03-19 03:26:20 PM  
My favorite part is when they try to claim that when they have clear-cut some land they are really just creating "new" ecosystems for different species to live in! By that logic, we could justify a nuclear holocaust as being a good way of encouraging cockroach biodiversity.
2002-03-19 03:26:43 PM  
this woman was on CNN a while back...
its because of people like this dumbiatch that my elementary school banned the Lorax.
2002-03-19 03:27:33 PM  
"Man cannot check wildfires."

Of course we can, and have. Texas was barren of many of its trees a hundres years ago, due to fires. Firebreaks and roads prevent them from the same devestation they once had on the land. Or, if you are a true tree-hugger, the wonderful work nature was smithing. Firebreaks are not cut in East Texas forests just to give guys something to do during the summer. We have had a dramatic impact on the number and severity of the firest that rage across the countryside. We have, easily, checked them, if not mated.

"Yeah, one little tick. One little fish. Dozens of megafauna. We don't need them at all."

Extinctions ARE natural. Although we are experiencing one of the most rapid rates of extinction ever, it is suggested, and play an unfortunate role in that. The parody makes a good point that Tree-Hugger rarely complains about the ugly or pesky critters, his friend Media Man tickle our eye with the Panda.

I think it was a cute retort. The logging industry isn't innocent, but plenty of tree-huggers ARE uninformed.

Some valid points, though, here, about the same species of tree being replanted, and a woodpecker being extinct despite the forest having regrown...replanting isn't the entire answer, of course.

The most entertaining thing about this thread is that it has to turn into a justification for the legalization of marijuana. I do not smoke weed, but agree it should be legalized in the same way alcohol and cigarettes are, probably. But, it's not a freakin' vitamin.


Pot kills certain lung tumors!

At a local coffee shop, it was recently reported by UCSB Pre-Medical / Political Science dual majors who are not currently enrolled that certain tumors in some patients have diminished in size after heavy marijuana use, said one anonymous soon-to-be sophomore student:

"It appears that the marijuana induced tumors may be starving out the non-marijuana induced tumors, causing their size to diminish...we think further smoking is required before we can publish these findings and join our place in wealthy America. For now, we will just have to continue our angsty biatching."
2002-03-19 03:27:52 PM  
Everytime you clear-cut an acre of trees, an angel gets it's wings
2002-03-19 03:34:17 PM  
Sustainable forestry makes a lot of business sense, too, when you think about it.

After all, what would the logging industry do without logs to.. uh.. to log?
2002-03-19 03:35:37 PM  
Where could I find the Daily Show's "interview" with the Lorax?

That cracked me up.

"I'm the mother-farking Lorax!"
2002-03-19 03:40:39 PM  
I worked a summer for lumber company in washington state. Seriously. We planted acres and acres of trees. Hundreds of acres. We planted AT LEAST 5 trees for every one that was cut. That was the truth.
2002-03-19 03:42:40 PM  
Mad Ogre Of course. It's just good business sense.

It's not like the Logging Industry is doing what the British Navy did to Ireland.
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